Archive for gremlins

Goth Fairies, Cannibal Critters, Timeless Horror

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil

While the movie wasn’t exactly in my wheelhouse, I nevertheless enjoyed the Disney™ fantasy/horror movie, Maleficent (2014), and dug watching main star Angelina Jolie as the goth-y gorgeous evil fairy fly around with Hellboy/Darkness horns and flap her wing-span enhanced wings like a demonic seagull.

Maleficent

This is why I’m horn-y (heh) for the sequel, Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (October 18, 2019), which puts the antlers/wings back on Jolie to cause more fairy land havoc. And in case you don’t/didn’t know who Maleficent is, she was the antagonist in Disney’s Sleeping Beauty in 1959 and the self-proclaimed “mistress of all evil.” (Nice tie-in with the title, Disney™.)

Maleficent

While I plot to go see the movie and push little kids out of the way to get a good seat, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make your wings flap…

Critters: A New Binge

CRITTERS: A NEW BINGE (March 21, 2019/Shudder™)
“Pursued by intergalactic bounty hunters, the Critters return to Earth on a secret mission and encounter Christopher, a lovelorn high-schooler, his best friend Charlie, his crush Dana, and his mom Veronica — whose past will come back to bite them. Who will survive? And who will be eaten?”

The original Critters (1986) was just Gremlins (1984), but with worse table manners. Both movies were skewed towards the family-skewed crowd, so proceed with caution with this one.

Division 19

DIVISION 19 (April 5, 2019)
“In the future, prisons have been turned into online portals where paying subscribers get to vote on what felons eat, watch, wear and who they fight. Panopticon TV is so successful it is about to be rolled out to a whole new town. When the world’s most downloaded felon escapes, the authorities set a trap to reel him in. The bait is his little brother who has so far managed to avoid detection.”

Sounds like someone’s been watching The Running Man (1987) and YouTube™ videos of Christians being thrown into the PPV ring with atheist lions.

I Spit On Your Grave: Deja Vu

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE: DEJA VU (April 23, 2019)
“Following her brutal rape, Jennifer wrote a best-selling account of her ordeal and of the controversial trial in which she was accused of taking the law into her own hands and ruthlessly killing her assailants. In the small town where the rape and revenge took place, the relatives of the four rapists she killed are furious that the court declared her not guilty and resolve to take justice into their own hands.”

I Spit On Your Grave first came out in 1978 and was painfully hard to watch, even though it wasn’t nearly as graphic as the 2010 remake. And while the subject matter is timely, doesn’t mean it’s any easier to watch. P.S. If you’re a dude, do NOT watch this with any ladies in the room. It might give them ideas.

In Search of Darkness

IN SEARCH OF DARKNESS (2019)
“For the first time in horror history, In Search of Darkness will bring together 1980s icons, modern horror greats, popular YouTubers and social media influencers to create the most complete retrospective documentary of the genre ever made. Together, they will bring their unique perspectives as we take a nostalgic journey back to revisit the unforgettable heroes, monsters, and movies that thrilled and chilled us.”

Looking forward to this one as the ‘80s were my puberty horror years. I’ll continue to keep watching ‘em until my voice cracks.

Italian Reanimator, Repeatable Stabbing, El Rey TV

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Happy Death Day

Just discovered the Robert Rodriquez El Rey™ TV channel is no longer available through Sling TV™. Thinkin’ this isn’t a big loss as El Rey has been subjecting us to increasingly lazy programming and is nowhere near the grindhouse/bullets & brawlers/cult horror channel it promised to be. Example: El Rey keeps falling back on endless re-runs (with endless commercials) of bland stuff like V, Miami Vice, Air Wolf and Night Rider to be the channel’s meatloaf filler. And their Creature Feature Fridays? Intentional b-grade fare — like we all haven’t seen Gremlins (1984).

Best to stream channels like Shudder, Midnight Pulp and/or FrightPix (warning — LOTS of commercials that lock up on you) for your horror/sci-fi/grindhouse needs.

Speaking of which, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi you may or may not need. (Who are we kidding — we need horror all the time to escape from the horrors of reality.)

HAPPY DEATH DAY (October 13, 2017)
“A college student who relives the day of her murder with both its unexceptional details and terrifying end until she discovers her killer’s identity.”

Yeah, you’re probably thinking the horror version of 1993’s Groundhog’s Day (but with less stink gophers). But it sounds more like “Monday,” that riveting The X-Files episode (1999) in which a girl has to relive her loser boyfriend’s bank robbery attempt, ending in ka-BOOM! over and over. (Note to money selfie: Do NOT go into banks frequented by criminals dressed in dynamite, however stylish of the times.)

Herbert West: Reanimator

HERBERT WEST: REANIMATOR (2017)
“West is destroyed by a huge loss and he wants to defeat death in order to have his beloved ones back. It’s just a different perspective but with the same result: lots of experiments with lost of failures and lots of reanimated and very aggressive corpses.”

Like Cheetos™/pork rinds in the cupboard, a few points of interest: First, this is the Italian take on Re-Animator, which came out over three decades ago. Secondly — and this is from the director: “Herbert West: Reanimator is a modular project. We start with a web series, them we’ll have a TV series and at the end of the journey we’ll have a feature film.” You had me at Cheetos™.

Desolation

DESOLATION (2017)
“A mother takes her son and her best friend on a trip into remote wilderness to scatter his father’s ashes; they must confront their fears when a lone hiker begins following them.”

So a lone hiker is shadowing mom and company while they go to kick dad in the ash hole? The filmmakers might be intentionally trying to mislead us; what if the lone hiker is merely a park ranger with a dust pan? I’ve said it before — a clean forest is a happy forest.

Who’s Watching Oliver?

WHO’S WATCHING OLIVER (2017/2018)
“A mentally unstable loner is lost in a life forced upon him. By night Oliver aimlessly wanders the streets and bars on what can only be described as a truly shocking and humiliating killing spree. His only savior and possible way out of a life he is desperate to escape comes in the form of the beautiful Sophia with her sweet eccentricity and naivety to the danger she has put herself in.”

Not sure how this is even a movie. Doesn’t this stuff happen in real life all the time? Why pay to see it — just hang out with mentally unstable loners in dive bars and dark streets. I’ll meet you there.

New Age Gargoyles

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Curse of the Talisman

In Curse of the Talisman (2001), an ancient curse unleashes a flock of evil gargoyles that are compelled to adhere to the curse’s rule of die, kill, bleed. Good for them.

This happened in London’s village of Yorkshire (home of that expensive pudding) in 1100 A.D. Artifacts of the gargoyles made its way through the magic of time to a modern museum of today. But a shifty shipper intercepts one of the gargoyle statues and a Goth talisman necklace and sells it to a New Age bookstore (run by a guy who looks more like a motorcycle thug than someone who would own a New Age bookstore), thereby setting into motion the return of the gargoyles.

Curse of the Talisman

Enter a British priest hot on the trail of the talisman. No one likes pompous Limeys demanding things, so they give him a good ’ol U.S. run-around. The gargoyle, now flying around and killing people, wants the talisman as well. Seems he needs it to release his winged brothers of doom from inside the thirty or so statuettes on display at the museum.

Curse of the Talisman

There’s a LOT of pointless running around/running away just to get to the showdown at the museum. The gargoyles, which look like death metal seagulls, belong in a Gremlins (1984) movie where they’d be more at home alongside stuffed toys with teeth. As far as ancient curses go, you’d be better off with a case of medieval jock itch.

Jaws In Your Bathtub

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jaws

“You’re going to need a bigger toy box…”

A re-casting of the famous line in Jaws (1975) in which Roy Scheider’s character Chief Martin Brody is chumming the sea with fish guts and Jaws pops out and causes Brody to pollute his pants.

Coming soon is a new Jaws ReAction toy figures by Funko™. Their website says it’ll be released in July doesn’t line up with Amazon.com’s available date of September 30. No worries – Korea will probably bootleg this thing and have it for sale by the end of today.

A Gremlins (1984) set is being released at the same time as well. But I never liked those little trouble-making toilet brushes, so put me in the “not even close to being interested” column. Nope, I want me some Jaws.

Gremlins

The coolest part is the air tank accessory, which fits as nicely in Jaws’ mouth as action figure/shark hunter Quint. (For realism they should’ve added a beer can accessory to go along with Quint’s harpoon.) Then you have marine biologist and all-around wise-guy Matt Hooper. Oddly, he looks built to the scale of Quint and Brody. In the movie Hooper is a little dude, a veritable Scooby snack for Jaws.

Each uneaten figure is sold separately for $19.99 and Jaws for $24.99 (on Amazon), or buy ’em altogether for $49.88 + $4.99 shipping. Seems reasonable given how much fun time you’ll get in the tub with these guys. OK, that didn’t come out right. Really wish they would’ve made Quint’s boat, Orca. Now I’m gonna have to use a cereal bowl carrying his next three meals for Jaws to attack/kill/eat.

Aliens On A Train

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , on March 25, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Express

A meteorite forces a train carrying what could be our next President to stop, thereby letting the meteor aliens onto the vehicle – without a ticket. Not cool, aliens. A cop who suspects aliens are on the train has a puppet helicopter fly him over it so he can drop down and arrest those dang thangs. To complicate matters, the puppet train is about to rear-end another puppet train up ahead carrying puppet radioactive waste.

Alien Express

These extraterrestrials are quite possibly the worst looking space creatures this side of those boot-crushable fuzzballs in Gremlins (1984). They have cartoon-sized plastic teeth, growl like an unfed stomach and zip around so fast as to be almost invisible. Besides a taste for human flesh, their blood is methane, or “farts.” When the creatures are lit, they do the blue flame mambo and explode.

Alien Express

The dialogue should count as comedy it’s so bad (“We’ve got to get those aliens somehow…and we’ve got to do it NOW!”). The “you’ve got to be kidding me” ending of Alien Express (2005) is but whipped cream on this turd sundae.

Rat Monkey Vampires

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , on February 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

Spooky Blackwood Manor, an architect’s dream reach-around, has rat monkey vampire creatures that live in the caverns beneath the dark historied mansion. These little gremlins eat teeth, which confuses the enamel outta me. What do they use to chew with? Major plot discrepancy.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

A divorced architect and his similar-careered girlfriend are restoring Blackwood Manor. Lots of rooms to feel each other up in – until the guy’s nine year-old daughter is foisted off on them. The little handful is so moody as to be classified emo. But the creatures who can talk (again, if you eat teeth, what do you use to talk with?), get in her head and persuade her to release them from their unholy hole.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

Of course dad and his upgrade don’t believe her. When they finally do, it’s too late. And by too late, I mean for you for waiting and waiting for something scary to happen. Aside from a very painful death at the very end for one of the major players, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (2011) goes in the “don’t be afraid of not wasting your money” category.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark