Archive for gory

Blinding Eclipse, Virtual Ghosts, Garbage Children

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Eclipse Map

With the once-in-a-lifetime full-on eclipse just a few days away as of this lunar calendar day, Flipboard.com, a site dedicated to the subjects of the unexplained, the supernatural, paranormal conspiracies, mythical beasts (and where to find them), posted a map as where to best view the eclipse and UFOs that will be tracking the event as well. (I added the UFO pics to the map as I WANT TO BELIEVE their article.)

I’d be remiss in my duties as a highly untrained faux journalist if I didn’t make this socially responsible warning: do NOT watch the eclipse without special glasses (Amazon.com is selling ‘em by the metric ton). You could seriously damage your vision/eyeballs meant for online porn, cat videos and this blog. (Not necessarily in that order — the video where the lazy cat is riding on top of a dog still makes me LOL.)

Speaking of things that should or should not be viewed with eyes wide shut, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies while you’re waiting for the vanilla sky… (You got both references, right?)

Stasis

STASIS (August 29, 2017/VOD)
“After a night out partying and being left behind by friends, Ava sneaks back home to find that she’s already safe in bed. But that’s not Ava — it’s someone who looks like her. A time-traveling fugitive has stolen Ava’s body, which makes Ava a virtual ghost, who is silent and invisible to the world. But Ava is not alone. There are other body snatchers secretly living among us, plotting to alter the future. Ava realizes she can stop these body snatchers and put the timeline back on course.”

If I came home and saw myself in bed, I’d put rubber snakes, unpaid parking tickets and peeled hard boiled eggs under the covers, then stand back and watch the ensuing hilarity. I sure hope my bed self doesn’t loose control of his/my bladder because of it; I gotta sleep in that thing. (It’s my turn tomorrow.)

30 Years of Garbage: The Garbage Pail Kids Story

30 YEARS OF GARBAGE: THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS STORY
(out now/select theaters/September 20, 2017/VOD/DVD)
“This documentary revisits the artists who made these collectibles famous, showing a rare glimpse into the corporate culture of Topps™ as they launched Garbage Pail Kids through the height of the cards fame, the downfall from the legal battle with the Cabbage Patch kids and their untimely demise. The film is jam packed with interviews of over a half dozen artists. Each artist penned these counter-culture trading cards and each artist shares the inside stories.”

Used to collect those things. My friends, too, as they were convinced I was one of the characters. (I would’ve been the electrocuted rock guitar star, Jolted Joel.) If you do a little homework you can track down The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, which came out in 1987. Not many saw it — the movie only made $1.5 million at the box office. Ironically, people spent more money collecting the horror/sci-fi/pop culture themed cards than on the flick itself.

Mexico BarbaroMEXICO BÁRBARO II (2017/film festival circuit)
“Nine Mexican directors come together to narrate traditions and more brutal, ruthless and bizarre legends of our country. Mexico Bárbaro II shows the world stories that are part of our popular culture, from sweet stories told by our grandmothers, the tooth fairy, witchcraft, the story behind the weeping woman, sexy servers of the Devil, a pagan hero, the burnt woman, up to ancestral culinary bloody rites. Traditions and legends that today continue to cause terror among Mexican people.”

If you saw the first Mexico Bárbaro (2014), then you know you’re in for a sweet, sick ride with II. This little jewel came out of nowhere (okay, Mexico) and the eight shorts that comprise the indie made film were highly gruesome, graphic and gory, which means you should watch it. (FYI: Bárbaro translates to “Barbarian.” After watching the movie, that’s sugar coating it.)

Land of Smiles

LAND OF SMILES (out now UK; 2017/2018/US)
“A young backpacker is lured through the Third World paradise of Thailand, searching for her kidnapped best friend and unknowingly she becomes the object of a sociopath’s obsession.”

Not sure how this differs from, say, a trip to the grocery store and/or cult retreat. Never been to Thailand. I wear T-shirts, not ties. My motto: thrashin’, not fashion. So sayeth Jolted Joel.

Vampire Volcanoes, Christmas Zombies, Kaiju Sequels

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Van Helsing

Feeling super dissed about the TV series Van Helsing basing their vampire outbreak/resurgence on a super volcano (or “caldera”) that goes off in Yellowstone, which spans Wyoming, parts of Montana and Idaho. In the series’ second show the volcano pops its top and leaves a “black rain” of gunky ash all over Seattle and blocking out the sun, thus vampires. This is due to the direction the wind was blowing at the time the volcano was doing the same thing.

Super Volcano

The thing that really sets my pyroclastic flow a’flowin’ is that we already have FIVE volcanoes within GoPro™ distance from downtown Seattle, the two most notable being Mt. Rainier (where flying saucers were first spotted flying in carnival formation in 1947), and the feisty Mount St. Helens, which went off back in May 18 of 1980, and has been declared as “the most disastrous volcanic eruption in United States history.”

To the best of my knowledge, neither volcano unleashed a vampiric plague on this or any other city, and eventually the world — but they COULD HAVE. Why give all the credit to Yellowstone, which is 739.5 miles away (via I-90 West), when we can practically hitchhike to our own dang volcanoes? They can have all the Sharknados they want, but any plague/vampire/zombie/chapped lipped outbreak should come from here, not some overpriced park nearly 1,000 miles away.

Until I can form a formal rally against Yellowstone (feel free to donate to the cause), you can pass the time waiting for a vampire outbreak with these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies…

Volumes of Blood: Horror Stories

VOLUMES OF BLOOD: HORROR STORIES (available now)
“The story of this one centers around a young couple checking out a house for sale and taking the grand and gory tour given by a sketchy real estate agent. As they go through each room of the house, we’re able to see through flashbacks, the horrors that once unfolded and burned into the house’s horrible history. If those walls could talk, they wouldn’t; They would be traumatically catatonic. Each tragedy is associated with a holiday or some sort of special day which gives great context of each story.”

Love the premise. If my walls could talk, they’d probably tell me to give ’em a new coat of paint. Note to stupid walls: go sand yourself.

Amsterdamned

AMSTERDAMNED (August 29, 2017)
“A half-mad scuba diver hiding in Amsterdam’s labyrinthine canal system embarks on a rampage of gruesome murders, terrifying city officials and leaving few clues for the city’s best detective, who doesn’t suspect that both his new girlfriend and 12 year-old daughter may be closer than he is to finding the killer.”

Half-mad scuba diver should tell you everything you need to know about this cookie cutter Dutch-made slasher flick, which came out in its native zip code back in 1988. Now you can dog paddle watching it for the first time in the U.S. when it gets its official release here with all the bells and whistles. It’s aged about as well as me.

Anna And The Apocalypse

ANNA AND THE APOCALYPSE (Scotland/2017)
“Anna’s life is dominated by the typical concerns of her youthful peers until the Christmas season in her small town brings not Santa, but an outbreak of the undead in this genre-mashing holiday horror musical.”

There it is — two words that should never be paired to describe a movie: horror musical. The holiday undead? Fine. Everything else? All yours, Scotland.

Pacific Rim: Uprising

PACIFIC RIM: UPRISING (new release date: March 23, 2018)
“It has been 10 years since The Battle of the Breach and the oceans are still, but restless. Vindicated by the victory at the Breach, the Jaeger program has evolved into the most powerful global defense force in human history. The PPDC now calls upon the best and brightest to rise up and become the next generation of heroes when the Kaiju threat returns.”

Finally the official plot, though I believe the above key art is fan made (check out the movie’s release date — FAIL) and not issued officially. (If you’re gonna have giant monsters fighting giant robots, I’m thinkin’ you may wanna include that in some form or fashion.) Disclosure: I’ve been a part of the Jaeger program every since downing my first shot. Drinking a bottle of Jaegermeister™ makes me wanna fight giant monsters and…well, pretty much anything that looks at me sideways. (I’m gunning for that stupid table lamp that always seems to be mocking me.)

Rampaging Dinosaurs – The New Republicans

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 19, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rise of the Dinosaurs

Rise of the Dinosaurs (aka, Jurassic Attack/2013) finds modern day prehistoric (okay, that didn’t come out right) reptilian monsters tearing apart humans like Republicans on Democrats. But that’s what dinosaurs are paid to do – and they do it as if it were a political agenda.

Rise of the Dinosaurs

That said, Rise of the Dinosaurs is an insult to cerapods everywhere. It starts with a dino attack on a commando squad sent to rescue a hostage held by terrorist/Republicans in a jungle valley not as yet pooped upon by people. Their rescue copter is compromised by hostile artillery and they crash right on to the kitchen table of a raptor just begging to strap the grocery bib on and send digital blood a’splattin’.

Rise of the Dinosaurs

Ninety-nine percent of the movie is the military squad and the terrorists/Republicans shooting at each other with a seemingly endless supply of digital bullets. From the time you see the first dinosaur rise, you don’t get to see another one chewing the scenery for over a half hour. Not cool.

Rise of the Dinosaurs

Before the opening scene rolls you already know what’s gonna happen. But that’s not the point. The digi-dinos are so painfully and poorly integrated into the “movie” and clumsily hopping around and attacking humans while casting Photoshop™ shadows designed by Art Institute™ grads, you’d swear you were playing a video game. (More than once I kept reaching for the game controller.)

Save yourself the dumbass digital destruction and just watch the evening news instead – it’s way more gory and not nearly as fake looking.