African Loch Ness Monster

A helicopter carrying a famed British cryptozoologist explorer with a cool adventure hat, a guide, a hot chick, a two-man film crew, and the guy’s 15 year-old stowaway son are taken out by prehistoric flying reptiles, one of which gets a taste of modern technology by the chopper blades. They were on their way over Africa to research — and film — dinosaurs, specificially Mokele mnembe (river monster), reported to be thriving deep in the unexplored jungle where no 7-Eleven™ dare sets up shop.

Those not killed in the crash get eaten by the bat-like birds, one of which is the hottie female assistant. I think she had three lines before her chewy death. Enough for an IMBD.com credit, I suppose.

With all communications equipment crunched, the survivors plod through the jungle and down a river in search of a 7-Eleven™ and safety. Good plan — too bad it doesn’t work. Mokele mnembe shows up to flip the boats and have some land sushi. “It’s the African version of the Loch Ness monster, but more plausible” declares the explorer, whose hat never comes off, even when battling river monsters.

This is all filmed with a bunch of GoPro™ cameras that the 15 year-old kid brings. (He has seven, none of which runs out of juice and always seems to stay in focus.) He manages to strap one on to a small raptor to see where it goes. (He feed it candy to gain its trust. That trick always works with me as well.)

The small group of leapin’ lizards are remotely viewed on an iPad™ going into a grotto and into the secret valley where all the dinosaurs do their business. Unfortunately, the explorer’s “right hand man,” who never gets any of the TV glory, goes rogue and tries to kill the boy, pushing him down the dino-hole. Fortunately, the GoPros™ are still going pro.

The Dinosaur Project (2012) is actually not as dumb as you’d imagine. A mash-up of The Land That Time Forgot (1975), The People That Time Forgot (1977), Journey to the Center of the Earth, (2008), Land of the Lost (2009) and Jurassic Park (1993), the monsters look fairly convincing, the “found footage” is found and tells the whole story about the dinoaurs and the hat always stays on the head. Although it probably came off after going over that cliff. Oh, snap — did I just spoil the party?

P.S. Full Discolsure — I previewed this one back on October 14 of 2011. My neighbor was being a dick that day that day. But as the film had as yet to be released, the promo pics showed dino-monsters that never made it to the final cut. So I’m legally off the hook for that misrepresentation. And to that I say “whew!”

Failed Religion, Human Pet Store, Camping With Bigfoot

This never-ending flood of horror movie releases makes me think I should get a GoPro™, strap it to a flexible body part, go out into the world and make my own horror masterpiece. (Okay, poor choice of words as that’s the phrase I use after eating a high-fiber breakfast.)

Yep, I could soon be joining the ranks of Hollywood’s elite and… Nah, too lazy. Would rather eat high-fiber breakfasts and “review” movies in my bathroom. Heh.

That said…

INCARNATE (December 2, 2016)
“Confined to a wheelchair after a horrific accident, Dr. Seth Ember is an “Incarnate” — gifted with the rare ability to delve into the minds of possessed people in order to exorcise their demons from the inside out. When the Vatican enlists him to exorcise a particularly troubled young boy, Ember is shocked to discover inside him the same evil spirit responsible for the death of his wife and child years before. Ember desperately searches for a way to destroy the demon before it kills him and unleashes its terror upon the world.”

Don’t mean to point out the obvious, but are not bartenders “Incarnates” as well? If anyone can delve into the mind of a possessed person and see the demon within, it’s the guy pouring your fifth drink.

PET (December 2, 2016 / VOD limited / December 27, 2016 / DVD)
“Seth is a lonely man working in an animal shelter. His monotonous routine is broken one day when he bumps into Holly, a girl from school who he soon becomes obsessed with. However, when she rejects his advances, Seth’s obsession reaches a terrifying new level, with Holly hiding secrets of her own.”

Animal shelter? Hiding secrets? Pffft – I bet she’s werewolf. That, or, um, not.

ENCLOSURE (2016/2017)
“A couple’s romantic camping trip is cut short after a group of nearby hunters are brutally killed by a mysterious creature. As the creature turns its focus on the couple, they must fight for their survival while their shelter is destroyed.”

Gotta be Bigfoot. What, you think some high-fiber seeking bear or thug4life raccoon would destroy someone’s shelter? Maybe in the movies. Regardless, of what you think, it boils down to this – if you’re planning a romantic camping trip (i.e., doin’ it in a tent in the woods), Bigfoot will foot block you.

WELCOME TO WILLITS (2017)
“Deep in the Northern California woods, locals struggle to fight off repeated attacks from mysterious invaders. When local farmer Brock is caught up with a wayward group of campers the situation quickly escalates into total carnage. Together with a ragtag crew Brock struggles to maintain his sanity while defending his family from perceived supernatural threats.”

Sounds like a paranormal spin on the famous TRUE STORY of the 1955 Kelly/Hopkinsville encounter in which a Kentucky backwoods farm family with BFFs (five adults, seven children, no booze) were allegedly terrorized for hours by shotgun-proof aliens. (In the end the aliens ate all their faces. Or so I heard.)

Aliens and Werewolves

Some new horror offerings, in case your daily recommended allowance of horror has not been met by watching the evening news.

First up is Area 51, in production since 2009 and just now hitting VOD and is YET ANOTHER one of those flippin’ annoying hand-held camera jobs. In this Area 51 (not to be confused with 2011’s Area 51 Confidential), as a class project several conspiracy theorists break into the legendary military base out in the Nevada desert said to house a junk yard of broken down UFOs and even an alien body or two. Or six.

Here’s the official rundown: “In 2009, three friends travel to the infamous Area 51 in order to uncover its secrets. They infiltrate the base using freon filled body suits in order to mask their body temperature. Once inside, the group discovers incredible technologies before finding themselves running for their lives from an unknown force.”

The “unknown force” probably has more to do with farting inside their body suits and not being able to escape the ensuing terror. AVClub.com’s review, though, says it all about Area 51: “A few fun and creepy effects shots, nothing that happens here couldn’t be surmised from simply reading the film’s title. What we really get is a complete failure of imagination.” Ouch.

If probing for government secrets or being probed by aliens isn’t your cup of beer, then you might be up for Uncaged (2015), a new werewolf movie that mixes found footage with trad-style filming.

Plot: “After several nights of waking up in the woods, a troubled teen straps a camera to himself to document how he’s getting there, only to find some things are better left a mystery.”

So a teen wolf doing selfies. I’m intrigued, though a werewolf running around with a GoPro™ strapped to his fuzzy head seems highly improbable. With all that wolfing around, you’d think the camera would fall off.

“Something’s lookin’ for food – and it found us…” Great line in Dark Was The Night, arriving in theaters on July 24, 2015. An ancient curse, a small town out in the trees, and stat worthy body counts.

Synopsis: “Maiden Woods is a remote and quiet town of decent, hard-working people, but something stirs in the dark woods surrounding this isolated community. After a logging company decimates an area of the forest, a rash of increasingly violent and unexplainable events transpires. Sheriff Paul Shields and his deputy struggle to confront their own personal demons while facing down a new breed of raw terror that is possibly older than humanity itself…and much hungrier.”

Is the monster a werewolf? Bigfoot? A hillbilly with abundant facial hair? Probably all three. Better be if they want my movie coupons.