Macabre Music, Voodoo Teenagers, Evil Boat Safety

Wednesday, the monster murder mystery spin-off of The Addams Family, became a global phenomenon with its premier on November 22, 2023, and is Netflix’s™ most popular comedy series to date. That’s an understatement. According to my exhaustive research (cut ’n pasting from Wikipedia™), Wednesday holds the record of most hours viewed in a week for an English-language Netflix™ series with a total 341.2 million hours watched in its first week of release, amounting to more than 50 million households, and passing prior record holder Stranger Things 4’s 335.01 million hours. Nielsen Media Research™ reported a combined watch time of 6 billion minutes within its first week of release, making it the second-biggest streaming week ever recorded by the firm.” 

Foaming at the mouth fans cite the series’ music as an ongoing highlight. And now you can get the soundtrack as limited edition colored vinyl to quench your Wednesday obsession. From the press release: “Wednesday’s first season soundtrack is available on vinyl for $35 via Lakeshore Records. Expected to ship in July/August 2023, the score is composed by Danny Elfman (Batman, Men in Black) and Chris Bacon (Bates Motel, Source Code). The album is pressed on 2xLP vinyl with three color variants: “Enid’s Pink Sweater” (Mondo™ exclusive, limited to 500), “Wednesday & Enid’s Room” (Walmart™ exclusive), and “Purple Goth with Smokey Shadow” (retail version). It’s housed in a gatefold jacket.”

It should be noted that the soundtrack does not contain the series’ other music, such as the nimble-fingered cello interpretation of the Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black”, the acoustic instrumental (or would that be “instrumetal”?) rendition of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters”, and The Cramps’ Goth punk pop, “Goo Goo Muck’, which sparked Wednesday’s dance craze and topped the charts over 40 years after its release in 1980. (P.S. “Goo Goo Muck” was written by Ronnie Cook and the Gaylads all the way back in 1962, the year non-dyed Goth punk pop was born.)

While we frantically preorder the soundtrack (take me there), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not feature a Goth punk pop song…

DEVILREAUX / June 9, 2023 (VOD), July 18, 2023 (DVD)

“A series of murders in 1800s will be avenged by forbidden voodoo, woken up accidentally by a group of teenagers.”

Seems like this plot is backward: “A group of forbidden teenagers is woken up by voodoo.” Then change voodoo to social media.

BEDRIDDEN / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“On the evening of their anniversary, Ray is attacked and murdered by a masked assailant in a desolate motel room while his wife, Teri, is forced to watch. Teri now faces the reality of rebuilding her life as a single mom without her beloved husband. Desperate to communicate one last time with Ray, she uses a mysterious Ouija board to try to reach out to the other side. Doing so opens up a portal that puts her and her daughter’s lives in danger. When her worst fears seemingly come true, Teri finds herself bedridden and trapped in a cat-and-mouse game of life and death.”

So Teri uses a Ouija board to talk to her dead husband. She should be using Dead Speak Pro™, an app that connects you to the spirit world. It has lots of spooky features and is free on Google Play™.

MOTORBOAT / June 13, 2023 (DVD)

“A rural lakeside community is terrorized by a demonic black boat prowling its waters, killing locals and turning the waters blood red. A fallen Priest and a no nonsense Harbor Patrol Captain have to fight a decades long evil, resurrected by a death cult, the Brotherhood of Darkness, led by the unstoppable Messiah Ward. It’s faith vs. hate in this battle for one town’s soul.”

This makes a mockery of life preservers. Not cool.

THE ONLY ONES / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A seemingly harmless weekend getaway turns into a chaotic nightmare as this group proves that when you’ve got friends, who needs enemies?”

With a plot like that, who needs this movie?

Vile Vision, Ghost Guests, Lethal Lobsters

For horror movies fans there exists a plethora of viewing options, paid and free. If you don’t mind ad-supported horror movies (or just regular movies, which nobody cares about), Tubi™ and YouTube™ beats the competition by far with obscure, DYI, foreign and classic horror offerings. (P.S. Tubi™ is the king of horror/sci-fi with hundreds upon other hundreds of horror flicks you never knew existed.)

Shudder™ is the de facto go to for paid horror viewing, with a sharply curated catalogue and consistent new releases. With plans starting at $4.79 a month, you be a screaming dumbass (okay, maybe not screaming) to not subscribe. Another bountiful horror/sci-fi option, though, is Wicked Horror TV™, a premium streaming service specializing in quality horror films. (Note: ALL horror movies are quality. Except maybe three.) 

Wicked Horror TV™ puts the gore in categorize — horror movies are sorted by decades (1920s to whatever decade we’re in now), countries (Asia, Australia, Europe, South America and whatever country we’re in now), and sub-genres (ghosts, giallo, gothic, paranormal, possession, B-movies, satanic, supernatural, occult, witches, etc.) There’s plenty of ad-supported free horror, but the premium plan taps you for $5.99 a month, though you save thriftily with their billed annually plan of $49.99. Wicked Horror TV™ can be watched (or “viewed”) on things like Fire TV™, Roku™, Apple TV™, Android TV™, Google Play™, and iOS™ mobile devices.

While you close out your horror-bereft Netflix™ account and sign up for Wicked Horror TV™ (click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/tv series that may or may not be worth paying for — or watching for free…

DEADLY DEALINGS / Out now (YouTube™/VOD)

“A young woman struggles with losing her brother. Her roommate turns her on to a spirit board, and that night she has a dream that she can trade her dream for her brother’s life. The next day when she awakens she learns that it was more than just a dream and she bit off more than she expected.”

Yawn. Sounds more like a spirit bored than a spirit board.

THE GHOSTS OF MONDAY / January 23, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“A television director becomes embroiled in a supernatural conspiracy after traveling to Cyprus to make a TV pilot about a haunted hotel.”

Cyprus is an island country located south of the Anatolian Peninsula in the eastern Mediterranean Sea. Seems like a long way to go to document hotel haunters. Try the “ghosts only” Overlook Hotel in the nearby country of Colorado.

THE SWARM / Release pending 2023 (Streaming TV subscription)

“A global environmental thriller, The Swarm is set in a present day where anomalies and unnatural behavior in marine animals are causing upheaval all over the world. Millions of strange worms suddenly appear on the bottom of the North Sea, drilling their way through frozen methane, threatening to destabilize the entire continental shelf. Swarms of mussels stop large vessels from maneuvering. Toxic jellyfish, lobsters and whales start attacking human beings along the coasts of the world. It follows a global group of scientists and military who come together to tackle one of the biggest challenges mankind has ever faced. They make the chilling discovery that we are not the only intelligent species on this planet — and that deep down at the bottom of the sea resides a collective intelligence which has suffered the ravages of civilization on its habitat and decided to fight back.”

Strange worms, toxic jellyfish, swarms of mussels…sounds like the Seafarer’s Feast™ at Red Lobster™.

NEW FEAR’S EVE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“As the coming year approaches, three friends reluctantly prepare for Hooper Industries’ annual New Year’s Eve bash. The clock ticks down and the body count rises as a psychotic murderer known as The Doctor is on the loose. This sadistic surgeon of death leaves Owensboro covered in blood as local police and FBI are forced to navigate through a maze of bodies left in his wake.”

I liked this better when it was called New Year’s Evil (1980).

Gutter Clowns, Blood Witches, California Demons

The clown is back in town and ready to get down. Cinedigm™ and its Bloody Disgusting™-powered horror platform Screambox™ just announced the release of the acclaimed horror documentary Pennywise: The Story of IT, an in-depth look at the 1990 miniseries based on Stephen King’s iconic novel. It shows up on doorsteps, VOD and street drain holes November 22, 2022 as a collector’s edition Blu-ray. Pre-order HERE.

From the helpful press release: “An in-depth look at the 1990 mini-series based on Stephen King‘s novel, The Pennywise: The Story of IT collector’s edition Blu-ray will include six bonus features, several of them exclusive to this release. The documentary also boasts a wealth of archival material and never-before-seen footage.”

When It came out as a five-hour mini-series in 1990, it was somewhat shocking for the time. But it hasn’t aged as well as, say, me. Pennywise, the super evil clown who terrorizes kids and then again as adults, is pretty cool, though. Pennywise in 2017’s smash success re-boot hit the gas and depicted the hideous harlequin with an extreme makeover that had you making sewage in your britches.

While we go on Amazon Prime™ to order the Blu-ray (might as well pick up some new pants while I’m in the zone), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a sewer…

THE BASTARD SON & THE DEVIL HIMSELF / October 28, 2022 (Netflix™)

“After being discovered as an illegitimate son of the ‘World’s Most Dangerous Blood Witch’, 16-year-old Nathan Byrn was monitored by The Council of Fairborn Witches for several years. However, as the conflict between Blood Witch and Fairborn Witch escalates, Nathan found an opportunity to escape. As he escaped, he’d soon built alliances with Annalise and Gabriel while discovering previously unknown secrets of himself.”

Wish I was the illegitimate son of the World’s Most Dangerous Blood Witch. It’s likely I already am, though. This is why I started calling myself, Son of the World’s Most Dangerous Blood Witch. That’d look cool on some sort of wearing shirt.

THE SLEEP EXPERIMENT / November 1, 2022 (iTunes™, Amazon™, Google Play™, iNDemand™, DISH™)

“Two detectives begin an investigation on the ethics involved in Porton Down, the top-secret research facility. One experiment in particular stands out to them as the most horrific — The Sleep Experiment, which took place during the Cold War. The experiment consisted of five prisoners deemed Enemies of the State, being locked in a sealed gas chamber. An airborne stimulant was continually administered to keep the subjects awake for 30 consecutive days. The prisoners were falsely promised that they would be set free from the prison if they completed the experiment. Inspired by real events, The Sleep Experiment is a psychological thriller that exposes the horrors of what humanity is capable of when pushed to the brink.”

I tried staying awake for 30 days, but only made it about three hours. Still, pretty rough. My humanity was definitely pushed to the brink.

MALIBU HORROR STORY / Pending release 2022/2023

“A group of amateur paranormal investigators are filming a documentary about four teens missing since 2012, a case that remains unsolved despite recovered camera footage from the day of their disappearance. The investigation leads them to the teen’s last known whereabouts: a cave deep in the Malibu mountains, where they set up camp. Attempting to communicate with the spirits within, the investigators bring forth an ancient demon intent on guarding the land and enacting the same gruesome fate those four teens met 10 years ago.”

No wonder the ancient demon is so intent on guarding the land around his cave hole. This is in Malibu, home of some of the priciest real estate ever invented. Teens do nothing but drive the property value down. And not just in Malibu.

NIGHTMARE RADIO: THE NIGHT STALKER / Pending release 2022/2023

“Candy is a late-night radio DJ with a program where people call to tell her ‘real’ horror stories. One of her listeners begins to call her insistently. Candy quickly discovers that there is a strange connection between them. Soon she will find out how far an obsessed fan is willing to go.”

Yeah, but did she play his song request? Radio DJs don’t think listeners have anything better to do than to keep calling the station. The song he requested? “Psycho Killer.” Heh.

That ’70s Zombie, Sleepy Zombies, Rural Werewolves

When it came out in 1979 (1978 in Italy), Dawn of the Dead, in eye-bursting color, featured unflinchingly graphic flesh-eating zombies, skyrocketing the genre into mainstream pop culture status. And it also butt-birthed generations of walking dead movies/TV shows, which continues to this day over 40 years later. Thanks to technology and all its science magic, you can now see Dawn of the Dead…in 3-D!

You read the words correctly — from October 28 through October 31, Regal Cinemas is showing the 3-D conversion of the groundbreaking splat masterpiece in 250 Regal venues. (Click HERE for tix) Warning: the first three rows will get wet.

In case it slipped your mind, here’s the original plot: “Following an ever-growing epidemic of zombies that have risen from the dead, two Philadelphia S.W.A.T. team members, a traffic reporter, and his television executive girlfriend seek refuge in a secluded shopping mall.” That won’t win any marketing awards, but just know that Dawn of the Dead explodes with glisten-y chewed flesh and previously-owned body parts.

While we look for some stain-proof pants to wear to the premier, here are few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as essential as previously-owned body parts…

DEAD BRIDE / Out now (iTunes™, Amazon Prime Video™, Google Play™, Xbox™, Vudu™)

“After her father’s death, Alyson, her partner Richard and their baby return to her childhood home. Following a few shocking supernatural events, Alyson discovers that she and her family have been living with a terrible curse, unleashed in the past by a bride killed by Alyson’s grandfather. Soon after Alyson’s child disappears and she has no choice but to embark on a frightening journey into the underworld to free herself from the bride’s curse and to look for her daughter.”

Note to Alyson: the entrance to the Underworld is the Tug Tavern’s bathroom, or “Portal Potty.” P.S. Wash your hands. 

SLEEP. WALK. KILL. / November 4, 2022 (VOD/Digital platforms)

“If you sleep, you become one of them. News reports tell of an Earth-shattering sound heard along the entire East Coast. Nobody knows where it came from. Nobody knows what it means. That night, people start walking in their sleep. And killing in their sleep. When the screaming stops and the blood dries, those left have to work together to stay alive. Heads will roll, eyeballs will fly, but for Edgar, Hell is still just other people. His ex-wife, his parents and all his neighbors are hiding out at his house. And they’re even worse than the flesh-eating sleepwalkers.”

Flesh-eating sleepwalkers. Does that mean the night-snackers are wearing pajamas? Do they snore? It’d be nice to get some clarification on this matter of high import. 

IN SEARCH OF DARKNESS: PART III / November, 2022 (Digital) / January, 2023 (DVD/Blu-ray)

“In Search of Darkness: Part III — the ultimate ’80s horror documentary series — is a five-plus-hour exploration of the undiscovered treasures of the VHS era. Featuring interviews with 70 horror luminaries, including such icons as John Carpenter, Robert Englund, Caroline Munro, and Cassandra Peterson, In Search of Darkness: Part III is presented in a compelling year-by-year format that examines horror in the context of the decade’s touchstone moments and movements such as the rise of indie horror during the home video boom, the backlash of the Satanic panic, the genre’s relationship with heavy metal music, horror’s marginalization by the mainstream, the influence of Mexican, European, Canadian and Asian horror, and more.”

I’ve seen In Search of Darkness: Part I (2019) and Part II (2020). And now, with the release of In Search of Darkness: Part III, that’s over 14 hours of more ’80s horror than you should be legally able to wrap your eyeballs around. Get all three in a massive-yet-tidy bundle HERE, and plan on spending the entire weekend on your couch. You can thank me on Monday…if you make it that far.

WOLF HOLLOW / Spring, 2023

“A group of young filmmakers venture out on a location scout in rural Pennsylvania. Deep into the back country, it quickly becomes apparent they’ve stumbled onto a family of werewolves and must now survive the night.”

Werewolves live in Pennsylvania? I would’ve thought…Gnashville. Heh.

An Avalanche of Snow Sharks

Killer sharks that swim through snow as though the snow was water? (OK, I get the irony that snow is already water, just more solid-y.) Two things come to mind: Avalanche Sharks is a blatant attempt to cash-in on the highly successful Sharknado franchise. Second, this premise was already done with 2011’s Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast.

Look for Avalanche Sharks (releasing June 30, 2015) on Amazon, Google Play, iTunes, Vimeo, and VUDU as well as On Demand with AT&T and DirecTV. And to entice you to watch it, here’s the low down on the snow down…

“Bikini Snow Day is the busiest day of the year at Mammoth Mountain and the resort is packed with wild co-eds looking for a good time. When an unexpected avalanche rumbles down the mountain, it awakens ancient spirits in the form of massive sharks with a taste for human flesh. As the body count begins to pile up, the local sheriff must form an unlikely alliance with a motley crew of locals and tourists in order to kill off the terrifying creatures before it’s too late.”

Brain dead/dumbass plot notwithstanding, some clarification is required. First, Avalanche Sharks was originally titled Snow Sharks and might’ve been released on DVD in 2013. (I saw it on the Internet with a bar code and everything, I swear. That, and Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast beat ‘em to the punch by two years).

Secondly, Ice Jaws, the Japanese admat take on Avalanche Sharks is way more awesome. The art for all other snow shark movies gives me sno-cone headache.