Giant Seafood, Superhero Overdose, Percentage Vampire

Clicked across a recent news piece about a North Wales fisherman finding the claw of a giant lobster. My first thought was, “Finally!” Experts theorized the claw belonged to a monster lobster that measured over three-feet in length, weighed more than 17 lbs., and was over 50 years old.

I theorized it was part of Ebirah, the giant lobster from Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster (1966). Godzilla ripped the claw off Ebirah and beat him with it, then tossed the shelled appendage out to sea, where it floated around for 51 years and ended up in North Wales, where it was recovered by that lucky fishing dude. (Man, I wish I was a lucky fishing dude.) He took pictures, then ran to the store to get 10 lbs. of butter to dip it in.

I’m pretty sure I’m right. So while you’re trying to decide if you agree with me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not smell fishy…

DARK SIDE OF THE WOMB (available now)
“Ed is a dwarf who falls in love with a large woman named Linda. When Linda is murdered by her ex-boyfriend-turned-killer-clown, Ed mutilates her corpse with a kitchen knife and climbs into her womb to be ‘born again’.”

This one sounds seriously messed up. Whoever came up with this idea for a horror movie needs therapy. Whoever watches it needs therapy. My appointment is at 6:30PM if anyone wants to join me.

GHOULS (aka, Vurdalaki/December 2, 2017)
“A Dracula-esque baron seeks to conquer his long-lost half-vampire daughter, while a very modern-looking 18th Century official tries to save her.”

Dracula-esque. Best descriptive term I’ve heard since “imitation crab.” So this sorta Dracula has a half-vampire daughter. Two questions: Which half does she need to put sunblock on? Secondly, is her cocktail of choice a Bloody Mary or an Amstel Light? I’ll have to consult a very modern-looking 18th Century official. I think he works the garden tool aisle at Wal-Mart. P.S. Found this on Amazon Prime™ as Vamps.

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR (May 4, 2018)
“Four years after the events of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, the Avengers, torn apart after the events of Captain America: Civil War, join forces with the Guardians of the Galaxy to battle Thanos, who is trying to amass the Infinity Stones for a gauntlet that will allow him to inflict his will on all reality.”

I count 17 superheroes on what is the first of likely dozens of movie key art posters. Disappointingly, I’m not on there. You know me as an ill-mannered blog reporter by day. But at night, I’m Yell Man. My neighbors are well aware what my super power is. And by the way, I know where the Infinity Stones are — they’re in the Cosmic Entity aisle at Wal-Mart. (They need Triple AAA batteries, which are conveniently located next to the check-out counter. Well played, Wal-Mart.)

ABRUPTIO (May 31, 2018)
“Les Hackel is a guy down on his luck who wakes to find an explosive device has been implanted in his neck. He must carry out heinous crimes in order to stay alive while trying to identify the mastermind manipulating the now twisted and strange world around him.”

The explosive device implanted in my neck is my head – ha! As the for the twisted and strange world, he’s clearly in Wal-Mart.

When Godzilla Became Frankenstein

Super duper annoying when (and I use the term loosely) people mistakenly – to this franken day – think Frankenstein is the monster instead of Dr. Victor Frankenstein, the guy who puzzled together the monster from scrap corpse parts. And while the brute doesn’t have a proper title other than “the monster,” you get the misnomer; the name “Frankenstein” is pretty dang classic, right up there with iconic nom de plumes names like “Godzilla,” “Dracula” and “Lord Voldemort.”

No surprise the Germans – Frankenstein’s kin — regularly slapped the popular “monster” name on imported horror advertising art to help sell movie tickets, even though Frank wasn’t so much as in the credits. (Did Frankenstein or his heirs get paid for this unlicensed usage? Hölle nein!)

An example of this is Ebirah, Horror From the Deep, aka, Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster (1966). Initial German ad art had the movie titled, Frankenstein und die Ungeheuer dem Meer (or, Frankenstein and the Beast from the Sea). And while the advertising depicts Godzilla (what – no promo headshot?), they didn’t want to gamble the movie’s box office on a name that’s only been around for a few relative years, whereas Frankenstein was globally established and universally recognized since 1931. In that context, it makes sense.

Frankenstein’s good name has been co-opted/dragged through the mud over the years for this very same reason. But think about it – would you rather take your queasy vehicle to Bob’s Car Care or Frankenstein’s Complete Auto Restoration? I rest my case.

Gasp in awe at the misbranded examples above, including King Kong: Frankenstein’s Son (aka, King Kong Escapes/1962) that’ll leave you staunen (“stunned” for all you Bob’s Car Care types).

P.S. Only Spain’s Santo Contra La Hija De Frankestein (aka, Santo Against Daughter Frankenstein/1972) and Santo y Blue Demon Contra el Dr. Frankestein (aka, Santo and Blue Demon Against Dr. Frankenstein/1974) got it at least medically correct even though they couldn’t spell Frank’s name right on the advertising.

The Claw Is Family

I’ve eaten crawdads. I’ve eaten lobster. Crawdads are harder to eat as you first need to “pinch the tail and suck the head.” (Sounds like what a 1-800 escort is paid to do.) Lobster is preferable as all you have to do is crack the shell and shove the sweet meat into your mouth. OK, that didn’t sound right.

Regardless, two distantly related shellfish that deserve rental space in your tract. But what if they were movies instead of breakfast? Such is the case with Crawdaddy, an in-production sci-fi tongue-in-cheeker about a genetically altered (i.e., colossal) crawdad seeking revenge. The other, of course, is Ebirah, the giant teabag lobster that had a less-than-rewarding bout with Godzilla in the 1966 semi-classic, Ebirah, Horror of the Deep (aka, Godzilla, Ebirah, Mothra: Big Duel in the South Seas and Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster).

But the shell of it all is that Crawdaddy looks to be another SyFy Channel™ schlobster fest. All they seem to be doing is super-sizing another entree, backdropping it in a formulaic revenge agenda, and calling it a day. Ebirah, though limited in screen time, was not a digital creation (he was born in the primordial crab boil known as the ocean). Ebby really threw his claw into his performance and not let himself become just another notch on Godzilla’s victory bib. Who needed drawn butter when the action was so tasty?

Here’s what to expect with Crawdaddy…

Deep in the forest on Clear Lake, an experiment has gone terribly wrong. People are being systematically killed by an unforeseen danger. Among the survivors, including the biologist and sheriff, are three teenage ex-gang members, an Eagle Scout, a beautiful teenage blind girl, a Katrina transplant, and a hermit scientist.

Holding out at the scientist’s shack, they fight for their lives against the packs of dog-sized crawdads. The scientist reveals his involvement in creating genetically modified super-fish, which were eaten by the crawdad population at the lake, causing them to grow. It wasn’t until the last few days that they became aggressive. Just when the group thinks they’ve succeeded, the king of them all… Crawdaddy…has come to seek revenge for the killing of its spawn.

Ouch. This may be the first time a movie could give you ciguatera poisoning.