Archive for Goblin shark

Sharks With Tan Lines

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Malibu Shark Attack

Underwater earthquakes off the coast of California release a school of prehistoric sharks hell bent on eating anything wearing a bikini. And these Goblin sharks do a LOT of gobblin’: surfers, skin divers, swimmers — anything that rhymes with food.

Malibu Shark Attack

So what were the sharks doing for a million years while buried under the ocean? Playing cards, would be my guess. Probably Go Fish™. Don’t give me that look — that joke was gold.

Malibu Shark Attack

The earthquakes cause a tsunami, which obliterates those suns of beaches. In a genius move four lifeguards and two beachers make it into a lifeguard stand and ride out the Big Wave. Never mind that the lifeguard stand is basically painted balsa wood that manages to take a direct hit from the wave without snapping into toothpicks, or that the tsunami crushes everything else into jellyfish.

Malibu Shark Attack

The survivors (for now) are trapped in the shelter with Goblin sharks skinny-dipping around them. Brilliant, I tell you. The sharks, unfortunately, meet their seafood destiny at the end of a Black & Decker™ chainsaw (B&D should use that in their marketing brochures.)

Malibu Shark Attack

Goblin sharks have cartoonish protruding snouts, which look like novelty-store noses. Only thing missing is over-sized eye-glasses and squirting flowers on their lapels. They look stupid. Malibu Shark Attack (2009) is stupid. I’m stupid. Oh, yeah? Well, so are you. So there.

Beverly Hills Sharks

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

90210 Shark Attack

In the schlock-y vein of Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012), in which our apex predator pals tear into a bunch of self-centered egomaniacal Jersey Shore types, comes 90210 Shark Attack (releasing February 2015), hopefully doing to a bunch of self-centered egomaniacal Beverly Hills types what we pay to see them do. And just like Jersey Shore Shark Attack a plot is simply not needed. But for obsessives, here you go…

“A group of entitled Beverly Hills oceanography students arrive at a mansion in Malibu to study local ocean waters. One by one, the students begin to disappear, murdered by some flesh-shredding entity, leaving wounds similar in nature to a shark attack. But how is that possible when the nearest ocean is a half-mile away?”

90210 Shark Attack

OK, wow. Entitled (!) oceanography students go to a mansion to study ocean waters? And why would a shark go to Beverly Hills in the first place? To shop? And with parking at $2.00 per twenty minutes (citing the City of Beverly Hills 2014 Department of Administrative Services), what shark can afford to leave his or her vehicle there while dining at Villa Blanca (price range $31 – $60, serving Italian, Mediterranean and Asian foods, and is perfect for a romantic meal) or on its patrons?

Malibu Shark Attack

If you’re looking for a slightly better Los Angeles beach brunch, give Malibu Shark Attack (2009) a look see/sea. A tsunami floods coastal L.A., paving the way for prehistoric goblin sharks to swim inland do some gobblin’. Heh.