Archive for gladiator

Hercules vs. Jell-o

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Something Beneath

Kevin Sorbo once played Hercules on a TV series where he got to punch people. Here, in Something Beneath (2007), he plays a wussy priest with obviously dyed hair and quotes ancient Indian scripture. Who needs to be punched now?

Something Beneath

He’s attending a lecture on environmental issues at a new resort built on land that has no birds, frogs, snakes or stink beetles. What the land does have is a gelatinous sentient creature living in the ground, causing people to hallucinate their worst fears. (For me it’d be watching this movie ever again.) Throw in a cast of asshats — a diva b*tchsnob, a biologist with asthma, a straight cop with a crooked past, and Sorbo as a bible-licker with a roving eye for the resort’s supermodel PR rep — and you have an achingly wrong excuse for a sci-fi movie.

Something BeneathBy the time they find the creature, it starts growing wiggly tentacles and is coming out of it’s dirt hole. The supermodel chick, hanging on for dear life over it’s mouth (or butt opening — like I can tell the difference) utters something in ancient Indian (which, as you recall, Sorbo happens to be fluent in), and causes the monster to retreat like me at a non-alcohol party.

Something Beneath

Seems this language was a prayer asking the monster for forgiveness and that everyone is sorry for making it mad. The worse part is that it worked! That would’ve been the time for Sorbo to Herc up and start kicking blob. But no, he’s a wuss now and has no time for gladiator pants or punching things. 

I feel as though my entire belief system has been mocked.

Zombie Gladiator

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Demonicus

An ancient burial cave (or “tunnel”) holds the rotted carcass of Demonicus, a bully gladiator left in the cave for a really long time to reflect on his poor behavior. To wear his shiny helmet is to serve Demonicus. So, hey – why not?

Demonicus

A bunch of teens go hiking. One finds the cave and dons the evil chapeau, then slaughters his friends with a sword he can barely hold up. He then collects the body parts, puts them in a boiling pot with some chicken stock and chopped celery, creating a nutritious soup that’ll bring Demonicus back to life so that he may continue to shout Latin slogans and bite the arms of the weak.

Demonicus

As dumb v.3 as it gets, Demonicus (2001) makes no attempt at dialogue, sub-plots, or hiding the fact that “actors” will one minute be standing in complete darkness, then a few minutes later in sunlight. Then in an unemployment line.

Demonicus

If the plot doesn’t kill you, the story line will. It’s enough to make you wanna perform a ritual sacrifice on your TV.