Archive for giant robots

Dumb Robots

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Never thought I’d say this (today, anyway) but with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009), they ruined a perfectly good giant robot movie by putting in too many giant robots.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

The storyline, like my driving technique, is all over the sidewalk, jumping from one location to the next, with everyone trying to outrun those mechani-buttwads, the Decepticons. I think there’s a plot somewhere in here, but I couldn’t find it.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

The special effects are over the top. So much so, it wears out your eyeballs. It’s like being at a Nudist Convention — you don’t know where to focus.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

For my money the drama in the 2002 hit TV show Robot Wars was far more engaging.

Zombie Justice, Vampire Detective, Saturn’s 7-Eleven

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pacific Rim: Uprising

A new poster for Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018). Looks nifty, although after watching the trailers this whole thing is starting to smell like one of those steaming mess Transformer movies. Giant robots fighting giant monsters from another dimension, though, still looks good on paper. So yeah, I’ll go see it.

Pacific Rim: Uprising

Until these machines get their metal groove on when the movie is released in March, 2018, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be steaming messes…

Black Hollow Cage

BLACK HOLLOW CAGE (available now)
“A girl, who lives secluded in a house in the woods with the only company of her father and a wolfhound, finds among the trees a mysterious cubic device with the ability to change the past.”

I’m betting the “mysterious cubic device” is an outhouse. Logical when you see that outhouses have the ability to change the past as well. Ate a bad burrito last night and its causing havoc on your Lynyrd innards? Use the outhouse and presto! — you’ve been factory re-set and the past is (no pun intended) behind you.

RV: Resurrected Victims

RV: RESURRECTED VICTIMS (available now)
“In the near future, murder victims have begun coming back to life with the sole purpose of avenging their deaths. Jin-hong is a cold-hearted prosecutor who’s obsessed with catching the man that killed his mother. But when she returns home, intent on killing him, he quickly becomes the lead suspect.”

Neat twist on the zombie theme, even though they don’t use the Z word anywhere. But a rose by any other name…

Detective K: Secret of the Living Dead

DETECTIVE K: SECRET OF THE LIVING DEAD (February 16, 2018)
“When a series of unusual murders occurs, Detective K and his partner are once again called upon to solve the case. Along the way, he teams up with a beautiful woman with amnesia and together they discover vampire bite marks on all of the bodies. As they investigate further, they begin to realize that the woman is somehow closely connected to the deaths.”

Detective K. Cool name. Detective P? Not so much. And the beautiful woman with amnesia— they practically tell you she’s the vampire they’re looking for. Better to let her suck on a body part to make sure and… HEY — get your mind out of the gutter, you pervs. FYI: This one has an alternate title: Detective K: Secret of the Bloodsucking Demon. There is no part of that I don’t like.

The Titan

THE TITAN (APRIL 13, 2018)
“When Earth’s resources start rapidly depleting, the human race is faced with the threat of swift and inevitable extinction. As the clock ticks down, and options become increasingly limited, space exploration emerges as mankind’s last hope. Hotshot Air Force pilot, Rick Janssen is chosen for a military experiment that will create a human being capable of surviving the harsh environments of Saturn’s moon, Titan. The experiment is successful, turning Rick into a super-human. But it also creates deadly side-effects which threaten the lives of Rick, his wife, Abigail, his family, and possibly humanity itself.”

Crud — we drink up all of Earth’s resources and Titan, the largest of Saturn’s 62 moons, is the only lunar 7-Eleven™ we can go wreck? There are lots more planets closer. And since Saturn is 746 million miles away, at $3.09 average for a gallon of gas — and correctly assuming any space rocket would get at least 35 miles per gallon — it would take $2,360,760,000.00 to fill the tank. That would buy a lot of Romulan Ale.

P.S. I saw two release dates for this — one in April and, according to the poster, supposedly in May. Pick your fav month and go with that.

Vampire Volcanoes, Christmas Zombies, Kaiju Sequels

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Van Helsing

Feeling super dissed about the TV series Van Helsing basing their vampire outbreak/resurgence on a super volcano (or “caldera”) that goes off in Yellowstone, which spans Wyoming, parts of Montana and Idaho. In the series’ second show the volcano pops its top and leaves a “black rain” of gunky ash all over Seattle and blocking out the sun, thus vampires. This is due to the direction the wind was blowing at the time the volcano was doing the same thing.

Super Volcano

The thing that really sets my pyroclastic flow a’flowin’ is that we already have FIVE volcanoes within GoPro™ distance from downtown Seattle, the two most notable being Mt. Rainier (where flying saucers were first spotted flying in carnival formation in 1947), and the feisty Mount St. Helens, which went off back in May 18 of 1980, and has been declared as “the most disastrous volcanic eruption in United States history.”

To the best of my knowledge, neither volcano unleashed a vampiric plague on this or any other city, and eventually the world — but they COULD HAVE. Why give all the credit to Yellowstone, which is 739.5 miles away (via I-90 West), when we can practically hitchhike to our own dang volcanoes? They can have all the Sharknados they want, but any plague/vampire/zombie/chapped lipped outbreak should come from here, not some overpriced park nearly 1,000 miles away.

Until I can form a formal rally against Yellowstone (feel free to donate to the cause), you can pass the time waiting for a vampire outbreak with these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies…

Volumes of Blood: Horror Stories

VOLUMES OF BLOOD: HORROR STORIES (available now)
“The story of this one centers around a young couple checking out a house for sale and taking the grand and gory tour given by a sketchy real estate agent. As they go through each room of the house, we’re able to see through flashbacks, the horrors that once unfolded and burned into the house’s horrible history. If those walls could talk, they wouldn’t; They would be traumatically catatonic. Each tragedy is associated with a holiday or some sort of special day which gives great context of each story.”

Love the premise. If my walls could talk, they’d probably tell me to give ’em a new coat of paint. Note to stupid walls: go sand yourself.

Amsterdamned

AMSTERDAMNED (August 29, 2017)
“A half-mad scuba diver hiding in Amsterdam’s labyrinthine canal system embarks on a rampage of gruesome murders, terrifying city officials and leaving few clues for the city’s best detective, who doesn’t suspect that both his new girlfriend and 12 year-old daughter may be closer than he is to finding the killer.”

Half-mad scuba diver should tell you everything you need to know about this cookie cutter Dutch-made slasher flick, which came out in its native zip code back in 1988. Now you can dog paddle watching it for the first time in the U.S. when it gets its official release here with all the bells and whistles. It’s aged about as well as me.

Anna And The Apocalypse

ANNA AND THE APOCALYPSE (Scotland/2017)
“Anna’s life is dominated by the typical concerns of her youthful peers until the Christmas season in her small town brings not Santa, but an outbreak of the undead in this genre-mashing holiday horror musical.”

There it is — two words that should never be paired to describe a movie: horror musical. The holiday undead? Fine. Everything else? All yours, Scotland.

Pacific Rim: Uprising

PACIFIC RIM: UPRISING (new release date: March 23, 2018)
“It has been 10 years since The Battle of the Breach and the oceans are still, but restless. Vindicated by the victory at the Breach, the Jaeger program has evolved into the most powerful global defense force in human history. The PPDC now calls upon the best and brightest to rise up and become the next generation of heroes when the Kaiju threat returns.”

Finally the official plot, though I believe the above key art is fan made (check out the movie’s release date — FAIL) and not issued officially. (If you’re gonna have giant monsters fighting giant robots, I’m thinkin’ you may wanna include that in some form or fashion.) Disclosure: I’ve been a part of the Jaeger program every since downing my first shot. Drinking a bottle of Jaegermeister™ makes me wanna fight giant monsters and…well, pretty much anything that looks at me sideways. (I’m gunning for that stupid table lamp that always seems to be mocking me.)