King Clowns, Dimensional Pumpkins, Death-Dealing Descendants

The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror Halloween specials have aired annually for the last 35 years. (You may have heard of The Simpsons.) But this year, Treehouse of Horror will be the first time airing of two different brand new episodes. Before you totally goon out, here are the specs: “One of the two Treehouse of Horror 2022 episodes will take the familiar anthology approach, while the other will be a full length, 20-minute parody of Stephen King’s It.”

In advance of Treehouse of Horror Presents: Not It, a Pennywise-themed fan art contest has launched and winners will have their art featured in the episode! Send in your creepiest, scariest, most creative fan art of Krusty the Clown for a chance to have your artwork displayed in the end credits of the terrifying Simpsons Halloween episode airing October 23, 2022.” (Artfully Enter HERE)

The drool-worthy plot: “In Treehouse of Horror Presents: Not It, when a supernatural clown starts slaying the children of Kingfield, young Homer Simpson teams up with other middle school misfits to face their fears and defeat the mysterious monster. But years later, the evil clown returns, and Homer’s friends must confront the tragedy of their adult lives to destroy Krusto once and for all.”

I’d enter the contest, but I can only draw flies, curtains and bathwater. Heh.

While you’re sharpening your contest crayons, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not seem cartoonish to you…

PUMPKINHOLE / Out now (VOD)

“A washed up baseball star is haunted by visions of pumpkins, believing them to be linked to a boy who mysteriously disappeared last Halloween. As these experiences intensify, he desperately seeks a way to make the visions stop, and soon thinks the pumpkins are guiding him to another dimension to bring the boy back.”

Pumpkinhole. The title reminds me of that classic story: “Police were called to a nighttime disturbance in a farm field. Upon arriving, the cops discover a drunk guy, pants around his ankles, screwing a pumpkin he carved a hole in. Flashlights shining on the scene, the cops asked why the guy was having sex with a pumpkin, to which the drunk guy responded, “Pumpkin? Is it after midnight already?” Man, that NEVER gets old.

THE INHABITANT / October 2, 2022 (VOD)

“A teenage descendant of Lizzie Borden grapples with paranoia and her dark family past amid a series of real-life small town murders in this chilling psychological horror ride.”

Um, Lizzie and her sister Emma Borden never married, so how can she have descendants? No additional siblings documented from dad Andrew and step-b*tch mom Abby, either, so that theory is chopped to pieces. I have, then, no other conclusion than to deem this movie’s plot a complete sham. They should be aSHAMed.

THEY SEE YOU / October 3, 2022 (VOD)

“Years ago in a small, quiet town, the disappearance of several children remains a mystery. The town is home to three brothers. When boredom and curiosity get the best of the middle brother, he talks his two brothers into stealing a strange board on Halloween from a local shop that sells odd items. A board that is rumored to be cursed. When they unlock the board’s power, they inadvertently open a gateway to another dimension summoning ghouls to their small town. Now as their friends begin to disappear and masked creatures surround them, their only chance is to find the shop owner, and learn how to close the gate again, before it is too late.”

Sounds like these guys have been watching Jumanji (1995). But they substituted jungle creatures with plain ‘ol masked creatures that probably have never even seen a real forest — or so much as a hairy bush.

THEY CRAWL BENEATH / October 4, 2022 (DVD) October 27, 2022 (VOD)

“After an earthquake leaves Danny trapped and alone, his claustrophobic nightmare only gets worse when something truly horrifying emerges from the fissures in the ground, forcing him to engage in a brutal fight for his life and his sanity.”

This is also being called It Crawls Beneath. They should’ve called it Tremors (1990).

Giant Seafood, Superhero Overdose, Percentage Vampire

Clicked across a recent news piece about a North Wales fisherman finding the claw of a giant lobster. My first thought was, “Finally!” Experts theorized the claw belonged to a monster lobster that measured over three-feet in length, weighed more than 17 lbs., and was over 50 years old.

I theorized it was part of Ebirah, the giant lobster from Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster (1966). Godzilla ripped the claw off Ebirah and beat him with it, then tossed the shelled appendage out to sea, where it floated around for 51 years and ended up in North Wales, where it was recovered by that lucky fishing dude. (Man, I wish I was a lucky fishing dude.) He took pictures, then ran to the store to get 10 lbs. of butter to dip it in.

I’m pretty sure I’m right. So while you’re trying to decide if you agree with me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not smell fishy…

DARK SIDE OF THE WOMB (available now)
“Ed is a dwarf who falls in love with a large woman named Linda. When Linda is murdered by her ex-boyfriend-turned-killer-clown, Ed mutilates her corpse with a kitchen knife and climbs into her womb to be ‘born again’.”

This one sounds seriously messed up. Whoever came up with this idea for a horror movie needs therapy. Whoever watches it needs therapy. My appointment is at 6:30PM if anyone wants to join me.

GHOULS (aka, Vurdalaki/December 2, 2017)
“A Dracula-esque baron seeks to conquer his long-lost half-vampire daughter, while a very modern-looking 18th Century official tries to save her.”

Dracula-esque. Best descriptive term I’ve heard since “imitation crab.” So this sorta Dracula has a half-vampire daughter. Two questions: Which half does she need to put sunblock on? Secondly, is her cocktail of choice a Bloody Mary or an Amstel Light? I’ll have to consult a very modern-looking 18th Century official. I think he works the garden tool aisle at Wal-Mart. P.S. Found this on Amazon Prime™ as Vamps.

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR (May 4, 2018)
“Four years after the events of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, the Avengers, torn apart after the events of Captain America: Civil War, join forces with the Guardians of the Galaxy to battle Thanos, who is trying to amass the Infinity Stones for a gauntlet that will allow him to inflict his will on all reality.”

I count 17 superheroes on what is the first of likely dozens of movie key art posters. Disappointingly, I’m not on there. You know me as an ill-mannered blog reporter by day. But at night, I’m Yell Man. My neighbors are well aware what my super power is. And by the way, I know where the Infinity Stones are — they’re in the Cosmic Entity aisle at Wal-Mart. (They need Triple AAA batteries, which are conveniently located next to the check-out counter. Well played, Wal-Mart.)

ABRUPTIO (May 31, 2018)
“Les Hackel is a guy down on his luck who wakes to find an explosive device has been implanted in his neck. He must carry out heinous crimes in order to stay alive while trying to identify the mastermind manipulating the now twisted and strange world around him.”

The explosive device implanted in my neck is my head – ha! As the for the twisted and strange world, he’s clearly in Wal-Mart.

Restored Zombies, Giant Animals, Predictable Slashers

If you’re not doing anything on February 13, 2018, you can buy Criterion’s 4k digital restoration of Night of the Living Dead. Yeah, we’ve all seen the movie a billion times. But this one comes with new snazzy features, like the never-before-seen 16mm dailies reel, new programs about the editing, the score, and directing ghouls and an essay by film critic Stuart Klawans. There’s lots more, but this is already starting to feel like a to-do list.

While we impatiently wait to see YET ANOTHER repackage of the same movie we’ve seen a billion times, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies you that you may or may not watch a billion times…

AMERICAN BIGFOOT (aka, Kampout/available now)
“Enraged by the murder of it’s offspring, a Bigfoot rampages through the countryside of Southeast Ohio. Detective Benson, Ranger Thomas and Bigfoot researcher Hank scramble to locate the legendary creature before it attacks a group of teenagers on a camping trip in an isolated place called Kampout.”

Of course Bigfoot’s an American. So much so, I’m surprised his fur isn’t red, brown and blue. And whoever killed the Bigkid, deserves to taste the business end of an American boot.

THE STRANGERS: PREY AT NIGHT (March, 2018)
“A family’s road trip takes a dangerous turn when they arrive at a secluded mobile home park to stay with some relatives and find it mysteriously deserted. Under the cover of darkness, three masked psychopaths pay them a visit to test the family’s every limit as they struggle to survive.”

Second verse, same as the first. Surprised as to why it’s taken 10 years to barf up a sequel. Not surprised that all they did was move the location and slap a limp biscuit of a title on it.

RAMPAGE (April 20, 2018)
“The first privately owned space station is destroyed by a mysterious experiment done on board. Three canisters from the crash land on Earth. One lands in the gorilla enclosure at the San Diego Zoo, the other in the plains of Wyoming and the last one in the Florida Everglades. The Griffin Technologies Group, headed by two siblings, tries to destroy any evidence of wrongdoing before the government finds out. It’s too late because the canisters have infected a gorilla named George, a wolf in Wyoming and an alligator. They start evolving and growing exponentially. To cover their tracks, the Griffin idiots decide to unleash a beacon that will make all three large animals head toward one destination: their head office located in the Willis Tower in Chicago.”

A giant gorilla, wolf and alligator. King Kong and Crocosaurus should sue for face infringement. As for the giant forest dog, good luck finding a proportional fire hydrant.

FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD (November 16, 2018)
“Grindelwald had escaped from the Wizard Cops and is preparing to build up his evil army. Young Dumbledore will enlist his favorite student, Newt, to help fight said army. Tragic and powerful Credence has possibly been turned to the dark side, though he seemed pretty annoyed when Grindelwald betrayed him.”

Another money-printing Harry Potter prequel. Too bad the press release just spoiled it by telling us Grindelwald got away from the Wizard Cops. I wanted to be the one to do it.

Alien-Fearing Hicks, Upside Down Monsters, Sci-Fi Puppets

Recently cleaned out the fridge and am sad to report that all my “science experiments” were epic fails. (I thought egg salad, if left in a controlled climate environment for seven months, would turn to some sort of miracle lip balm and/or car polish, thereby making me wealthy rich.)

Crossing fingers that those potatoes I stored last year in the back of a lower cupboard that hurts my back to reach will have better results, as I really, really need to be wealthy rich.

Speaking of things that could go south, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi and fantasy movies that make or may not stink up most of your apartment building, prompting neighbors to call the police, thinking somebody died…

BRAVE NEW JERSEY (August 4, 2017)
“In 1938, the residents of a small town in New Jersey react in various forms of panic after listening to Orson Welles’ radio broadcast rendition of H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds.”

This one always cracks me up. People back then listening to the radio play of War of the Worlds thinkin’ it was a real alien invasion and crapping their suspendered farm pants sideways. Always loved Orson Wells’ TV interview later where he looked visibly shaken and dumbfounded that people took his radio show literally. When the cameras turned off, Wells probably went into the men’s room, sparked a fatty and laughed his ass off. As well he should have.

STRANGER THINGS 2 (Oct. 27, 2017)
“It’s 1984 and the citizens of Hawkins, Indiana are still reeling from the horrors of the Demogorgon and the secrets of Hawkins Lab. Will Byers has been rescued from the Upside Down but a bigger, sinister entity still threatens those who survived.”

The first season of Stranger Things (2016) was a surprise mind-blower and became the left-field mega hit of the year. This means Stranger Things 2 — if they don’t screw it up — could be even bigger and should fulfill your daily recommended allowance of Demogorgons.

GHASTLIES (November 11, 2017)
“Three sorority sisters plan an initiation for their nerdy friend during a weekend getaway. Things don’t go exactly as planned when they accidentally stumble upon a craft containing a trio of extraterrestrial ghastly ghouls. Armed with only their boyfriends and brains, they resolve to send these pint-sized gatecrashers back to the edge of the universe — or die trying.”

I like the “or die trying” part, though by telling us the sorority sisters are armed only with their boyfriends and brains, clearly they’re missing the bigger picture here. They have everything they need stuffed under their shirts to take down the aliens. Just ask their boyfriends.

PSYCHOPATHS (2017/2018)
“Several psychopaths wreak havoc over the course of a violent evening.”

This one gets the most economic press release award of the year. Eleven words that sum up not only the movie, but last call at the Tug Inn or “tavern” (1.5 miles from where I’m currently busking for bit coins). Normally, I’d give that reference prop to The Poggie Tavern, but since they cleaned it up, it’s no longer a toxic, biological disaster dive bar. Still smells like cigarette smoke, though — from 10 years ago.

Japanese Ghouls, Alien Chicks, Fist Puppets

A shout out congratulations to the horror channel American Horrors, who have been streaming brutal, classic/obscure and uncut slasher/serial killer movies for the last five years. Which brings up a random thought: How can slasher movies be “uncut”? Heh.

Here’s some upcoming horror and sci-fi that may or may not be pre-sliced…

TOKYO GHOUL (July 29, 2017/Japan)
“Ghouls live among us, the same as normal people in every way – except their craving for human flesh. Shy Ken Kaneki is thrilled to go on a date with the beautiful Rize. But it turns out that she’s only interested in his body – eating it, that is. When a morally questionable rescue transforms him into the first half-human half-ghoul hybrid, Ken is drawn into the dark and violent world of Ghouls, which exists alongside our own.”

Sounds like Ken is ghoul-whipped. Also sounds like a zombie movie, which is what we in America call ghouls. In France they call ‘em “le Ghouls.” It’s like the French have a different word for everything.

HOW TO TALK TO GIRLS AT PARTIES (2017)
“Enn is a shy teenage punk rocker in 1970s suburban London along with his two closest friends, Vic and John. One night they all sneak into a party where they meet a group of intensely attractive, otherworldly girls; at first they think they’re from a cult, but eventually come to realize the girls are literally from another world — outer space.”

Aliens or not, they’re still girls, right? Not seeing the problem here. And don’t alien chicks have tentacles and suckers? That means that can hug and kiss your entire body at the same time. If that isn’t a bonus, tell me what is?

THE DARK CRYSTAL: AGE OF RESISTANCE (2017/Netflix)
“The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance returns to the world of Thra with an all new adventure. When three Gelfling discover the horrifying secret behind the Skeksis’ power, they set out on an epic journey to ignite the fires of rebellion and save their world.”

A prequel to the 1982 marionette fantasy, The Dark Crystal, created by the master of Muppets, Jim Henson. 35 years is a long time to wait for a sequel to a puppet movie. The late great James Coburn, who co-starred in 1984’s The Muppets Take Manhattan, had this to say about his role (paraphrased): “I ended up playing second fiddle to a piece of green felt with a fist up its ass.” Quite possible the best summation ever on puppets.

REDWOOD (2017)
“Musician Josh and his girlfriend Beth head out to a secluded national park in search of some clarity and relaxation. But the couple get more than they bargained for when they ignore the advice of park rangers and venture off the trail, coming face to face with the Redwood’s legendary wildlife.”

Not to be mixed and matched 2014’s The Redwood Massacre. Redwood implies the “legendary wildlife” is Bigfoot or werewolf raccoon impersonating Bigfoot. Only one of those better be right.

A Moon For Every Meal

American Melissa finally talked Yul, her Chinese boyfriend, into marrying her. So hey, screw Hawaii and their stupid dolphins — let’s honeymoon in China during the Hungry Ghost Festival! Their timing couldn’t be better. Not only is it the Hungry Ghost Festival, but one that lands on the seventh lunar month. And there’s a full moon, which, as everyone knows, adds a little something extra to the party dip.

A tour guide takes Mel and Yul one million miles out into the rural countryside to visit Yul’s relatives. It’s late, it’s dark and they’re lost. Or so the guide says. He gets out of the car to “find help” and doesn’t come back! So much for his tip. After an hour the couple get out and go looking for him. What they find is a small village with all the doors and windows locked, chained and boarded up. (Why all the drama? All they had to do was hang “Do Not Disturb” signs on the door knobs.)

Then they happen across an offering party arrangement: candles, banners, festive lighting, chickens, dogs, supermarket-ready pigs — all dead or half eaten. Turns out the Hungry Ghost Festival is aptly named. When you’re free from Hell to roam the Earth during the seventh lunar moon, you’re gonna be pretty darn peck-ish.

Out of nowhere, white hairless/clothes-less ghouls with dark bloody mouths descend upon the hapless couple. Mel and Yul escape, only to end up at a spooky house covered in seasonal candles with chanting going on. The place is filled with people just standing there, not saying or doing anything. Yep, these people sure know how to party.

After drinking drugged tea, the couple are tied up in a bamboo cage outside where the ghouls show up for dinner where Yul is the main course. Melissa, though, is unharmed (she’s American and therefore not on the menu) and makes her way back to the house, only to find the guide that brought them here. He explains that every time the dead show up during the festival, they always take one of the living with them whether they want to go our not. That sucks.

The dead have taken Yul into a water-filled cave for his “final journey,” the ultimate last call. She goes to the cave, using only her cell phone as light, and encounters the ghouls, all standing silently, looking in one direction, which for once, isn’t at anything resembling food. She finds Yul chained up and he’s hairless, pasty-white with dark circles around his eyes and mouth. And yet she still wants to kiss him. Yuck is one of three things that just ran through my mind.

Seventh Moon (2008) has requisite tension and cool ghouls, but the camera work is so shaky as to give you the festival spins. And almost everything is shot in pitch black darkness, so it’s hard to see much of the action. Most of the movie is a chase scene, but it does have its party moments. Just don’t blame me if the dead don’t eat you — maybe they only have a taste for Chinese.

Human Dog Food

A dog is a man’s best friend – until dog eats man. After that, any relationship arrangement is clearly off the table. And that goes for all domesticated animals. (I’m looking in your direction, you serial killing and probably poisonous parakeets.)

So turning the tables and having dogs go after the all-you-can-eat chew toy that is your couch warmer makes for good movie watching, right? Not always. I’ll get back to that. For now, just heel and be introduced to the latest dog-unfriends-humans horror movie, The Pack, hot on the scent of the just released Night of the Wild (2015), YET ANOTHER doggone poochy predator movie.

The Pack (releasing Spring, 2016): “A farmer and his family must fight for their lives after a ferocious pack of feral wild dogs lays siege to their isolated farm. Through a series of frightening and bloody encounters, they are forced into survival mode to defend themselves from the ravenous beasts and make it through the night.”

Like daylight will make the dogs any less bite-y. Be my guest and try to pet your way out.

In case it slipped your leash, there was a prior dogs-gone-wild horror movie with the same name. The Pack (aka, The Long Dark Night) was released in 1977, and the plot was as juicy as a mailman’s leg: “The residents of vacation spot Seal Island find themselves terrorized by a pack of dogs — the remnants of discarded pets by visiting vacationers.” The ’ol “flush the alligator down the toilet” trick when they become too much of a bother.

But even before that was a similar gone-to-the-dogs horror movie called simply, Dogs. Released in 1976, a pack of dogs go on a killing spree. Seems plausible enough. In Dogs a “biology professor tries to figure out why domestic dogs are suddenly hungry for human beings.”

Maybe the dogs got tired of eating the same old boring, non-screaming/non-bleeding bagged food out of the same dish day in and day out. Cats always get the good canned stuff –  dogs usually have to eat artificially-flavored cardboard.

Don’t mistake The Pack for the other The Pack, released in 2010. Same title, but that one features mutant monster ghouls who, like feral dogs, have a taste for human flesh. I heard one of ’em say people taste like artificially-flavored cardboard. Hard to find canned human, though the fresh stuff is always better.

Mutant Ghoul Zombies

Mutant (aka, Night Shadow /1984) is another one ’o those ’80s schlocky cult favs, given cheesy charm by David Hasselhoff look-alike, Wings Hauser. Also starring are chemically-altered ghouls with light blue skin, heavy Goth eye makeup, and banana-colored pudding blood. Bananas are good for you.

Two city brothers out hitchhiking like it was legal, end up in a small, southern redneck town where their kind ain’t welcome. Run off the road by a truckload of articulate inbreds, the brothers later find themselves in bar brawl knife fight – with the same guys. They also find a body with open sores on his/her face. (Hard to tell if it was a dude or a chick with all that goo leaking out.)

Staying the night in a bed & breakfast, the younger brother is grabbed by something with smoking hands, and subsequently extinguished. In his quest to locate his brother, the older one goes around town, finds himself a girlfriend, and gets into more fights with the rednecks, or “Texas Welcoming Committee.”

While this is going on, the locals are being converted into pasty-face ghouls with a taste for living lasagna. (One zombie dude runs around while still wearing his glasses. As in life, as in death.) Wings (the older brother), has zombie resistant hair. (I wonder what kind of product he uses?) And his girlfriend looks like Jessica Simpson, but with six or seven additional teeth.

The mutated ghouls are somewhat entertaining, turning blue with skin bubbling like hot soup under rotting skin. For some reason not related to lack of toothbrush use, their teeth become black and they claw at the air like a cat pawing an invisible scratch post. Guns will take ’em down, as will flame, so like, boom and burn time. The light hurts their zombie’d eyes, though. (Since they’re undead, they probably forgot about using sunglasses.)

The ghouls corner the survivors over and over again – in a school bathroom, a doctor’s office, a gas station… Persistence beats resistance. Help arrives, but are they in time? Will the ghouls mess up Wings’ hair? Will his younger beefcake brother ever button his shirt? Will the rednecks get a lesson in city etiquette? I don’t care – I just wanted to watch mutant ghoul zombies eat people. And to comb my mop top to look just like Wings’ ’80s crown.

 

Tales of Halloween

A suburban American town is terrorized by ghouls, aliens, and killers on one Halloween night.

There is nothing about that sentence I didn’t like.

It describes the upcoming horror anthology, Tales of Halloween, due out October 16, 2015. And if the trailer is any indication, we’re looking at a creature feature of biblical proportions. The irony being that the bible is full of ghouls, aliens, and killers.

What makes Tales of Halloween unique is that there are, like, a hundred famous horror/sci-fi genre people either acting or directing one of the 10 tales of ghouls, aliens, and killers. I’d drop some names, but hey, lazy.