Hell Liquor, Animated Titan, Evil Gas

Naga Chilli Vodka™, sporting a demon skull on the label, claims to be the hottest vodka on the planet by its distillers, The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ They claim its rated at 500,000 Scovilles, the scale used to measure the “heat” of chili peppers, first created by American pharmacist Wilbur Scoville in 1912. (People back then sprinkled gunpowder on their grits, which had a nice kick.) 

To give you a sense of what kind of heat we’re talking about, 500,000 Scovilles puts the vodka in the hell-seeking range of the Red Savina Habanero on a scale that ranges from 350,000 to 750,000. By comparison, the soul-incinerating Ghost Pepper comes in at around 1,000,000 Scovilles. However, GP lost the cremation crown to the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion — which sits warmly at the 1,200,000 mark — and the dreaded Carolina Reaper kicking them all in the ash with a scorched earth 1,500,000+ Scovilles. Any of the these pepper names could easily be a horror movie/horror monster. 

If you can’t stand the heat, here’s a hilarious review of the Naga Chili Vodka™ From Master of Malt™, a booze reviews website: “The Hot Enough Vodka Co.™ have created another monster, summoned from the very bowels of Hell, formed in a vile carboy filled with a horrid mound of Naga Jolokia chillies, steeped in grain vodka. It’s packaged in a handsome, heavy glass bottle with industrial-grade sealing wire and lead security seal (with a skull and crossbones embossed on it). To get to this bottle, you’ll literally have to open it with wire cutters, but we strongly recommend that you don’t. In fact, this unspeakable 500,000 Scovilles vodka is a chilli vodka so horrendous we suggest you don’t even purchase it. Please just shut down your computer and have a nice cup of tea instead. Try to forget what you saw.”

All of that actually makes me wanna try it. So while we all take bar bets on doing shots of this stuff, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/animated series that may or may not be peppery enough for you…

SKULL ISLAND / June 22, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Skull Island takes viewers on a thrilling adventure as a group of kind-hearted explorers rescues Annie from the ocean, unaware that their act of heroism will lead them to the treacherous Skull Island. This enigmatic place is home to bizarre creatures and terrifying monsters, including the mighty titan himself, Kong.”

Been anticipating this one, even though it’s an animated series. Wonder if cartoon gorillas throw their leavings around like the ones at the zoo do. Or would that be…zoo doo? I think I made that joke before. Crap.

NATTY KNOCKS / July 21, 2023 (VOD)

“On Halloween Eve, a small-town babysitter and the kids she is looking after struggle to survive a serial killer named Abner Honeywell.”

I liked this better when it was released in 1978.

ALL HALLOWS’ EVE: TRICKSTER / October 2023 (VOD)

“When a lost traveler comes across an isolated rural gas station on Halloween night, she thinks she’s found her way home. Unbeknown to her, the eerie gas station is the residence of a family of degenerate, devilish creatures. As the night descends into a hellish nightmare, the young woman becomes the center of an occult ritual featuring the Devil himself.”

Eerie rural gas stations are the only places you can get unleaded evil.

AMITYVILLE BACKPACK / Pending crowdfunding 2023 (VOD)

“A rather hapless dude buys a backpack at a garage sale. When people around him turn up dead, he comes to believe his new accessory may be to blame. Tracking its history, he discovers it has connections back to a haunted house in a small town called Amityville.”

A killer backpack. I got a backpack for Christmas one year as a hint to get me away from the TV and get some fresh air and exercise. Alas, it remains in a hall closet, with me preferring to be possessed by the couch.

Phantom Food, Possessed Puppets, Corn-y Kids

Always look forward to fast food giant Burger King’s™ annual Halloween themed and ridiculously healthy cuisine. This year they outdid themselves — the sphincter-clenching Ghost Pepper Whopper™, which cranks up the blast furnace that is your mouth. So yeah, I’m in.

From BK’s press release: “The Ghost Pepper Whopper™, true to its name, features a burger with white cheddar-flavored orange-colored buns topped with Ghost Pepper cheese. It’s also packed with bacon, fried jalapeños, and a queso sauce.” They could just sell me the orange-colored buns and call it day. But wait, there’s more: “Along with the launch of the new Whopper™, Burger King’s™ app has also launched a “Ghost Detector”, which will help you find ghosts in your home…and unlock a special deal.” An app that finds ghosts in my house? Why am I just finding out about this now?

And now the bad news, which doesn’t include the mandatory bathroom time after eating said Ghost Whooper™— it’s only available in select restaurants in 10 cities: Detroit, Memphis, Philadelphia, Phoenix, San Antonio, San Diego, San Francisco, Savannah, Summerville, and New Orleans. (There’s a new Orleans? What happened to the old one?)

While we juice up the jalopy and head to whatever city is closest (807 miles from Seattle to San Francisco), here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not put your indoor/outdoor plumbing to the test…

DEATH CAMP / Out now (VOD/DVD)

“A group of teenagers go to an abandoned cabin for a summer weekend where kids from a high school class were killed 20 years earlier.”

Clichéd [ klee-sheyd, kli- ]: Adjective — Representing or expressing a cliché or stereotype; trite; hackneyed; commonplace.

DOKTOR DEATH / October 28, 2022 (Full Moon Features™ channel)

“A beautiful young med student is trapped in an erotic nightmare and must face-off against the demon that inhabits the evil puppet.”

They had me at “erotic nightmare.” They lost me at “evil puppet.”

PRESENCE / November 17, 2022 (VOD)

“Leaving New York after a mental breakdown, Jennifer is contacted by her best friend about good news concerning their joint business venture. Within the hour, Jennifer is boarding a private plane and walking down the dock to a billionaire’s private yacht. All seems well, except that Jennifer is plagued by violent, unsettling visions. Is her unchecked anxiety attempting to self-sabotage her once again…or has a sinister presence latched onto her?”

If you’re flying on a private plane and floating around on a private yacht, unchecked anxiety and/or a sinister presence should be the least of your baggage. Store it in the overhead compartment and sit down. 

CHILDREN OF THE CORN / Fall 2022 (VOD)

“Eden, an orphan possessed by the spirit of the town’s dying cornfield decides to take revenge against the town’s adults, who are destroying the corn (and the children’s future) with their irresponsible decisions. Bo, equally upset at the adults’ selfish behavior, decides to make a stand against Eden’s radical plan to massacre every adult living in the town. After much mayhem, their epic final showdown leads to Bo and Eden facing off one last time, with the fate of everyone and everything in their hands.”

Some corn to shuck here — this remake allegedly came out in October of 2020 in…Sarasota, FL, which causes quizzical expressions on my non-Floridian face. Secondly, it’s allegedly being released to VOD platforms any day/week now. Thirdly, the original Children of the Corn came out in 1984 and grew 10 more sequels, each less tasty than the one that came before it. Fourthly, I never watched said sequels as I felt it was my mom’s subversive way of getting me to eat vegetables. For all the good that did, they may as well have titled it Children of the Cauliflower.