Archive for Gene Simmons

Snaring Zombies, Memory Bots, NSFW Horror

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Living Drum

If you’re a musician, you probably know about Reverb.com, a marketplace for people to buy, share and trade a myriad of music instruments, gear, accessories and broken rock dreams. It was here I found a custom George Romero/Night of the Living Dead-inspired snare drum, a novel way to pound on zombies.

Living Drum

This 6 lug, 14-inch “drum of the living dead” will set you back $149.99 plus $32.00 to ship it from Manchester, NH. Not sure if you play it with drum sticks or a machete or a machete shaped like a drum stick.

Living Drum

Before you go all marching drum on the undead, here are a few available now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not keep a beat…

Derelict

DERELICT (available now)
“Three friends find themselves fighting for their lives when their urban exploration goes horribly wrong.”

These guys go into an abandoned building covered in graffiti that looks like it was done by an artistic seagull with diarrhea. Then, for no reason whatsoever, they encounter a gas mask wearing killer with a hay baling hook and leather pants. Now we know what happened to all those law-breaking graffiti artists. Damn punks.

Havana Darkness

HAVANA DARKNESS (available now)
“Traveling to Havana, Cuba, to investigate the origins of a mysterious manuscript supposedly written by acclaimed American novelist, Ernest Hemingway, three friends are thrust into a terrifying game of cat and mouse when they find themselves trapped inside an abandoned building nestled in the center of the country’s vibrant capital. With time running out fast the threesome must maneuverer through a maze of deadly traps to find a way out of the building before they’re hunted down.”

Other countries have abandoned buildings and serial killers, too? Who knew?

Violentia

VIOLENTIA (available now)
“A nano-tech engineer finds a way to recreate memories using nanobots. But when his daughter is killed in a school shootout, he enlists in a secret government program to find a cure for violence using a psychopath’s memories as testing ground. This leads him down a dark path where the lines between reality and memories begin to blur.”

If that guy stuck nanobots in my head to extract memories, they better be outfitted with hip-waders.

Terror 5

TERROR 5 (April 5, 2019)
“While most of the residents of a small Argentinian town attend a funeral procession following a tragic building collapse, the few who do not will face terrors of their own in this mash-up of urban legends. Bondage, torture, zombies, governmental corruption.”

The trailer shows a scene of a guy wearing Gene Simmons/KISS makeup while riding wildly on a motorcycle. It also shows some sex and bare naked nudity. Not sure which I like better.

Heavy Metal Waffles, Homicidal Wrestlers, Shark Parade

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 8, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

KISS: The Demon Waffle Maker

I’ve seen a lot of KISS™ merchandise over the years, but a Gene Simmons waffle iron is probably the coolest. (It also beats my KISShome pregnancy test kit all to hell.) Designed to make “Demon Waffles” (Gene’s character), it forms otherwise pointless waffle batter into a likeness of the bass player’s famous make-up design. (Wonder why McDonald’s™ never thought of that for the Hamburgler?)

KISS: The Demon Waffle Maker

KISS The Demon Waffle Maker™ can be obtained for $39.99 plus your soul and can even be used as a sandwich press, though Gene Simmons as a gooey peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t sound that rock. It measures 8.5” x 5” x 10” and is made of stainless steel, or “metal.” Heh.

While your demon-faced waffle finishes burning, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to stick your own face into…

Monochrome

MONOCHROME (June 6, 2018)
“A disillusioned young woman becomes a serial killer targeting wealthy land-owners, forcing a brilliant detective to use his unusual neurological condition to track her down.”

Pffft! — I have the same unusual neurological condition. It’s called a hangover.

Wrestlemassacre

WERESTLEMASSACRE (July, 2018)
“Randy is an awkward groundskeeper who is obsessed with professional wrestling. Longing for a sense of belonging with grandiose dreams of becoming a wrestling superstar, Randy is only met with abject humiliation and alienation. A brutal shaming at a local wrestling school pushes Randy over the edge and lights the spark for his blood lust. Donned in wrestling gear and armed with homicidal rage, Randy sets out on a blood soaked rampage to punish those who wronged him. The only hope of putting an end to his reign of carnage lies with Becky, an understanding client who is one of the only few to ever show him kindness.”

As a fan of pro wrestling — the only TRUE sport — I look forward to this one. If you’re of like mind, check out Wrestlemaniac (2006), Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies (2013), Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro (1962) and my guilty fav, Monster Brawl (2011). I usually apply choke slams on beers while watching it.

Great White

GREAT WHITE (2018)
“A blissful tourist trip quickly turns into a nightmare when five passengers on a seaplane become stranded miles from shore. In a desperate bid for survival the group try to make it to land before they either run out of supplies or are taken by the man-eating sharks lurking just beneath the surface.”

Not to be confused with the other Great White movie, an Italian-made Jaws rip-off, back in 1981. But along with this one and Discovery Channel’s™ deliciously popular Shark Week (30th anniversary) launching on July 22, 2018, this looks to be the year of the shark, all topped off by The Meg (2018) chomping its way through people floating on inner tubes as if wet donuts.

Hellboy: Rise of the Blood Queen

HELLBOY (January 11, 2019)
“The new story sees the hero squaring off against a medieval sorceress who seeks to destroy humankind.”

One of no doubt many new sales art representations of the Hellboy: Rise of the Blood Queen movie. I first tagged this one on June 27, 2017. That key art was illustrated so as to keep kinetic with the graphic novels. But I like this one better as Hellboy himself looks pretty Hell-y.

Evil Revenge, Basement Rats, Olympic-Grade Sharks

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Inside

July 23, 2017 marks the beginning of Discovery™ channel’s mecha-popular Shark Week, with probably one of the worst promotional ideas since Sharknado (2013). On Sunday, July 23, 2017 they’re having Olympic gold medalist swimmer Michael Phelps (the most decorated Olympian of all time, with a total of 28 medals) racing a great white shark, the kicker line being “the battle for ocean supremacy.” And you thought the bottom of the sea was low.

This concept of matching up sharks with celebrities was first tried on the waning sitcom Happy Days back in September of 1977, during which The Fonz — wearing a bathing suit and leather jacket, ski jumped over a shark in a pen just mere biting distance from those delicious skis with human filling.

While we wait for that over-hyped moment, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll sink or swim…

INSIDE (2017)
“Alone and carrying her baby, Sarah faces a calculating, cold-hearted and predatory woman — an adversary who will stop at nothing to snatch her unborn child. Trapped and disorientated, barely able to hear the evil that stalks her, Sarah must unleash all her reserves of strength to protect her baby and survive the night. Never underestimate a mother’s protective fury.”

Can you say The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992)? Can you say Rosemary’s Baby (1968)? Can you say, “Been there, done that?”

Exhume

EXHUME (2017/2018)
“Over 50 unmarked graves were discovered at an institution dedicated to the rehabilitation of troubled boys. Patrick Connor and his wife Karen were the archaeologists that uncovered the evil buried under the earth so many years ago.”

Unmarked graves are a problem. What if you showed up to pee on your enemy’s grave and your vengeful bladder defiled the final resting place of some nice old lady who made cookies for Third World countries? And you wonder why the dead hate us so much.

The Terror of Hallows Eve

THE TERROR OF HALLOW’S EVE ( 2017/2018)
After a fifteen-year-old is brutally beaten up by high school bullies, his wish for revenge unknowingly unleashes the terror of Halloween.

Um, this one’s been done already. It was called Trick or Treat, released in 1986 and typecast Ozzy Osbourne as a preacher and KISS’ Gene Simmons as a radio deejay, presumably to hear himself talk all the time. But hey, without revenge, horror movies might start looking like all the same thing. Ahem.

Devil's Gate

DEVIL’S GATE (2017/2018/VOD/Limited)
“Struggling to overcome a recent professional tragedy, a tough-as-nails FBI agent relocates to a small North Dakota town to investigate the disappearance of a local woman and her young son. The search leads to the missing woman’s husband’s secluded farm, on which answers, new mysteries, and God-fearing terrors await…not to mention something locked and caged down in the basement.”

God-fearing terrors and something locked and caged in the basement. Probably a rat. Or spoiled jam preserves, that when consumed, turn you into a rat. Or… never mind.

Baron Von Brain Eater

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Brainiac

Baron Vitelius of Astara is about to have a bad day, though you wouldn’t know it by the smug look on his face as he’s being tried by a Spanish Inquisition for witchcraft, necromancy and assorted wrongness in 1661. If convicted – and it’s pretty much a slam dunk by the black hooded tribunal who only speak in sub-titles – Baron Von Smirky Smirk is gonna be the featured attraction at a good old fashioned witch burning.

The Brainiac

Before he can do his impression of a S’more, a 300 year cycle comet suddenly appears overhead, and the BBQ Baron swears to the sparky meteor that he will return in 300 years (as when the comet does its round trip) to exact revenge on all his accusers’ descendants. (He’s lucky no one is gay so he can return from the dead and make kill happen to all of the above.) Thus is the gripping beginning of 1962’s Spanish horror camp classic, The Brainiac (aka, Baron of Terror).

The Brainiac

Sure as the morning wood rises, 300 years to the day the comet crashes the party and Baron Vitelius is hitching a ride. A fragment breaks off and gently lands on the ground and turns into the Baron, who in turn transforms into a human-sized demon fly-headed creature with a pointy tongue that would make Gene Simmons turn clown white with envy. Time for some tongue-lashing retribution.

The Brainiac

Posing as a foreign dignitary, in human form he lures the descendants into flame-y deaths, which are preceded by Baron Von Fly Face sticking his 18-inch tongue out and sucking out the brains of his victims through the back of their necks. Then he sets fire to the surroundings, charring the evidence.

Brainiac

As the Baron he’s smooth, smokes cigarettes like they were medicine, eats those aforementioned unrefrigerated raw brains from an ornate bowl with a dessert spoon, and makes out with chicks – all with sparse dialogue. (Actions speak louder than words when it comes to smooth smooching.) He can also make his face brighten and darken, like an open/close sign on a tavern, which wide-eye hypnotizes his kills into standing still while he changes into the monster and sucks them dry.

The BrainiacBetter still is when the Baron, in creature form, breathes – his head expands and contracts like a paint-huffing paper bag. And his fingers turn into two claw-esque tubes that he softly clacks together as if pinching a marshmallow to death.

The BrainiacTwo detective are onto the clues and corner Baron Von Suck Suck. His fate, like shampooing and rinsing, repeats itself with the cops showing up with scuba tank sized flame throwers. The Brainiac is loaded with hilariously interpreted dialogue (“You are guilty of clumsy and illegal practices…”) and tension-less drama. But it’s the monster with the expanding and contracting head and that rock star quality tongue that makes this one a classic keeper.

Halloween – Just In Time For Christmas

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Trick or Treat

Decidedly evil (though recently deceased) rock star Sammi Curr speaks to a dysfunctional headbanger teen by means of your ordinary, run-of-the-mill back-masked heavy metal record. (Note to those who don’t know what a record album is: It’s like a plastic MP3 but with credits.)

Trick or Treat

Being dead, however, doesn’t keep hammy Sammi from playing a Halloween concert at the high school he graduated from for some Carrie-esque styled revenge in 1986’s blackened Trick or Treat.

Trick or Treat

Sammi looks like Poison’s CC Deville, who looks like Phyllis Diller, but with more crack, alcohol and eyeliner. KISSGene Simmons makes a cameo as does Ozzy Osbourne playing a preacher, denouncing heavy metal. (Note to organized religion: You’ve been punked.)

Trick or Treat