Gutter Clowns, Blood Witches, California Demons

The clown is back in town and ready to get down. Cinedigm™ and its Bloody Disgusting™-powered horror platform Screambox™ just announced the release of the acclaimed horror documentary Pennywise: The Story of IT, an in-depth look at the 1990 miniseries based on Stephen King’s iconic novel. It shows up on doorsteps, VOD and street drain holes November 22, 2022 as a collector’s edition Blu-ray. Pre-order HERE.

From the helpful press release: “An in-depth look at the 1990 mini-series based on Stephen King‘s novel, The Pennywise: The Story of IT collector’s edition Blu-ray will include six bonus features, several of them exclusive to this release. The documentary also boasts a wealth of archival material and never-before-seen footage.”

When It came out as a five-hour mini-series in 1990, it was somewhat shocking for the time. But it hasn’t aged as well as, say, me. Pennywise, the super evil clown who terrorizes kids and then again as adults, is pretty cool, though. Pennywise in 2017’s smash success re-boot hit the gas and depicted the hideous harlequin with an extreme makeover that had you making sewage in your britches.

While we go on Amazon Prime™ to order the Blu-ray (might as well pick up some new pants while I’m in the zone), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in a sewer…

THE BASTARD SON & THE DEVIL HIMSELF / October 28, 2022 (Netflix™)

“After being discovered as an illegitimate son of the ‘World’s Most Dangerous Blood Witch’, 16-year-old Nathan Byrn was monitored by The Council of Fairborn Witches for several years. However, as the conflict between Blood Witch and Fairborn Witch escalates, Nathan found an opportunity to escape. As he escaped, he’d soon built alliances with Annalise and Gabriel while discovering previously unknown secrets of himself.”

Wish I was the illegitimate son of the World’s Most Dangerous Blood Witch. It’s likely I already am, though. This is why I started calling myself, Son of the World’s Most Dangerous Blood Witch. That’d look cool on some sort of wearing shirt.

THE SLEEP EXPERIMENT / November 1, 2022 (iTunes™, Amazon™, Google Play™, iNDemand™, DISH™)

“Two detectives begin an investigation on the ethics involved in Porton Down, the top-secret research facility. One experiment in particular stands out to them as the most horrific — The Sleep Experiment, which took place during the Cold War. The experiment consisted of five prisoners deemed Enemies of the State, being locked in a sealed gas chamber. An airborne stimulant was continually administered to keep the subjects awake for 30 consecutive days. The prisoners were falsely promised that they would be set free from the prison if they completed the experiment. Inspired by real events, The Sleep Experiment is a psychological thriller that exposes the horrors of what humanity is capable of when pushed to the brink.”

I tried staying awake for 30 days, but only made it about three hours. Still, pretty rough. My humanity was definitely pushed to the brink.

MALIBU HORROR STORY / Pending release 2022/2023

“A group of amateur paranormal investigators are filming a documentary about four teens missing since 2012, a case that remains unsolved despite recovered camera footage from the day of their disappearance. The investigation leads them to the teen’s last known whereabouts: a cave deep in the Malibu mountains, where they set up camp. Attempting to communicate with the spirits within, the investigators bring forth an ancient demon intent on guarding the land and enacting the same gruesome fate those four teens met 10 years ago.”

No wonder the ancient demon is so intent on guarding the land around his cave hole. This is in Malibu, home of some of the priciest real estate ever invented. Teens do nothing but drive the property value down. And not just in Malibu.

NIGHTMARE RADIO: THE NIGHT STALKER / Pending release 2022/2023

“Candy is a late-night radio DJ with a program where people call to tell her ‘real’ horror stories. One of her listeners begins to call her insistently. Candy quickly discovers that there is a strange connection between them. Soon she will find out how far an obsessed fan is willing to go.”

Yeah, but did she play his song request? Radio DJs don’t think listeners have anything better to do than to keep calling the station. The song he requested? “Psycho Killer.” Heh.

Coffin Movies, Human Supper Club, Death Boat

Not sure what I think about this: “The Goteborg Film Festival in Sweden, beginning on January 27, 2019, will be offering up 33 “sarcophagus screenings” of Aniara, a Swedish-language apocalyptic sci-fi film.” Yeesh, what’s next — sneak previews in a gas chamber?

According to The Hollywood Reporter, eight volunteers at a time will be shut into specially made caskets outfitted with screens, speakers and air vents. Inside the coffin will be a “panic” button for anyone who gets too freaked out. 

I’d break my finger pushing that button. Points for creativity, though. As for Aniara (2018), here’s this about that: “A spaceship carrying settlers to Mars is knocked off course, causing the consumption-obsessed passengers to consider their place in the universe.” I can feel their pain — my life would be nothing if it weren’t for drunk bidding on eBay™.

Before you go hopping into any movie sarcophagus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not have you reaching for the panic button. And remember, it’s not the coffin they take you off in, it’s the coffin that takes you often…

FOLKLORE (February 1, 2019/ HBO NOW, HBO GO, HBO On Demand)
“Folklore is HBO’s newest foray into the horror anthology genre. The series, which contains six hour-long episodes, will take place in six Asian countries including Indonesia, Japan, Korea, Malaysia, Singapore, and Thailand. Each of the six episodes is based on that respective country’s folklore and mythology, which includes various supernatural beings and strange occult practices. Each episode will be helmed by a different director, with each episode filmed in the local language of that particular country.”

This one was already aired on HBO Asia on October 7, 2018. (I didn’t know Asia changed its name.) As cool as the anthology series sounds, doesn’t do me much good if each episode is filmed in its native language. Geez, I can barely speak whatever language I’m currently burping out now.

BENEATH THE LEAVES (February 8, 2019/limited theater/VOD)
“Among countless others, four small-town boys are kidnapped by James Whitley, a deranged, warm-eyed psychopath. His grotesque pursuit to reunite orphaned children with their deceased birth parents is gridlocked when the boys escape and he is arrested. Twenty years later, Whitley flees during a prison fire and decides to see his mission through. Detective Larson, one of Whitley’s prior victims — and now a cop — is removed from the case due to impartiality leaving his partner and lover, Detective Shotwell to solve the case. Fueled by rage and a chance of redemption, Detective Larson chases the steadfast psychopath on his own, only to fall back into the same trap he once escaped as a child.”

Fueled by rage. Kinda my mantra. Hope career criminal James Whitely doesn’t try to kidnap me — I’ve got a full tank.

THE CANNIBAL CLUB (March 1, 2019/limited theater/ March 5, 2019/VOD)
“Otavio and Gilda are a very wealthy couple of the Brazilian elite who have the habit of eating their employees. Otavio owns a private security company and is a notable member of The Cannibal Club. When Gilda accidentally discovers a secret from Borges, a powerful congressman and the club’s leader, her and her husband’s lives are in grave danger.”

Eating your employees — doesn’t sound too tasty, but it does cut down on having to hand out raises and buying groceries.

HARPOON (2019)
“With his perfect family and perfect upbringing, Richard appears to have it all. So when he thinks that his long-term girlfriend, Sasha and best-friend, Jonah, are having an affair, it sends him into a fit of rage that leaves Jonah a bloody mess. Once Jonah and Sasha convince Richard the allegations are false, Richard tries to buy back their trust by taking them out for a day-trip on his family’s yacht. Tension boils over once out to sea, and, to make matters worse, the yacht’s engine fails. Stranded without food and supplies, the trio must set aside their differences in order to survive.”

Can’t remember the title, but there was a Japanese horror movie with the same plot. It didn’t end well for them, either. I think they were all eaten by a giant octopus with nine arms. I could be slightly wrong about that.

Edible Monsters, Rubberized Evil, Reanimated Relatives

Did you watch Ghostbusters (1984) and ever want to take a bite out of Slimer, that hot dog-guzzling poltergeist that looks like a big green, lumpy marshmallow with a mouth? Of course you did. And now you can with Jell-O™ Monster Slime, edible, um, goop (or something that rhymes with it), that pays loose homage to that iconic sticky ghost.

Available for pre-order on Amazon.com (14.8 ounces), this 100% digestible lime gunk will sell for $10 (give or take) and will be available at select stores (probably in the bathroom plumbing department of The Home Depot™) on December 10, 2018. Watch how fast I don’t go there.

In case Monster Slime™ isn’t your taste (heh), they also have Unicorn Slime™, which is pink and strawberry-flavored. There’s a joke in there somewhere. While I try and come up with a non-offensive punchline, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not gum up your internal plumbing…

ELIZABETH HARVEST (December 4, 2018)
“Newlywed Elizabeth arrives with her brilliant scientist husband Henry to his magnificent estate, where he wows her with lavish dinners and a dazzling tour of the property. The house staff Claire and Oliver treat her deferentially but she can’t shake the feeling something is off. Henry explains that everything in his world now belongs to her, all is for her to play in — all except for a locked-off room he forbids her from entering. When he goes away for business, Elizabeth decides to investigate.”

This plot echoed around the gas chamber that is the inside of my head, so I decided to investigate (click madly the mouse): Turns out, Elizabeth Harvest is a science fiction re-imagining of the French folktale of Bluebeard (1697), in which a violent nobleman in the habit of murdering his wives is confronted by a new wife trying to avoid the fate of her predecessors. Sounds like an extreme case of buyer’s remorse.

REPLICAS (January 11, 2019)
“A scientist becomes obsessed with bringing back his family members who died in a traffic accident.”

Keanu Reeves — on a hot roll following the John Wick movies (extremely cool badass) — looks to be playing a modern day Victor Frankenstein here. I wish him well with all his science-y skills to achieve the desired results. Ironically, though, all he really needs is a shovel and some sort of…pet sematary.

CHILD’S PLAY (June 21, 2019)
“A mother gives her son a toy doll for his birthday, unaware of its more sinister nature.”

This plot also sounds suspiciously familiar. Could’a sworn I saw something very similar back in…1988. Something about a doll possessed by evil or a facsimile thereof.

BONEJANGLES 2: BRIDE OF BOJANGLES (2019)
Picking up after the events of Bonejangles, supernatural serial killer, Edgar Friendly Junior, a.k.a. Mr. Bonejangles, is inadvertently resurrected by a mysterious and sinister cult of followers of the succubus witch, Rowena. Mr. Bonejangles wastes no time picking up where he left off and sets his sights on hapless police officer Doug Partridge, the one who got away from him. But Rowena’s followers have plans of their own on Bonejangles…plans that may spell doom for the very world itself.”

Didn’t see the first Bonejangles movie (2017), so I have no idea what the heckaroo they’re talking about. And as for the plans that spell doom for the world, a lot of movies make the same claim. My question: When are any of you gonna make good with that promise? Getting tired of waiting around.

No Innards in Outer Space

Gore From Outer Space (20010) is one of the most misleading titles since Debbie Does Dallas (1978). There is no gore. There is no outer space. There is no excuse.

The sequel to Crazy Lips (2000), Gore (aka, Chi wo sû uchû ) picks up where Lips left off, with the gorgeous Satomi headed for the gas chamber for lighting her daughter on fire. She thought it was a walking/talking doll. She tells the police her daughter’s been kidnapped. Well, crap-o-rama — she doesn’t have a daughter. That doesn’t stop Satomi from frantically looking for her, though.

She finds a house with no bathroom or kitchen, but there are drawings that a little girl made. Then, an older guy looking to be elected into political office, has forcible sex with her and gets her knocked up. This pundit is actually an alien, so that when the baby is extracted, it’ll be a human/alien “mixed blood.” The movie makes about as much sense as this blog.

No scenes of graphic behavior anywhere, nor is there any blood to speak of. When Satomi breaks out of the gas chamber (that was easy), she lets all the other death row inmates out, where they get into a huge kung fu fight with the police. How this factors in to the plot is beyond the limits of my limited comprehension.

The ONLY reason I kept watching is there was a glimmer of hope Satomi would do something gore gnarly. Regrettably, she does not. Normally, I’m suckered by cool DVD covers. This time I was sandbagged by the title. And Satomi singing a love ballad while being led off to be gassed didn’t ease my pain in the slightest.

Religious Fireballs

In Believers (2007), YET ANOTHER cult wants to save your soul and take you to the other side of the galaxy where your unconditional faith will be rewarded with immortality. And to purify your soul, you must first enter the Gas Chamber of Salvation and divest yourself of all your earthly belongings: your KISS™ t-shirt and your life (which for SOME of us is the same thing).

The cult, lead by an older scientist-y looking fart, has convinced two dozen people he cracked the code, the one that proves God’s existence. (And here all this time we were worshiping the Bible instead of a math book. I am SO going to Hell.) It is further explained that everyone left behind will suffer total destruction via fire from the sky. (Whoever is planning on lighting candles and tossing ’em off your roof — not funny.)

Two paramedics are taken hostage by cult members. Locked in the Reflection Room (dirty bathroom stall with no toilet paper), their choices are to become one of the Believers and be saved from the fireballs, or be forced to take a death pill that also doubles as a breath mint.

One chooses poison, probably because it tastes better than gas chamber vapors. Everyone is locked into a room and the gas turned on. The medic pulls himself free from his cult handcuffs and force vomits the pill. Whew! Too late to rescue his buddy, though.

Jump ahead a month and the little girl lives with him and his wife in their sunny home and… Hmmm, the sky seems extra brighter today. Must be all those fireballs.