Archive for future

NASA Cover-ups, Prank Time Travel, Vampire Trackers

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

NASA Cover-ups

Been thinking of new inventions that would make me a multi-thousandaire (just a few tax brackets away from being a multi-millionaire). I came up with The Lid Loosener™ (possibly already invented under the name of “can opener.” Not a very zingy marketing name.), Mouth Broom™ (same as a toothbrush, but with crazy larger bristles), and the Mud-Flinger™, a new kind of pooper scooper, one that employs catapult technologies to rid one’s lawn of animal “pebbles from heaven” souvenirs.

Pooper Scooper

But the one I firmly believe will get me an in-ground swimming pool with all the trimmings (long hose, case of artificial food coloring, water), is my latest get-rich-right-now scheme: NASA Cover-ups™ — blacked out government UFO documents you can use to mask flying saucer-shaped table stains and/or use to put your refreshing adult beverages on to keep from staining the aforementioned Ikea™ table with one leg longer than the others.

Until I’m able to secure a patent number (or “No.”), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not enrich your pool or wallet…

Psychotic!

PSYCHOTIC! (January 26, 2018)
“This suspenseful psychedelic slasher follows a group of hard-partying Brooklyn hipsters as they’re stalked and savagely murdered by a masked maniac known as the Bushwick Party Killer. It’s up to struggling artists Tim and Stuart to figure out who keeps killing the life of the party.”

Hard-partying hipsters? Does that mean they drink three Zimas™ instead of two before passing out at a Rave? Comb their mall styled hair in an opposing direction? Use trendy/trending swear words they found on the Internet? Probably all of the above.

Altered Carbon

ALTERED CARBON (February 2, 2018/Netflix™)
Altered Carbon is an intriguing story of murder, love, sex, and betrayal, set more than 300 years in the future. Society has been transformed by new technology: consciousness can be digitized; human bodies are interchangeable; death is no longer permanent.”

I wish my carbon to be altered as soon as future science is able. I’d transfer my digital leavings into a WWE wrestler husk host and recycle my former skin bag in the toilet/garbage disposal/neighbor’s yard (see “Mud-Flinger™”)

Curvature

CURVATURE (February 23, 2018)
“A scientist must break into a top-secret facility in order to travel back in time and prevent a murder after receiving a mysterious phone call from herself.”

If it was me, I’d probably make a crank phone call to myself. (No doubt I’d fall for it, too.) Still, wish I could travel back in time, though. Two things would happen — I’d never have to wash my pants. That, and I’d be able to re-drink the same refreshing adult beverage over and over without paying for it more than once. Traveling through time is sweet.

The Wanderers

THE WANDERERS: QUEST OF THE DEMON HUNTER (March, 2018/UK)
“Experienced vampire hunter Louis Moudon and his companion, a journalist, arrive in an isolated village in Transylvania to investigate the mystery surrounding a strange event. Along with their guide, young local Sorana, and the reality show team, they will find out that the villagers are experiencing a terrible dread. Louis will soon have to face a totally surprising discovery.”

The title is too long. Tried saying it out loud and my tongue got tired halfway through and just hung out of my mouth like a piece of pre-sliced bologna. If I was an experienced vampire hunter (oh, wait — I am), I’d insist on changing the movie’s title to In The NECK of Time.

Future Sharks and Penguins

Posted in Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Immortal

The future as represented in Immortal (2004) shows our cities in big time disrepair, a few flying cars, doors that open and shut by themselves like they did/do on Star Trek, and a whole bunch of Eugenics running around. Eugenics (altered humans) is just a fancy way of saying, “Made by Tupperware™.” They come in all sizes and shapes, but none of them are topless, except that Egyptian cat-face chick. Nice future genetics, but she needs a shave.

Immortal

Over the city hovers a giant pyramid. Within the pyramid are gods. One of those gods is Horus, one of mankind’s creators. Horus (naked and having the head of a hawk) is being put to death because he’s shown a weakness for human flesh. (Geez, how am I still here?)

ImmortalThe plan is to mate with woman and leave behind a progeny who will someday avenge him. The god has non-consensual sex with some punk rock chick with anger issues. She doesn’t like that. But it takes a few times at bat before he’s guaranteed a rug rat. Hold the space phone — something is after her and the god: a mutated, slimy red hammerhead shark that can swim on walls.

Immortal

Then there are the penguins that walk across the snow and slowly turn into humanoid life-forms, but discover they can’t waddle through the electric fence. Then there’s the blue bath water that permanently stains human flesh. And this is to say nothing about the hovercrafts that look like anti-gravity versions of my car, complete with rust, three-year-old gum in the glove compartment, expired tabs and windshield wipers that defy logic.

ImmortalThe Eugenics are computer-generated (I know, an oxymoron) and Immortal’s plot a little tough to keep up with. But there’s techno-boobs, interplanetary sexings, wall sharks, artificial snow penguins and detergent-resistant staining. Why is the future taking so long to get here?

Supermodel Sci-Fi

Posted in Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aeon Flux

In Æon Flux (2005), the visually stylized sci-fi flub, Bregna is a gated community of the future, not allowing its residents to leave their perfect lives to go outside the walls to get in a little stink finger action in the polluted and desolate outlands. But not all is well with Bregna’s scientist controlled/manicured lawn confines – people are turning up missing. (Wow, that does not make sense.)

Aeon Flux

When the sister of the supermodel assassin Æon Flux is killed in a case of mistaken identity (someone thought she was a Monican, an underground rebel club whose sole purpose it is to wreck everyone’s idyllic lifestyle), her mission takes on a new sense of, how shall I put this, DIE KILL BLEED REVENGE.

Aeon Flux

Even though Bregna is crime-free and filled with sunshine, balloons and all the bubblegum you could ever want, the place is loaded with a wide assortment of deadly booby traps. Æon has near-super human powers and can flip around, jump over stuff and punch the chew out of your gum-filled face. And that’s just when she’s happy.

Aeon Flux

The problem with this tedious science fiction borefest isn’t Æon’s skin tight fighting suit or her incessant posing, it’s the overly-complex plot, filled with more twists than a bag of space pretzels (also free on Bregna). There’s conspiracy, DNA samples, overlord dirigibles, explosions, face-punching and runway modeling. And it drains your believe batteries.

Clearly, I wouldn’t last a day in the future. I could, however, go for some endless gum action.

Mars Gets Marred

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 21, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mission To Mars

In the futuristic year of 2010, a bunch of space guys ’n gals go to Mars to see how cheap the real estate is and end up discovering a mysterious dirt mountain that doesn’t want them to see what’s under all that lunar dust. So it forms itself into an uncircumcised weiner-esque tornado and sucks them up.

Mission To Mars

Time for a rescue crew to earn their NASA food stamps. After an over-long mishap that has the search mission abandoning ship right outside Mars’ stinky atmosphere, the survivors hitch a ride on an orbiting satellite (!), land it, and discover the Mars Face is real, made by a race of aliens that glow in the dark.

Mission To Mars

No brains get eaten, no space-borne infestation worming its way through an unsuspecting cerebral cortex. Just a lot of word barf and meager special effects.

Mission To Mars

Mission To Mars (2000) is remarkable in that it doesn’t make – or have – a point about anything. If only there were just one scene where a female astronaut wore a bikini space suit so we could see…Uranus. Man, that joke never gets old – heh.

Monster Bugs and Monster Monsters

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monster-Zilla

Upcoming camptacular movies like Monster-Zilla and Bugs 3D are like prepackaged snacks: cheap, momentarily satisfying and very cheesy. Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. If you walk around being smart and brain-like all day long, it’s nice to park your particulate matter every once in a while and just live in the moment.

So in the immortal words of Sir Clint Eastwood, “Was I in focus? Then let’s move on”…

In Monster-Zilla, easily the worst if not laziest titled movie of the year, “two Navy SEALS are sent to an abandoned island in search of a “package,” but instead of being the hunters, they find they are being hunted by a creature that’s big and hungry.” I guess the island isn’t quite abandoned after all.

Bugs 3D

Bugs 3D, with no more effort put into its title as well, is a little more promising: “In the near future, due to huge demand for protein, synthetic protein is rapidly developed around the world. A fanatic geneticist has managed to raise super bugs that can provide high-quality protein at low-cost. But the bugs break out, devour scientists, and turn into giant monsters. Numerous monster bugs hankering after flesh and blood swarm into the sea and wait to rage a holocaust.”

They’re not far off on that whole “bugs providing protein” thing; watch Snowpiercer (2013) and tell me you’ll continue eating protein bars. Sure, the package lists the ingredients as grains, fiber and chocolate chips. But according to the future, it’s all ground up dung beetles mixed with flavor.

That should bother me, but it doesn’t. I’ve probably eaten worse.

In Your Face, Matrix

Posted in Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 1, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Casshern

In the future, Europe and Asia are kicking each other’s butt cracks over the course of a 50 year war. The result left half the planet covered with irradiated citizens called the Original Humans (found in the Sector 7 aisle at your future supermarket). Poverty, famine, disease… It’s a happy time for all.

Casshern

Meanwhile, an Eastern Alliance geneticist has been working on perfecting the Neo-Cell, an organism that will cure any disease (like neck herpes) and instantly heal wounds (like a bad chest wound). It will also regrow limbs to be reattached in the event they come unattached. Oops – the missing gene component can only be found in (wait for it) Original Humans, their sworn enemies. Snap!

Casshern

Casshern (2004) is a pant-mutating marvel; Its staggering vision and visuals are a cross between live action, Japanimation and manga. And they must have found extra colors to make this with as the blood is extra bloody, the machines extra machine-y and the mutants extra mutant-y.

Casshern

You’ll get lost in the narrative if you allow yourself to be distracted by the shininess (yep, guilty), but the story is epic and the visuals will make your face fall off. Don’t worry – with Neo-Cells it can easily be re-attached.

Robots Don’t Heart Humans

Posted in Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Android Apocalypse

In the future where dirt burns and pollution makes your nose and eyes runny, you’ll live in a city encased in a big glass bubble to keep the stink air out. The area outside – a parking lot wasteland – is patrolled by Matrix-esque flying machine probes that shoot spiky knives into your pillowy human flesh.

Android Apocalypse

While androids are generally used to do the crap work humans don’t wanna get off the couch to do (“Yo, Terminator – get me another future beer…”), the uppity machines are secretly working on a way to take over the bubble and eliminate the stink humans. They’re doing this by removing human brain juice and syncing it up with android juice to create the perfect android. (If human anything is involved, not much perfect.)

Android Apocalypse

Robots want to kill off the humans so that they can use their parts and become human themselves. I call this the Radio Shack Gone Wild theory.

Android Apocalypse

The plot of Android Apocalypse (2006) samples shamelessly from The Fortress (1992), the blood is green (kind of a luminous avocado), WWE™ superstar Chris Jericho punches faces, and the fight scenes (see “Chris Jericho”) somewhat joyful. The only female android, however, does not take off her mecha-blouse.

Sci-fi has become so watered down these days.