Archive for Funeral Home

A Mountain of Monsters

Posted in Aliens, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Under The Mountain

The first problem with Under The Mountain (2009), a dark fantasy horror flick based on a popular 1979 New Zealand book, and an eight-part TV mini-series, is its bland title. The “tween targeted” movie has tentacled shape-shifters known as Wilberforces, who masquerade as funeral home directors by day, and teenager/planet vanquishing creatures by night. It also has the Gargantua (giant underground bug), slime tunnels, a benevolent alien who can make stuff catch on fire, and volcanoes. So why not call it Theo & The Volcano Lickers or Worm Creatures From Uranus? You wanna sell this thing, yes? Geez.

Under The Mountain

Two Auckland teen twins, a brother and sister, share a telepathic link. I don’t know why, they just do. Rachel and Theo go to live with their uncle and aunt on the scenic and uncomfortably named Lake Pupuke after mom was wormed to death. There’s a decrepit old house on the lake shore inhabited with Wilberforce creatures, who look sorta human during work hours and slug entities resembling Swamp Thing dipped in 30-weight in the evenings.

Under The Mountain

The Wilberforces are aliens who want to destroy the world and have the means to do so with the Gargantua that lives under one of the town’s seven(!) volcanoes. He’s also the size of Godzilla’s waterbed. They can’t accomplish their “planets to destroy” things to do list until they get rid of the telepathic twits, uh, twins. For they hold within their red hair the power to stop the Wilberforces in their slug trails.

Under The Mountain

Enter Mr. Jones, an alien who looks like a human, but is not. He’s been following the Wilberforces around the universe, recruiting twins with the power of “twinness” (their word, not mine). This ability, enhanced by smooth rocks that they’re supposed to chuck into the mouth of the volcano, will cause everything to fire up, thereby frying the Wilberforces like steaks on the barbie. Mr. Jones, a fireraiser, tells them to think more like Frodo and less like dumbasses.

Under The Mountain

He can teleport them around town, but his flame is growing weaker and he’s dying. Am I the only one who thinks drinking charcoal starter fluid might help here? The Wilberforces can smell the twins and chase them all the way to the lake’s main island. I’d tell you the name of it, but it’s too hard to spell. (It’s like those people in New Zealand have a different word for everything.)

Under The Mountain

The showdown between the Wilberforces and the teens is as limp as a case of Brewer’s Droop. These monsters can make their arms and hands grow into wiggling slugs, so why not have some fun with it? And while we’re chatting, the Gargantua never gets out of its underground parking garage. Why even have one if you’re not gonna let it loose on humanity?

Under The Mountain

Kids might like this “horror adventure.” I didn’t, mostly because no one ate anyone’s face off, no buildings were crushed under flailing tentacles, and there wasn’t a single swear word to be heard. If the Wilberforces were after me, you can bet your arse I’d invoke every four-letter cuss in the dictionary, both as exclamations and taunts.

All That Cremains

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cremains

Uh, oh, a funeral home guy did something he wasn’t supposed to do — cremate two bodies at the same time to save money. Problem was, he got the ashes mixed up, and the barbecued leftovers of a little girl and a serial killer were combined. You can bet the funeral guy got in big trouble for this, but you don’t know how deep the death doo doo is until the end of this ambitious and inventive indie vid.

Cremains

So begins Cremains (20010), a trilogy of horror with the narrative wrap-around. Funeral Dude recants several tales of horror to a couple of disembodied voices that are questioning him about his questionable ethics/business practices. (Note to self: don’t talk to ghosts – they’re big time scary.)

One morbid story finds a woman driving through a weird community looking for a sacrificial something-or-other for Jerry, the town snake.

The next is a nasty short about a suicide counselor helping teens realize their whiny, attention-getting threats at offing themselves.

In the third, a woman believes she’s being stalked by a neck-licking vampire that used to be her girlfriend. (Friendship sucks.)

Cremains

To wrap things up, the mom of the little girl who died made a deal with a witch to bring back her daughter. All the bitc…, uh, witch needs is the ashes from the freshly-roasted girl. See where this is going?

Cremains

Lots of bare boobies, rumps, a little gore (including a guy getting his head run over by his own car), and a death-seeking creature whose face looks like a burnt summer camp marshmallow. What’s not to like?

Stomach Monster

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on June 8, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scourge

The Scourge in Scourge (2008) is a tentacled, icky bug creature that makes its six-hour Air BNB home in stomachs. (Your belly button is its front door.) It also makes you eat raw butter and drink curdled milk, gulping serving spoons of room temperature mayonnaise down your sandwich hole. And it makes your skin come off like wet drywall tape.

Scourge

Buried in the foundations of a 1781 church, the icky thing got loose in modern day times when the holy house burnt down, and got into a fireman. He passed it to his girlfriend. She passed it to a punk rocker. He passed it to the ambulance driver. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Scourge

A one-eyed man in the employ of the Catholic church collects the thing, takes it to a funeral home, and burns it alive. (10 minutes on 1600 degrees, turning once when brown. Serve with a side of room temperature mayonnaise.)

Scourge

Some good gore bits (the punk rocker gets his lower face punched off) and some icky skin moments. But Scourge just didn’t have the guts it needed to make it tasty. Like raw butter.

Vomit Zombies

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mortuary

Most kids would think that having their mom be a mortician as a modern woman career choice would be pretty dang cool. But why did she have to move her teen son and nine-year-old daughter into a decrepit mortuary in a small, blue collar stink town to explore job opportunities? Having the business by the local interstate where car crashes seem to happen on a daily basis was a prudent choice, though. Location is everything.

Mortuary

But the town legend has it the deformed kid with crooked lips who lived in the house years ago IS STILL THERE. That, of course, is like handing an engraved invitation to the local booze-sneaking teens who break into the cemetery located in the front yard (!) to make graveyard babies among the deceptively romantic crypts.

Mortuary

But while mom’s in the basement learning how to embalm, leaking fluids are absorbed by the evilness in the house and makes black gunk grow on the walls. It also gets into the party teens, turning them into vomit zombies. You do not want zombie vomit on your face as it will turn YOU into a vomit zombie. That, and the stains are really hard to get out of your shirt.

MortuaryMore zombies, more vomit, more fun. When mom turns into one of the spewing undead and her non-living associates converge on the house, a warm fuzzy feeling comes over you as there’s no way out for the uninfected teens. As if out of the blue, the deformed kid with crooked lips, now an adult, kidnaps the teen brother’s little sister and takes her away into his under-the-cemetery lair. The zombies follow because hey, zombie rules, man.

MortuaryLike trapped mall rats, the teens are flanked by the walking dead, the deformed kid who’s now holding the little girl over a big hole in the ground, and a demonic tooth worm that lives in the hole, waiting to be fed. What to do? Personally, I’d crap my pants then and there.

Mortuary

Mortuary (2005) is brimming with horrific ingredients bookended by some pretty funny turns. Not too bad for a low-budget horror flick, but the total hack ending certainly won’t make your lips go all crooked.

The Dead Belong In Jail

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Prison of the Dead

Stop me if you’ve heard this before: a bunch of dweebs sneak into an abandoned funeral home to party. Someone whips out a Ouija board, thereby unwittingly summoning the dead. One by one the dumb asses are possessed, hacked, sliced and diced by mean undead warriors with glowing evil eyeballs and machetes on loan from Friday the 13th (1980) — and not even graphically enough to warrant a G-rated bandage.

Prison of the Dead

 

The gore in the lazily contrived Prison of the Dead (2000) is so PC’d, all you get to see is a couple of ketchup squirts simulating a violent act. They should give away french fries with this flick. And where the hell has illicit sex gone in these Z-grade handle jigglers? No one drops top anymore, which breaks the #1 cardinal rule of low-budget videos.

Prison’s most notable scene comes at the end where the “action” abruptly stops as though it were my car driving around on $1.25 of gas. The director either ran out of money or ran out of ideas. Hard to believe the latter as the whole movie is as cookie cutter as it gets. Someone needs to go to prison for this.

Death Is Cyclical

Posted in Classic Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Morgue

Margo is a young woman who works the overnight shift at a mausoleum the size of Costco™, mopping, wiping up fluids of the deceased, picking up dead flowers and throwing ’em away. Ironic, given that the mausoleum is where things go when they’re dead.

One night a man, his wife and young daughter show up with an empty gas can. Seems their car ran out of zoom juice and they’re lost. Right after that, two guys show up, one battered and bruised, the other unconscious due to involuntary blood loss. To throw more plot on the fire, a hooded figure is stalking them with a shovel. He’s explained as a former employee who committed suicide, though they never say how or why, which feels like an unfinished bag of potato chips.

The Morgue

This party group try and leave the funeral home, but can’t seem to find a way out. Mom wanders off only to be cornered by Hooded Ghost Shovel Man, who pours gasoline down her mouth. Too bad; I’d like to see what kind of mileage she gets. Events take a turn for the weirder when the dad and the relatively undamaged guy make it outside and down the road, only to wind back up at the mausoleum.

The Morgue

Margo is desperately trying to evade Hooded Ghost Shovel Man. Most of your valuable time is spent watching her running around and around in circles. This is freakin’ patience-testing. Eventually, Margo and the little girl escape, where they encounter police cars and an ambulance. She cries for help but nobody seems to hear her.

This should tell you how The Morgue (2008) ends, even without me spilling the ghost beans. And Hooded Ghost Shovel Man? No idea where he ended up. Probably back in the morgue with all the dead bodies, all of whom probably died from boredom watching this movie.

Corpse Condo

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , on May 23, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Funeral Home

A teen girl who does not take her top off visits her grandmother’s bed & breakfast/funeral home. People keep disappearing, much like her grandfather did once he found a hot chick that would put out for him. There are muffled voices coming from that secret room in the basement where they keep all the old caskets.

Funeral Home

Thinking he’ll get to feel her up, the granddaughter’s boyfriend talks her into going into the basement for, you know, relaxation purposes. If you’ve seen Psycho (1960), the ending is a spot on rip, complete with swinging light casting eerie shadows over the corpse of you already know.

Funeral Home

Norman Bates, uh, I mean grandma, swings a good axe, but can’t seem to connect with the human target, breaking all those jars of goopy preserves on the shelves instead. Makes sense she would be good at making jams and jellies given that she’s also an embalmer or sorts. Just ask the corpse of you already know who.

That said, Funeral Home (1980) is a bloodless, gore-less, plodding butt-putting-a’sleeper.