Archive for Frisbee

A Kaiju Reborn, Airborne Apes, Post-Puberty Exorcist

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Gods of All That Is Kaiju have FINALLY answered my last call prayers. Gamera, one of the greatest giant monsters ever in the history of ever (spinning Frisbee™ flight abilities, plasma flames blasting out of mouth AND butthole area, Osmond-sized teeth), is coming back after being in hibernation since 2006. Kadokawa Daiei Studio and Netflix™ just announced they’re working on a project called Gamera: Rebirth for 2023. After I post this blog, I’ll need to go swap out my under garments because, you know…

From Joblow.com: “A giant, fire-breathing, prehistoric turtle monster, Gamera was first introduced to audiences in the 1965 film Gamera, the Giant Monster, which begins with an atomic bomb waking him from a long slumber in the Arctic. Over the next six years, Gamera returned in Gamera vs. Barugon, Gamera vs. Gyaos, Gamera vs. Viras, Gamera vs. Guiron, Gamera vs. Jiger, and Gamera vs. Zigra. When the studio was struggling with financial issues in 1980, they cut together a bunch of stock footage Gamera: Super Monster. Gamera then took a fifteen year break before being brought back in a trilogy of films directed by Shusuke Kaneko. Those were Gamera: Guardian of the Universe, Gamera 2: Attack of Legion, and Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris. The most recent film was 2006’s Gamera the Brave.”

While we look for a time machine to transport us to the premier of Gamera: Rebirth’s exact day and time in 2023, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as good as giant prehistoric turtle soup

ALL EYES / Out now (VOD)

“Allen hosts a podcast about strange people and paranormal phenomena. One day, he gets fired from his job. He’s totally distraught, but soon enough, he comes across a case that just might revitalize his career. He’s contacted by a widowed farmer named Don who claims there’s a monster living in the woods near his house, so Allen travels to the man’s home to interview him and see him capture the beast.”

WTF?!? Monsters live in the woods? Dang — I live right next to some woods. This really upsets my stomach area. Sure, Bigfoot lives in there as well, but he’s not really a monster. He’s more of a Naturalist/organic hippie free spirit who just happens to occasionally scare the kale outta people.

CRYO / Out now (VOD)

“In an underground facility, five scientists wake from cryosleep with no memory of who they are or how long they’ve been asleep. They soon make a shocking realization: a killer is hunting them down there, and may even be hiding among them.”

Waking up with no memory of who they are or how long they’ve been asleep sounds like they had an epic night at the Tug Tavern instead of an underground facility.

GALE: STAY AWAY FROM OZ / Pending release 2022/2023

“Long gone are the days of emerald cities and yellow brick roads in this dark re-imagining of The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy Gale is now an elderly woman, broken by years of paranormal entanglement with a mystical realm, which has now echoed down to her only living relative, Emily, who is being called to settle unfinished business in this terrifying world of Oz.”

Hoping this one is as bloodthirsty and barbaric as the 1939 original. It better not have dork dancing and ear gouging song interludes, though. Crossing fingers for flying monkeys.

BLOOD FLOWER / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Iqbal, a 16-year-old apprentice faith healer and exorcist, is tormented by visions of the dead and spirits from other dimensions. When a malicious spirit begins to wreak havoc around him, Iqbal is forced to harness his supernatural gifts to save his family and friends.”

A 16-year-old exorcist/faith healer who can see the dead from other dimensions. At 16 I was a paperboy.

Goth Girls, Flaming Pumpkins, Superpowered Nuns

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, paranormal, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , on October 15, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wednesday Addams, the youngest of the Addams Family (America’s first family of fright) is the newest star of her own TV series via Netflix™ on November 23, 2022. Sure, Lurch, the butler with the eye-rolling “I just smelled someone else’s fart” expression, or even the light bulb-sucking Uncle Fester are easily worthy of their own showcase. (Not Pugsley or Grandmama, though.) But it’s Wednesday, who puts the “dead” in “deadpanning,” who could very well make YA Goth a thing again. Hot Topic™ is counting on it.

Here’s the light bulb illuminated plot: “A coming-of-age supernatural mystery comedy focusing on Wednesday Addams and her years as a high school student at Nevermore Academy, where she attempts to master her psychic powers, stop a monstrous killing spree of the town citizens, and solve the supernatural mystery that affected her family 25 years ago — all while navigating her new relationships.”

Wednesday Addams has been portrayed by 10 gloomy gals over the decades, starting with Lisa Loring in 1964 and going all the way up through now, with Jenna Ortega rockin’ those iconic pigtails and whose resume includes Iron Man 3 (2013), Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013), The Babysitter: Killer Queen (2020), Scream (2021), Studio 666 (2021), and X (2022). Serious street cred.

While we wait until Wednesday, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV shows that may or may not be as fun as sucking on a light bulb… 

HEADLESS HORSEMAN / OCTOBER 14, 2022 (VOD)

“Seconds from death, a nearly decapitated and desperate man makes a deal with the Devil to protect the love of his life and seek revenge on the drug dealer who almost murdered him.”

I get Headless Horseman has been around a lot longer than Ghost Rider. But that’s a dick move to steal GH’s shtick by riding a flaming motorcycle and making your pumpkin head flame on like a Presto Log™ dipped in BBQ accelerant. Hey HH — how would like it if Ghost Rider rode a fiery horse up and down building walls and/or rodeos? 

WARRIOR NUN SEASON 2 / November 10, 2022 (Netflix™)

“After waking up in a morgue, an orphaned teen discovers she now possesses superpowers as the chosen Halo Bearer for a secret sect of demon-hunting nuns. At the end of Warrior Nun’s first season, the Order of the Cruciform Sword was faced with their toughest battle yet: the fallen angel Adriel was released from his tomb, helped unknowingly by Ava and the Sister-Warriors.”

Every time I wake up in a morgue, I smell like a cocktail of formaldehyde and pee and looking for pants. Wouldn’t need britches, though, if I woke up in a morgue with superpowers. Then demons would totally fear me instead of laughing and pointing. Stupid demons.

1899 / November 17, 2022 (Netflix™)

“In this German epic period mystery-horror series, multinational immigrants traveling from the old continent encounter a nightmarish riddle aboard a second ship adrift on the open sea.”

This echoes the story of the spooky Mary Celeste, an American-registered merchant brigantine discovered adrift and deserted in the Atlantic Ocean on December 4, 1872. (Not gonna lie to you; I totally copied that off the Internet. I just wanted to feel like a big shot know-it-all and get one in the win-column for a change.)

SUMMONERS / Pending release 2022/2023

“Jessica Whitman isn’t a witch. Not anymore, at least. She left it behind when she left her hometown almost 10 years ago. But when a childhood friend needs her help performing a dark spell, she’ll find herself questioning her sense of right and wrong, and grappling with her late mother’s secrets.”

Why would Jessica want to quit being a witch? Witches can fly and do cool stuff like get Frisbees™ down from roofs. They can make surprisingly savory stew in their cauldron (aka, Le Creuset™ Cast Iron 8 qt. Oval Dutch Oven). And witches can make the lights go on and off, just by clapping. Freakin’ eerie! I think Jessica should rethink rejecting her godless ways because those Frisbees™ on the roof aren’t gonna get themselves down.

Irradiated Sci-Fi

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 13, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Cyclops

Fifties sci-fi remains some of the coolest, cheesiest, wildest and excitingest movies ever made. Besides uninvited UFOs and alien b-holes showing up like holiday relatives, a large portion of ’em have to do with the effects of radiation-gone-wild on everything from ants (Them!/ 1954) and spiders (Tarantula/1955), to octopuses (It Came From Beneath The Sea/1955) and lizards (Giant Gila Monster/1959) – and all creatures in-between – including rats, bunnies, grasshoppers, salad tomatoes and people. Heck, just watching these movies gives you radiation poisoning. (OK, not really. But my glowing epidermis sure feels like it sometimes.)

'50s Sci Fi

I love the “mutated creature” stuff – quite a bit, as it turns out. But where radiation really earns its keep is when it turns humans into death metal monsters. Take for instance The Cyclops (1957), The Amazing Colossal Man (1957) and War of the Colossal Beast (1958), all created by B-movie legend Bert I. Gordon.

'50s Sci-Fi

The monster is essentially the same in all three, with the actor Duncan Parkin playing the pitiful reconfigured giant – in two of the three with a mangled face and one presumably good eye. (Maybe the “I” in Bert I. Gordon is a subtle reference. Heh.) Duncan, by the way, is credited as a stagehand in The Beginning of the End (1957), that infamously bad giant grasshopper movie. Maybe he got a dose working on that one.

'50s Sci-Fi

Amid all of them, The Cyclops, with its lava-lamp faced monster and shredded pants (apparently radiation mutates clothes as well), is one of those mega-cheesy guilty pleasures – and the first giant human monster movie. No, Gulliver’s Travels in 1939 doesn’t factor in because his size was regular – the people who f’d with his mind were super small. (Note: There may have been a giant human monster movie before The Cyclops, but I’m too busy combing my hair to do research. Note: v.2: 1952’s Jack and Beanstalk had a giant, but that one was not a monster movie – it was a comedy starring Abbott & Costello, the Laurel & Hardy of their day.)

The Cyclops

A test pilot goes missing. Probably fell down a hole. So they go looking for him in one of Mexico’s deep, hole-filled jungles. Arriving via a small plane that looks about as sturdy as a two-seater kite, they encounter giant birds, lizards, bugs and a 50-foot giant human with a face distorted by radiation, of which there is plentiful in Mexico. This is why to this day people traveling there are warned not to drink the water, what with its f’d up face melting properties and such.

The Cyclops

And what a mutated giant hey is – one eye is completely melted over with dripping skin gelled into place like a flesh curtain. The other eye, bulging to the point of popping, looks like it was too big to begin. Go big or go home, I say. And the all-angle teeth? Probably got that way chewing on small airplanes.

The Cyclops

Of course, the search party has to bring along the missing pilot’s girlfriend so that the monster has something to distract him from the giant snake wrapping around his food chute, ala King Kong (1933). Even with only one kinda sorta maybe good eye left, he seems to recognize her. Get where this is going?

The Cyclops

The craptacular special effects were slightly refined for Duncan’s next two roles as a homeless giant everyone wants to kill because he can get Frisbees™ off the roof without a ladder. Regardless, in order to fully understand yourself, take a look at these sci-fi classics and see if you can’t discover a part of you in them.

OK, that just sounded plain dumbass. Must be the radiation kicking in.