Archive for fountain of youth

This Snake Takes The Cake

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Snakeman

Snakeman (aka, The Snake King) came out in 2005 on the SyFy™ Channel and starred/stars Stephen Baldwin, who always looks like he’s striking a pose in front of a mirror only he can see.

Snakeman

So I watched the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman on YouTube™. (It was titled Anakonda vs. Kink Kong. There was no Kink Kong, but the snake did eat a kinky monkey, so there you go.) It’s so poorly overdubbed that when someone shoots at the seven-headed giant snake (located in the heart of the steamy Amazon (jungle, not the one-stop shopping place on the Internet with free delivery if you have a Prime™ account), you don’t hear the rifle blasts for a few seconds later. For some reason I found that to be quite entertaining.

Snakeman

Baldwin plays Matt Ford (had to look that up as I don’t quite grasp the nuances of Hindi linguistics), a helicopter pilot who leads a team of researchers deep into the snake-filled Amazon by way of crashing said helicopter. The group includes Dr. Susan Elters, who looks like a Canadian version of Kim Basinger. Most everybody is eventually swallowed whole by the snake, which is the size of a regular snake times one million. Again, quite entertaining.

Snakeman

So why was everybody gooning out in the jungle in the first place? Seems the Fountain of Youth might be there (it is) and everyone wants to get their unwashed hands on it. Meanwhile, warring natives (I call them “Junglonians”) throw spears and shoot arrows at everyone. Most the time they miss their target, but hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Snakeman

A rival helicopter shows up and a bunch of gunners try to get the youth juice for their own science profits. This is where the best scene happens. The meanest of the para-military guys is grabbed by both legs and arms by the snake and is handily (sorry) turned into a screaming torso. The biggest snake noggin leans down and nips the head off the still screaming guy as if snacking on M&Ms, where it melts in its mouth, not in its glands.

Watch the Hindu dubbed version of Snakeman, because sometimes understanding the dialogue just isn’t that important to the plot.

Blood and Ass Blasters

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 9, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Story

Hard to tear myself away from binge watching The Walking Dead (all five seasons back-to-back for the sixth time) in order to seek out new horror/sci-fi with which to explore, share and make fun of. Alas, a fortunate break in the form of a rather long bathroom intermission afforded me enough time to bring two possible gems to light.

First up is Blood Story (2015), just now out on DVD/VOD, and “centers on the discovery of the legendary Fountain of Youth and the awaking of a centuries old demon that unleashes upon the guests of a nearby villa, subjecting them to unspeakable acts of depravity, perversion and murder.” There is nothing about “unspeakable acts of…” that doesn’t find an application in my own life.

Tremors 5: Bloodlines

As a fan of the Tremors (1990) franchise, I look forward to Tremors 5: Bloodlines (releasing October, 2015), starring original actor Michael Gross returning as the excitable Graboid hunter, Burt Gummer. (Graboids, as you know are Dune-esque sand slugs that can sense people walking on the soft desert dirt, occasionally burrowing up for human candy bar treats.)

Tremors 5: Bloodlines goes like this: “Weapons enthusiast and expert subterranean creature hunter Burt Gummer sides up with Travis as his new tech-savvy right hand man. The pair are joined by an international cast as they mount a battle against the deadly creatures that turn out to be far more than they bargained for.”

Ass Blasters

I hope they give the varying creatures cool names like they did  in the earlier films (Tremors (1990), Tremors 2 – Aftershocks (1996), Tremors 3 – Back to Perfection (2001), Tremors 4 – The Legend Begins (2004) and Tremors Attack Pack (box set, 2005). They were originally called Graboids, but my favorite is Ass Blasters – flying Graboids that use an obvious form of propulsion to take and maintain flight.

Not obvious? Binge watch all the Tremors movies and shoot for a bathroom intermission for enlightenment.

Flower Snakes

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

A corporate team of venture researchers need to get into the heart of Borneo to procure a rare flower – the Blood Orchid – that only blooms once every seven years. Cool name, Blood Orchid. I’d have called it a Punch You In The Face flower, but I’m all about marketing.

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

Tests on an earlier retrieved sample indicate it’s the botanical version of the Fountain of Youth. (Note to filmakers: Budweiser™ achieves the same results and is way easier to find). Time is running out as the flower only stays in bloom for one more week. Roooaaad triiippp!

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

And to make things more interesting than the find-n-seek flower, there are giant anaconda snakes everywhere. Seems it’s mating season and the male snakes are on the hunt for the one female skank snake that’ll do it with all of them. Aren’t we all.

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

Anacondas continue to grow right up until they die. Since the Blood Orchid is part of their diet, they live considerably longer, and by extension (sorry) grow considerably longer, about 40 feet to be exact. Because the super flower could be worth billions plus millions, greed intercedes and double-crossing ensues.

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

The flowers bloom on the other side of a huge pit where a massive snake sex knot is happening. It looked like a giant bowl of spaghetti gettin’ it on. Hey, what happens in Borneo, stays in Borneo. To reach the flowers, someone has to go across a wet tree that has fallen across the pit. This is what we in the industry call “letting the good times roll.”

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

As giant snake movies go, Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid (2004) stands out. Then again, I can’t remember any other giant snake movies that don’t suck. Ahem.