Archive for forest

The Joi of Bigfoot

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bigfoot

The best bait to lure Bigfoot out into the open? Gorgeous women in bikinis. Shocked that Bigfoot hunters haven’t thought of this before.

This isn’t the plot of Bigfoot, a 1970 sub-budget “horror” movie, but it should be. Rather, it’s just one part of a bigger tapestry that weaves together a horror legend (John Carradine), a supermodel (Joi Lansing), and dynamite-packin’ bikers with semi-combed hair. (What a bunch of disrespectful punks.)

Bigfoot

Parachuting into the forest after her plane quits flying, Joi, with her flotation devices stored safely under her blouse, runs smack into Bigfoot. Elsewhere, a biker guy horizontally makes out with his bikini-clad new girlfriend, only to discover they’re  swapping spit on a Bigfoot burial ground. Guess who shows up to punch out the boyfriend (wicked right hook) and make off with the make-out girl?

The local sheriff doesn’t have time for this hair-covered nonsense, and pretty much doesn’t do much to solve the mystery of the missing women. So Biker Rick (the guy whose bricks were earlier flipped by Bigfoot), turns to hucksters for help. Some help – they plan to capture B-foot to exploit for financial gain. (“People will pay 50 cents to see it!”)

Bigfoot

Meanwhile, the top-heavy abducted gals are tied up (!) by Bigfoot, where they hypothesize about their situation and give away a big clue as to the what lies ahead. (More than one Bigfoot, as it turns out – and they seem to be gooning out over something at the top of the mountain everyone’s partying/making out/peeing on.)

Bigfoot

Finally, after much hippie bongo music, noisy motorcycles tearing up the woods and great one liners (“They’re practically sub-human, but they look like animals…”), the hucksters and Biker Rick (cool name) slog through the forest until they happen upon the abducted gals and the Bigfoot lair (not quite an apartment as it doesn’t even have a kitchenette).

Bigfoot

And it’s here we get the “slap your head in astonishment” big surprise. The thing at the top of the mountain the other Bigfeet are fearful of is… I’ll just say that the hint lies in the Bigfoot creatures themselves, all of whom are female. Run with it. And the end? Has something to do with dynamite – and Joi Lansing running through the woods, barely keeping her mountainous region from popping out of her top.

P.S. Bigfoot fights a bear in this one. I thought they were friends. The bear probably owed him money. Or a honey-dipped pine cone. Man, I could sure go for one of those right now.

Feral Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 28, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cub

Does a werewolf crap in the woods? And if it did, would there be anyone to step in it? There are entire college courses given over to philosophical quandaries such as this. Still in school or not, it makes one think.

Cub

So think about this: what if a cub scout troop goes into the woods, gets lost, and fall prey to a Kai, a local legend werewolf thought to crap all over the same forest they’re wandering around in?

Cub

That’s the premise of Cub, a heavily-lauded indie Dutch horror movie that made the film circuit rounds in 2014 and is ready for release in the UK on June 15, 2015 and here in the States on August 22, 2015. But Cub is nowhere near being a werewolf movie, the topic of which was just the local spiel designed to scare the crap outta kids and to keep them tourist Euros rolling in. Here’s the real deal…

Cub

“Sam, a young imaginative twelve-year-old boy heads off to camp with his Cub Scouts pack and leaders. Once they enter the woods, Sam quickly feels something is not quite right. He soon stumbles upon a mysterious tree house and meets a shifty, masked feral-looking child.”

Cub

“When Sam tries to warn his leaders, they ignore him. As Sam gets more and more isolated from the other scouts, he becomes convinced a terrible fate awaits them: the Feral Child, it turns out, is the helper of the Poacher, an evil psychopath, who has riddled the forest with ingenious traps and is intent on slaughtering the scouts one by one.”

Cub

I bet anything one of the traps is a pile of werewolf doo doo that everybody steps in and tracks all over the forest. Talk about evil…