Archive for Foreigner

NASA Cover-ups, Prank Time Travel, Vampire Trackers

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

NASA Cover-ups

Been thinking of new inventions that would make me a multi-thousandaire (just a few tax brackets away from being a multi-millionaire). I came up with The Lid Loosener™ (possibly already invented under the name of “can opener.” Not a very zingy marketing name.), Mouth Broom™ (same as a toothbrush, but with crazy larger bristles), and the Mud-Flinger™, a new kind of pooper scooper, one that employs catapult technologies to rid one’s lawn of animal “pebbles from heaven” souvenirs.

Pooper Scooper

But the one I firmly believe will get me an in-ground swimming pool with all the trimmings (long hose, case of artificial food coloring, water), is my latest get-rich-right-now scheme: NASA Cover-ups™ — blacked out government UFO documents you can use to mask flying saucer-shaped table stains and/or use to put your refreshing adult beverages on to keep from staining the aforementioned Ikea™ table with one leg longer than the others.

Until I’m able to secure a patent number (or “No.”), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not enrich your pool or wallet…

Psychotic!

PSYCHOTIC! (January 26, 2018)
“This suspenseful psychedelic slasher follows a group of hard-partying Brooklyn hipsters as they’re stalked and savagely murdered by a masked maniac known as the Bushwick Party Killer. It’s up to struggling artists Tim and Stuart to figure out who keeps killing the life of the party.”

Hard-partying hipsters? Does that mean they drink three Zimas™ instead of two before passing out at a Rave? Comb their mall styled hair in an opposing direction? Use trendy/trending swear words they found on the Internet? Probably all of the above.

Altered Carbon

ALTERED CARBON (February 2, 2018/Netflix™)
Altered Carbon is an intriguing story of murder, love, sex, and betrayal, set more than 300 years in the future. Society has been transformed by new technology: consciousness can be digitized; human bodies are interchangeable; death is no longer permanent.”

I wish my carbon to be altered as soon as future science is able. I’d transfer my digital leavings into a WWE wrestler husk host and recycle my former skin bag in the toilet/garbage disposal/neighbor’s yard (see “Mud-Flinger™”)

Curvature

CURVATURE (February 23, 2018)
“A scientist must break into a top-secret facility in order to travel back in time and prevent a murder after receiving a mysterious phone call from herself.”

If it was me, I’d probably make a crank phone call to myself. (No doubt I’d fall for it, too.) Still, wish I could travel back in time, though. Two things would happen — I’d never have to wash my pants. That, and I’d be able to re-drink the same refreshing adult beverage over and over without paying for it more than once. Traveling through time is sweet.

The Wanderers

THE WANDERERS: QUEST OF THE DEMON HUNTER (March, 2018/UK)
“Experienced vampire hunter Louis Moudon and his companion, a journalist, arrive in an isolated village in Transylvania to investigate the mystery surrounding a strange event. Along with their guide, young local Sorana, and the reality show team, they will find out that the villagers are experiencing a terrible dread. Louis will soon have to face a totally surprising discovery.”

The title is too long. Tried saying it out loud and my tongue got tired halfway through and just hung out of my mouth like a piece of pre-sliced bologna. If I was an experienced vampire hunter (oh, wait — I am), I’d insist on changing the movie’s title to In The NECK of Time.

Skin Solo

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , on June 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Haunted Drum

Ping, a clothes-worthy young man in the jungles of Thailand, wishes to be a musician. In other words, he wants to be the drummer for Master Duang’s band. Duang owns a mysterious drum called the Peung Mang. (I would’ve called it “drum.”)

The Haunted Drum

The Peung Mang was reputed to have been made from the skin of a hot chick. If you play the drum right, it kicks out the jams. If you don’t, it melts your face off. Meanwhile, an opposing Master wants a battle of the bands to prove, once and for all, who jungle rocks harder.

The Haunted Drum

During the concert, the skin drum melts the face off its player. So much for his solo. The plan is for the other Master (I forget his name) to hire away all of Master Duang’s student musicians. This would result in shame like you haven’t seen since the original Foreigner broke up.

The Haunted Drum

Ping decides to work harder to become a better musician and save Duang’s band. He also falls in love with Tip, who’s…cold as ice. (Sorry.) Ping and Tip are pretty much the Ken and Barbie of Thailand. She teaches him how to properly play the Peung Mang without getting his face melted off. As well she should – the drum was made with her skin and her soul is trapped within the percussive instrument.

The Haunted Drum

When Muan (hey, I just remembered his name!) gets his group together and steals the coveted Peung Mang, you know some serious duang is about to hit the fan. Even so, The Haunted Drum (2007) is a tedious horror story, low scares, but surprisingly decent gore. But don’t get your hopes up, as this is merely a love story with melted faces.