UFOs, Nightmares, Fog Monsters, Bigfoot

Watched YET ANOTHER Bigfoot documentary (I’ve pretty much seen ‘em all) and one “expert” (he’s not, I am) claims that there’s thousands of the highly marketable cryptid. Gonna have to call baloney puckey on that one. Do the math — there’s only ONE true Bigfoot. But hey, where did he come from? Wouldn’t he have had parents? What about a grandma who sends him a new sweater every Christmas? Those and many more questions will be answered when Bigfoot says so, not some dumbass “expert.” Uh, oh — I think I just called myself a dumbass. Oh well — not the first time.

Anyway, more mysterious horror/sci-fi topics being addressed in these upcoming films, of which I’m probably an expert at. Ahem.

UNACKNOWLEDGED (May 9, 2017/iTunes™)
“Unacknowledged focuses on the historic files of the Disclosure Project and how UFO secrecy has been ruthlessly enforced — and why. The best evidence for extraterrestrial contact, dating back decades, is presented with direct top-secret witness testimony, documents and UFO footage, 80% of which has never been revealed anywhere else.”

About flippin’ time. UFOs are real and everybody knows it. Getting them to admit it, on film even, is the tough part. Unacknowledged is headed up by Dr. Steven Greer, a guy who put his reputation on the line by going up against the government and petitioning them to come clean with the E.T. goods. I’d go to him for medical/conspiracy services. Heck, when you think about, he’s probably really good at proctology. Don’t make me explain this.

BACKWOOD MADNESS (2017)
“Backwood Madness is a horror fantasy movie that bustles with trolls and goblins. Situated during the second World War, it tells a story about a conflict between men and creatures of the forest. The main character is struggling with his own mysterious past that is taking events towards the inevitable collision with destiny.”

Haven’t seen a good troll since Troll Hunter (2010), so puttin’ this on my “to do” list taped to the kitchen mop (that’s on the “to-do”list as well). And with the addition of goblins, maybe Hollywood can make up for those goblins in the steaming pile of fantasy mess that was Legend (1985).

FLESH OF THE VOID (2017)
“The film was shot almost entirely on expired Super 8 film from the ’80s, and is intended as a trip through the deepest fears of human beings, exploring its subject in a highly grotesque, violent and extreme manner. It’s 80 minutes of pure Hell, playing out like a non linear, psychedelic nightmare.”

This on sounds both icky and must-see at the same time. Kinda like watching an octopus attack on a ocean-wading tourist in a loud shirt drinking a margarita. And the words “highly grotesque” and “psychedelic nightmare” go together like “octopus” and “tourist with a loud shirt and margarita.”

EL SECRETO DE MARROWBONE (October 27, 2017/Spain)
“A young man and his four younger siblings, who have kept secret the death of their beloved mother in order to remain together, are plagued by a sinister presence in the sprawling manor in which they live.”

Theorized (and probably right) spoiler: It’s their baby-sitter who never got paid for watching the brats.

THE MIST (2017/Netflix™)
“After an eerie mist rolls into a small town, the residents must battle the mysterious mist and its threats, fighting to maintain morality and sanity.”

This, of course, is the TV series version of the not-too-shabby 2007 movie of the same name, based on one of Stephen King’s better sessions at the typewriter. It’s not a spoiler to casually mention there are mutated creatures that live in the mist or “fog.” I like the idea of a TV series as it will flesh out that angle and maybe show us how the military opened another dimension and let the bed bugs in. I’ll be taking notes.

Giant Bug vs. Enormous Bug

There is only one thing The Deadly Mantis (1957) has over the almost identical Them! (1954), a nuclear monster movie hailed by the American Film Institute as one of the greatest sci-fi movies of all time: The bug looks cooler. Yeah, I said it.

The giant ants in Them! look like someone stuck pipe cleaners into a couple of potatoes and spray-painted ’em with Rust-oleum™. The giant mantis in The Deadly Mantis looks exactly like a mantis, all alien-esque, spindly and icky. (While we’re on the subject, The Outer Limits’ Zanti Misfits (1963) look more like what ants are supposed to look like minus the big bulging eyeballs, though I’ve seen a few of those things crawling around just after last call.)

Taking the page-by-page format of the “giant insects eat civilization” right out of the Them! playbook, the title 200 foot-long Mantidae (biology name) was de-iced after a volcano thawed it from its icy cube in the North Pole. (I didn’t know they had active volcanoes in the North Pole. Snowball fights, yes; but lava?)

The military stationed up there (building a massive early detection network) sustains severe preliminary damage as the mantis feeds itself on mess hall chow (servicemen). Then it flys south, theorized to be heading to South America where I here it’s warmer than the North Pole and more suitable for getting an all-around tan. (Note to self: Use that tanning salon coupon before it expires.)

On its way for a vacation, the mantis buzzes Washington, D.C., and takes a poop rest on the Washington Monument, totally mocking visiting hours. Jets are dispatched, but the launched missiles rarely connect with their exoskeleton target. (Note to the city down below: the air force was just trying to help, man – get over it.)

One heroic pilot accidentally rams his jet into the bug due to London-grade fog that seems to be covering the entire East Coast, ejecting before ka-BOOM! The mantis hits the ground and crawls into the Manhattan Tunnel, mimicking the giants ants that took up homeless camp residence in the vast Los Angeles drainage tunnels and mocking New York Port Authority’s toll charges. The bail-out pilot leads the charge into the tunnel, armed with chemical gas can bombs, and throws it right onto the face of mantis. In your face, deadly mantis!

But for all its plagiarized similarities to Them!, The Deadly Mantis has two very funny scenes. One is with a bunch of military guys jailhouse rockin’ each other in the rec room as there are no dames around at the North Pole, and the other where a scientist and a dame (visiting journalist covering the story) and a military dude are theorizing how big the monster is, guessing that it’s probably over six-feet tall. This while the mantis is right outside their window and rising up over three stories. I just about crapped sno-cones over that one.

In conclusion, while the sci-fi sorta classic The Deadly Mantis looks good, it isn’t as good as Them!

P.S. For more big bug fun, watch 1957’s Beginning of the End – it features REAL giant grasshoppers. Those things goon me out for some reason.

Evil Mud, Hooded Thugs, Brain Gone Bugs

Three upcoming horror movies either in production, out of production and/or being burned into obsolete DVDs as we speak.

Muck (2015) sounds as yummy as its name: “Shot in state-of-the-art 4K Ultra HD resolution, Muck is packed with old-school effects, shocks – and yes, breasts – that stick with you, creating terror with effects and stunts without the use of CGI.”

They had me at muck.

Here’s other muckified stuff to expect: “A group of friends stumble upon an empty Cape Cod vacation house alongside the foggy marsh and break in to take shelter. Whatever was in the marsh is still after them and soon after one of them goes for help, the rest of the group learns that the evil in the marsh is not the only thing that wants them dead.”

They had me at empty Cape Cod vacation house.

Next up is Sweet Home (2015), a slasher horror movie of sorts: “Alicia has a surprise to celebrate her boyfriend Simon’s birthday: a romantic dinner for two in one of the almost abandoned buildings she inspects as part of her job. The evening starts out perfectly, but the couple soon makes the startling discovery that they are not the only “intruders” in the building that night, after Alicia witnesses a chilling act at the hands of three mysterious hooded men. On realizing that their presence in the building has not gone unnoticed, the three men begin the search for the couple, well aware that their dark secret cannot leave the building.”

So much for a romantic dinner and the highly anticipated thing that follows: laying on the couch and watching TV while that special someone does the dishes.

Arriving December 16, 2014 is Coyote, a serial killer movie described as “wickedly brilliant.” If they had a cameo by me, perhaps. Nevertheless, “an aspiring writer with insomnia descends into a world of madness and serial killing violence as he is torn between what is real and what has crawled from the darkest recesses of his mind – making him a threat to everyone around him, and most of all himself.”

He’ll not be a threat to me. I can make him go away merely by hitting the OFF button. THAT’S the darkest recesses of MY mind at work. Sorta.

Dino-Sores

In an attempt to map the Antarctic so future people can make more accurate classroom world globes, an arriving Naval expedition deploys a scout copter with three military dudes and a supermodel journalist to fly miles and miles over nothin’ but ice and freezing wind. Good idea.

Before you can say “that wasn’t a good idea,” the copter is forced out of the sky 3,000 feet below sea level by super dense fog. Either they entered into another dimension or there’s a big hole in the Antarctic. I have another theory that involves Langoliers, but need to do more research.

Up top it’s 40 below. Down there it’s 100 degrees and 100% humidity. The copter, slightly damaged after a mid-air collision with a giant flying reptile, can’t go anywhere without a straight rod to replace a bent one. That rule applies to a lot of things.

Beneath the Antarctic is a prehistoric world filled with bus-sized lizards, three or more Loch Ness monsters, a woman-eating octopus plant and a hungry T-rex taking a break from his busy schedule to have brunch. There’s also a lone survivor of a previous expedition whose been trapped in the steamy jungle for 10 years. You know what he wants more than to be rescued? The answer is changing out of her sweaty blouse.

After a bad first impression, it is discovered his plane wreckage might have the exact part they need to fix the copter. Obtaining it, though, is another issue as hermit wants woman. A trade is thrown on the table. Good lookin’ gal, but I don’t do well in 100% humidity and would make the swap in a hot second. Points and counterpoints ensue while giant monsters pursue.

The Land Unknown (1957) is full of big beasts, a bit of drama, stock war footage, and a rather nifty battle between one of the Loch Ness monsters and the helicopter. But it’s the last 60 seconds of dialogue that will give you “Wha?” face. It’s that good.