Archive for flesh-eating

Cannibal Cuisine

Posted in Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Trouble Every Day

Trouble Every Day (2001) is a French horror movie about a chick that has sex with dudes and then eats their flesh. Hopefully in that order.

Trouble Every Day

Shane Brown is an American scientist on his honeymoon in Paris. Instead of frenching his wife, he’s plagued by reoccurring nightmares of having sex and ripping flesh apart. He looks up Dr. Léo Sémeneau, his brain experimenting buddy, in order to figure out why he wants to eat his wife, but not in the legally married way.

Trouble Every Day

The doc’s gone, but his hottie wife Coré is hanging around, having sex with local monsieurs and chowing on their flesh. Talk about soul mates — Shane needs to get an annulment and hook up with this broad and get their flesh freak on asap.

Trouble Every Day

Coré looks good sans clothes and shows her bare upper half a lot. That both sweater busters are covered in blood and particulate matter most of the time is moot. Shane looks like the drummer for Foghat. Do not gaze upon his nakedness as it will turn you off to such rockin’ songs as “Slow Ride” and whatever Foghat’s second hit was. (I think it’s “I Just Wanna Make Love To You — And Then Eat Your Flesh.”)

Trouble Every DayThe cannibal scenes are tame, as is the depictions of sex. Long stretches of emoting (there’s barely any dialogue) bring this thing to an attention deficit crawl. I guess the French figured the subject matter was enough to shock the viewer into thinking this is a great movie. The French are wrong.

Vlogging the Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Diary of the Dead

George Romero, the guy who all but invented zombies (sorry, voodoo witch doctors — you’ve been served), returned with Diary of the Dead (2007), YET ANOTHER entrée to his living dead menu. During an opening sequence that’s both confusing and shockless, we see the dead returning to life, which is what they’re paid to do. This is documented by hand-held cameras, a YouTube™ technique worn as thin as my patience for zombie movies.

Diary of the Dead

A group of college students and an alcoholic, over-enunciating teacher are making a horror movie when they learn the dead are eating the living. They jump into a handy RV and set out to find their families — conveniently located one million miles away. This sets up paint-by-numbers zombie encounters, none of which are particularly graphic, juicily lurid, or inspired. (A deaf Amish farmer fighting off the walking dead? Gimme a break.)

Diary of the Dead

Recording the “action” with a camera that has more battery power than my car, the emotionally-detached student never flinches when he films several of his zombie-bitten friends coming back to life and having his other friends shoot them in the face. In fact, he keeps everything all in frame. And focused. And well-lit.

Diary of the Dead

Predictably, the camera guy gets bitten, so the chick who’s been bitching at him the entire movie to turn the camera off, films him dying then coming back to life. Yep, that’s what we in the industry call situational irony.

Diary of the Dead

The gore is both dumb (handy sword to the head, splitting it like soft coconut) and phoned-in (been there, bit that). The zombies, as dull as they are, have more life in them than the characters. This one should’ve been titled, Diary of the Dud.

Sex Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of Something Strange

Sexually transmitted diseases seem to be making a comeback in horror movies lately (Contracted, Contracted: Phase II, It Follows), and look to replace science/space virus recipes normally used to make zombies. About time that old hat got an upgrade. But the message is clear: get a boner, become a donor.

The aforementioned crotch cooties gone wild are at the root of Night of Something Strange (2015), in which five teenage friends set out for the beach on their Spring Break vacation.

Night of Something Strange

While it seems to be a contemporary spin on The Evil Dead (1981), the gory story goes like this: “Good times are cut short when one of the group, Carrie, contracts a deadly sexual transmitted disease during a bathroom stop. When they stop for the night at an isolated motel, the real terror begins when the STD virus starts running rampant, turning those infected into the living dead. However, there’s more going on at the motel than meets the eye.”

Night of Something Strange

Contracts a deadly sexual transmitted disease during a bathroom stop? Super ick! What is it with young people these days that the urge to merge is so powerful that they seek out the nearest super ick-infested gas station bathroom to get momentarily romantic in?

Night of Somethign Strange

Back in sensibly horny days, a vacationing neighbor’s garage was a veritable Chateau Marmont. The smell of old gas-y lawn mowers and half-used cans of fragrant paint brings back a few puberty party memories.

My next door neighbors knew me too well, though, and set up guard dogs, snipers and booby traps around their property when they left town. Took me three weeks to dig a tunnel.

Refrigerated Zombies

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on June 3, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Extinction

Extinction, YET ANOTHER zombie movie, is releasing summer of 2015 and hopes to cash in, uh, cast the undead in a new light. Specifically, by halting the rotting process, thereby keeping the living corpses as fresh as a flesh-eating popsicle.

And how do they do this? By ending the world with a catastrophic ice age. Many die, few don’t. Those that freeze their buns off become zombies (referred to as the “infected”) and are kept in people-devouring form due to the refrigerated climate. Survivors now have to deal with staying warm long enough to be eaten as a human hot plate for the zombies.

Extinction

This sets up a paradox – with no need for a refrigerator, beer can be kept outside and thus chilled to perfection. However, zombies are outside and will chew you out for any attempt to retrieve said beer. I’m thinkin’ it’s worth the risk.

P.S. Extinction should not be confused with the same named following…

Extinction

A World Infected With Zombies

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 8, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Infected

In the mood for YET ANOTHER generic zombie movie? Then you’re in luck because the generically titled Infected arrives June 2, 2015 and features a generic global pandemic that turns people into generic flesh-eating monsters while a generic group of survivors and a generic army squad hole up in a generic shelter and generically yell and cuss at each other as their generic food supply and ammunition runs out while the generic zombies close in.

If you watch the trailer, you’ve pretty much seen the whole movie. Am I being too harsh? Not when the above scenario has been done so many times I’ve lost count. And I can count pretty high. (I’m almost up to 1,000. Soon, very soon.)

Clowning Around With Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , on March 1, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Clown

The easily pronounced Clown, a horror movie about a clown of some sort, came out in 2014. I think. I looked and looked and was unsuccessful at locating an illegal bootlegged copy. Or even a legally bootlegged copy.

So imagine the sound of my relief (which took the form of a carbonated burp) when I found out Clown comes out on DVD in the UK on March 2, 2015. yeah, I’ll have to book a flight to England to snag a copy. But this thing looks cool enough for me to gamble my rent on.

ClownSo what has my balloons in a knot over Clown? Check this out: “It’s Jack’s 10th birthday, but the clown has cancelled. His dad, Kent, finds an old clown suit in the attic and saves the party. ”

“But after the party is over, Kent has a problem – the suit won’t come off. What starts as a joke quickly turns into a hellish nightmare. Kent can feel himself changing, and his desperate attempts to free himself just leave him in agonizing pain.”

“As the suit takes hold of his body, Kent slowly endures a brutal transformation. As he changes, an uncontrollable hunger begins to consume him, an overwhelming and insatiable hunger…for children.”

Holy crap balls – Kent turns into a flesh-eating party clown and eats kids. That is so flippin’ cool and/or harsh. Kids probably taste good because all those little runts ever eat is sugar. So it’d be like chowing down on a screaming candy bar.

I wonder how much Kent charges for private parties?

Invasion of the Undead

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Invasion of the Undead

Invasion of the Undead is a YET ANOTHER zombie movie in a world that’s choking on zombie movies. Made possible via crowd-funding, Invasion arrives digitally March 3, 2015 and, after watching the trailer, brings absolutely nothing new to the table.

Not the filmmakers’ fault – with over one billion zombie movies released in the last five plus years, every spin on the genre has been swallowed and regurgitated so many times as to be bulimic. And does that matter to those of us who are die-hard flesh-eating fans? Not one bit. (Heh.)

So what’s Invasion of the Undead about? Chew on this: “A beautiful young woman gets more than she bargained for when she enlists the aid of two self-proclaimed paranormal exterminators to combat a monster infestation in her new home.”

Invasion of the Undead

Substitute “new home” for my neighborhood and “beautiful girl” for me, and you get my ongoing war with my douchebag neighbors who don’t know the meaning of the phrase, “Shut up or I’ll kill you with one punch to your stupid head.”

I wonder if I should set up a crowd-funding page to raise money for a bulldozer in order to do a little housing relocation for my relentlessly obnoxious neighbors?