Archive for flesh-eater

Earth-First Zombies

Posted in Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Severed – Forest of the Dead

Severed – Forest of the Dead (2005) purports to answer the age-old question: if hippies in the woods are being eaten by zombies, would they make a sound? The answer is, of course, hell yeah!

Severed – Forest of the Dead

In a bid to make trees grow faster so they can be cut down more often (thereby generating fun bucks for the corporation that’s harvesting old growth forest sticks), scientists inject ’em with a bio-chemical growth hormone. (I think my doctor is one of these guys.)

Severed – Forest of the Dead

But like any science experiment with breakable test tubes, you gotta have drama. Enter a bunch of tree-hugging, bean sucking, Earth-firsters trying to block the lumberjacks with highly-efficient signs and “bummer, dude” rhetoric. Yeah, right; like a hippie is gonna stop a top of the line MS 880 Stihl Magnum™ Chainsaw. With his face, maybe.

Severed – Forest of the Dead

To thwart the loggers the insubordinate slackers spike the trees so that when the chainsaw hits it, the “solves all problems” machine breaks. Only this time the saw kicks back and slices into the shoulder of a logger who was simply doing the forest a favor by cutting down a tree that more than likely had two dozen poisonous squirrels living amongst its branches.

Severed – Forest of the Dead

The tree sap, mutated by the chemical, gets into the man’s bloodstream and turns him into a flesh-eater in less time than it takes to say, “Timber, muthaf*ckas!” He bites another guy, who then bites another. You can see where this is going.

Severed – Forest of the Dead

It’s here where one of the best scenes happens: hippies, earlier chaining themselves to trees marked for cutting, can’t get loose and are screaming their stink faces off as the zombies come crawlin’. You couldn’t save the trees, so how you gonna save yourself, b*tch? Man, nothin’ beats the sound of screaming hippies (heard as often as I drive on the sidewalk).

In the end, thankfully, it’s a full plate undead smörgåsbord. Someone finally found a way to make hippies cool – turn ’em into zombies! How groovy is that?

Mutant Ghoul Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 30, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mutant

Mutant (aka, Night Shadow /1984) is another one ’o those ’80s schlocky cult favs, given cheesy charm by David Hasselhoff look-alike, Wings Hauser. Also starring are chemically-altered ghouls with light blue skin, heavy Goth eye makeup, and banana-colored pudding blood. Bananas are good for you.

Mutant

Two city brothers out hitchhiking like it was legal, end up in a small, southern redneck town where their kind ain’t welcome. Run off the road by a truckload of articulate inbreds, the brothers later find themselves in bar brawl knife fight – with the same guys. They also find a body with open sores on his/her face. (Hard to tell if it was a dude or a chick with all that goo leaking out.)

Mutant

Staying the night in a bed & breakfast, the younger brother is grabbed by something with smoking hands, and subsequently extinguished. In his quest to locate his brother, the older one goes around town, finds himself a girlfriend, and gets into more fights with the rednecks, or “Texas Welcoming Committee.”

Mutant

While this is going on, the locals are being converted into pasty-face ghouls with a taste for living lasagna. (One zombie dude runs around while still wearing his glasses. As in life, as in death.) Wings (the older brother), has zombie resistant hair. (I wonder what kind of product he uses?) And his girlfriend looks like Jessica Simpson, but with six or seven additional teeth.

Mutant

The mutated ghouls are somewhat entertaining, turning blue with skin bubbling like hot soup under rotting skin. For some reason not related to lack of toothbrush use, their teeth become black and they claw at the air like a cat pawing an invisible scratch post. Guns will take ’em down, as will flame, so like, boom and burn time. The light hurts their zombie’d eyes, though. (Since they’re undead, they probably forgot about using sunglasses.)

Mutant

The ghouls corner the survivors over and over again – in a school bathroom, a doctor’s office, a gas station… Persistence beats resistance. Help arrives, but are they in time? Will the ghouls mess up Wings’ hair? Will his younger beefcake brother ever button his shirt? Will the rednecks get a lesson in city etiquette? I don’t care – I just wanted to watch mutant ghoul zombies eat people. And to comb my mop top to look just like Wings’ ’80s crown.

 

Visiting Flesh-Eaters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 24, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Visitors

Wanna see a couple of ill-intent criminals consumed by a flesh-eating creature? Well hey – who doesn’t?

Gonna cost you, though. The Visitors – a crowd-funded movie on Indiegogo [click here] that’s reputed to contain healthy elements of The Evil Dead and The Thing, need your fun bucks to make the criminal-eating possible.

Here’s the pitch: “After settling into their new home in the country, the Cooper family’s night of peaceful relaxation is brought to an abrupt halt when two mysterious drifters come knocking on their door. As the drifters attempt to unleash a strategic plan of terror upon the unsuspecting family, their plan is soon foiled by a flesh-eating creature fixated on only one thing – survival.”

The Visitors

“In order for the family to survive the night they must entrust in the one person who once sought to harm them, but as the events of the evening begin to unravel it becomes clear that there is more to this situation than meets the eye and more than one monster lurking in the shadows.”

Hmm – sounds like they need to work together with one or more criminals to fend off this creature that eats flesh. Since The Visitors is set in the country, I’m betting the flesh-eating creature is a mad cow with mad cow disease. Makes sense when you think about it.

The Farmer’s Zombie Daughter

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Maggie

The Terminator himself – Arnold Schwarzenegger – in a cannibalistic zombie movie? The fudge you say. And yet, it’s fudgin’ true, I tell you.

Starring in Maggie (releasing May 8, 2015), a horror movie about a Midwestern farmer whose daughter slowly turns into the aforementioned flesh-eater, Arnold has to figure out how to TERMINATE (heh) the problem.

Maggie

Co-starring is Abigail Breslin as the zomb-teen. You may remember her as Mel Gibson’s five-year-old daughter in the crop circle movie, Signs (2002). Now she’s grown impressively into her shirt if you catch my driftings.

Joely Richardson also stars. She’s the hot red-head who was in Loch Ness in 1996. That had the Loch Ness Monster in it as well as Ted Danson. He’s kind of a monster.

Loch Ness Monster

So I’m wonderin’ how Arnold’s farm daughter came down with zombieitis? One might surmise being bitten by a cow getting revenge after all its brethren society has eaten. Or maybe she touched icky farm stuff, rubbed her eyes, and then came down with hay fever (heh). I’m hoping it’s the cow.

Man, I am all over the road today.