Archive for Finland

Finnish Superheroes, Hitler Dinosaurs, Vampire Neighbors

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rendel

Been watching the new Marvel™ TV series Iron Fist on Netflix™. There are good aspects and some so bad it causes involuntary facial flinching. Daniel Rand, introduced as a kid who lost his corporate rich mom and dad in a relaxing vacation plane wreck over the Himalayas, is rescued by invisible monks and raised for the next 15 years to be the next Iron Fist, solely designed to wipe out the evil gang, The Hand. They beat him with sticks every day to reinforce their clenched mandate.

15 years later he shows up unexpectedly in downtown New York as a shoeless street bum (with hipster beard and an iPod™), trying to reconnect with his dad’s company. (He’s an heir worth billions and yet can’t afford socks, matching or otherwise.)

All of this I can get behind except they make him say and do stupid things. (Really bad chi-generating meditation moves and stilted kung-fu reference dialogue.) Worst, they give him a lava glowing fist that, when he’s provoked by violence, lights up and he can punch criminals and/or walls right in the sheet rock. Walls pretty much deserve it because they impede proper feng shui. Stupid walls.

All in all, mildly entertaining, but a surprising misstep by Marvel™, whose only blemish on a stellar track record has been The Fantastic Four. (Note to Marvel — PLEASE quite trying to make that one work. No one gives a crap about a guy who can stretch like a rubber band and another one who looks like passed kidney stones.)

Speaking of things to pass on, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be medically assisted to leave your body…

RENDEL (2017)
“A dark avenger is born when a worldwide corporation known as VALA launches an untested vaccine called Nh25 into the market by bribing, threatening, and killing every official opposing them.

Rendel unleashes his own special kind of hell against VALA, threatening to put an end the distribution of Nh25 As blood spills and the money burns, VALA recruits a group of mercenaries to do what they seemingly can’t, eliminate Rendel permanently.”

Rendel is Finland’s first superhero movie. About time they jumped on the bandwagon. Heck, I’m filming my own superhero movie as we speak: Yell Man: Neighbor Wars (pending $10 million crowd-funding.) Sounds like Rendel is a cross between Spawn (1997) and, well, me (I have a suit just like his, so you can see why people would make the connection. And by people, I mean me.) Despite a personal affront, looking forward to this one.

Living Among Us

LIVING AMONG US (2017)
“A documentary crew is sent in to interview a family of vampires whose existence has been made known to the world. But soon the crew realizes their very lives are in danger as they uncover a deadly secret and must fight for survival.”

Sounds like they took the framework of Fright Night (1985) and went to town with it. So vampires are living next door. Might be time to order some garlic polo shirts and Internet-ordered wooden stakes and go door-to-door because now I’m thinking those aren’t just a-holes living next to me, but bloodsucking a-holes.

Iron Sky: The Coming Race

IRON SKY: THE COMING RACE (February 14, 2018)
“Twenty years after the events of Iron Sky, the former Nazi Moonbase has become the last refuge of mankind. Earth was devastated by a nuclear war, but buried deep under the wasteland lies a power that could save the last of humanity — or destroy it once and for all. The truth behind the creation of mankind will be revealed when an old enemy leads our heroes on an adventure into the Hollow Earth. To save humanity they must fight the Vril, an ancient shape-shifting reptilian race and their army of dinosaurs.”

You can look but you may not find anything as crazy cool as Iron Sky (2012). And now with it’s sequel (which I e-barfed about on November 11, 2014) is within release sight. The new trailer shows a reanimated Hitler riding a T-Rex like it was a hobby horse, looking to re-take the world from the inside out. (Turns out those hollow Earthers were right. My apologies.) Consider putting Iron Sky: The Coming Race on your to-do/bucket list.

Lovecraft_Country

LOVECRAFT COUNTRY (HBO/in-production)
“After his father goes missing, Black joins up with his friend Letitia and his Uncle George to embark on a road trip across 1950s Jim Crow America to find him. This begins a struggle to survive and overcome both the racist terrors of white America and the malevolent spirits that could be ripped from a Lovecraft paperback.”

Racists and dark god entities. And how does this differ from the current political administration? You’ve already seen this — every night on the news.

Kitchen Sink Horror

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Slashers, Vampires, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monster Pool: Chapter Two

Looking for new horror movies with fresh, exciting and original ideas? Not gonna find ‘em here. But hey, it’s either this or romantic comedies (i.e., “rom coms”). Now that I think about it, rom coms can be pretty dang horrifying as well. Time to take my foot out of my mouth YET AGAIN.

Anyway…

MONSTER POOL: CHAPTER TWO (Available now / unrated / uncensored)
“One Movie. Ten Tales of Terror. Dive deep into murky and bloody waters with Vampires, Ghosts, Demons, Death, Succubi, Mind Control, The Monster Under Your Bed, Cults, Zombies and Serial Killers!”

What, no kitchen sink? Those things can be shockingly frightful, especially when they’re full of unwashed dishes. (I did ’em last time, so now it’s your turn.)

It Watches

IT WATCHES (December 6, 2016 / VOD & February 21, 2017 / DVD)
“Andre takes a house sitting job at a creepy home nestled in the hills above Los Angeles. As night comes the house reveals its insidious nature as he begins hearing ominous sounds and experiencing strange occurrences throughout the house that lead him to believe he is not alone, and that someone, or something is in the house with him.”

I’m betting it’s a ghost. Or a rat. Or a rat ghost. The takeaway here is that a haunted house is no big deal when it’s someone else’s mortgage payment.

The Noonday Witch

THE NOONDAY WITCH (aka, Polednice / available now / Czech Republic / USA / 2017)
“Eliška and her eight years old daughter Anetka move into a remote house to begin their new life with the ‘father away on business,’ as the mother claims. However, when the daughter discovers the truth and realizes her own mother lied to her all along, their relationship begins to wither. At that time, the mythical creature of The Noonday Witch begins to materialize. It is coming closer and closer and the question is poised: is the danger real or is it all in the mother’s crumbling head?”

Crumbling head. Great description. It describes me on so many levels. As for the Noonday Witch, I know nothing about her and why she’s up at the crack of noon causing all sorts of sleeping-in-late shennanigans. Maybe it’s because wiccans always work the night shift.

Lake Bodom

LAKE BODOM (aka, Bodom / available now / Finland, 2017 / USA)
“Every camper’s worst nightmare came true at Lake Bodom in 1960 when four teenagers were stabbed to death while sleeping in their tent. As the years passed and the case grew cold, the unsolved mystery turned into an urban legend, a creepy campfire story passed from generation to generation. Now, a group of teenagers arrives at the same campsite, hoping to solve the murder by reconstructing it minute by minute. As night falls, turns out not all of them are there to play. Tonight it’s girls against boys. Let the killing games begin.”

Stock Horror Plot # 8. New slasher movie, same recipe. I’ll still watch it, even though they give away the plot. Theorized spoiler: If it’s not each other, I bet the killer is that Toronto Maple Leafs hockey fan from Friday the 13th Part III (1982).

The Void

THE VOID (2017)
“In the middle of a routine patrol, officer Daniel Carter happens upon a blood-soaked figure limping down a deserted stretch of road. He rushes the young man to a nearby rural hospital staffed by a skeleton crew, only to discover that patients and personnel are transforming into something inhuman. As the horror intensifies, Carter leads the other survivors on a hellish voyage into the subterranean depths of the hospital in a desperate bid to end the nightmare before it’s too late.”

A skeleton crew working at a hospital. I don’t know why that cracks me up. The plot recalls 2008’s Norwegian horror movie Dark Floors, wherein heavy metal demons pursue a father and daughter trapped in a haunted hospital. I don’t think heavy metal demons are in The Void, though. Probably zombies. Or skeletons. Or zombie skeletons. Working the night shift.

Offensive Bunny

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bunny The Killer Thing

Haven’t been offended by weener nudity, graphic gore or micro-budgeted horror lately? Then you haven been watching enough evening news. So now you can get your depravity fix with Bunny The Killer Thing (release pending 2015).

Besides boasting a terribly lazy movie title, Bunny The Killer Thing’s trailer packs more offensive punch than most entire movies with all the stuff I mentioned in the first paragraph. And here’s a taste of what you’ll find…

Bunny The Killer Thing

“In the dark winter woods of Finland, a group of Finnish and British holiday makers are stuck in a cabin where they are terrorized by a creature which is half human, half rabbit called Bunny the Killer Thing, who is after anything that resembles the female genitals.”

Spoiler: The half human/half rabbit creature is a guy running around in a costume with an oversized rubber hangy doo dripping and flopping around. And here’s the really offensive part: the costume looks filthy and in all likelihood smells like a junior high school gym locker. Ick.

Transparent Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Invisible Invaders

Dr. Noymann blew himself up in a lab. Ka-BOOM! The explosion formed an atomic mushroom cloud and probably took out half the neighborhood. That’s what happens when you mix Alka-Seltzer™ with baking soda and Mr. Pibb™.

Invisible Invaders

During Noymann’s funeral, invisible aliens, who’ve been on the moon unnoticed for 20,000 (!) years, arrive to inhabit the recently dead (including Noymann, though his corpse should’ve been turned into puzzle pieces from the ka-BOOM!) and use the ripening bodies to proudly announce their intentions to end all life on Earth and that all resistance is useless, blah, blah, blah. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said that to my neighbors.

Invisible Invaders

To make Earth prep their asses for kissing goodbye, they provide an example of their superior skills by making a plane crash. Buttholes. Then they use more dead bodies to warn people at sporting events and even TV broadcasts to tell us to prepare for a deathly invasion, and blow up Finland to emphasize their message. But our scientists are smarter than anyone from the moon or Finland, and theorize their weapons are about as effective in our atmosphere as non-alcoholic beer is on 99% of the known universe.

Invisible Invaders

Invisible Invaders (1959) is loaded with plenty of bone-headed science dialogue, which kinda makes sense in the context of invisible extraterrestrials. (Talk about saving a ton on space costumes.) The aliens meet their match with scientists who advise that the cab of a pick-up truck will sufficiently protect you from radiation. I’ll have to remember that. Can’t be too safe from invisible invaders.