Archive for feng shui

Finnish Superheroes, Hitler Dinosaurs, Vampire Neighbors

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rendel

Been watching the new Marvel™ TV series Iron Fist on Netflix™. There are good aspects and some so bad it causes involuntary facial flinching. Daniel Rand, introduced as a kid who lost his corporate rich mom and dad in a relaxing vacation plane wreck over the Himalayas, is rescued by invisible monks and raised for the next 15 years to be the next Iron Fist, solely designed to wipe out the evil gang, The Hand. They beat him with sticks every day to reinforce their clenched mandate.

15 years later he shows up unexpectedly in downtown New York as a shoeless street bum (with hipster beard and an iPod™), trying to reconnect with his dad’s company. (He’s an heir worth billions and yet can’t afford socks, matching or otherwise.)

All of this I can get behind except they make him say and do stupid things. (Really bad chi-generating meditation moves and stilted kung-fu reference dialogue.) Worst, they give him a lava glowing fist that, when he’s provoked by violence, lights up and he can punch criminals and/or walls right in the sheet rock. Walls pretty much deserve it because they impede proper feng shui. Stupid walls.

All in all, mildly entertaining, but a surprising misstep by Marvel™, whose only blemish on a stellar track record has been The Fantastic Four. (Note to Marvel — PLEASE quite trying to make that one work. No one gives a crap about a guy who can stretch like a rubber band and another one who looks like passed kidney stones.)

Speaking of things to pass on, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be medically assisted to leave your body…

RENDEL (2017)
“A dark avenger is born when a worldwide corporation known as VALA launches an untested vaccine called Nh25 into the market by bribing, threatening, and killing every official opposing them.

Rendel unleashes his own special kind of hell against VALA, threatening to put an end the distribution of Nh25 As blood spills and the money burns, VALA recruits a group of mercenaries to do what they seemingly can’t, eliminate Rendel permanently.”

Rendel is Finland’s first superhero movie. About time they jumped on the bandwagon. Heck, I’m filming my own superhero movie as we speak: Yell Man: Neighbor Wars (pending $10 million crowd-funding.) Sounds like Rendel is a cross between Spawn (1997) and, well, me (I have a suit just like his, so you can see why people would make the connection. And by people, I mean me.) Despite a personal affront, looking forward to this one.

Living Among Us

LIVING AMONG US (2017)
“A documentary crew is sent in to interview a family of vampires whose existence has been made known to the world. But soon the crew realizes their very lives are in danger as they uncover a deadly secret and must fight for survival.”

Sounds like they took the framework of Fright Night (1985) and went to town with it. So vampires are living next door. Might be time to order some garlic polo shirts and Internet-ordered wooden stakes and go door-to-door because now I’m thinking those aren’t just a-holes living next to me, but bloodsucking a-holes.

Iron Sky: The Coming Race

IRON SKY: THE COMING RACE (February 14, 2018)
“Twenty years after the events of Iron Sky, the former Nazi Moonbase has become the last refuge of mankind. Earth was devastated by a nuclear war, but buried deep under the wasteland lies a power that could save the last of humanity — or destroy it once and for all. The truth behind the creation of mankind will be revealed when an old enemy leads our heroes on an adventure into the Hollow Earth. To save humanity they must fight the Vril, an ancient shape-shifting reptilian race and their army of dinosaurs.”

You can look but you may not find anything as crazy cool as Iron Sky (2012). And now with it’s sequel (which I e-barfed about on November 11, 2014) is within release sight. The new trailer shows a reanimated Hitler riding a T-Rex like it was a hobby horse, looking to re-take the world from the inside out. (Turns out those hollow Earthers were right. My apologies.) Consider putting Iron Sky: The Coming Race on your to-do/bucket list.

Lovecraft_Country

LOVECRAFT COUNTRY (HBO/in-production)
“After his father goes missing, Black joins up with his friend Letitia and his Uncle George to embark on a road trip across 1950s Jim Crow America to find him. This begins a struggle to survive and overcome both the racist terrors of white America and the malevolent spirits that could be ripped from a Lovecraft paperback.”

Racists and dark god entities. And how does this differ from the current political administration? You’ve already seen this — every night on the news.

Boogeyman Comes Out Of The Closet

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 23, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boogeyman

As a kid Tim saw his dad get taken by the Boogeyman when he was just old enough to be traumatized for life by the unfortunate experience. Tim’s older now and has a girlfriend who puts up with him sleeping on the floor and not having anything stored in closets – except Boogeymen. That’s not good feng-shui.

Tim’s ghost mom tells him to go back to the family home and the scene of the dad-taking. Really good idea. There Tim discovers a history of children being taken by the Boogeyman, him being one if his “protective” dad hadn’t gotten in the way.

Boogeyman

All of this is just an excuse to get Tim to go into the closet, which he does. It acts as a time portal, transporting him back and forth to his old bedroom. Why he didn’t use it to go to the store is a glaring plot hole.

Boogeyman

Solid creep-out moments, including the ghost kid victims of Boogeyman and bathtubs filled with blood instead of hot soapy bubbles and shampoo bottles. Taking it one step further, Boogeyman turns into electricity and possesses toys.

Boogeyman

Through an overly-long set-up, Tim finally grows a sac and throws a solid slobberknocker, sending Boogeyman back to the place of coats, shoe boxes filled with pictures instead of shoes, and some other junk you don’t use anymore. This paves the way for several sequels no one asked for.

Boogeyman (2005) is a sorta nice spin on a fond childhood memory, though B-man should probably stay out of that one box in my closet marked “Evidence.”

Baby-sitting For The Devil

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 22, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The House of the Devil

A college sophomore chick so desperate for money, she takes a baby-sitting job (for $400!) at a double creepy house located way out in the woods. It was a set-up to violently extract her soul. By the time the first act of soul violence happens, just over 60 of the movie’s 95 minutes has gone by.

The House of the Devil

This means it took an hour to establish a girl reluctantly accepting the job in a double creepy house for creepy people on the night of a full lunar eclipse. An hour. I could have read the Necronomicon in that amount of time (the paperback version).

The House of the Devil

While there’s no evil black gunk on the walls or furniture, there is a bloody pentagram in the attic with a few nicely arranged bodies laying around it. Good feng shui. However, with only a few minutes left, they try and cram in as much remaining plot as possible, with the girl being added (tied) to the pentagram by way of a drugged pizza (really?). Some old witch woman is drawing demonic stick figures on her college stomach. This is done using the artistic medium of blood. (Looked like drugged pizza sauce to me.)

The House of the Devil

I was hoping something called The House of the Devil (2009) would actually have the Devil in it. I’ve had more evil times in your grandparent’s place. So if a creepy old dude asks you to baby-sit on a lunar eclipse, tell him you’re busy that night eating drugged pizza and making crank calls on your rotary phone.

Invoking Ghosts Past and Present

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Invoking

Haunted house movies seem to be all the rage these days. I don’t know why – the ghosts in all these films do the exact same thing: open and shut doors, wastefully turn on and off the lights, make sounds in rooms you’re not currently in, rearrange the furniture in a way that is very displeasing to feng shui… But hey, I’ll take a ghost movie over, say, non-alcoholic beer any day of the week.

The latest one to cash in is The Invoking, which borrows liberally from just about every other haunted house movie ever made in the history of the world. For starters, the first sales art for The Invoking looks a heckuva lot like The Conjuring (2013). Not cool.

The Invoking

But here’s where they take us through even more familiar territory…

“After inheriting a house from a family that she never knew, Sam and three friends take a road trip to inspect the remote property. Soon after Sam arrives, old memories come seeping back while jealousy and unspoken tension among the friends is forced to the surface.”

“Sam soon finds herself unable to tell the difference between reality and horrible visions of brutality she can’t escape, and while her world crumbles around her, she discovers the current horrors may be tied directly to her past.”

Robot

You’d think they could come up with something a little more original. If this was my movie, the first thing I’d do is put a robot in there. You can never go wrong with robots. Also, ghosts can’t scare robots. Neither can poltergeists.

Secondly, for spooky effect, I’d turn on and off the lights really fast. I know it’s been done over and over, but I just love doing that. It’s a cheap and easy way to turn any room into a rave and…

OK, I’ll stop now.