Virgin Vampires With Full Moons

The Devil’s Wedding Night (aka, The Devil’s Crypt, Full Moon of the Virgins, Il Plenilunio delle Vergini/Italy, 1973) isn’t nearly as lip-smacking as it sounds. In fact, the Devil doesn’t even show up to his own happiest day. (Who can blame him? His brides/victims won’t sign a pre-nup.) But you don’t need him when you have a clothes-hating, female vampire bathing in human blood squeezings, likely for its moisturizing properties.

Two handsome brothers are twin archaeologists. One likes to gamble and make smooch happen with chicks. One wants to find the invaluable Ring of the Nibelung (it has mind-moisturizing properties), said to be in Castle Dracula in Transylvania, high up in the Carpathian Ski Mountains. Since this in the early 1900s and there is no Uber or Lyft to get him there, he has to ride his horse. (He never tips the pony or gives it a good rating, the jerk.)

Once at the castle, handsome twin #2 knocks on the door and tells the emotionless gal he’s an architect and wants to study the castle’s feng shui. While wandering around like a snoopy guest opening up underwear drawers and medicine cabinets, he hears a shrieking sound and sees moving shadows. It’s here he meets Countess Dracula, who invites him to stay for dinner and dessert, if you get my drift. Turns out, he’s the main course, but not before a little rub-a-dub.

While this shameful action is going on, his brother is hot on the trail, rushing to bring him a protective amulet to ward away evil. Ironic, since the fabled jewelry is said to have been fashioned by Pazuzu, King of the Demons. (I would’ve thought P would be more into Gothic cabinetry than homemade jewelry.)

As it so happens, tonight is the full moon of the virgins, wherein five as yet undefiled young gals from the nearby village fall under the ring’s spell, and they all walk to the castle at midnight, where in Countess Dracula extracts their blood and slathers it all over herself, likely for its moisturizing properties.

There’s a lot of running around the castle holding lit candles since the psychedelic, rainless lightning storm raging outside must’ve knocked out the power. Handsome twin brother #1 eventually stumbles across his brother entombed in a stone coffin and beats down a bald male vampire with sick thick eyebrows to rescue him.

The virgins show up, the countess turns into a giant bat, the handsome brother chops off her hand, snags the ring, gives his brother an economic, in-ground burial after serving up a stake well done.

So even as “meh” as this all is, stick around for the double twist ending. It will make you believe in the power of jewelry.

Copy Cat Storms, Super Jewelry, Alien Doctors

With little more than a month to go (from this e-barfing) before the glorious day Justice League comes out (November 17, 2017, to belabor the point), now comes YET ANOTHER series of character posters of Batman, Cyborg, Aquaman, The Flash, Wonder Woman and…Green Lantern? Wait — how can that be? He should never have been let into the Justice League in the first place if all his power comes from jewelry. (Wonder Woman’s earrings are tougher than he is.)

But be still, dear readers. The fan-made poster, magnificently done, comes from BossLogic, who also did a Superman version (complete with a Batman moustache). So you could call it fake news, or just marvel that it completes the set nicely and therefore your mom’s basement where you live because you can’t find a job will have balanced feng shui.

While we contemplate the spiritual ramifications of a Chinese philosophical system of harmonizing everyone with the surrounding environment (even though it is closely linked to Taoism), here are a few just-released horror and sci-fi movies to play on your television. Be sure to feng shui (angle) it properly to invite peace (tell everyone to shut up) and prosperity (someone bring over some beer) to your living room…

AFTERIMAGES (available now/VOD)
“A collection of horror films appear in the ashes after a group of friends burn paper effigy cameras as offerings to the dead.”

Cool premise — wonder if that works with burning paper effigies of been cans as offerings to the thirsty dead? If a case of beer appears in the ashes, best to put it in the fridge for a while as beer that burns your tongue should be illegal. (It’s still beer, so don’t throw it away, you craft cocktail swilling snobs.)

PATIENT SEVENTEEN (available now/VOD)
“A surgeon claims to remove highly advance implants, nanotechnology microchips embedded by aliens, non-humans monitoring our Earth. Discover the world of abductions, Scalar wave transmissions, and a program to study or manipulate the human race. Armed with a patient, a scalpel, black lights and a stud finder; we seek to verify the authenticity of this alleged Off-World Implant Technology.”

Couple of things — first, why does a surgeon need a stud finder? That’s like a proctologist using a turkey baster. Secondly, what the heck are Scalar wave transmissions? Got me curious so I clicked it up — “Scalar waves are also called electromagnetic longitudinal waves, Maxwellian waves, or Teslawellen (Tesla waves). Variants of the theory claim that Scalar electromagnetics (also known as Scalar energy) is the background quantum mechanical fluctuations and associated zero-point energies.” Like I understood one nanosecond of that.

MY LITTLE SISTER (available now/VOD)
“A group of friends go against warnings not to camp in the local woods, where a legendary monster named Little Sister is rumored to exist. As they defy all advice, one by one they soon fall victim to a family of deformed killers.”

Set ‘em up, knock ‘em down. As monster names go, a little more thought should’ve went into “Little Sister.” All little sisters are monsters, so not seeing the point where that would be scary.

GEO-DISASTER (available now/VOD)
“A family in Los Angeles finds themselves in the center of a super volcano, a mega earthquake and a twister. While the world prepares for this near apocalyptic event, our heroes must survive on their own skills and wit to find safe passage.”

All you have to do is look at the title of this one and you’ll already know whose behind this preceding rip-off of Geo-Storm (2017) — The Asylum, a film studio globally known for being blatant movie plagiarists. You better hope they don’t get wind of the film biopic of your life — they’ll just change the title (make it plural) and recast you as a loser with cheap, digital special effects going off right next to your altered-just-enough-to-be-legal face.

ESCAPE ROOM (October 17, 2017)
To celebrate his 30th birthday, Tyler’s girlfriend, Kristen, takes him and two other couples to play the latest craze: ESCAPE ROOM. In an escape room, you are locked in a room and given one hour to figure out cryptic clues in order to escape. The group is led into a locked room and the clock starts ticking. They quickly sense something is wrong, the puzzles become increasingly difficult and increasingly deadly. One by one the escape room claims a new victim and the surviving players realize they are no longer playing a game; they are playing for their lives.”

Um, is this not the premise of Cube (1997) and/or Saw (2004)? I bet they went to a carnival funhouse or a corn maze to research the idea.

Finnish Superheroes, Hitler Dinosaurs, Vampire Neighbors

Been watching the new Marvel™ TV series Iron Fist on Netflix™. There are good aspects and some so bad it causes involuntary facial flinching. Daniel Rand, introduced as a kid who lost his corporate rich mom and dad in a relaxing vacation plane wreck over the Himalayas, is rescued by invisible monks and raised for the next 15 years to be the next Iron Fist, solely designed to wipe out the evil gang, The Hand. They beat him with sticks every day to reinforce their clenched mandate.

15 years later he shows up unexpectedly in downtown New York as a shoeless street bum (with hipster beard and an iPod™), trying to reconnect with his dad’s company. (He’s an heir worth billions and yet can’t afford socks, matching or otherwise.)

All of this I can get behind except they make him say and do stupid things. (Really bad chi-generating meditation moves and stilted kung-fu reference dialogue.) Worst, they give him a lava glowing fist that, when he’s provoked by violence, lights up and he can punch criminals and/or walls right in the sheet rock. Walls pretty much deserve it because they impede proper feng shui. Stupid walls.

All in all, mildly entertaining, but a surprising misstep by Marvel™, whose only blemish on a stellar track record has been The Fantastic Four. (Note to Marvel — PLEASE quite trying to make that one work. No one gives a crap about a guy who can stretch like a rubber band and another one who looks like passed kidney stones.)

Speaking of things to pass on, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be medically assisted to leave your body…

RENDEL (2017)
“A dark avenger is born when a worldwide corporation known as VALA launches an untested vaccine called Nh25 into the market by bribing, threatening, and killing every official opposing them.

Rendel unleashes his own special kind of hell against VALA, threatening to put an end the distribution of Nh25 As blood spills and the money burns, VALA recruits a group of mercenaries to do what they seemingly can’t, eliminate Rendel permanently.”

Rendel is Finland’s first superhero movie. About time they jumped on the bandwagon. Heck, I’m filming my own superhero movie as we speak: Yell Man: Neighbor Wars (pending $10 million crowd-funding.) Sounds like Rendel is a cross between Spawn (1997) and, well, me (I have a suit just like his, so you can see why people would make the connection. And by people, I mean me.) Despite a personal affront, looking forward to this one.

LIVING AMONG US (2017)
“A documentary crew is sent in to interview a family of vampires whose existence has been made known to the world. But soon the crew realizes their very lives are in danger as they uncover a deadly secret and must fight for survival.”

Sounds like they took the framework of Fright Night (1985) and went to town with it. So vampires are living next door. Might be time to order some garlic polo shirts and Internet-ordered wooden stakes and go door-to-door because now I’m thinking those aren’t just a-holes living next to me, but bloodsucking a-holes.

IRON SKY: THE COMING RACE (February 14, 2018)
“Twenty years after the events of Iron Sky, the former Nazi Moonbase has become the last refuge of mankind. Earth was devastated by a nuclear war, but buried deep under the wasteland lies a power that could save the last of humanity — or destroy it once and for all. The truth behind the creation of mankind will be revealed when an old enemy leads our heroes on an adventure into the Hollow Earth. To save humanity they must fight the Vril, an ancient shape-shifting reptilian race and their army of dinosaurs.”

You can look but you may not find anything as crazy cool as Iron Sky (2012). And now with it’s sequel (which I e-barfed about on November 11, 2014) is within release sight. The new trailer shows a reanimated Hitler riding a T-Rex like it was a hobby horse, looking to re-take the world from the inside out. (Turns out those hollow Earthers were right. My apologies.) Consider putting Iron Sky: The Coming Race on your to-do/bucket list.

LOVECRAFT COUNTRY (HBO/in-production)
“After his father goes missing, Black joins up with his friend Letitia and his Uncle George to embark on a road trip across 1950s Jim Crow America to find him. This begins a struggle to survive and overcome both the racist terrors of white America and the malevolent spirits that could be ripped from a Lovecraft paperback.”

Racists and dark god entities. And how does this differ from the current political administration? You’ve already seen this — every night on the news.

Boogeyman Comes Out Of The Closet

As a kid Tim saw his dad get taken by the Boogeyman when he was just old enough to be traumatized for life by the unfortunate experience. Tim’s older now and has a girlfriend who puts up with him sleeping on the floor and not having anything stored in closets – except Boogeymen. That’s not good feng-shui.

Tim’s ghost mom tells him to go back to the family home and the scene of the dad-taking. Really good idea. There Tim discovers a history of children being taken by the Boogeyman, him being one if his “protective” dad hadn’t gotten in the way.

All of this is just an excuse to get Tim to go into the closet, which he does. It acts as a time portal, transporting him back and forth to his old bedroom. Why he didn’t use it to go to the store is a glaring plot hole.

Solid creep-out moments, including the ghost kid victims of Boogeyman and bathtubs filled with blood instead of hot soapy bubbles and shampoo bottles. Taking it one step further, Boogeyman turns into electricity and possesses toys.

Through an overly-long set-up, Tim finally grows a sac and throws a solid slobberknocker, sending Boogeyman back to the place of coats, shoe boxes filled with pictures instead of shoes, and some other junk you don’t use anymore. This paves the way for several sequels no one asked for.

Boogeyman (2005) is a sorta nice spin on a fond childhood memory, though B-man should probably stay out of that one box in my closet marked “Evidence.”

Baby-sitting For The Devil

A college sophomore chick so desperate for money, she takes a baby-sitting job (for $400!) at a double creepy house located way out in the woods. It was a set-up to violently extract her soul. By the time the first act of soul violence happens, just over 60 of the movie’s 95 minutes has gone by.

This means it took an hour to establish a girl reluctantly accepting the job in a double creepy house for creepy people on the night of a full lunar eclipse. An hour. I could have read the Necronomicon in that amount of time (the paperback version).

While there’s no evil black gunk on the walls or furniture, there is a bloody pentagram in the attic with a few nicely arranged bodies laying around it. Good feng shui. However, with only a few minutes left, they try and cram in as much remaining plot as possible, with the girl being added (tied) to the pentagram by way of a drugged pizza (really?). Some old witch woman is drawing demonic stick figures on her college stomach. This is done using the artistic medium of blood. (Looked like drugged pizza sauce to me.)

I was hoping something called The House of the Devil (2009) would actually have the Devil in it. I’ve had more evil times in your grandparent’s place. So if a creepy old dude asks you to baby-sit on a lunar eclipse, tell him you’re busy that night eating drugged pizza and making crank calls on your rotary phone.

Invoking Ghosts Past and Present

Haunted house movies seem to be all the rage these days. I don’t know why – the ghosts in all these films do the exact same thing: open and shut doors, wastefully turn on and off the lights, make sounds in rooms you’re not currently in, rearrange the furniture in a way that is very displeasing to feng shui… But hey, I’ll take a ghost movie over, say, non-alcoholic beer any day of the week.

The latest one to cash in is The Invoking, which borrows liberally from just about every other haunted house movie ever made in the history of the world. For starters, the first sales art for The Invoking looks a heckuva lot like The Conjuring (2013). Not cool.

But here’s where they take us through even more familiar territory…

“After inheriting a house from a family that she never knew, Sam and three friends take a road trip to inspect the remote property. Soon after Sam arrives, old memories come seeping back while jealousy and unspoken tension among the friends is forced to the surface.”

“Sam soon finds herself unable to tell the difference between reality and horrible visions of brutality she can’t escape, and while her world crumbles around her, she discovers the current horrors may be tied directly to her past.”

You’d think they could come up with something a little more original. If this was my movie, the first thing I’d do is put a robot in there. You can never go wrong with robots. Also, ghosts can’t scare robots. Neither can poltergeists.

Secondly, for spooky effect, I’d turn on and off the lights really fast. I know it’s been done over and over, but I just love doing that. It’s a cheap and easy way to turn any room into a rave and…

OK, I’ll stop now.