3-Headed Shark Attack

In the beginning here was Jaws (1975), a shark with but one head to bite you in half.

Then came 2-Headed Shark Attack in 2012. It was fake-y looking and appeared to be more of a stuffed animal than a twice-fold apex predator. It bit vacationing college students in half.

Now comes 3-Headed Shark Attack (July 11, 2015) with three times the appetite, looking to bite a bigger share of the ratings. The plot is your basic “line ’em up and chomp ”em down” scenario: “The world’s greatest killing machine is three times as deadly when a mutated shark threatens a cruise ship. As the shark eats its way from one end of the ship to the next, the passengers fight the deadly predator using anything they can find.”

Ugh. I could be in a shark’s belly for a week, crapped out onto a polluted beach, my gushy remains pecked at by seagulls, and still come up with a better plot than that. But hey, if a three-headed shark, which admittedly looks kinda cool, isn’t enough to sink yer boat, the “movie” also stars genre king Danny Trejo and pro-wrestling legend Mr. Monday Night – Rob Van Dam.

Wonder how 3-Headed Shark Attack would stand up against Japan’s Double-Headed Jaws (2012)? (Note: I think Double-Headed Jaws is the Japanese release of 2-Headed Shark Attack. Crappy movie, but way better title.)

Even though a shark with any amount of heads could bite me in half, I’m really starting to feel sorry for what pop culture/Hollywood/you are doing to them.

Meat – It’s Good For Every Body

 

You gotta be careful who you meat, uh, meet online. Noelle and Adam connect in an online chat room called In The Garden of Eatin’ (OK, I made that part up) that’s full of delicious new people. They agree to meet in person, hold hands, smooch and rub each other’s tender loins.

 As it turns out Noelle has a taboo-esque fetish involving the consuming of human flesh. As it also happens, Adam has a unique personality tick as well – to have his flesh dined upon. What are the odds of meeting your dinner mate on the web?

Through artsy flashbacks, sparse dialogue (“Why won’t you cut out my spleen and grill it for dinner? Don’t you love me?” OK, I made that part up) and romantic music, both get their wish. The problem is, the extracting of grillables (only internal organs, not the flavor-laden buttsteak or femur soup bones) and shocking lack of blood and gore totally ruin this meal, to say nothing of the Art Institute™ level of acting.

I never thought I’d ever have to say a cannibal movie was boring, but Diary of a Cannibal (2006) left a bad taste in my mouth – and not in a good way.