Frightful Voices, Shark Cravings, Shiny Giants

One of the better and hammy fun vampire movies of the ‘80s is Fright Night (1985), wherein a stylish, manscaped vampire moves next door to Charley Brewster, a teen a horror movie fan, who discovers his new neighbor’s penchant for sucking down neck Slurpees™. Charley enlists the help of local TV horror movie host/vampire hunter Peter Vincent (played by Planet of the Apes’ Cornelius), to expose his neighbor’s vampiric activities. The wild stuff that happens from there (sorry, no spoilers) cemented Fright Night’s cult status among horror fans, and was even remade in 2011.

Chris Sarandon, who played Jerry Dandrige, Fright Night’s the lethally smooth vampire, also starred as police detective Mike Norris in 1988’s Child’s Play (he was the guy who shot the criminal guy who, before he could die, voodoo’d himself into a plastic doll and became Chucky), and was the voice of Jack Skellington in 1993’s animated “horror” classic, The Nightmare Before Christmas. His work in horror includes 1977’s The Sentinel, 1991’s The Resurrected, Bordello of Blood in 1996, and a cameo in the 2011 Fright Night remake. (P.S. Fright Night 2: New Blood came out 2013, but he wasn’t in it. Neither was I.) And Sir Sarandon recently returned to the FN universe by voicing A. Jack Ulkrich novel Fright Night: Origins in audiobook format. This is fantastic news for people who don’t know how to read. (Hey, I was wet nursed on TV. Quit judging me.)

Here are the particulars: “You think you know the whole story, don’t you? High school isn’t going well for teenage horror fan Charley Brewster, still dealing with the loss of his father, he finds himself in his first serious relationship with the vibrant and beautiful Amy Peterson. If new love wasn’t complicated enough Charley is also failing Trigonometry. Late one night while cramming for a test Charley spies something suspicious in the yard next door, two men carrying what appears.to be a coffin. What’s going on in the old Victorian House and who are Charley’s new neighbors?”

Fright Night: Origins comes in four Amazon Audible™ options: Kindle™ ($1.99), Audiobook ($0.00), hardcover ($32.99) and paperback ($16.99). Pick your poison here. And while you’re reliving the undead, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be improved by having ’em read to you…

UNDYING / Out now (VOD)

“A tragic car accident puts a woman in a two year coma. She wakes up to find her fiancee is dead and her friends have abandoned her. So she calls on an evil spirit to raise her fiancee from the dead and exact revenge. But revenge always comes with a price.”

Your friends bailed because you were basically a leftover meatloaf for two years. It’s not like they ran out, leaving you to pay the bar tab. And that’s punishable by death by an evil spirit? Geez, some coma patients are so cranky if they don’t get enough — or too much —sleep.

VENUS / Out now (VOD)

“After being caught stealing from her employers, club dancer Lucía seeks shelter with her estranged sister and niece in the Venus, a decrepit apartment complex on the outskirts of Madrid. Soon, Lucía discovers the apartment complex harbors a dark secret threatening to reveal itself after an unexpected solar eclipse.”

I thought all eclipses were solar. They could’ve just said eclipse.

NO SHARK / Out now (Tubi™)

“In this darkly comedic and uniquely angsty journey, twelve vignettes chronicle a young woman’s inner monologue as she visits various NYC beaches in hopes of fulfilling her dream of being eaten by a shark.”

Why is it every gal I meet wants to be eaten by a shark? It’s giving me a complex.

SHIN ULTRAMAN / January 12, 2023 (Fathom™)

“As the threat of giant unidentified lifeforms known as S-Class Species worsens in Japan, a silver giant appears from beyond Earth’s atmosphere.”

As if it needs to be said, the world could use more silver giants wearing shiny tight pants.

Big Screen Kaijus, Mutant Snakes, Tavern Terrors

To get your mouth slobbered up for Godzilla Day (November 3, 2022), Fathom Events™ and Toho International™ are bringing Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla (2002) to over 450 nationwide theaters. That’s the good news. The reverse of that: this is a one-day screening only on the aforementioned November 3, 2022.

The press release from Toho: “By partnering with Fathom™, we are able to treat our U.S.-based fans to a sensational Godzilla film they have never been able to see before. And with Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla hitting hundreds of theaters, there will be plenty of opportunities for fans to see it on the big screen. It’s the perfect way to celebrate Godzilla Day,” said Lora Cohn, managing director of international licensing, Toho International™.

As the movie is 20 years old, you may not have heard about or seen it. A refresher: “In Godzilla Against Mechagodzilla, a new Godzilla causes the JSDF to construct a cyborg countermeasure from the original monster’s remains. The beast’s restless soul is discovered to inhabit the machine.”

While you click like mad to get tickets, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make slobber within your mouth… 

DEEP SEA MUTANT SNAKE / Out now (YouTube™)

“Qin Yu’s fiancée died while investigating the sinister Cass group. In order to successfully testify against this group in court, Qin Yu followed Jason, who had evidence of the group’s crimes, on a cruise. By mistake, they visit the island where the Cass Corporation conducts illegal experiments. The strange ecological environment of the island and the re-emergence of giant snakes put Qin Yu and others in a desperate and deadly situation.”

Qin Yu and the others should think twice about putting on rodent-scented sunblock during their stay at Mutant Snake Island. P.S. This was titled Deep Sea Snake Disaster in China where it was released in August 2022. I’m betting you missed it.

BRIDGE OF THE DOOMED / November 4, 2022 (Blu-ray, DVD, VOD)

“A group of soldiers are ordered to hold a bridge during a zombie outbreak. However, what lives underneath the bridge, proves to be even more deadly.”

What could possibly be more deadly than zombies living under a bridge? It’s gotta be a troll. Or two trolls. One troll is pretty freakin’ deadly. But two trolls? Forget about it…

NIGHT OF THE TOMMYKNOCKERS / November 18, 2022 (Digital)

“1856: When blasting for gold a group of miners accidentally release ancient creatures known as Tommyknockers. The town of Deer Creek, Nevada is soon under siege with only a handful of survivors held up in the local saloon.”

Seeking refuge in a saloon recalls Grabbers (2012), wherein a small island off the coast of Ireland is invaded by bloodsucking aliens. The surviving townsfolk hole up in a tavern and proceed to get stinking drunk. Not just for fun and happiness, but because the aliens can’t suck on them due to all the alcohol in their systems. Note to extraterrestrials who may be reading this: you know where to find me. 

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER / Pending release, 2023 (Netflix™)

“Roderick Usher and his twin sister Madeline live in a mansion that Roderick believes is alive and exercises some degree of control over its inhabitants. Madeline suffers from strange, deathlike trances and Roderick is experiencing worsening mental illness and hysteria. The story charts a family falling into madness and isolation in an epic tale of greed, horror and tragedy.”

This is based on the Edgar Allan Poe short story published in 1839. I did not know time went back that far. If you’re familiar with the classic supernatural tale, Roderick has more problems than a “special” first name. Start with the glowing lake outside and that big crack running though the house. And you don’t wanna know what’s making all that racket in the bathroom plumbing.