Archive for Fate

Undead Ale, God Powers, Drug Bugs

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, demons, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Just when you think drinking couldn’t get any more fun, Zombeer™, brewed in Russia, is bottled with uniquely clever packaging: a three-layered sticker label that, when scratched, creates a whole new design with alternate zombies. As the sales sheet instructs, “Tear your human casing apart leave human worries behind and become a zombie.” Awesomely awesome. But if I’m drinking beer, that means I already left my human worries behind.

From brewery’s press release: “Zombeer™ is brewed by small Moscow brewery Solod™ in the Belgian style and has a high density and strength. Enjoy a complex taste of malt sweetness with a hint of caramel, chocolate and dried fruits. Fermented in a bottle.” The irony here is, when you drink beer, YOU become fermented.

While I wait for a case of it to be shipped to me (only set me back 34376.07 Rubles), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not make you feel like scratching your face off…

ISLAND / Out now (Amazon Prime™)

Evil took its first step to destroy the world. On the mysterious Jeju Island, the gateway to this, Van is a mix of human and monster. Won Mi-ho is the center of fate. And Johan is exercises God’s power. The all come together in this strange, yet captivating, action-packed exorcism fantasy, in which they fight evil, sharing the fate of saving the world — and to defy their own.”

Hard top pick which super power I’d want. Since I’m already a mix tape of human and monster, it’d be cool to be the center of fate, if only to wield as a bar trick. Having God’s power means you get to live in the sky and make people give you money in order to worship you. And you wouldn’t even need a Stargate to get around town. I’ll go with that one.  

BIRDEMIC 3: SEA EAGLE / January 24, 2023 (VOD)

“When global warming triggers chaos along the Northern California coast, two scientific researchers will discover tender romance, appalling CGI, automatic weapons, and attacks by sea eagles that could lead to the extinction of life on Earth.”

There is no place for romance in a world under attack by sea eagles using their beaks of doom to cause global extinction. Quit being love birds and let the grisly gulls bestow an epic party fowl on humanity.

WOMAN OF THE PHOTOGRAPHS / February 7, 2023 (VOD)

“Kai, a solitary and skilled digital photographer, begins a twisted romance with a model suffering from body dysmorphia and obsessed with appearing perfect in her photos.”

Dysmorphia is defined as having mental disorder characterized by the “obsessive idea that some aspect of one’s own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it.” No wonder women buy so much makeup.

SWALLOWED / February 14, 2023 (VOD)

“After a drug run goes bad, two friends must survive a nightmarish ordeal of drugs, bugs and horrific intimacy in this backwoods body-horror thriller.”

Just say no to bugs.

Schlock Film Fest, Banker Ghosts, Superman’s Face

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

For those keeping up with the butt-clenchingly anticipated Justice League movie (November 17, 2017), there’s been a few recent issues. First, they’re doing $25 million in re-shoots. (I have a cape — they could’ve brought me in to save the day for half that.)

Secondly, they’re having to digitally remove Superman’s mustache. Here’s a quote by Chris Morgan on IGN.com: “The mustache that Henry Cavill grew for Mission: Impossible 6 has been in the news quite a bit recently due to it resulting in reported complications surrounding the Justice League reshoots.” Played by Henry Cavill, apparently it’s cheaper to Photoshop out his facial hair than to shave.

So am I the only one who remembers the full on beard and mustache Superman had in 2013’s Man of Steel? As long as he doesn’t sport a man ponytail, I’m not seeing a problem here.

On that fuzzy note, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that or may not Photoshop the hair off your face…

The Flesh

Cult Epics/American Genre Film Archive
(July 27 – October 26, 2017)

“For 25 years, boutique freaky film label Cult Epics has amassed a large following for distributing the most sought-after, obscure, provocative and previously unknown films to the home video market in North America. Now, Cult Epics have teamed with AGFA (American Genre Film Archives) to bless some of their signature titles — which are also some of the world’s most notorious international shocker — 35mm theatrical releases.”

This is good news to schlock movie fans, of which I am one of a heckuva lot. (In fact, just call me Legion, for I am many.) While I’ve seen all of these movies, why not see ‘em again on the big screen whilst eating stale popcorn and guzzling smuggled airline bottles of refreshing adult beverages? I knew you’d agree with me. Here’s the official initial theatrical schedule:

In A Glass Cage (35mm) Qfest (Houston, TX), July 27

Viva La Muerte (35mm) Cinefamily (Los Angeles, CA), August 25th

Viva La Muerte (35mm) Metrograph (NYC, NY), September (t.b.c.)

Angst (DCP) Austin Film Society (Austin, TX), October 14th

Death Bed That Eats (DCP) Alamo Yonkers (greater NYC area, NY), October 25th

Death Bed That Eats (DCP) Ark Lodge Cinema (Seattle, WA), October 26th

Fate

FATE (August 15, 2017/VOD)
“A brilliant quantum physicist is on the verge of discovering the secret of the space time continuum when the government shuts him down. His quest to see his research to the end becomes paramount when his fiancé is killed. His only hope to avert his lonely fate is to travel back in time and save her life.”

Pffft — I discovered the secret of the space time continuum the first time I got drunk. Haven’t learned how to travel back in time, though. Don’t think I want to be doing that. First, there’s the Butterfly Effect, which could spell doom for a few of you. Secondly, there’s some people I probably owe money to and while they’re hunting for me in yesterday’s world, I’m safely hidden from them in the future, Ha — collect on that, b*tches!

The Vault

THE VAULT (September 1, 2017/Limited/VOD)
“In order to save their brother Michael’s life, the Dillon sisters, Leah and Vee have organized a bank robbery, but when the upstairs vault doesn’t have enough money to cover Michael’s debt, on the advice of Assistant Bank Manager Ed Maas, they drill into the downstairs vault. But the bank’s basement hides a terrible secret and before long, the Dillons have to choose whether to face the police outside or the terrible supernatural forces in the vault below.”

Never thought of storing demons in a bank vault. I always thought a double bagged supernatural entity could be wrangled with one ‘o them the FoodSaver® FM2000 Vacuum Sealing Systems. Pop a demon in the bag, suck out the air, toss it in the freezer and bingo, no more hauntings! But I guess a bank vault would be suitable as well. It’s just a refurbed Foodsaver® is only $32 fun coupons. You can be a ghost buster on a budget!

The Sound

THE SOUND (2017/2018)
“Kelly is a writer and a skeptic of the supernatural. As a specialist in acoustic physics she uses low frequency tactile sound-waves to debunk reported paranormal activities for her online blog. When presented a new case of a supposedly haunted subway station Kelly sets off to uncover the truth behind the hoax that involves a 40-year-old unexplained suicide. Her investigation takes her deep into the abandoned station where her skepticism is tested. As Kelly ascends into the depths of the metro’s darkness she is confronted by an unforeseen evil. In the vastness, she must face her own haunted memories to find the truth and surface back into the light.”

Skeptics crack me up — they’re always quick to debunk you and your experiences until it happens to them. Talk about your fair weather fans. I bet they don’t go to baseball games either until their hometown team starts winning. So when Kelly starts ranting to you about unforeseen evil, give her a dollar to go away.