Archive for exorcisms

Color Coordinated Aliens, Devil Diapers, Burning Man Zombies

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, UFOs, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Christopher Shy

Horror/sci-fi/fantasy artist Christopher Shy should be a billionaire for his stunning illustrative interpretations of classic genre movies like Alien (1979), A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), Salem’s Lot (1979), The Shining (1980), The Walking Dead (2018) and more. Maybe he already is in a higher tax bracket; I haven’t tried to borrow money from him. Yet.

Christopher Shy

These ridiculously brilliant art pieces are not only suitable for framing, but belong in a museum that doesn’t smell like wet books. Shy founded Ronin Studios in 1994 and has arted for movie companies like Lionsgate and Marvel, as well as acrylically expressing himself for Dark Horse Comics and more. Wonder how much he’d charge to paint my house to look like the demon rental cabin in The Evil Dead (1981)? Probably more bit coins than I currently have in my bit piggy bank.

Christopher Shy

While you drool over these magnificent art of works, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to distract you from the fact you’re not as talented as Christopher Shy

The Possessed

THE POSSESSED (April 6, 2018)
“When two documentary students venture into a small rural village, they witness a local ‘soul restoring’ ceremony. Upon investigation, they’re introduced to an exorcist who educates them on the exorcisms performed throughout the village’s history.”

I wanna be an exorcist when I grow up. You get to travel to exotic trailer parks, meet people who swear, float and puke gas station food, and make a difference to people who clearly take the bible literally. 

Bus Party To Hell

BUS PARTY TO HELL (April 13, 2018)
“When a party bus on its way to Burning Man filled with a bunch of sexy young adults breaks down in the desert and in the middle of a group of Satanic worshipers, all hell literally breaks loose. A massacre leaves seven survivors trapped on the bus, fighting for their lives while wondering if someone or someones are not what they seem.”

Not seeing the difference to the part buses that go to Burning Man every year. This one has zombie mummies, as well. Unless you’re a naked hippie attending Burning Man, the next popular dress code is being a mummy. More effective than sun block.

Gray Matter

GRAY MATTER ( April 20, 2018)
“After a meteorite crashes to earth awakening the extraterrestrial creature within, a young woman is abducted by an alien ‘gray’ to aide in hunting down and destroying the creature before it can reach a second meteorite that fell to earth decades earlier unleashing its deadly infestation of earth.”

I thought charcoal-colored aliens were called ‘greys’, not ‘grays.’ Calling ‘em Grays means they should accessorize with colors like seafoam, rose, marshmallow and cherry to properly color coordinate. If you’re an alien, this will match your season and help to blend in with hipster corporate executives and Mormons. 

The Sitter

THE SITTER (June, 2018)
Charlotte, a broke college student, gets a gig to house sit for an eccentric couple for a long weekend. She couldn’t believe how lucky she is. When darkness falls, things start to take a far more sinister turn. Charlotte is unable to shake the feeling that her every move is being watched and it is not long before her worst fears are confirmed — there is something else in the house with her…”

Um, was this not the exact same premise of House of the Devil (2009)? In that one the broke college student earns her pay by changing the diapers of the Devil, an experience later described as “hellish.” Heh.

Hunting Demons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 3, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Demon Hunter

Oh, that sneaky Asmodeus, up to his old tricks again. As a demon vampire he’s knocking up hookers to carry his demon seeds to cause all sorts of heckaroo on Earth. But Jake the Demon Hunter, with all the emotion of a DMV clerk, is out to stop him. It’s his job – and his boss is the Cardinal (head religious guy, not the red bird or one of the St. Louis baseball players).

Demon Hunter

Jake is good at cleaning up botched exorcisms: he beats the Hell out of the possessed. But the church wants him to go after Asmodeus because A’s unsavory ’n evil ’n stinky. Along to assist is a nun who is a supermodel. On Asmodeus’ team is a Succubus who wants to give Jake a hellishly delightful hummer – and almost succeeds, except Jake, being half human and half demon himself, knows all the catches to that sort of deal. She’ll probably wanna hang out afterward, go shopping and buy a puppy together. Not in Jake’s plan.

Demon Hunter

But Asmodeus turns out to be a freakin’ wuss and doesn’t do anything cool except throw a few decent punches. The Succubus, at least, has flappy demon wings and weird fleshy horns that look like deformed cow udders poking out of her head. But it’s Sarah, the hot nun, who becomes the real star – right after she turns into a demon herself and removes Asmodeus’ left spleen.

Demon Hunter

Sarah and Jake go at it, Jake wins, the church is happy, but there’s way too many unanswered questions. Where did the Succubus go after Jake stabbed her in the boob? What happened to all the hot vampire hookers that were made “with demon child” up by Asmodeus? How did the church already know Sarah was a demon? And what did Jake mean when he told ’em, “Oh, yeah? Well I have a plan, too!”?

Demon Hunter

Demon Hunter (2005) is loaded with topless eye candy and even a crotch shot (thankfully female), but little else to convince us Jake is the demon hunting badass the DVD cover wants us to believe.