Vampire Princesses, Serial Killers, Chick Robots

I’ve long known that the National UFO Reporting Center is located in Davenport, right here in Washington State, just shy of a five hour easterly drive from where I’m lounging around in my unmentionables. Thought it might be cool to call them up and chat about all things unidentified and/or flying. Didn’t have any sightings to tell them about, just wanted to see what’s up with UFOs these days. (269 reports in February — down from 310 in January. Maybe flying saucers aren’t beer-running as much now that Amazon Prime™ delivers right to your styrofoam fridge.)

Here’s their number in case you want to report an alien invasion: (206) 722-3000. Or if you don’t have a phone (social misfit), visit their website at www.nuforc.org. They do important work.

And on an unrelated topic, here are some identified new horror movies landing soon near you…

THE LAST VAMPIRE PRINCESS (March 16, 2017/UK – 2017/2018 U.S.)
“Pasha is a delivery boy for an express delivery service in Moscow. One evening he is delivering a parcel to a hotel, when he witnesses an attack on a mysterious guest of the hotel named Dana. Pasha steps in and saves the girl from her attackers, who possess amazing, supernatural powers. Representatives of secret intelligence agencies arrive on the scene of the incident and proceed to offering Pasha a job in the top secret Department D that deals with evil spirits, performing daily accounting and control of all the non-human creatures that live in the city, such as poltergeists, goblins and mermaids.”

Man, this one sounds cool. I wanna work for Department D — might be my only chance to hook up (heh) with a mermaid.

THE ABDUCTION OF JENNIFER GRAYSON (March 28, 2017)
“Kidnapped after spurning a man’s advances, a young woman slowly falls for the charms of her captor. He eventually sets her free, but is he the serial killer the police have been hunting for? Only Jennifer Grayson can help them stop him once and for all.”

Not a fan of serial killer horror movies. They’re like the karaoke of violence. That, and since we see this stuff all the time in real life and at the grocery store, who really cares?

SHE-BORG MASSACRE (April 19, 2017)
“When an alien fugitive crash lands into a local puppy farm and begins turning people into mutated robot killing machines with a taste for puppy flesh, Dylan and Eddie, two self-proclaimed political activists, are all that stand between the Earth and total domination. Forced into a ‘dare to be great’ situation that neither are prepared for, the two BFFL’s must fight their way past cops, city officials and cybernetic dog butchers in order to destroy the evil Sheborg and save the planet!”

Puppy flesh?!? What’s for dessert — a Kit Kat™ candy bar made out of a real cat? Pretty ballsy to use that as a plot device, given the billions of dog and cat owners that would serial kill you for even insinuating harm towards an animal.

 ROCK PAPER DEAD (2017)
“After 10 years, serial killer, Peter ‘the Doll Maker’ Harris returns as a ‘cured man’ to his ancestral family home after being released from the state’s hospital for the criminally insane. Once inside the old house, anguished memories from a tortured childhood and ghostly visitations from his past victims shake Peter’s resolve. It isn’t until lovely young Ashley enters his life that Peter makes a fateful decision, one that will rekindle old desires that always ended in murder.”

This one was supposed to come out in 2016. Seems like a long time ago and feels like anguished memories. So yep, YET ANOTHER serial killer movie with a plot that appear to have come from a Wal-Mart clearance sale. Hope there’s a return policy.

And because I missed your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/bar mitzvah/misc., here is yest another cool new Kong: Skull Island poster, just for you…

Suicidal Ghosts

After their young daughter was found murdered in her bed, mom and dad go to a cabin deep in the woods to work out their grief. (Pffft – they’re probably gonna go make another daughter.) The cabin is situated near the abandoned Ives Prison. Why a federally-funded prison would be that far out in the dingles makes one’s eyebrow arch in a suspicious manner.

The wife is a photographer who still uses film. She takes pictures of the prison and after developing said photos, sees the image of Emma, her dead daughter. So she starts snapping lots of pictures, thinking little not-so-much-alive Emma is trying to contact her FROM THE INCARCERATED BEYOND.

But other weird doo doo is getting its ghostly groove on. The evil spirits of the cabin’s former residents keep popping up in mirrors, TV reflections, bathrooms when you’re trying to have a private moment… The married couple that previously died in the cabin killed themselves – she by slicing her wrists in the bathtub with her boobs showing, and he in the shed by eating a small but nutritious bullet Happy Meal™. Mr. & Mrs. Violent Suicide keep returning to do some evil haunting. FYI: Mr. & Mrs. VS weren’t evil in life, but by being converted into death made them so. I guess it’s in the rules.

The neighbors are beginning to act strange. So the husband goes to the town library and researches the town’s history. Yep, suicides and fatal “accidents” have occurred with unusual regularity for years on the very same date that’s coming up. So he has to get his wife – who’s starting to go to crazy train – outta there. But she doesn’t want to leave because she’s convinced their daughter is trying to communicate without a Ouija™ board. How the prison and the deceased kid factors in to all of this isn’t really explained. Neither is the girl’s murder. (If it was, I missed it because I was friggin’ bored.)

A stretch of a ghost story that moves about as fast as a car without gas. Or a turtle without gas. Every time a ghost pops up, it’s done so with a loud sound so as to keep you from falling asleep. (I listen to loud musical compostions, so that didn’t work on me.) Even with the occasional bare boobie shot, Dark Remains (2005) is as lifeless as that little dead girl.

Horror With A Mortgage

A new family (guy marries a chick with kids, like that’s a good idea) moves into the ferociously haunted Amityville horror house, where a mass murder went down a year ago. (Note to whomever: it wasn’t referred to that in the real estate brochures.)

Shortly thereafter, spook ass events happen at 3:15AM every flippin’ night: noises, thumpings, cross turnings… Sounds just like my neighbors. But all this paranormal stuff is making George Lutz, the newly married dad with a step family, seriously gooned out. Especially since he’s the only one who hears the demonic commotion.

Apparently, the house was built atop an ancient Native American burial ground. That’s like putting ketchup on an ice cream sundae. A discovered secret room in the basement reveals the source of all the evil angst and, along with the swarms of flies in the upstairs room, gives the Lutz’ good cause for abandonment.

Other paranormal fun time activities include a flying pig named Jodie (I would’ve named it Hover Pork), a chair that rocks by itself (I do the same thing) and hot and cold running demons. The Amityville Horror (1979) also comes complete with one of the more iconic horror movie soundtracks this side of The Exorcist (1973).

So if you’re gonna be forced from your house by evil spirits, you may as well have a little reconciliation music to go with your self-exploding furniture, basement oil pit and hover porkers.