Horror Massacre’d

The suggestive noun “massacre” – a 1580s, French word meaning “wholesale slaughter, carnage” – first got its Broadway movie marquee worthy start in 1974 with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Few, if any horror movies, has ever had a better title. You didn’t even need to see it as the name said it all and gave you nightmares in your pants.

This set off a series of horror movies using that highly marketable buzzword, including The Slumber Party Massacre (1982), Sorority House Massacre (1986), Nail Gun Massacre (1985), Swingers Massacre (1975), Drive-in Massacre (1977), and my fav, Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre (aka, Harpoon/2009). P.S. No whales were massacred during the filming of said movie – just endangered people.

Now, because it just seems right, “massacre” is making a comeback, despite the evening news tarnishing its reputation. Three new horror movies – Garden Party Massacre, The Funhouse Massacre and Sheborg Massacre, all have imminent release dates as it pertains to the calendar you’re looking at on your smartass phone.

Here’s press release sales pitches as to why you might let these movies massacre your wallet…

GARDEN PARTY MASSACRE
A fast-paced, hilarious romp in the vein of Shaun of the Dead (2004) and Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010), telling the tale of a backyard gathering of friends that goes horribly awry when an unexpected guest arrives. With a pickax. And an attitude.

THE FUNHOUSE MASSACRE
Six of the worlds scariest psychopaths escape from a local asylum and proceed to unleash terror on the unsuspecting crowd of a Halloween Funhouse whose themed mazes are inspired by their various reigns of terror.

SHEBORG MASSACRE
When an alien fugitive crash lands into a local puppy farm and begins turning people into machines that feed on puppy flesh, Dylan – a self styled tough girl and punk activist — has to decide if she believes in any cause enough to risk her life, take on the SheBorg menace, and save the world.

All three sound pretty cool. Doubtful they’ll instill as much horifying impact as the evening news, though. Thanks, mainstream media, for desensitizing me. Now all I do is laugh when watching horror movies. We weren’t supposed to do that.

Offensive Bunny

Haven’t been offended by weener nudity, graphic gore or micro-budgeted horror lately? Then you haven been watching enough evening news. So now you can get your depravity fix with Bunny The Killer Thing (release pending 2015).

Besides boasting a terribly lazy movie title, Bunny The Killer Thing’s trailer packs more offensive punch than most entire movies with all the stuff I mentioned in the first paragraph. And here’s a taste of what you’ll find…

“In the dark winter woods of Finland, a group of Finnish and British holiday makers are stuck in a cabin where they are terrorized by a creature which is half human, half rabbit called Bunny the Killer Thing, who is after anything that resembles the female genitals.”

Spoiler: The half human/half rabbit creature is a guy running around in a costume with an oversized rubber hangy doo dripping and flopping around. And here’s the really offensive part: the costume looks filthy and in all likelihood smells like a junior high school gym locker. Ick.