Archive for Escape Room

Godzilla: A Star Is Born, Monster Box Social, Brutally Honest Santa

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

Go fix your makeup, Andromeda; tighten up a notch, Orion’s Belt; go refill your water bucket, Aquarius — there’s literally a new star in town…GODZILLA!

Godzilla

The Hollywood gossip sheets are true for a change — NASA (National Aeronautics and Space Administration and home to a lot of lab coat wearers) has bestowed a heavenly distinction to Godzilla by being named a new constellation. Talk about dancing with the stars.

Godzilla

How NASA, the Academy Awards of Space, came to the conclusion that Godzilla needed his own Walk of Fame in the Galaxies: “Most of the gamma-ray sources visible in the Godzilla constellation are actually AGN, as are more than half the gamma-ray ‘stars’ Fermi has cataloged to date.

Godzilla

“Gamma-ray jets also occur in other types of astrophysical systems. When a massive star runs out of fuel and collapses under its own weight, or when two orbiting neutron stars spiral together and merge, a new black hole — and high-speed jets — may form. The result is a gamma-ray burst, the most powerful explosion in the cosmos. These monstrous blasts, which occur somewhere in the distant universe every day or so according to observations by Fermi’s Gamma-ray Burst Monitor, would make even Godzilla envious.”

Godzilla

While we congratulate Godzilla on becoming the Universe’s newest bad Gamma Jamma, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be visible as your black hole, son…

Monster Party

MONSTER PARTY (November 2, 2018)
“Three thieves plan a daring heist posing as waiters at a fancy Malibu mansion dinner party in hopes of paying off an urgent debt. When their plan goes horribly wrong, the trio realizes the dinner guests are not as innocent as they seem and their simple cash grab becomes a violent and desperate battle to get out of the house alive.”

The irony here being that if the criminals posed as waiters a rich people party, they could’ve easily earned enough tips to pay off their debt. This is why criminals are so STUPID.

Secret Santa

SECRET SANTA (November 5, 2018/UK)
“A Christmas Eve gathering takes an unexpected turn after a family guest spikes the punch with a military grade version of truth serum sodium pentothal. The already dysfunctional group comes unstuck in a blizzard of drug-induced, painfully candid outbursts, and upset soon turns to carnage after the head of the family runs amok with a fork, triggering festering loathings and savage reprisals.”

This sounds pretty fun/funny, except they really didn’t need to spike the punch with military-grade sodium pentothal to get everybody to go all truth or dare on each other. Eight or nine easily-purchased cans/bottles/cartons of beer achieves the same results — and at a much lower cost to you, the truthful consumer.

Escape Room

ESCAPE ROOM (January 4, 2019)
“Six strangers find themselves in circumstances beyond their control and must use their wits to find the clues or die.”

This sounds like a “copyright infringement homage” to Cube (1997) and Nine Dead (2009). If I had to use my wits to save my own life, you might as well go shopping for tombstones.

Happy Death Day 2 U

HAPPY DEATH DAY 2 U (February 14, 2019)
“This time, our hero Tree Gelbman discovers that dying over and over was surprisingly easier than the dangers that lie ahead.”

Didn’t see the first one (I forget what it was called). So a guy who dies over and over. Isn’t that called a typical work week? And who the heck names their kid “Tree”? I guess that makes his mom a tree hugger. After this movie, he’ll be branching out. I bet he pines after his ex. Strong chance he wakes up with morning wood. I can do this all day.

Copy Cat Storms, Super Jewelry, Alien Doctors

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

With little more than a month to go (from this e-barfing) before the glorious day Justice League comes out (November 17, 2017, to belabor the point), now comes YET ANOTHER series of character posters of Batman, Cyborg, Aquaman, The Flash, Wonder Woman and…Green Lantern? Wait — how can that be? He should never have been let into the Justice League in the first place if all his power comes from jewelry. (Wonder Woman’s earrings are tougher than he is.)

Justice League

But be still, dear readers. The fan-made poster, magnificently done, comes from BossLogic, who also did a Superman version (complete with a Batman moustache). So you could call it fake news, or just marvel that it completes the set nicely and therefore your mom’s basement where you live because you can’t find a job will have balanced feng shui.

Justice League

While we contemplate the spiritual ramifications of a Chinese philosophical system of harmonizing everyone with the surrounding environment (even though it is closely linked to Taoism), here are a few just-released horror and sci-fi movies to play on your television. Be sure to feng shui (angle) it properly to invite peace (tell everyone to shut up) and prosperity (someone bring over some beer) to your living room…

AfterImages

AFTERIMAGES (available now/VOD)
“A collection of horror films appear in the ashes after a group of friends burn paper effigy cameras as offerings to the dead.”

Cool premise — wonder if that works with burning paper effigies of been cans as offerings to the thirsty dead? If a case of beer appears in the ashes, best to put it in the fridge for a while as beer that burns your tongue should be illegal. (It’s still beer, so don’t throw it away, you craft cocktail swilling snobs.)

Patient Seventeen

PATIENT SEVENTEEN (available now/VOD)
“A surgeon claims to remove highly advance implants, nanotechnology microchips embedded by aliens, non-humans monitoring our Earth. Discover the world of abductions, Scalar wave transmissions, and a program to study or manipulate the human race. Armed with a patient, a scalpel, black lights and a stud finder; we seek to verify the authenticity of this alleged Off-World Implant Technology.”

Couple of things — first, why does a surgeon need a stud finder? That’s like a proctologist using a turkey baster. Secondly, what the heck are Scalar wave transmissions? Got me curious so I clicked it up — “Scalar waves are also called electromagnetic longitudinal waves, Maxwellian waves, or Teslawellen (Tesla waves). Variants of the theory claim that Scalar electromagnetics (also known as Scalar energy) is the background quantum mechanical fluctuations and associated zero-point energies.” Like I understood one nanosecond of that.

My Litter Sister

MY LITTLE SISTER (available now/VOD)
“A group of friends go against warnings not to camp in the local woods, where a legendary monster named Little Sister is rumored to exist. As they defy all advice, one by one they soon fall victim to a family of deformed killers.”

Set ‘em up, knock ‘em down. As monster names go, a little more thought should’ve went into “Little Sister.” All little sisters are monsters, so not seeing the point where that would be scary.

Geo_Disaster

GEO-DISASTER (available now/VOD)
“A family in Los Angeles finds themselves in the center of a super volcano, a mega earthquake and a twister. While the world prepares for this near apocalyptic event, our heroes must survive on their own skills and wit to find safe passage.”

All you have to do is look at the title of this one and you’ll already know whose behind this preceding rip-off of Geo-Storm (2017) — The Asylum, a film studio globally known for being blatant movie plagiarists. You better hope they don’t get wind of the film biopic of your life — they’ll just change the title (make it plural) and recast you as a loser with cheap, digital special effects going off right next to your altered-just-enough-to-be-legal face.

Escape Room

ESCAPE ROOM (October 17, 2017)
To celebrate his 30th birthday, Tyler’s girlfriend, Kristen, takes him and two other couples to play the latest craze: ESCAPE ROOM. In an escape room, you are locked in a room and given one hour to figure out cryptic clues in order to escape. The group is led into a locked room and the clock starts ticking. They quickly sense something is wrong, the puzzles become increasingly difficult and increasingly deadly. One by one the escape room claims a new victim and the surviving players realize they are no longer playing a game; they are playing for their lives.”

Um, is this not the premise of Cube (1997) and/or Saw (2004)? I bet they went to a carnival funhouse or a corn maze to research the idea.

Horror Icon, Sci-Fi God, Native American Ghosts

Posted in Aliens, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 18, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night of the Living Dead

In place of my usual incitefully snarky (ahem) blog entry intro, I’d like to express my saddened thoughts on the recent, untimely passing of legendary horror filmmaker George A. Romero, 77, who was inarguably the father of the contemporary zombie movie genre.

George, as you should know, was the man behind the timeless and rule-breaking Night of the Living Dead back in 1968. He went on to make such VHS stand-outs as The Crazies (1973), Dawn of the Dead (1978), and The Dark Half (1993), as well as more zombie legacy movies. George, you are, and will continue to be, greatly missed.

Here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may not be missed. Or may.

God Particle

GOD PARTICLE (October 27, 2017)
“A team of astronauts aboard a space station find themselves alone after a scientific experiment involving a particle accelerator makes the Earth vanish. When a space shuttle appears, the space station crew must fight for survival following their horrible discovery.”

The Internet (or “the biggest toilet in the matrix) is claiming this is the third installment of the sorta Cloverfield series. I sure the f-word hope so, as I had more than a few questions after the sorta sequel 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016). A few, though, had been answered by some rather impressive researched clues on YouTube™ that connects Cloverfield (2009) and the second flick-o-rama, with 10 Cloverfield Lane’s Howard Stambler (played by the awesome John Goodman) being the connecting link. (Crap — and all this time I thought it was the aliens.)

Wikipedia™ has this to say about that: “The first hints God Particle was connected to the Cloverfield brand came when a piece of the viral marketing for 10 Cloverfield Lane included a sound clip that was supposedly from the International Space Station.”

Rather than use up your vision with my half-assed summation, get on YouTube™ and pull up Cloverfield; you’ll be amazed — and aghast — that someone would spend so much time digging for very deep clues/answers. The only thing I research are bar stools.

Akuma

AKUMA (2017)
Akira Tanaka, a young and attractive but emotionally damaged Japanese woman moves to the United States to escape a past marked by tragedy. She moves in with her sister Hana and her new husband Adam, hoping to leave her demons behind and start a new life. But as Akira’s behavior grows increasingly erratic and strange disturbances mark the night, Akira is forced to reveal her real reason for coming: to flee the malevolent spirit that has been tormenting her since childhood…and which appears to have followed her here.”
Mohawk

MOHAWK (2017/2018)
“After one of her tribe sets an American soldiers’ camp ablaze, a young female Mohawk finds herself pursued by a ruthless band of renegades bent on revenge. Fleeing deep into the woods, Mohawk youths Oak and Calvin confront the bloodthirsty Colonel Holt and his soldiers. As the Americans seem to close in from all sides, the trio must summon every resource — both real and supernatural — as the brutal attack escalates.”

Man, I wish I could summon supernatural resources. First, I’d have them get me a Frisko Freeze™ burger, just to clear my mind. Then, I’d have them build me an in-ground swimming pool. And once they bring me a case of Budweiser™, I’d float in my new in-ground swimming pool and drink it all and, in a hazy state, would unleash utter Heck on Earth. And have another Frisko Freeze™ burger.

The Six Billion Dollar Man

THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN (2018)
Mark Wahlberg’s upcoming action adventure — The Six Billion Dollar Man — is an upgrade of the 1970s TV series The Six Million Dollar Man.”

Yeesh — that’s quite a price increase. Who do they think they are — Seattle landlords?

Some might remember the 1974 ABC series, starring Lee Majors as Col. Steve Austin, who had a near fatal car ka-BOOM and taxpayers funded his bionic arms, legs (and everything else that dangled) with hi-techery. Two things I remember from that TV show, which also spun-off The Bionic Woman in 1976. (She was rebuilt after a skydiving accident made her go splat.) First, Col. Austin always seemed to be wearing a red track suit. Unfashionable in any decade. Secondly, was that weirdly cool science-y reverb noise — sounding like a snapped bed spring — that happened every time he did something with his bionic add-ons. It’s available as a ringtone in case you want to be retro chic.

Evil, Evil, Evil and…Ghosts

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 24, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Holy Terror

Cut myself shaving the other day. Then I cut my peanut butter spreading hand while making a sandwich with a chef-grade butcher knife. Then I cut my back-up hand on what appeared to be diamond edged paper. Then I cut my elbow/neck/rib cage on some barbed wire. (Hey, it was in the dumpster — finder’s keepers.) I feel like I’m both the slasher and the slashee.

While I change my bandages, here’s some upcoming horror movies that are hopefully a cut above the rest. C’mon — that was a clever tie-in. Geez, tough crowd.

HOLY TERROR (April 1, 2017)
“Believing their deceased son isn’t at peace, Molly and Tom ask a medium to make contact. But after they invite a vengeful demon to cross over, the couple must enlist the help of a disgraced priest to attempt a dangerous exorcism.”

How come it’s always a disgraced priest who gets the call to clean-up on aisle four? If the Devil knows your secrets (which is why Satan never loses at poker), then you’re setting yourself up for a real embarrassing social situation.

A Dark Song

A DARK SONG (April 28, 2017 / VOD / Limited)
“A determined young woman and a damaged occultist risk their lives and souls to perform a dangerous ritual that will grant them what they want.”

Isn’t that what a slot machine does? (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve risked my soul on the Mega Meltdown slot. What can I say — I’m a sucker for pictures of lava.

Another Evil

ANOTHER EVIL (2017)
“After encountering a ghost in their vacation home, Dan and his wife Mary consult an exorcist. Unsatisfied with the verdict, Dan goes behind his wife’s back to seek a second opinion, and secretly hires Os, who promises to get rid of the beings. Os and Dan spend a week together in the vacation home exorcising the “EFD” (Evil Fully Determined) beings, but Dan soon realizes that ridding the home of evil won’t be as simple as it seems.”

A ghost squatter. That’s a new one. Wonder if it’s a ghost of a hippie, who are known to squat in real estate that isn’t legally theirs? A little Iron Maiden (dealer’s choice) played at hippie melting levels should solve that problem real quick.

Escape Room

ESCAPE ROOM (2017)
“Four friends decide to partake in a popular escape room horror attraction, only to find themselves stuck inside with a demonically possessed killer. They only have one hour to solve the room and escape with their lives.”

Sounds like a cross between The Funhouse (1981) and any of the Saw movies. You might think I’m being a dick, but I hope they run out of time. That would make my sun shine.