Archive for erotic

Space-y Rock, Psychedelic Multiverse, Carnal Classics

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2023 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

So this is a whole new level cool — artist Todd Alcott has mashed up rock ‘n roll with science fiction in a pulp fiction book cover style as paintings, the first one being “Black Hole Sun,” Soundgarden’s massive hit from their Superunknown album in 1994. The art depicts singer Chris Cornell in a space suit with the Universe bearing down on him. Maybe I should get a space suit as I’m always feeling like the Universe is bearing down on me.

Another of Todd’s excellent mashups is The Police’s “Every Breath You Take,” which is often difficult in outer space. That song came out in 1983 from the multi-platinum selling Synchronicity. The art shows Sting (real name: Gordon Sumner, which is kinda boring) trying to escape the all-seeing eye, which is funny as that’s what the law — or police — is always watching every move we make or any bail bond we break. Heh. He mashed up other musical acts as well — Elvis Costello, Dolly Parton, Talking Heads, Devo — but those aren’t given the sci-fi treatment, so I shan’t be discussing it further.

Both giclee (pronounced /ʒiːˈkleɪ/ zhee-KLAY) prints come in three sizes — 11×17 ($40), 18×24 ($55) and $24×46 ($85). So yeah, a nifty addition to any rock/sci-fi/pulp-fiction fan’s collections. (Buy ‘em here.) And while you’re trying to pronounce giclee correctly, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as boring as Sting’s non-rock name… 

INTERFACE / March 28, 2023 (VOD)

“After tragically losing their father, two sisters track down an Interface Machine across the multiverse that will enable them to go into estranged mother’s mind and bring her back from a coma.”

You don’t need an expensive Interface Machine with a 40-page instruction manual. All you need is Electric Ladyland, Jimi Hendrix’s psychedelic rock metal (1968 masterpiece — play it loud and the metaverse will appear all around you.

LEDA / APRIL 11, 2023 (VOD)

“Young newlywed Leda is haunted by strange visions in this hypnotic tale that transports ancient myth to the dark forests and deep lakes surrounding a 19th century mansion. As her tragic past slowly unfolds, Leda begins to lose touch with time and reality. What seems to be a dream-like world spirals into a realm where nightmares and memories bleed together, invoking poetry and horror in a fable of birth, death, and otherworldly desires.”

Losing touch with time and reality, spiraling into a realm where nightmares and memories bleed together. You already know what I’m gonna say — Leda’s been hittin’ Happy Hour at the Tug Tavern. Sometimes I can’t help myself. Or more often than not.

FROM BLACK / APRIL 28, 2023 (SHUDDER™)

“Cora, a recovering drug addict, desperate for closure and saddled by crushing guilt after the disappearance of her young son, is presented with a bizarre offer to learn the truth about what happened and set things right — if she is willing to pay a terrifying price.”

If you’re a drug addict, you’re already paying a terrifying price.

WE KILL FOR LOVE / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“This documentary goes in search of the lost and misunderstood world of the direct-to-video erotic thriller, an American film genre that once dominated late-night cable television and the shelves of neighborhood video stores. Balancing film art with scholarship, We Kill For Love pulls back the curtain to reveal the heart and soul of a forgotten and often maligned film movement.”

Erotic thriller is just a fancy way of saying the girls who star in ’em do so topless and more often than not, bottomless, which is how I like my adult beverages.

Yule Goat, Ghost Motor Lodge, Spectral Sex

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, paranormal with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 2, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

If you wanna send out Christmas or “holiday” cards that really stand out among the sea of seasonal throat gagging Hallmark™ sappy crap, then you need a set or two of these fantastical Creepy Christmas greeting cards (5”x7” with red envelopes) from the fantastically talented Mister Sam Shearon. Why have Santa, Christmas trees, elves and those “why won’t they just go away?” Nutcracker dude depictions when you can have Rabid Rudolph, King Krampus, The Snow Queen, and the Yule Goat?

As featured on Mister Shearon’s website, you can get three different sets of 13 for $25 each, or all three sets combined for $65. I recommend this all-in-one collection because why the stinkin’ heck not? Who wouldn’t want to go to their mailbox and pull out a card that Hell (i.e., you) sent them, with horrifyingly cool depictions of Santa Claws, Gryla, Nuuttipukki (the great black goat-man), Mari Lwyd (the haunting horse of Welsh folklore), and Creepy Snowmen? These dreadfully awesome illustrations scream, “Up your chimney, traditional Christmas-y stuff!”

You may recognize Mister Shearon’s work in the rock and metal scene. He’s done art for Slayer, Rob Zombie, Ministry, Rammstein, Filter, HIM and Iron Maiden. He’s also designed cover artwork for The X-Files comic-book series, Judge Dredd, Starhenge and Clive Barker’s Hellraiser. So cool as to be beyond cool. 

While you click this pathway to a better holiday season, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not make your seasonal throat gag… 

THE ETERNAL DAUGHTER / December 2, 2022 (Theaters)

“Now a middle-aged adult, Julie hopes to reconnect with her elderly, estranged mother by traveling to a sentimental destination. Their vacation lands them at a hotel, one that contains a mysterious presence.”

Depending on the hotel, the mysterious presence could be anything from a gaudily-uniformed bellboy lurking outside your door for a tip, or a disturbing brownish stain on the vibrating Mattress Barn™ Sleep Innovations Hybrid Pro™.

DREAMS OF DARKNESS / December 8, 2022 (VOD)

“Devastated by the disappearance of his wife, Derek Fabry enters a nightmarish world of the occult, erotic evil, and supernatural seduction as he tries to unravel the mystery of her vanishing.”

The words “erotic evil” and “supernatural seduction” aren’t what most of us would associate with being nightmarish. More like a Happy Hour for the open-minded. Or a back seat date with any of the last call gals at the Tug Tavern.

CRAVING / January 1, 2023 (VOD)

“After a drug deal goes south, four heroin addicts barricade themselves in a bar as the cops close in. Withdrawal sets in, further complicating their hostage situation, while a secret one of them is hiding could destroy them all.”

Heroin addicts barricading themselves in a bar? Wouldn’t in make more sense to hole up in a pharmacy? People who do ILLEGAL drugs are DUMB.

INSIDIOUS: THE DARK REALM / July 7, 2023 (Theaters)

“Ten years after he first ventured into the Further, Josh Lambert heads east to drop his son Dalton off at an idyllic, ivy-covered university. However, Dalton’s college dream becomes a nightmare when the repressed demons of his past suddenly resurface.”

I’ve been to the Upside Down, but not the Further. Too far away. And Uber™ charges twice the regular rate to take you there. Best just to hitchhike to the Tug Tavern and call it a day. P.S. Conflictingly, this is also titled Insidious: Fear of the Dark. This has shattered my belief system in the Internet right in half.

Skeleton Sex

Posted in Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Diagnosis: Death

Andre Chang, an Asian/New Zealander English teacher (!) developed cancer after a ghost got into his body. Across town, 18 year-old hottie Juliet Reed (who learned about sex from her Tickle Me Elmo™ doll) came down with cancer as well. Yep, a ghost.

Diagnosis: DeathBoth end up at a clinic to undergo treatment using experimental hallucinatory drugs. Sure, why not?. Once there, Andre and Juliet see visions of a Charlotte Reid, a feminist novel writer, drowning her 9-year-old son in the hospital’s community bathtub, and then hanging herself in her room. Harsh.

Diagnosis: Death

Turns out her surviving sister is the hospital’s head nurse, in charge of administering the fun drugs. She seems transfixed by Juliet’s hotness. Me, too. Blaming the vision on the drugs, Andre and Juliet form a friendly bond that leads to sex. (“You’re almost as good as Elmo,” smiles Juliet.)

Diagnosis: DeathBut the visions are becoming more clear, this time showing the suicide hanging in its entirety with no commercial interruptions. The extension cord, with which she hung herself, gives way and Charlotte lands face first on the legs of the very metal stepping stool used to facilitate her new necktie. Her heads slides down one of the chairs legs and… You get the idea. These horrific visions provide the clues needed to solve the TRUE mystery and to punish the real criminal.

Diagnosis: Death

Diagnosis: Death (2009) is played as a very dry comedy with some mystery and romance crap thrown in. Despite teacher/student/Elmo sex there is no nudity. Lots of swearing and funny one-liners, though. A doctor describes a rather large suppository as akin to being butt-probed by a pineapple. That’s humorous on several levels.

Diagnosis: Death

Almost forgot — you get to see two skeletons having sex. It’s not nearly as erotic as one might imagine. My diagnosis of this semi-funny watered-down “horror” film: Meh.