Melodic Monsters, Demon Dentures, Inflatable Mummy

Godzilla is into classic rock. King Ghidorah prefers industrial metal. And that f’n lunatic Rodan is punk rock all day long. But Mothra, the Queen of Monsters, is all about classical music, which suits her “maestoso” destructive nature. And now you can air conduct an orchestra along to Mondo’s™ original motion picture score (or “soundtrack”) releases of Rebirth of Mothra 2 (1997) and Rebirth of Mothra 3 (1998). Destroying Japan never sounded so dolce.

Composed by Toshiyuki Watanabe and available any day now (click here) on the Death Waltz Recording Co. label, both come with the options of Mosur Wings vinyl or Eco vinyl (Mothra is known for being eco-friendly, but not to ecosystems), are 140 gram vinyl housed inside a silver laminate reflective gatefold jacket, numbered edition of 2000, and sell for $35 each pre-tax/shipping. 

While you’re getting ready for these symphonies of destruction, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not meet your eco-concerns…

HELL ON THE SHELF / Out now (YouTube™)

“An antique Christmas elf doll holds the key to decades of pent-up evil and anger from beyond the grave. Three paranormal investigators are hired by a desperate real estate agent to cleanse a house or find the reason why no tenant stays very long in the ominous structure. Over the course of three nights, the team discovers more about the supernatural happenings than they care to uncover.”

I’ve actually hired paranormal investigators to cleanse my house. They do a great job of ridding the bathroom of evil odors. 

TOOTH FAIRY 5: PREMOLARS (aka, DRILL TO KILL) / Out now (YouTube™)

“Sammy, a surviving teacher, rejoins her colleagues back at work. After hearing some odd noises around the classrooms Sammy feels she is being watched. When she hears the familiar knocking at the door she realizes her nightmare is not over.”

YET ANOTHER example of a movie title being better than the movie.

THE MUMMY RESURRECTION / December 26, 2022 (VOD)

“When a cursed Egyptian sarcophagus falls into corrupt hands, the new owner becomes obsessed with the perfectly preserved mummified princess contained within and concocts a scheme to bring her back to life. But to do so requires human blood. Joining up with his medical student cousin, the duo undertake horrific experiments that inadvertently unleash pure evil.”

All that effort over a preserved princess when you could just mail-order one. They’re advertised as “adult-sized, life-like love dolls,” though.

THE MACABRE / Release pending 2022/2023 (VOD)

“Shy girl Molly is having a party. She’s inviting her school bullies and has planned one hell of a night. After a party trick goes horribly wrong, each guest is forced into a macabre game of life and death by an ancient demon who forces them to tell horrifying stories.”

This being one of ‘em.

Future Sharks and Penguins

The future as represented in Immortal (2004) shows our cities in big time disrepair, a few flying cars, doors that open and shut by themselves like they did/do on Star Trek, and a whole bunch of Eugenics running around. Eugenics (altered humans) is just a fancy way of saying, “Made by Tupperware™.” They come in all sizes and shapes, but none of them are topless, except that Egyptian cat-face chick. Nice future genetics, but she needs a shave.

Over the city hovers a giant pyramid. Within the pyramid are gods. One of those gods is Horus, one of mankind’s creators. Horus (naked and having the head of a hawk) is being put to death because he’s shown a weakness for human flesh. (Geez, how am I still here?)

The plan is to mate with woman and leave behind a progeny who will someday avenge him. The god has non-consensual sex with some punk rock chick with anger issues. She doesn’t like that. But it takes a few times at bat before he’s guaranteed a rug rat. Hold the space phone — something is after her and the god: a mutated, slimy red hammerhead shark that can swim on walls.

Then there are the penguins that walk across the snow and slowly turn into humanoid life-forms, but discover they can’t waddle through the electric fence. Then there’s the blue bath water that permanently stains human flesh. And this is to say nothing about the hovercrafts that look like anti-gravity versions of my car, complete with rust, three-year-old gum in the glove compartment, expired tabs and windshield wipers that defy logic.

The Eugenics are computer-generated (I know, an oxymoron) and Immortal’s plot a little tough to keep up with. But there’s techno-boobs, interplanetary sexings, wall sharks, artificial snow penguins and detergent-resistant staining. Why is the future taking so long to get here?

L.A. Mummies

Someone needs a geography lesson. In Legion of the Dead (2005) an ancient Egyptian burial chamber is discovered in the hills just outside of L.A. In it lies the interred mummy of the Queen of Hollywood Egyptians.

While studying the sarcophagus, bumbling students accidentally bring the Queen back to life. She awakens with freshly-polished nails, styled hair and no clothes. She can be forgiven for this as she has no problem with walking around naked.

She needs a virgin’s blood to sacrifice with an Ankh (a sharp piece of wood that looks like Prince’s guitar) so that she can reanimate a legion of the mummified undead. A cop shows up and shoots one of the mummies and it explodes in a flurry of dust, like when a full vacuum cleaner bag busts open.

This cop, it should be noted, is Bruce Boxleitner, who played that guy in Tron (1982). Bruce — what the hell happened? You don’t need this. You were in Tron, man! This gagger needs to be re-buried back in the Egyptian district of Los Angeles.