Hot Heads, South America Roswell, Rich Vampires

Just in time for the Halloween season (every month except December), is a haunted skull cake pan from Nordic Ware™. (It’d be neat if all pans were haunted). And at $38.00 (pre-tax/shipping — click HERE), you’d have to have cake batter for brains to pass on this must-have cookware. 

From Nordic Ware™: “Add some fright to your festivities with this spooky grinning skull cake pan. This frightfully fun pan makes the perfect cake for spooky gatherings. Bake two halves in one pan and put together with icing to make a 3D masterpiece. Just add a simple glaze or confectioners’ sugar for spooky results.” I like spooky results. Except when it comes to my proctology exam.

For the Chef Boyardees™ reading this, here is the skull pan’s biography: Cast aluminum, 1.8 lbs, nine cup capacity, Lifetime Warranty™. A customer’s review: “I love this pan. I covered my skull in homemade marshmallow and hand-painted it to resemble a Day of the Dead skull.” Is making homemade marshmallow legal? Doesn’t bootleg marshmallow fall under controlled substances?

So while you’re waiting for your cake pan and to eat it, too, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as good a pastry skull…

THE ELDERLY / Out now

“Manuel, an octogenarian, falls into a state of dementia after the sudden suicide of his wife, sparking a series of paranormal events that will put his family’s lives at risk. Starting as a grounded drama exploring the indignities of old age, The Elderly gradually snaps off one guardrail after another, building to a crescendo of sheer terror with imagery that can never be unseen.”

The unabridged pocket dictionary defines “Octogenarian” as being between 80 and 90 years of age. I thought it meant you had eight arms.

MOMENT OF CONTACT / October 18, 2022 (VOD)

“Known as the Roswell of Brazil, Moment of Contact is an exploration of extraterrestrial encounters centered on a series of events in 1996 when citizens of Varginha, Brazil reported seeing a UFO crash and one or more strange creatures.”

A documentary that could also work as a cool sci-fi movie. This is a landmark event that’s been floating around UFO emotional support groups for the last 2.5 decades, which, if all those online math lessons haven’t failed me, is 20 years with some extra years added. Moment of Contact should be good, as the trailer shows the filmmakers interviewing Varginha townsfolk who personally saw this E.T.-gone-wild stuff hit the government-denied fan.  

SLAYERS / OCTOBER 21, 2022 / (Theaters, Apple TV™)

“Elliot Jones, a kick-butt vampire slayer, has one mission: find the vampire who murdered his teenage daughter. But he’ll need the help of social media superstars — The Stream Team. Upon accepting an opportunity to meet reclusive billionaire Beverly Rektor, they discover she’s a descendant of a long line of vicious vamps. Jones is their only hope of survival and tonight he’ll have his revenge.”

A billionaire vampire. She must keep all her money in a blood bank. Don’t look at me like that. It’s all I had.

EVERYONE WILL BURN / Pending release (2022/2023)

“In a small village in Leon, Spain, María José prepares to end her life after failing to get over the death of her son years before. Everything changes when she receives a visit from Lucía, a strange little girl who might be connected to a local legend about stopping an impending apocalypse. With the enigmatic girl by her side, María José faces the corrupt community, triggering strange events and a series of horrific deaths among the local population.”

There are other girls who can make people flame on: Firestarter’s (1984) Charlene “Charlie” McGee (“mind fire”), Chilling Adventures of Sabrina’s (2018-2020) Sabrina Spellman (“Hell fire”), and Tinder, Burning Man’s kid (“hippie fire”). Bonus ability — all can roast hot dogs…in their hands! I wish I could roast hot dogs in my hand.

UFO Portraits, 14 Phobias, Grizzly Deaths

There are at least two billion books on the subject of UFOs. (Statistically speaking, that means at least one book on UFOs is unfake.) Adding to that steaming pile of pics and reprinted newspaper articles is UFO Presences (by Javier Arcenillas/2018) has the distinction of being sold out in every Target™ store that stocked it. And all this time I thought Hanes™ Men’s Underwear was king of the cash register.

UFO Presences (published by Distributed Art Pub Inc. in hardback format), comes in an economic 115 pages for $22.48 (the MSRP is $35.00) and is more photo than recounting UFO sighting word barf. This is great news for those of use who would rather watch cartoons than read a newspaper. FYI: The book is still available on Amazon.com for $22.81 — but you have to pay postage. Looks like Target™ just gave Amazon the one-finger shipping salute.

While you can find the same photos online for free, one simple cannot have enough books on UFOs, if anything, to impress the ladies. If the subject of unidentified flying objects isn’t up Uranus, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not land you a second date…

DOGGED (July 9, 2018/UK)
“When ten-year-old Megan Lancaster meets a grizzly and untimely end, Sam is forced to return to the remote tidal island where he grew up to attend the funeral. A testing relationship with his disconnected parents, a reunion with his estranged girlfriend Rachel, and a cryptic message from the island’s doctor force Sam to investigate the events leading up to Megan’s tragic death. The truth is far more shocking and unbelievable than Sam wants to acknowledge, and his life begins to spiral out of control in a macabre descent of paranoia. Sam must race against tide and time to expose the seedy underbelly of the island, and to save the lives of those he loves.”

This one’s been available in the UK since the year before this one (I forget what that is), and is now coming out on DVD. No American release scheduled as of yet, though looking over the hot mess that is the movie’s press release, I think I can pass the time watching paint dry for my viewing pleasures.

A TASTE OF PHOBIA (2018)
“A Taste of Phobia features 14 International filmmakers as they peer into the twisted and often self-violent world of phobias.”

This one got me thinking about my own acute phobias. For instance, I have a fear of non-alcoholic beer, flying (actually, I have a fear of not flying), and getting probed by aliens while sober. (Not that I want to be probed in the first place, but I’d need to have a few drinks first, you know, to take the edge off.)

BEING (2018)
Looked everywhere for the official plot, but couldn’t find one, though I did uncover a fun fact: E.T. stands not for “extraterrestrial”, but rather, “extra testicle.” Wheeeeee!

That gleefully said, avoid at all costs of harm to your health of confusing this with 1983’s The Being. That movie’s press release: “A mutated creature is wreaking havoc in a small town in Idaho. A police chief and a government scientist team up to save their rural town from its menace.” Sounds like they have it handled. Bravo, small town Idaho.

THE ONANIA CLUB (2018/2019)
Set in Hollywood, Tom Six’s The Onania Club promises to be “one of the most vile, inhumane movie experiences of all time.”

The same could be said about my proctology exam results, except being set in the movie capital of the world. There’s nothing in that back lot Hollywood needs to see.

An Even Bigger Godzilla, Evil Ghosts, Sex With Aliens

Bloody-Disgusting.com recently posted the above Godzilla size comparison chart, and it shows just how much bigger G-Man is in Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017), the hit Japanese anime movie released in November.

In the movie, Godzilla is just shy of 1,000 feet tall. The original 1954 Godzilla is 164 feet tall, about the size of the 2017 Godzilla’s leavings. I’d wager no matter what matter passes through his intestinal tract, everything comes out shaped like him. That seems painful. But hey, after decades of being blasted with heavy artillery, Godzilla can take it.

And speaking of recycled extreme burritos, here are a few now-available-for-streaming horror and sci-fi that may or may not have you leaving a Godzilla-sized offering in the ‘ol porcelain charity collection bowl…

ZOMBIES HAVE FALLEN (available now)
“A young woman who possesses the supernatural powers and visions of an upcoming apocalypse is aided by a retired bounty hunter who must protect her from those who wish to use her abilities for evil.”

You don’t need supernatural powers to have visions of all the upcoming apocalypses — that’s what beer and politicians are for.

LOVE & SAUCERS (available now)
“David Huggins lost his virginity to an alien woman — among 100 other E.T. encounters — and chronicled it all in surreal paintings, few of which have ever been seen. This documentary is his story.”

The now-72-years-old Mr. Huggins goes on public record to let everyone know he gave his flower to an alien gal with big boobs when he was 17. Now, 55 years later, he paints pictures (suitable for framing) of this game-changing incident, as well as lots of other “experiences” with extraterrestrials. Let’s hope this movie isn’t rated G.

WAKE THE DEAD (available now)
“After a near death incident leaves Kristin scarred with a terrifying connection to the spirit world, her family attempts to break her free of an evil spirit’s hold.”

Seems kinda stock — evil spirits are so yesterday. Thinking out loud here, but wouldn’t the term “spirit world” be a cool name for a liquor store?

THE GARDEN (available now)
“Horror, euphoria, and madness ensue when Mask encounters a blind stranger with a television fixed to his arm. Dark, esoteric and unforgiving, The Garden subverts traditional narrative and challenges the viewer with intense audiovisual stimulation. Warning, this video may potentially trigger seizures for people with photosensitive epilepsy. Viewer discretion is advised.”

If I had a television hooked up to my arm, I’d never leave the house. As for the movie possibly triggering an epileptic event, that’s one heckuva disclaimer. Let’s hope it doesn’t give anyone a taste for seizure salads.

UFOs, Nightmares, Fog Monsters, Bigfoot

Watched YET ANOTHER Bigfoot documentary (I’ve pretty much seen ‘em all) and one “expert” (he’s not, I am) claims that there’s thousands of the highly marketable cryptid. Gonna have to call baloney puckey on that one. Do the math — there’s only ONE true Bigfoot. But hey, where did he come from? Wouldn’t he have had parents? What about a grandma who sends him a new sweater every Christmas? Those and many more questions will be answered when Bigfoot says so, not some dumbass “expert.” Uh, oh — I think I just called myself a dumbass. Oh well — not the first time.

Anyway, more mysterious horror/sci-fi topics being addressed in these upcoming films, of which I’m probably an expert at. Ahem.

UNACKNOWLEDGED (May 9, 2017/iTunes™)
“Unacknowledged focuses on the historic files of the Disclosure Project and how UFO secrecy has been ruthlessly enforced — and why. The best evidence for extraterrestrial contact, dating back decades, is presented with direct top-secret witness testimony, documents and UFO footage, 80% of which has never been revealed anywhere else.”

About flippin’ time. UFOs are real and everybody knows it. Getting them to admit it, on film even, is the tough part. Unacknowledged is headed up by Dr. Steven Greer, a guy who put his reputation on the line by going up against the government and petitioning them to come clean with the E.T. goods. I’d go to him for medical/conspiracy services. Heck, when you think about, he’s probably really good at proctology. Don’t make me explain this.

BACKWOOD MADNESS (2017)
“Backwood Madness is a horror fantasy movie that bustles with trolls and goblins. Situated during the second World War, it tells a story about a conflict between men and creatures of the forest. The main character is struggling with his own mysterious past that is taking events towards the inevitable collision with destiny.”

Haven’t seen a good troll since Troll Hunter (2010), so puttin’ this on my “to do” list taped to the kitchen mop (that’s on the “to-do”list as well). And with the addition of goblins, maybe Hollywood can make up for those goblins in the steaming pile of fantasy mess that was Legend (1985).

FLESH OF THE VOID (2017)
“The film was shot almost entirely on expired Super 8 film from the ’80s, and is intended as a trip through the deepest fears of human beings, exploring its subject in a highly grotesque, violent and extreme manner. It’s 80 minutes of pure Hell, playing out like a non linear, psychedelic nightmare.”

This on sounds both icky and must-see at the same time. Kinda like watching an octopus attack on a ocean-wading tourist in a loud shirt drinking a margarita. And the words “highly grotesque” and “psychedelic nightmare” go together like “octopus” and “tourist with a loud shirt and margarita.”

EL SECRETO DE MARROWBONE (October 27, 2017/Spain)
“A young man and his four younger siblings, who have kept secret the death of their beloved mother in order to remain together, are plagued by a sinister presence in the sprawling manor in which they live.”

Theorized (and probably right) spoiler: It’s their baby-sitter who never got paid for watching the brats.

THE MIST (2017/Netflix™)
“After an eerie mist rolls into a small town, the residents must battle the mysterious mist and its threats, fighting to maintain morality and sanity.”

This, of course, is the TV series version of the not-too-shabby 2007 movie of the same name, based on one of Stephen King’s better sessions at the typewriter. It’s not a spoiler to casually mention there are mutated creatures that live in the mist or “fog.” I like the idea of a TV series as it will flesh out that angle and maybe show us how the military opened another dimension and let the bed bugs in. I’ll be taking notes.

Get Probed

 

With a title that puts it on the exam table, Extraterrestrial, a movie about alien encounters/abductions/colonoscopies, is due for release on October 17, 2014/VOD and theatres in November.

I watched the trailer. The movie’s Twitter hashtag – #GetProbed – is pretty much right on the mark…for two reasons.

Here’s how the characters’ personal space gets compromised: “April, is still reeling from her parents’ divorce when she’s dragged back to the vacation cabin she spent fond summers at as a child accompanied by a group of friends. Her trip down memory lane takes a dramatic and terrifying turn when a fireball descends from the sky and explodes in the nearby woods.”

“The group ventures out toward the crash site and discovers the remnants of a ship from another planet along with footprints that suggest its alien occupants are still alive. The college friends soon find themselves caught in the middle of something bigger and more terrifying than anything they could ever imagine.”

I can imagine something bigger and more terrifying. Ever been “examined” by Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund?

REGARDLESS, I will seek this one out at my nearest TV. In the meantime, try your best not to confuse Extraterrestrial with the other Extraterrestrial, a 2011 film by Nacho Vigalondo. (I don’t know who was responsible for it, but Nacho is one seriously cool name.)

In that movie, Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund, descended from a race of giant hand people, arrives late for his Earth appointment, dispenses with the pleasantries AND lube, and proceeds to wreak excruciating havoc BELOW THE SURFACE. Then he sends you the bill. (Just kidding Nacho, I’m sure your movie is a lot less, um, “invasive.”)