Archive for dynamite

Sharks Can Be So Cruel

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cruel Jaws

Just because you have the proper noun Jaws in your movie title doesn’t make it part of the Jaws (1975) family. Nor does reusing dialogue, plot and swiping footage from the Jaws series (as well as Great White/1981 and Deep Blood/1989) qualify as an actual movie. More like cut ‘n paste plagiarism. The only thing cool about Cruel Jaws (1995/aka, Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws and The Beast), which is guilty by a jury of its peers of the above crimes against humanity, is its title. Everything else is just regurgitated bait.

Cruel Jaws

A territorial 35-foot great white shark, thought to be the by-product of military fussing, is attacking and eating the flavorful folks in Hampton Bay, an affordable (at the time) small Florida coastal town. There’s an upcoming Regatta (a sporting event consisting of a series of boat or yacht races) party, and the marauding shark could chomp into their profits. The local sheriff and a teen shark expert (“Sharks swim, eat and make baby sharks…”, a line directly lifted from Jaws) go on the hunt for the “readily available on a moment’s notice” monster. The plan is to kill it. There’s the cruel part.

Cruel Jaws

To bring an emotional element into the mix, they feature a little girl in a wheel chair. “Daddy — give that shark a punch in the nose for me…” That is SO cute. Then there’s a rich kid on a yacht with his friends, armed with guns and gasoline. May the yacht rest in peace. Elsewhere, one of the main characters looks exactly like pro wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, so a fair guess would be he’d use a folding metal chair to take down the mouthy monster in a no-holds barred shark cage match. You could have a zebra fish as the referee. Heh.

Cruel Jaws

All that and the best scene comes when the shark, taking the bait (raw rump roast) dangling from a helicopter, ends up eating the civil aircraft and its occupants — as dessert. Sharks need roughage in their diet.

Cruel Jaws

Cruel J seems to mark his territory around a sunken military ship, presumably where he was born and set free upon the boat’s demise. So this is where the squeaky clean teens and Hulk Hogan go to plant dynamite. (Sure hope the ref isn’t watching.) The ship, though, is loaded with valuables that local criminals try to retrieve. CJ cares not for thieves.

Cruel Jaws

As painfully bad as Cruel Jaws is, you should probably watch it (on YouTube™ for free) and turn it into a drinking game. Do a shot every time you see a stolen scene/dialogue from Jaws; You’ll be passed out cold long before the part where a barking seal interrupts a crooked local amusement park owner’s hot-air balloon speech and knocks him into the dolphin tank. (They don’t show it, but the dolphins likely tore the guy in half and feasted on his land guts. I’m pretty sure of it.)

Asian Zombie Vampires

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

When you stop whatever it is you’re doing and watch Tsui Hark’s Vampire Hunters (aka, The Era of Vampires/2002), a made-in-Hong-Kong period piece (ancient 19th Century days), you’re gonna learn some things about vampires and zombies that you never knew.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

First, vampires and zombies are one in the same. Crazy talk, I know. But when a person dies and is buried in a p*ssed off state of mind, that anger energy festers and reanimates your death bod. When you come out of the grave and go on an “all the flesh you can eat” binge, then you change into a vampire. It should be noted that while in zombie and vampire mode, your face looks like deceased meatloaf. And the only thing that goes with that is human ketchup. (Note: In zombie form, you can still be “cured” with coffin wood powder. I think you can get it at GNC™.)

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

Along with their master, four kung fu disciples — Rain, Lightning, Thunder, and Wind (graduates from the Taoist Mao Shan School of Magic) and a gaggle of disposable soldiers — tirelessly roam the land for zombie vampires. They do this at night because vampires look cooler after the sun goes down. Doesn’t take long to find one — and it just happens to be general of some recognition. The combative thing shoots out of the ground, flies around, and sucks blood right out of your proprietary orifices — from a foot away! Wish my vacuum cleaner had that kind of sucking power.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

Someone screws up (looking in your direction disposable solider #6), resulting in a huge explosion due to methane gas turning the air explosive. This made everyone think Master Jing (It rhymes with ‘blaster zing”) was barbecued. (He wasn’t, but got separated from the tour.) Now it’s on, with the band, whose descendants I think formed Earth, Wind & Fire, tracking errant vampires, all the while meeting chicks, finding gold and living up to their frat pledge: “Turn it up I can’t hear, more chicks more beer!” Okay, that was my frat motto — and I didn’t even go to college. Heh.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

The House of Jiang is rich and loaded with gold that everybody keeps trying to steal. And there’s zombies in the basement. The Jiangs have been preserving their departed loved ones in wax and keeping them around the house like objet d’art. You can see where this is going. Master Jiang turns out to be an extremely accomplished vampire with car exhaust breath, and engages in an epic, gory, kung-fu acrobatic, sword slicing, hi-flying battle with the gang and their reunited master. (His explanation as to why he’s been gone all these months is pretty funny.)

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

The fight takes an unexpected turn when sticks of dynamite are introduced to the mix. But it’s the last shot of 100 (maybe there was 97) zombies in the basement that sets up a sequel that either never happened or I didn’t see. What’s the difference? In all, an entertaining waste of time.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

In League With Sea Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues

Not buying the title of the 1955 hook, line and stinker The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues. First of all a U.S. measurement defined “league” is three nautical miles, or 18,228 feet (a nautical mile is 6,076 feet which is just shy of 800 feet longer. No wonder jogger fish look so worn out all the time.) The word originally meant the distance a person could walk in an hour. I’d rather Uber™.

Map of the Ocean

Simple math tells us that the Phantom’s headlined depth would have him originating 182,280,000 feet below the ocean surface. That’s 34.5 miles down and five and a half times deeper than the science (i.e., United States Center for Coastal & Ocean Mapping) measured distance of 36,070 feet, or 6.83 miles. Maybe the Phantom came from the middle of the Earth, where the dumbassery side of the Internet claims is hollow. (Just like their heads – heh.)

The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms

And because this is sticking in my head like a bad song, a fathom – as in The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (1953) – is six feet. So that would mean the Beast rose up from 120,000 feet or  22.27 miles deep. Maybe Beast and Phantom commute to work together.

The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues

Nevertheless, the Phantom, who would’ve been crushed into seaweed by the ocean’s pressure at the deepest point, has no problem swimming all those miles upstream to knock crab fishermen out of their dinghy in shallow water and eat them. (Off camera because hey, the ’50s).

The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues

That established, The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues is an low-tide mess, from the first attack (and glimpse) of the “phantom” Fish Man (c’mon dude – I can see your flipper zipper), to the interwoven story arc that sucks right up until the “wake me up before you go go” yawn-inducing finale.

The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues

Here’s the low down on the down low: A man-sized fish creature (played by a woman, by the way) makes a fisherman dead in the water. The freshness-expired body washed up on the beach catches the attention of two government agents, one of whom tries to get a sample of a radioactive sea chunk. The monster does not like people taking his things and behaves accordingly, getting all attack-y and making bubbles come out of both ends.

The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues

More blah, blah, blah – the other agent blues clues it together with all signs pointing to local marine biologist Dr. King as having been the science behind the monster’s citizenship. With the feds closing in the doc heads for the dock, packing waterproof dynamite and for his fishing expedition. Too bad the fuse was so short.

Too much water and not enough slaughter. The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues throws mathematically incorrect shade on sea monsters the world over. And under.

P.S. The title still bugs me. So then there’s 1954’s 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea

20,000 Leagues Under The Sea

Frank ’n Wolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 17, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (1943) was a box office masterstroke, pitting two of the world’s greatest monsters in a no-disqualifications battle royale. Although considered a horror classic, look under the marquee and you’ll see it wasn’t as epic as the title promised.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Yeah, everyone thought Larry Talbot, the beleaguered werewolf, died at the end of The Wolf Man (1941). Even the grave robbers looking to pilfer the tomb of Talbot thought so. That is until they popped the top and allowed the light of the full moon to revive Larry’s corpse, enabling him to go on a throat-ripping spree.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

He’s put in hospital by ranting and raving he’s responsible for the community throat-ripping while in wolf form. Oh, Larry – you so crazy! Gooned out to the point of having to go through all those hairy experiences again, Larry breaks out and seeks Maleva, the old gypsy woman whose wolf-y son bit Talbot’s tummy and passed along the curse. She tells him there is no cure, but might know someone who does. So off they go by horse and buggy from London to Germany. That’s around 700 miles. Long time to be sitting next to a ticking time bomb.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Arriving in Germany, Larry and Maleva ask around town about Dr. Frankenstein, who just happens to have a working knowledge of life and death. More so with death as he died. This makes Larry super bummed. He then gets the idea to root around the semi destroyed Castle Frankenstein (Sorry – spoiler. It was ka-BOOMED back in 1931) for the dead doc’s diary to see if there’s a way to end his immortality.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

It’s here he stumbles across Frankenstein’s monster encased in ice. Pretty cold and snowy in them there parts, even though the lowlands are quite weather agreeable. Not the lowland residents, though. Doesn’t take much to get them in the mood for a little pitchforkin’.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Larry and Frank break the ice and become allies of sorts. The monster tries to show him where the diary is, but to no avail. Heading into town, Larry fakes a land purchase so he can meet the super hot Baroness Elsa Frankenstein and perhaps get clues to the diary’s whereabouts. About this time Larry’s London doc, who had been trailing him, shows up. Then the monster wanders into town, getting everybody super freaked. They all barely escape the pitchfork and head to the castle.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

NOW we get to the juice. The diary is located, the doctor reassembles the machinery and figures out how to reverse the polarity of electricity on the wired patients and… Dang, he just can’t do it as he suddenly gets a God Complex and wants to make the monster even stronger. As it happens when you mix electricity with monsters on a full moon night, you have problems.

Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man

Larry furs up and the two abominations go at it. And here’s where slight disappointment sets in. The monumental battle only lasts 60 seconds, with Franklin throwing the Wolf Man around like a stuffed animal. But I’ll give this to Larry; the boy is quick and agile. While they lock up, one of the villagers lights a pile of dynamite at the foot of the damn the castle is built in front of, thereby releasing the damn’s contents and destroying the rest of the castle and the monsters with it. I think the handsome doc and hot Baroness made it out safely and probably hooked up. I’m fine with that.

FYI: This is not the original Frankenstein’s monster. Dracula played the mute creature this time around. Cool, but not as cool as the original.

The Joi of Bigfoot

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 6, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bigfoot

The best bait to lure Bigfoot out into the open? Gorgeous women in bikinis. Shocked that Bigfoot hunters haven’t thought of this before.

This isn’t the plot of Bigfoot, a 1970 sub-budget “horror” movie, but it should be. Rather, it’s just one part of a bigger tapestry that weaves together a horror legend (John Carradine), a supermodel (Joi Lansing), and dynamite-packin’ bikers with semi-combed hair. (What a bunch of disrespectful punks.)

Bigfoot

Parachuting into the forest after her plane quits flying, Joi, with her flotation devices stored safely under her blouse, runs smack into Bigfoot. Elsewhere, a biker guy horizontally makes out with his bikini-clad new girlfriend, only to discover they’re  swapping spit on a Bigfoot burial ground. Guess who shows up to punch out the boyfriend (wicked right hook) and make off with the make-out girl?

The local sheriff doesn’t have time for this hair-covered nonsense, and pretty much doesn’t do much to solve the mystery of the missing women. So Biker Rick (the guy whose bricks were earlier flipped by Bigfoot), turns to hucksters for help. Some help – they plan to capture B-foot to exploit for financial gain. (“People will pay 50 cents to see it!”)

Bigfoot

Meanwhile, the top-heavy abducted gals are tied up (!) by Bigfoot, where they hypothesize about their situation and give away a big clue as to the what lies ahead. (More than one Bigfoot, as it turns out – and they seem to be gooning out over something at the top of the mountain everyone’s partying/making out/peeing on.)

Bigfoot

Finally, after much hippie bongo music, noisy motorcycles tearing up the woods and great one liners (“They’re practically sub-human, but they look like animals…”), the hucksters and Biker Rick (cool name) slog through the forest until they happen upon the abducted gals and the Bigfoot lair (not quite an apartment as it doesn’t even have a kitchenette).

Bigfoot

And it’s here we get the “slap your head in astonishment” big surprise. The thing at the top of the mountain the other Bigfeet are fearful of is… I’ll just say that the hint lies in the Bigfoot creatures themselves, all of whom are female. Run with it. And the end? Has something to do with dynamite – and Joi Lansing running through the woods, barely keeping her mountainous region from popping out of her top.

P.S. Bigfoot fights a bear in this one. I thought they were friends. The bear probably owed him money. Or a honey-dipped pine cone. Man, I could sure go for one of those right now.