Space Virus and Yogurt

The Mir space station intercepts an alien hitchhiker in the guise of electric energy, and thinking it’s a lunar text message, mistakenly transmits said life-form to a satellite-tracking ship on this toilet earth. There it wipes out the Ruskies and their brewskis. Harshness abounds.

Meanwhile, a tugboat is tugging a precious cargo (beer, I theorize) across the ocean through a pissed off typhoon. Seeking shelter in the eye of the surly storm, the tug happens across the Russian boat. With salvage in mind to recoup their uninsured losses, the crew (with Jamie Lee Curtis as navigator) board the blood vessel and discover plentiful seagoing wrongness. I had no idea Jamie Lee Curtis knew how to navigate the ocean in addition to being a yogurt spokesperson. What a talent!

The alien is harvesting humans for usable parts (thirst buds) and creating a new half-machine/half-human species, not unlike a certain Borg. Just a typically standard “thing-onboard-trying-to-get-humans” plot. The effects, however, are outstandingly cool, exemplified with Donald Sutherland as the captain discovering the human rebuilding process (a sort of Radio Shack™ meets Black Angus™) while attempting to make a deal with the head mecha-monster that regards Earthers as germs with pants (hence, Virus/1998 the movie’s clever title).

Creative use of gore and limbs and Duracell™ batteries, but due to glaring lack of nudity, a so-so sci-fi flick with a yogurt covered ending at best.

Belly Deli – Serving Real Bellies

Faud Ramses III, the grandson of the Egyptian-esque Faud Ramses, is opening a catering business. Falling under the spell of Ishtar (a statue in the back room with Duracell™-powered red eyes), Faud III harvests body parts from supermodels to make a buffet for an upcoming wedding.

Two problems: The bodies are all those of the bridesmaids. (So much for white gowns.) Secondly, the groom is the detective on the case looking for the murderer. (There’s a way to save money.)

Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat (2002), like its predecessor, doesn’t skimp on the gore. Necks are sliced like wet deli meat; Intestines are pulled out like Silly String™; Eyes are gouged and used as hors d’oeuvres; The skin covering a girl’s head is cut and her entire face and hair pulled off as if removing a ski mask. Her brain is then liberated by way of a carving knife. (It’s nice knife, too – infomercial quality.)

In 1963 when Blood Feast came out, that kind of graphic gore was considered taboo shocking. Today, it’s just yesterday’s intestines. Look how years of voting Republican has desensitized you.