Archive for dragons

Sci-Fi Smurfs

Posted in Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , on March 11, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Avatar

White people with heavy artillery and flying machines attack a fantasy forest filled with blue people on flying dragons. Makes sense to me. 

Avatar

So the planet is inhabited by the blue people is filled with a rare mineral (not soap, unfortunately). Whitey wants it. The 10 foot-tall Smurfs fight back with bow and arrows. They don’t wear pants.

Avatar

Lots of spectacular fight violence in Avatar (2009), but hardly any blood. I liked it, but I highly doubt anyone else will.

Finding Fantastic Beasts

Posted in Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them is a return to the universe of Harry Potter by creator/mega-billionaire J.K. Rowling. It started out a book in 2001, but because of Rowling’s history of turning anti-Christian sentiments into box office gold (good for her), it’s to be a movie as well, due out in November of 2016. Why they’re plugging it now (December, 2015 – 11 months before it comes out – obviously means they need time to license premium toy tie-ins. (One can never have too much money.)

Still, as cool as the concept seems, it feels like a half-baked crossover. Then again, I didn’t read the book as I gave up reading once TV was invented. And hey, if I wanna find a fantastic beast, all I have to do is look in a mirror. Heh.

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

But we’ve already seen a pile of mythical monsters in the Harry Potter movies – a giant three-headed dog that takes craps the size of giant spiders; Giant spiders that talk and eat human meatloaf; A parrot that bursts into flames like a defective bottle rocket; Centaurs that cover the forest floor with recycled apples; Bulimic werewolves with 3% body fat who binge and purge every full moon; Dragons (aka, flying BBQs); Bird/horse hybrids that chow down on raw ferret as if woodland sushi; Mail-carrying owls (delivering late as to emulate real postal service); Talking snakes (they pronounce “s’’’s really well); And 15-foot trolls with I.Qs around that of your average movie blogger. So what else could they possibly bring to the table?

Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them

Glad you asked. Here’s a few fantastic beast copyright worthy ideas: Ghost Monkeys – they fling zoo poo at you and then disappear, much to the delight of everyone not covered in you know what. Land Crabs that cause itching that can’t be stopped, even with generously applied pyrethrins and piperonyl butoxides. Sea Bats that look like seagulls – they steal your french fries and peck your neck. Giant turtles that shoot flames out their… Oh, wait – that one’s been done.

J.K. Rowling – please contact me for licensing rights. Bring your 10-ton checkbook.

Guilt in the Time of Dragons

Posted in Fantasy, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Shamer's Daughter

Fantasy horror flick The Shamer’s Daughter (i.e., Skammeren’s Datter) was released in Denmark back in March, 2015. I couldn’t find a bus that could get me there, so I missed the bus on that one.

Then Shamer was premiered at the 2015 Fantasia festival in Montreal last summer. Still no bus. Is it just my imagination, or does public transit not want me to see this period piece involving medieval dragons, witches and a throne that needs to be sat on? Conspiracy theories aside, I think we all know the answer here.

The Shamer's Daughter

Like waiting for a bus that never comes, I’ll just have to twiddle my thumbs even more for The Shamer’s Daughter to come out on VHS cassette tape. Or VOD. And here’s why my patience – which is running thin – will pay off…

The Shamer's Daughter

“The Shamer’s daughter, Dina, has unwillingly inherited her mother’s supernatural ability – she can look straight into the soul of other people, making them feel ashamed of themselves. In a semi-realistic medieval fantasy world with dragons and witchcraft, Dina and her family are thrown into the adventure of a lifetime in order to put the rightful heir to the Kingdom of Dunark.”

The Shamer's Daughter

For the record, I don’t need to have some stinky Renaissance fair chick peep into what’s left of my soul to make me feel ashamed of myself. Alcohol does that just fine, thank you.

P.S. I’m the rightful heir to the Kingdom of Dunark. That’s what the downtrodden villagers at yon Poggie Tavern call me. Better credentials are not needed.

Pyrotechnic Lizards

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , on September 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Reign of Fire

While drilling for more dirt to add to London’s already filthy streets, a work crew happens upon a dragon den. Rudely awoken from its pleasant dreams of terror, the dragon proceeds to barbecue everything not already on fire. This sets into motion the Age of Death Stuff From Above as the dragons (or as I call ’em, “Pyrotiles”) proliferate faster than the fire department can put on their boots.

Reign of Fire

After two decades of dragon global warming, only a handful of survivors in the world are left, living in their own filth and trying to grow crops in-between attacks. Along comes an American military convoy tracking the Pyrotiles. (See? Fits nicely!) They kill them by parachuting out of a helicopter (these thrill freaks are referred to as “Arc Angels”—I call ’em “Skykill”) and shooting nets over their flapping wing area.

Reign of Fire

It’s discovered that all the dragons are females and they keep laying eggs, which beget more dragons. But there’s only one male who fertilizes the eggs by flying over and spraying some sort of fertilizer on ’em. Efficient, yes, but where’s the romance in that?

Reign of Fire

The male dragon is about 100 times larger than all the chick dragons, which means killing him is gonna be harder than finding a place to bathe. If the plan doesn’t go as planned, the dragon will get supremely pissed and breathe more fire than a million KISS concerts, turning the remaining human beings into patty melts.

Reign of Fire

Good thing they used real dragons in Reign of Fire (2002) or it would’ve totally sucked and looked fake.