Archive for dragon

Dragons and Nickel Candy Bars

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Valley of the Dragons

It’s 1881. And Michael Denning (USA) and Hector Servadac (not USA, but still kinda cool Frenchman) were doing what any two guys arguing over a girl would normally be doing: facing off in a duel with pistols.

Valley of the Dragons

Just as they’re about to glock block each other, a passing comet overhead whips up a ferocious storm so blast-y, it sucks the at-odds gentlemen 1,000,000 miles into space and 1,000,000 BACK IN TIME! Face-slapping astonishment here; I had no idea meteors had those kinds of super powers.

Valley of the Dragons

The men end up in a jungle as real estate and property taxes hadn’t been invented yet. It’s here they encounter two warring tribes of cavemen and cave women, a fiesty volcano with the worst temperament, and giant, mouth open, fighting lizards feasting on said cave people. Can you say f’d in the cave-hole?

Cat-Women of the Moon / Rodan

Using the framework of Off on a Comet, an 1877 Jules Verne novel (that’s probably French for “book”), Valley of the Dragons (1961) certainly lives up to its name. They do this by sweetening the plot with stock footage from Cat-Women of the Moon (1953) and Rodan (1956), whose cameos are relegated to some prairie dog pop-ups and a few fly-bys.

Valley of the Dragons

Not forgetting their discord, both men decide to resolve their face-shooting dispute AFTER they figure out what the heck is going on, how to get back to their own time, and more importantly, how to divide up the two hottest of the cave chicks not as yet eaten by the “dragons.”

Valley of the Dragons

One clan gets trapped in a cave with a slobbering giant lizard right outside the door-less opening. Using spears and rocks, the cave people, led by French Hector, poke the beast like it was sleeping in late. But it isn’t until his science thoughts kick in that he figures out how to make gun powder from the colored dirt everyone’s bleeding on.

Valley of the DragonsYou can guess where this is headed and how this ends for the dragon. But the most exciting part is when the volcano blows and all involved at the foot of said Mt. Explode gets the herd thinned by earth-cracked crevices and tsunamis of pyroclastic flow.

Valley of the Dragons

Initiating a chest-patting peace accord between the surviving tribes, Mike and Hec calculate the comet will return in seven years, thereby whisking them back to their plentiful world of nickel candy bars and .34¢ a gallon gasoline. More than enough time to teach the cave girls in the ways of future love.

Closing statement: Rodan did not eat any of the cave people. He could’ve, but just didn’t. It’d be totally not cool if you went around telling everybody he did. Don’t be a dick, ’k?

Rebirth of Mothra

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rebirth of Mothra

Death Ghidorah (or “Desghidorah” if you speaka de Japanese like me) is a giganto three-headed demon Hydra monster buried under a mountain. He can’t get out because of the Seal of Elias keeping the dirt locked in place. So imagine the look on the logging company’s face when they remove the seal and accidentally let Desghidorah out. Man.

Rebirth of Mothra

Cheering this on is the evil Belvera, a six-inch tall female Elias who rides a height/weight appropriate winged dragon called Garugaru. (He’s not really a dragon, but rather a robot. I can see where you’d get confused.) Her equally-sized sisters Lora and Mona are much nicer and do Uber™ rides Fairy Mothra. Both sides battle to regain the seal to put Desghidorah back in his mountain hole. They’re gonna need help as the very Motorhead-esque Desghidorah is 200 feet tall and shoots flames at anything that looks edible.

Rebirth of Mothra

Summoned by song (one of three, all which are annoying because they don’t have any guitar solos), Mothra, the giant 200-foot long moth who looks like an expensive pipe cleaner, does battle with Des, but keeps getting her plumose antennae snapped. She’s getting too old for this kind of crap and psychically summons Mothra Leo, her son whose still in the egg back home on Elias Island. Hatching prematurely, Leo looks like one of Godzilla’s high-fiber breakfast leavings (complete with rest rings), and swims across the ocean to help mom.

Rebirth of Mothra The tag team partnership doesn’t last long, with Mothra getting clobbered and going out to sea to die like an orange seagull. This p*sses off Leo so he cocoons himself, hatches yet again, and grows into a fully grown Mothra with extra powers (multi-colored energy beams). Good for him.

Rebirth of Mothra

More of a movie for kids, Rebirth of Mothra (1996) does have its adult moments, like when Desghidorah bites into Caterpillar Leo like a hot dog and green/yellow goo shoots out. Probably mustard and relish. Only trees get crushed in this adventure, though a dam takes a strategic hit and flooding water knocks Desghidorah flat on his three-cheeked ass. So, like, that was cool.

Day-glo Ogre

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Legend of Ogre

When one thinks of an ogre, it’s usually visualized as something that looks like a WWE wrestler after he’s lived in a garbage landfill for years, while wearing a diaper made out of a bear. It might also have one or fewer eyes and a Fred Flintstone club for hitting diaper-providing bears.

The ogre, though, in Legend of Ogre (aka, Kijo Densetsu/2003) is a young Japanese girl with hot pink long hair, a gray complexion and dressed in pajamas three sizes too big. Worse, the story about the punk rock ogre unleashing hell is as lame as the fake wig she wears.

Two high school girls and their female teacher go to a village out in the woods to study regional folklore. Their cell phones don’t work that far into the woods. Right outta the gate – BIG problems. Upon arriving, a screamy old woman runs up to them and speaking louder than normal, starts yelling “Ominous, ominous!” I don’t know what that means. Staying in a vacant house the girls snoop around and open a storehouse, which unleashes unimaginable horrors and…uh, yeah – not even close.

Kijo Densetsu

The pink-haired woman was locked up (or “imprisoned”) in the storehouse, even though she saved the village from a red dragon (told, not shown) many moons ago. Now that she’s free to model her pajamas, there’s much ominous-ing to get caught up on.

The teacher dies, as did my patience for something cool to happen. (I actually fell into a deeper sleep twice while napping through the tedious non-action.) Legend of Ogre was made with one of those consumer digital video cameras, so it looks like your neighbor filmed it. From the half-baked storyline to the day-glo hair, everyone needs to go back in the storehouse and reflect on what they’ve done.

Winged Blow-Torch

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 1, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Eragon

As with all kingdoms back in the days of yore, Alagaesia’s mayor is the patently-evil King Galbatorix. He was elected on the political platform that he’s a former dragon rider (cool). He also sold out everyone around him for money, fame, power and chicks (cooler still).

Eragon

Meanwhile, outside of town, a young boy named Eragon (why didn’t they just call him Eric?) finds a blue egg, a gift from the feel-uppable Princess Arya. It hatches before Eragon can make enough egg salad for 400 sandwiches, and a baby dragon pops out. He names it Saphira. (Lame name as no one had claimed Scaly D at the time. Today at least six rappers with shingles go by it.)

Eragon

Enter Brom, a local dude who becomes a dad/mentor to the recently orphaned whiner. Brom tells Eragon he is the dragon rider prophesied to kick Galbatorix’s throne and bring happy good times throughout the land. He also has to deal with an evil sorcerer (Durza) who can make black magic happen. While this spit is getting ready to hit the fan, the dragon is growing at an alarming rate, meaning that the litter box in the barn is gonna have to be emptied with a front-loader.

Eragon

Eragon, under Brom’s tutelage, learns how to ride the dragon, go flying into danger and to be a good guy. BORING. If I had a flying dragon that shot flames out through its portals, let’s just say Happy Hour would get a whole lot more happier. For me, anyway.

Eragon

Regardless of his clichéd quest, Eragon (2006), a total wuss, rides the lightning for truth, justice and the Alagaesia way. If he succeeds: candy and balloons will grow everywhere. If he doesn’t: black stuff will get on everyone’s shoes for all eternity. Believable dragon flying sequences, but Eragon needs to be a little more Motorhead and a lot less Air Supply.