Physician to the Mutants

Deep in the Darkness (2014) is a creature horror feature adapted from the 2004 book of the same name (what are the odds?) by Michael Laimo.

While Laimo has stated his novel was influenced by the 1973 horror movie Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, it really smells more like H.P. Lovecraft’s short story The Lurking Fear (1922), which was fitted for VHS in 1994 by Full Moon Entertainment as Lurking Fear.

Lurking Fear is about mutant humanoid creatures – which lurked pretty cool – living underneath a church-sanctioned graveyard. Holy holes!

And since we’re digging deep in the darkness (aka, my soul), the 1997 Canadian horror movie Bleeders (aka, Hemoglobin), is another take on the H.P. Lovecraft story about sub-dwelling mutant-esque creatures (aka, the Van Dam family) who have become deformed and bloodthirsty from centuries of inbreeding.

Then there’s the obscure Dark Heritage: The Final Descendant (1989), which is also (unofficially) adapted from H.P. Lovecraft’s story.

Whew – I thought I was gonna have a Scanners (1981) exploding head moment trying to get that all out.

Now that you know the premise, Deep In The Darkness, using the above as a business model, has a big town (Manhattan)  doctor moving to a small town (New Hampshire) that harbors an icky secret: mutated creatures living in caves in the woods.

A really small town (population: 1,700+), New Hampshire seems caught in time and doesn’t even have cable TV. (How do they live?!?) But as Dr. Michael Cayle acclimates to life without television, he discovers the dirty secret – there are creatures called Isolates infesting the town.

But these ick creatures have a Martial Law resolute: They control the entire town and demand sacrifices in exchange for allowing people to live. Okay, why isn’t anybody calling U-Haul™ and getting the ick outta there?

As the doctor is a medical dude, the grunt-and-growling man-creatures capture him and take him into their cave hole to help a female ick creature give birth. Upfront I’ll just say a muddy cave used for living space and bathroom-y stuff is the farthest distance from a sterile medical environment as you can get this side of a Manhattan sewer.

The creatures kill citizens in gory fashion and go all out to keep the doctor from fleeing with his wife and kid. Even so, Deep In The Darkness is a “meh” movie experience despite the ick factor. Pretty much the same with the aforementioned movies. Read H.P. Lovecraft’s story instead and avoid the sewer.

Gnome Alone

Wikipedia™, the all-seeing/all-knowing bible of the internet, describes gnomes as “diminutive spirits in Renaissance magic and alchemy, first introduced by Paracelsus in the 16th Century and are typically said to be small, humanoid creatures that live underground.”

Describes a gal I once dated.

Gnomes have shown up in horror movies for years. But now those little rat people are getting another PR push with Gnome Alone, arriving January 20, 2014 on DVD and VOD. If you can get by the painful title, here’s what to expect: “When a timid college student witnesses a hit-and-run, the dying victim gives her a strange amulet. Suddenly, all those who have offended Zoe in her life begin dying horrible deaths at the hands of a malicious gnome. When Zoe discovers the horrible history behind the amulet, will she be able to harness its magical power before the gnome begins killing those closest to her?”

I bet the gnome kills people closest to Zoe.

For anyone who is interested in this sort of topic outside of TV commercials, notable humanoid creature movies include Gnomes (1980), A Gnome Named Gnorm (1990), Blood Gnome (2004) and Killer Gnome (2008). Not 100% sure on the last one’s release date, but I do remember seeing it and thinking, “What a stupid movie – no one in their right mind should be watching this.”

But when it comes to movies about gnomes, one should look no further than 1967’s The Gnome-Mobile, made by horror king Walt Disney. In that one, an eccentric millionaire and his grandchildren are embroiled in the plights of some forest gnomes who are searching for the rest of their tribe.

I wrote about this one on August 14, 2012 [click here]. While The Gnome-Mobile has impressive special effects and a G-rated storyline, those hoping to see a gnome eaten by a raccoon or get run over by a lawnmower will walk away sadly disappointed. But hey, catchy theme song, so not a total loss.

Rat Monkey Vampires

Spooky Blackwood Manor, an architect’s dream reach-around, has rat monkey vampire creatures that live in the caverns beneath the dark historied mansion. These little gremlins eat teeth, which confuses the enamel outta me. What do they use to chew with? Major plot discrepancy.

A divorced architect and his similar-careered girlfriend are restoring Blackwood Manor. Lots of rooms to feel each other up in – until the guy’s nine year-old daughter is foisted off on them. The little handful is so moody as to be classified emo. But the creatures who can talk (again, if you eat teeth, what do you use to talk with?), get in her head and persuade her to release them from their unholy hole.

Of course dad and his upgrade don’t believe her. When they finally do, it’s too late. And by too late, I mean for you for waiting and waiting for something scary to happen. Aside from a very painful death at the very end for one of the major players, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (2011) goes in the “don’t be afraid of not wasting your money” category.