Werewolf Centerfold

Shortly upon arriving in Wolfshead, Scotland to inherit his parent’s rural shack, a writer is shadowed by big, stinky dogs that look like they were playing fetch with a can of 30-weight. One of the mutts morphs into a fully naked Playboy playmate (Julie Cialini, 1995 centerfold) who wants to have lots of non-explicit sex with him.

All the locals have Scottish accents, except Julie, who sounds like a Kansas cheerleader. You don’t notice it much as she’s naked all the time. That counts.

As the call of the wild gets louder, the writer discovers the whole village is a community of shape-shifters (discount paranormal creatures). Most turn into dirty sheep herding dogs, others into crows. None, it needs to be noted, can turn into a Blockbuster Video™ refund receipt.

The town’s alpha male gets in a pissing match with the writer in one of the lamest bar fight scenes ever filmed. (I thought James Bond the only one who could get punched in the face 60 or 70 times and not so much as have his hair ruffled.)

Wolfhound (2002) has no starring role for blood, suspense, or mouth on throat dissecting. Not even Julie’s 38-29-32 inhibitions can heal the wounds of shame incurred for renting this dud.

Human Dog Food

A dog is a man’s best friend – until dog eats man. After that, any relationship arrangement is clearly off the table. And that goes for all domesticated animals. (I’m looking in your direction, you serial killing and probably poisonous parakeets.)

So turning the tables and having dogs go after the all-you-can-eat chew toy that is your couch warmer makes for good movie watching, right? Not always. I’ll get back to that. For now, just heel and be introduced to the latest dog-unfriends-humans horror movie, The Pack, hot on the scent of the just released Night of the Wild (2015), YET ANOTHER doggone poochy predator movie.

The Pack (releasing Spring, 2016): “A farmer and his family must fight for their lives after a ferocious pack of feral wild dogs lays siege to their isolated farm. Through a series of frightening and bloody encounters, they are forced into survival mode to defend themselves from the ravenous beasts and make it through the night.”

Like daylight will make the dogs any less bite-y. Be my guest and try to pet your way out.

In case it slipped your leash, there was a prior dogs-gone-wild horror movie with the same name. The Pack (aka, The Long Dark Night) was released in 1977, and the plot was as juicy as a mailman’s leg: “The residents of vacation spot Seal Island find themselves terrorized by a pack of dogs — the remnants of discarded pets by visiting vacationers.” The ’ol “flush the alligator down the toilet” trick when they become too much of a bother.

But even before that was a similar gone-to-the-dogs horror movie called simply, Dogs. Released in 1976, a pack of dogs go on a killing spree. Seems plausible enough. In Dogs a “biology professor tries to figure out why domestic dogs are suddenly hungry for human beings.”

Maybe the dogs got tired of eating the same old boring, non-screaming/non-bleeding bagged food out of the same dish day in and day out. Cats always get the good canned stuff –  dogs usually have to eat artificially-flavored cardboard.

Don’t mistake The Pack for the other The Pack, released in 2010. Same title, but that one features mutant monster ghouls who, like feral dogs, have a taste for human flesh. I heard one of ’em say people taste like artificially-flavored cardboard. Hard to find canned human, though the fresh stuff is always better.

Horror Gone To The Dogs

What do you get when you take the two worst offenders to horror and sci-fi, and team up to make a horror movie about domesticated dogs turning on those who would pet them?

The answer comes in the form of the ill-conceived Night of the Wild, which has a meteor crash in a quiet town responsible for all the sudden, aggressive dog attacks on the residents. (Apparently the dogs thought they said “meatier” and got p*ssed when it wasn’t that way at all). That it’s filmed by The Asylum™ and shown on the Sy-Fy™ Channel (debuting Saturday, October 3, 2015), isn’t the bad idea part – that they kill dogs on screen (nothing graphic, but still…) is gonna make a lot of pet owners/animal lovers seriously unhappy.

Night of the Wild’s description goes on to say “now separated by the chaos in town and blocked roads, Roslyn and the other members of her family must find each other by fighting back against the bloodthirsty hounds before the dogs take over the whole town and escape becomes impossible.”

Maybe it’s time to introduce Asylum™ and Sy-Fy™ to Cujo (1983)…

Late Werewolf

Late Phases (2014) is a new werewolf movie that had its premier on March 9, 2014 at SXSW. I was not there; The invite must’ve gotten lost in the mail. But has this movie seen the light of day since? Not that I’m aware of. And I check these things more than I check the mail.

Anyhow, Late Phases goes a little something like this…

“Ambrose (Nick Damici) is a blind Vietnam War veteran that moves into a retirement community with his seeing eye dog upon the prompting of his son Will (Ethan Embry). He’s shocked when he narrowly survives an attack by what he believes to be a werewolf.”

“The community has been the focus of several brutal dog attacks that have killed several residents, but Ambrose now believes that it is werewolves and not dogs that have been doing the slaughtering. Now Ambrose is preparing himself for the next full moon, when he will make his strike against his lupine would-be aggressors.”

Would-be aggressors. Never heard a werewolf summed up like that. Aren’t all werewolves aggressive by design? I seriously doubt that the werewolf is gonna be all neighborly and help the vision-impaired Ambrose across the street. Not without chewing on the bone in his neck first.

Still, Late Phases sounds interesting. I just wish someone would send me a card or letter telling me when it’s gonna come out.