Archive for desert

Insane Haunted Santa UFOs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Secret Santa

Serial killershaunted housesUFOsinsane asylums. It’s like a horror snack platter. Still not seeing anything involving robot cheerleader werewolves. And if any of you big time Hollywood film producers are interested, I have a script. Plug ’n play, man. Just sayin’.

SECRET SANTA (December 13, 2016)
“A group of eccentric college kids struggle to get through the hectic exam period. A liquor-filled Christmas party is planned to ease the stress. They plan to toast the end of the semester with a Secret Santa exchange. Little do they know, a killer is in town and has a special present for all the girls and boys. Will they dare to open their presents?”

Santa as a serial killer. There’s a horror plot device older than Christmas itself. And as for “eccentric” college kids, there’s a better descriptive word: obnoxious arrogant over-privileged jerk wads. Yep, that’s one word.

Behind The Walls

BEHIND THE WALLS (2017)
“Years it has waited, now someone’s moved in. Through the eyes of the evil within we witness a broken family desperately seeking a new beginning in a new home. But this house lives, watches and wants them to stay — FOREVER.”

Of course the house wants them to stay forever — rent’s gotta be paid. I question this evil house’s sincerity, though; for instance, in The Legend of Hell House (1973) and The Amityville Horror (1979), the malevolence therein keep telling their tenants to get out. Admittedly, not a good business model if you’re an evil landlord.

Sam Was Here

SAM WAS HERE (2017)
“California, Mojave Desert, 1998. A strange glow appears in the sky. Sam, a forty-something door-to-door salesman, travels through the few inhabited zones of the Californian desert in search of clients, yet everything seems deserted. When his car breaks down, Sam becomes a prisoner of the empty, hostile environment. Alone and without human contact for days on end, he listens continuously to a talk-show on the only local radio station. The host, a man named Eddy, takes calls from listeners who share their thoughts on a child killer at large in the area.”

I bet the strange glow in the sky is a UFO. Everybody knows UFOs glow. Outside of that, I wonder what Sam sells? That’d be cool if he sold hot air balloons that light up so you could see ‘em, say, over the desert at night.

Eloise

ELOISE (January 5, 2017 (UK) / 2017 (US)
“Four friends break into an abandoned insane asylum in search of a death certificate which will grant one of them a large inheritance. However, finding it soon becomes the least of their worries in a place haunted by dark memories.”

Given how many abandoned insane asylums used in countless horror movies, you kinda wonder what made everybody leave? As they say in prison, three hots and a cot.

Non-Horror Horror

Posted in Misc. Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , on February 28, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Feeding Grounds

In the bus change-budgeted indie horror Feeding Grounds (2006), pot-smoking slackers hook up with some chicks and go driving in several cars out into the desert on their way to party in a cabin. Along the way they open mouth smooch and talk dirty. Only thing missing is breath mints/toothpaste.

Feeding Grounds

Each of these stoners have serious anger/social and substance abuse issues, all of which are complicated by something stalking them, making them even more violently unsociable, and turning their bodies into death chunks, or “chunks of death.”

Feeding Grounds

Their cars don’t work. Their cell phones don’t work. Their ability to get along under stress doesn’t work. This movie doesn’t work. Whatever is stalking them is never shown. Nor are the killings.

Feeding Grounds

What’s left? A lot of emo whining, emo swearing and emo dying. And how dare they show two hot desert lesbians (in the confusing intro) and no women sandwich making? I’m visibly outraged.

Yelling About Hell

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jeruzalem

Full of themselves and/or self-righteousness, bible believers tell (i.e., violently scream from street corners) that there are three gates to Hell, alternate entrances in case the line to get in is too long. One is in the desert (lots of free parking), one is in the ocean (charter a boat and get in a little fishing while you’re at it) and one is in Jerusalem, famous religious tourist trap and home of all things worship-y.

JeruZalem, a new found footage horror movie releasing January 22, 2016, takes us there for a little “end of days” judgment, with violent screaming from street corners, divine bloodletting and zombie angels, hence the “Z”, a not-so-subtle cash-in on that other religion.

Jeruzalem

Here’s your penance: “Two American girls on vacation follow a mysterious anthropology student on a trip to Jerusalem. The party is cut short when the trio is caught in the middle of a biblical apocalypse. Trapped between the ancient walls of the holy city, they must find a way out as the fury of Hell is unleashed upon them.”

Couple of thoughts: Jerusalem/JeruZalem, or “Jesus Spring Break,” with all its biblical background, doesn’t seem like a go-to party place. (A dancing foot does not belong on a praying knee.)

Jeruzalem

Secondly, as this is a found footage flick (and after watching the trailer), there’s always one person who keeps the camera rolling no matter what demonic entity is eating your friend’s face. That alone makes you wanna thump their bible.

On that note, I’m a non-believer in camera batteries that never run out of juice. That film keeps rolling after hours and hours when my cell phone conks out after only one hour on 1-800-Boobie-Chat seems so blasphemous. Maybe the movie batteries are made by…DuraHell™. (C’mon, that was comedy gold…)

Wrecker: Tab-Expired Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 11, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wrecker

It’s always painful to see Hollywood to run so dry of ideas that they shell out good pocket coupons to produce cheap/cheesy horror like Wrecker (releasing November 6, 2015): “Best friends Emily and Lesley go on a road trip to the desert. When Emily decides to get off the highway and take a ‘short cut,’ they become the target of a relentless and psychotic trucker who forces them to play a deadly game of cat and mouse.”

Wrecker

Not only is Wrecker NOT an original idea with a crappy title, who would pay to see a movie what you can see on a freeway any day of the week?

Duel / The Car

Wrecker’s plot is a direct lift from Stephen Spielberg’s Duel (1971), in which McCloud (or “Dennis Weaver”) is relentlessly pursued across dirty desert back roads by a 18-wheeler driven by a malevolent invisible trucker.

This was mimicked by Elliot Silverstein’s The Car in 1977, in which Amityville Horror’s James Brolin goes up against a possessed black car that “vroom-thump-thumps” anyone brave enough to use a crosswalk in Utah.

Christine / Maximum Overdrive

And picking up the pieces and running with that, who could forget Christine, the 1983 Stephen King horror movie that featured a “body by Chrysler, soul by Satan” ’58 Plymouth Fury that could return to showroom condition after being engulfed in flames and making griddle cakes out of thugs.

Then came Maximum Overdrive (another Stephen King adapted movie) in 1986 that not only turns a huge truck (with Spider-Man’s bestie the Green Goblin’s face on the front grill) into a “devastation wagon,” but anything mechanical that held a grudge against their human slave masters. (Can opener: “Take that, you opposable digit oppressors!”)

Road Train / Blood Car

Let us not forget the Australian Road Train (aka, Road Kill), which came out in 2010. In that one the monster truck is a rolling grindhouse, running on the goop left over after it throws you in the back and food processes you into energy-efficient goop. (They got this idea from 2007’s really funny dark horror comedy, Blood Car.)

Super Hybrid

While we’re on the subject of all things vehicular homicidal, there’s the “destined for the junk yard” Super Hybrid (2010) that had a souped up Prius™-y type hybrid not yielding to the right of way of pedestrians.

Want more? There’s plenty out there – especially on the freeway.

Blood and Ass Blasters

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 9, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Blood Story

Hard to tear myself away from binge watching The Walking Dead (all five seasons back-to-back for the sixth time) in order to seek out new horror/sci-fi with which to explore, share and make fun of. Alas, a fortunate break in the form of a rather long bathroom intermission afforded me enough time to bring two possible gems to light.

First up is Blood Story (2015), just now out on DVD/VOD, and “centers on the discovery of the legendary Fountain of Youth and the awaking of a centuries old demon that unleashes upon the guests of a nearby villa, subjecting them to unspeakable acts of depravity, perversion and murder.” There is nothing about “unspeakable acts of…” that doesn’t find an application in my own life.

Tremors 5: Bloodlines

As a fan of the Tremors (1990) franchise, I look forward to Tremors 5: Bloodlines (releasing October, 2015), starring original actor Michael Gross returning as the excitable Graboid hunter, Burt Gummer. (Graboids, as you know are Dune-esque sand slugs that can sense people walking on the soft desert dirt, occasionally burrowing up for human candy bar treats.)

Tremors 5: Bloodlines goes like this: “Weapons enthusiast and expert subterranean creature hunter Burt Gummer sides up with Travis as his new tech-savvy right hand man. The pair are joined by an international cast as they mount a battle against the deadly creatures that turn out to be far more than they bargained for.”

Ass Blasters

I hope they give the varying creatures cool names like they did  in the earlier films (Tremors (1990), Tremors 2 – Aftershocks (1996), Tremors 3 – Back to Perfection (2001), Tremors 4 – The Legend Begins (2004) and Tremors Attack Pack (box set, 2005). They were originally called Graboids, but my favorite is Ass Blasters – flying Graboids that use an obvious form of propulsion to take and maintain flight.

Not obvious? Binge watch all the Tremors movies and shoot for a bathroom intermission for enlightenment.