Boos Cruise

Twenty-five years ago, an eight-year-old boy watched his father leave on a honeymoon cruise into the Bermuda Triangle with a spanking new, market fresh wife. Two minutes into the movie and they don’t even let you know if the ex-wife’s brains were eaten by a zombie or if it was a nasty divorce. Geez.

During the cruise, lightning flashes like an epileptic’s worse nightmare and rain pummels the ocean, making it even wetter. The radar scope shows something big headed their way, but no one can see it as it’s evil. All of a sudden the luxury liner is engulfed in gnarly, roiling clouds. (Roiling is such a neat word.) In the belly of these roiling clouds are demonic spirits that fly around and wreck stuff. Then the ship disappears. Freakin’ A!

Flash forward to present day and the boy is now a parapsychologist (meaning he’s unemployed). In a maneuver that could only happen in the movies and/or parallel universe, the boat reappears in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. Before the Coast Guard can arrest it for floating without a license, a TV show that does supernatural documentaries hires a salvage crew and talks the parapsychologist into flying out to the boat to unravel the roiling mystery, and maybe find out what happened to his parents.

There’s a storm outside and the sea is roiling. They find the ship is completely intact, with the freshness of food and booze intact. No dad or new mom, though. As the evil cloud begins engulfing S.S. Royally Screwed, ghosts (or “specters”) fly around like demon-powered bottle rockets. Will their helicopter make it back in time to save them? Will Lost Voyage’s (2001) limp action turn your lunch into a roiling seafood platter? Will its goofy special effects provide a suitable substitute for the lack of gratuitous gore and/or roiling nudity? Do you like burning money?

A Ghost Classic Made Ghostier?

Skepticism was the first of many emotions that boiled all over my Old Navy™ shirt when news of a Poltergeist (1982) remake came a’blowin’ in the wind, followed by anger, sadness, frustration and an unquenchable thirst for Budwesier™ tallboys, which according to ancient biblical scriptures is indeed an emotion. But I digress.

Sam Raimi, the guy who brought us the unbeatably cool The Evil Dead (1981) and a metric crap ton of not-as-cool movies since, is behind Poltergeist (2015) and contemporizing the three decades old demonic ghost tale that had a little girl being sucked into the Netherworld of Hell (her closet), which forced her parents to go into the beyond (the closet) to rescue her.

I get that Sam has to cast this one in the here and now, but what does that mean to us who saw the original movie in an actual theater and not on a smart tablet back in the day? Here’s what Sam told me last week when I recently sat down for a light lunch with him at the sunny Marina del Rey:

“A family’s suburban home is invaded by angry spirits. When the terrifying apparitions escalate their attacks and take the youngest daughter, the family must come together to rescue her.”

I had the grilled chicken paillard with a starter of cheeses and charcuterie. Sam ordered the same thing he’s been eating since 1982.

Evil Angels vs. Good Devils

You gotta love scientists. In their quest to find a cure for something they can over-charge us for, they unleash demonic spirits that’ve been living under ice for millions of years in the vacation destination Antarctic. These spirits invade your body and turn you into a comic book version of something bent on ill-intent, which is the case of high school BFFs Akira and Ryo, now an evil “angel” and a good “devil.”

Akira didn’t change all the way – his human side keeps him from wrecking people/stuff. But that doesn’t stop Ryo – who now calls himself Satan (uh, you might wanna check the intellectual rights on that, buddy) – from smacking Akira in the flesh areas.

Now that humans are onto the demons (pfffttt, finally), a nationwide witch hunt ensues, and demons (or anyone thought to be one) are systematically murdered into pieces by angry and frightened mobs. What this does is wipe out everybody and everything, leaving Akira to hold his girlfriend’s freshly decapitated head in his arms and pout. (Sheesh – get over her, dude.)

The demons, though, are fairly inventive, what with various horns and sharp things poking out of their faces. One supermodel angel girl grows wings out of her head and flies around. I wish I could grow wings out of my head and hang out with her on top of some building that you could only get to by flying.

The special effects are over-the-top comic book-y (mostly anime), and the spraying guts ’n gore about where they needed to be. But devils versus angels should’ve been way more, I don’t know, epic. After the action dies (sorry) down, we’re left with 10 uninterrupted minutes of Akira/Devilman staring at the ground, floating in puddles of sorrow. Yeah, Devilman (2004) floats in something, but I don’t think it’s grief.

FYI: This movie was based on the 1972 Nagai anime comic by the same name, whatever that is.