Scary Real Estate, Revenge Trees, Honey Horror

Pant-wetting fans of Stranger Things have a chance to own one of the rarest pieces of memorabilia from the massively popular horror series: the actual house the beleaguered Byers family lived in while their zip code was being plagued by a stinky Demogorgon from the Upside-Down. Feel free to wet your pants now.

For mere bus change, the Byers house at 149 Coastline Rd, Fayetteville, GA, lists on Zillow™ for $300,000. As you already know, it has two bedrooms, 1 bath and is 1,846 sqft. This includes the six Demogorgon-infested acres the house sits on. Affordable, but here’s hoping you don’t get…upside down…on the mortgage payments. Heh.

Even though the place could use some upgrades, like a pool that Barbara Holland could go swimming in (okay, THAT was funny), it’s a “Byers market” (I’m on a roll), and it can be yours by clicking HERE.

While you’re getting pre-approved for a home loan, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be worth $300,000…

HAUNTED TRAIL / September 27, 2022 (VOD)

“A group of college friends visit a local haunted trail. After many screams and a few nervous laughs, an actual killer approaches the group. Scared out of their minds, the friends run through the trail, trying their best to get to the end without being killed. After much of the group is slaughtered, the remaining friends make a horrific discovery about who the killer really is.”

Generic college kids. Generic masked slasher. Generic extra-large knife. (Made, ironically, for slicing bologna/baloney). I think they downloaded the script from cookiecutter.com.

FEED ME / October 27, 2022 (VOD)

“Following the death of his wife, a broken man spirals into an abyss of night tremors and depression and finds himself in the home of a deranged cannibal who convinces him to take his own life in the most horrific way imaginable.”

Wonder what taking his life in the most horrific way imaginable means? Given the movie’s title, it can only be one thing — he has to eat kale.

THE KILLING TREE / November 1, 2022 (VOD / DVD)

“On Christmas Eve, a scorned widow casts an ancient spell to resurrect her executed husband. However, when the spell goes wrong, the husband is brought back as an evil Christmas tree. Hell-bent on getting revenge on the one who caused his execution, the body count keeps rising as the Tree hunts her down.”

Resurrected as a Christmas tree. That’s a new one. A snowman or Elf on a Shelf, sure. But this one suggests they don’t care about winning an Academy Award™. (It’s like they’re not even trying.) But hey, at least he’ll come back with ornamental balls. Ahem.

WINNIE-THE-POOH: BLOOD AND HONEY / Pending release 2022

“During his childhood, Christopher Robin befriended Winnie-the-Pooh, Piglet, and their friends, playing games and also providing them with food. As he got older, his visits grew more infrequent, as did the food supply, causing Pooh and the others to grow increasingly hungry and desperate.

When Christopher went to college, the visits stopped completely, causing Pooh and Piglet to become completely feral and unhinged, resulting in Eeyore and the others getting killed and eaten at some point. Now, Christopher has returned to the forest alongside his new wife, hoping to introduce her to his old friends. Feeling betrayed, this results in them going on a murderous rampage for human flesh as they antagonize a group of university girls who are occupying a rural cabin.”

Beloved childhood characters are now the new hot properties for horror filmmakers/directors bereft of ideas. Example: The Banana Splits Movie (2019), turning the previously lovable Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper and Snorky into axe murdering murderers.

Before you pooh-pooh this idea, hear me out: Saturday morning kids show icon H.R. Pufnstuff (given his last name, maybe the “HR” stands for “Huge Refer”) could be revamped as a drug dealer, selling jazz cabbage and turning his cult followers into day-glo colored hippie zombies. Note to Hollywood — I’ll be pitching a comprehensive one-page script as soon as I finish watching Heckle and Jeckle: A Murder of Crows.

Stranger Thing Things

As anticipation for Stranger Things Season 3 (July 4, 2019/Netflix™) reaches pee shiver excitement of bladder-straining proportions, the runaway hit horror/sci-fi TV series brings in its wake a pile of licensed goodies, from toys to books to entire living room makeovers. Yes, you read that correctly. Let’s get started, shall we?

First up is the just released Stranger Things’ The Upside Down LEGO™ set, loaded with remarkable detail for a bunch of colorful bricks that like inside-out waffles bars, which ironically, taste like plastic bricks. Behold — the press release:

“The replica of the Byers house features Will’s bedroom, the living room and the dining room. The Upside Down version of the house features all the rooms from the real-world model but with a dark, vine-covered, dilapidated look. Of course, the set includes 8 mini-figures of your favorite Stranger Things characters, which each come with their own accessories.”

Way cool, especially the LEGO™ version of the monsterific Demogorgon. (My neighbor’s dog looks exactly like one of those face-eating things.) Expect to pay $199.00 for this super neato set.

Next comes Visions from the Upside Down (Printed In Blood, Del Rey) hardcover art book, available October 15, 2019 for $35 upside down fun coupons.

The 304 page book highlights contributions from an army of artists. As the press release brags, “The more than 200 artists featured, drawing from the earthly dimensions of comics, illustration, fine art, video-games, and animation, have come together to bring us a unique vision of the world of Hawkins, Indiana. The 200-plus brand-new images have been created specifically for this volume, which also includes an all-new introduction.”

That’s a lot of crayons being put to the stress test.

One of the all-time seriously coolest Stranger Things tie-ins comes from IKEA™, the Swedish furniture store that sells chairs with names as hard to pronounce as it is to assemble them at home. They’ve come up with a recreation of the iconic Byers living room. You have to make your own portal to the Upside Down. You’ll need a 12-pack and a sledgehammer.

So how much would it cost to turn your own living room into the Byers family’s living room, complete with letter wall and Christmas lights? According to IKEA™, $1,441.54. Guess it’s time to take down all those KISS posters and upgrade my lifestyle with beach towel covered couches and Morse code Christmas lights.

Lastly, ice cream flingers Baskin-Robbins™ are turning select stores into a Scoops Ahoy Stranger Things ice cream shop one in particular being set up at the Starcourt Mall in…wait for it…Hawkins, IN.

Check out the menu: the “Demogorgon Sundae,” the “Elevenade Freeze,” the “Upside Down Sundae” and pre-packed quarts of “U.S.S. Butterscotch.” Too bad this is a limited promotion; I’d be up for a Demogorgon Sundae year ’round.

This is just the tip of the Upside Down. I’ll let you know if they come out with a Stranger Things toilet with the bowl that resembles the gaping, toothy mouth of the Demogorgon. If you had problems purging before, this will fix that sh*t with one sit. Heh.

Sweet Tooth Sci-Fi, Early-Period Zombies, Marsh Monster

If you’re a fan of Stranger Things (and who on this planet isn’t?), Itsugar.com just made available a whole bowl of Stranger Things themed candy, from My Little Pollywog gummy to Barb Missing Milk Carton (full of chocolate malt balls) to the Upside Down Chocolate Bar — half premium milk chocolate and half gray-speckled white chocolate. Pack your bags — you’re about to go to Yum Town.

Before you go indulging your taste for all things stranger and sweet, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi streaming series, which may or may not give you cavities…

STRANGER THINGS 3 (July 4, 2019/Netflix™)
Titles for the new episodes include: “Suzie, Do You Copy?, “The Mall Rats,” “The Case of the Missing Lifeguard,” “The Sauna Test,” “The Source,” “The Birthday,” “The Bite” and “The Battle of Starcourt.”

That’s all they’re giving us for now. Fine by me — the Stranger Things series is so addictively bingeful, it should be classified as some sort of visual drug, like porno. Except instead of Jennifer Lawrence’s Photoshopped naked/nude body wrapped around mine, you get the Demogorgon, which may or may not know who Jennifer Lawrence is. Or me.

KINGDOM (January 26, 2019/Netflix™)
In a kingdom defeated by corruption and famine, a mysterious plague spreads to turn the infected into monsters. The crown prince, framed for treason and desperate to save his people, sets out on a journey to unveil what evil lurks in the dark.

Looking forward to this South Korean period piece zombie apocalypse chewfest. And hey, it’s gonna be a series, which means more couch time for this professional squatter.

THE PUNISHER (2019/Netflix™)
“After exacting revenge on those responsible for the death of his wife and children, Frank Castle uncovers a conspiracy that runs far deeper than New York’s criminal underworld. Now known throughout the city as The Punisher, he must discover the truth about injustices that affect more than his family alone.”

If you saw Season One of Netflix’s The Punisher, it certainly lived up to its name — each show contained some of the most face-pinchingly brutal fight scenes this side of Daredevil ever filmed for enjoyment purposes. And Jon Bernthal, who played the loose cannon Shane on The Walking Dead, is the perfect choice to deliver the business end of his pummel-happy fists. I am so happy right now.

SWAMP THING (2019/DC Universe)
“Abby Arcane, an employee at Atlanta’s Center for Disease Control, investigates what seems to be a deadly swamp-born virus in a small town in Louisiana but soon discovers that the swamp holds mystical and terrifying secrets.”

A new series set to stream on DC Universe. As much as Swamp Thing is cool, it remains to be seen if he’s $7.99 a month cool.

Alien-Fearing Hicks, Upside Down Monsters, Sci-Fi Puppets

Recently cleaned out the fridge and am sad to report that all my “science experiments” were epic fails. (I thought egg salad, if left in a controlled climate environment for seven months, would turn to some sort of miracle lip balm and/or car polish, thereby making me wealthy rich.)

Crossing fingers that those potatoes I stored last year in the back of a lower cupboard that hurts my back to reach will have better results, as I really, really need to be wealthy rich.

Speaking of things that could go south, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi and fantasy movies that make or may not stink up most of your apartment building, prompting neighbors to call the police, thinking somebody died…

BRAVE NEW JERSEY (August 4, 2017)
“In 1938, the residents of a small town in New Jersey react in various forms of panic after listening to Orson Welles’ radio broadcast rendition of H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds.”

This one always cracks me up. People back then listening to the radio play of War of the Worlds thinkin’ it was a real alien invasion and crapping their suspendered farm pants sideways. Always loved Orson Wells’ TV interview later where he looked visibly shaken and dumbfounded that people took his radio show literally. When the cameras turned off, Wells probably went into the men’s room, sparked a fatty and laughed his ass off. As well he should have.

STRANGER THINGS 2 (Oct. 27, 2017)
“It’s 1984 and the citizens of Hawkins, Indiana are still reeling from the horrors of the Demogorgon and the secrets of Hawkins Lab. Will Byers has been rescued from the Upside Down but a bigger, sinister entity still threatens those who survived.”

The first season of Stranger Things (2016) was a surprise mind-blower and became the left-field mega hit of the year. This means Stranger Things 2 — if they don’t screw it up — could be even bigger and should fulfill your daily recommended allowance of Demogorgons.

GHASTLIES (November 11, 2017)
“Three sorority sisters plan an initiation for their nerdy friend during a weekend getaway. Things don’t go exactly as planned when they accidentally stumble upon a craft containing a trio of extraterrestrial ghastly ghouls. Armed with only their boyfriends and brains, they resolve to send these pint-sized gatecrashers back to the edge of the universe — or die trying.”

I like the “or die trying” part, though by telling us the sorority sisters are armed only with their boyfriends and brains, clearly they’re missing the bigger picture here. They have everything they need stuffed under their shirts to take down the aliens. Just ask their boyfriends.

PSYCHOPATHS (2017/2018)
“Several psychopaths wreak havoc over the course of a violent evening.”

This one gets the most economic press release award of the year. Eleven words that sum up not only the movie, but last call at the Tug Inn or “tavern” (1.5 miles from where I’m currently busking for bit coins). Normally, I’d give that reference prop to The Poggie Tavern, but since they cleaned it up, it’s no longer a toxic, biological disaster dive bar. Still smells like cigarette smoke, though — from 10 years ago.