Giant Food, Old West Werewolves, That ’80s Critter

In the ensuing rush to cash in on all things Godzilla and his new movie (I seemed to have forgotten the title), now comes the 1961 release of Mothra on Blu-ray™ (July 9, 2019/Mill Creek Entertainment) for the first time in North America. I have the original DVD/VHS/Betamax versions drunk purchased from eBay™/Japan, so a Blu-ray version isn’t gonna have me grabbin’ for my coin purse any time soon.

If you haven’t seen Mothra, the world’s biggest butterfly, here’s the plottage: “Following reports of human life on Infant Island, the supposedly deserted site of atomic bomb tests, an international expedition to the heavily-radiated island discovers a native tribe and tiny twin female fairies called ‘Shobijin’ who guard a sacred egg. The overzealous expedition leader kidnaps the Shobijin to exhibit in a Tokyo stage show but soon they summon their protector, hatching the egg and releasing a giant caterpillar. When Mothra arrives in Japan and finally transforms into the ultimate beast, impervious to modern weapons, the nation and its people face their destruction.”

The first time you see the Mothra egg wash up on the beach, try and guess how many omelets it could make. (I figured it out — it’s one. But you’ll need a frying pan about the size of a football field in which to cook it. And you’re gonna need a LOT of salt and pepper. Silverware? Screw that — just cannonball right into the middle of that gooey sucker!) 

Before we sit down to a Godzilla-sized breakfast, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as a gigantic sacred egg…

HIGH MOON (May 14, 2019)
“Colt — a gunslinging werewolf slayer from the old west — mysteriously rises from the grave, only to find that the band of werewolves that brutally murdered his wife are still running rampant generations later. Aided by a beautiful widow, a skeptical town sheriff  and a corrupt Mayor, Colt must face off with the bloodthirsty creatures once again to save a sleepy southern town from destruction.”

Seems to me they should’ve gone with Wolf Cop to bring these furry fiends to justice. His opening move would be to throw Nair™ in their faces.

CRITTERS ATTACK! (July 23, 2019)
“20-year-old Drea reluctantly takes a job babysitting for a professor of a college she hopes to attend. Struggling to entertain the professor’s children Trissy and Jake, along with her own little brother Phillip, Drea takes them on a hike, unaware that mysterious alien critters have crash-landed and started devouring every living thing they encounter.”

The first Critters movie came out in 1986. And now a sequel that nobody asked for comes out 33 years later (and featuring Dee Wallace who was in the original). Just let it go, man.

A HAUNTING AT SILVER FALLS 2 (2019)
“Several years after a deadly struggle with her serial killer aunt, Jordan, now in college, works to escape her troubled history. But when her aunt’s revenge-seeking specter surfaces to join forces with a deranged convict, Jordan must return to the haunted town of Silver Falls for a final showdown with the ghosts of her past.”

The first one came out in 2013. Didn’t see it. Not sure why. So in this one a ghost teams up with a deranged convict; wonder which one dresses better?

THE CHAIR (2019)
“Richard Sullivan is an innocent man struggling to escape his fate on Death Row. Witnessing the brutal torture and murder of his fellow inmates, will he find a way to survive, or will the insane events of the prison finally consume him? Everything is not what it seems, and sanity is such an easy thing to lose.”

Prison sure sounds a lot more fun than it used to. They serve pretty good mac & cheese…or so I’ve heard. If some guy with a tattoo of a gun on his face wants some of yours, you should probably share.

Happy Alien Day, Dinosaurs vs. Criminals, Rock Mom

Today (Thursday, April 26, 2018) is Alien Day. And yes, it’s a globally recognized religious holiday. Traditional gifts include blurry photographs, night trips to Uranus, watches that stop for hours at a time and unearthly implants.

I’m sure you have a lot of themed activities planned, like going to the YMCA and getting probed in the locker room, inviting fellow abductees over to watch E.T. the Extraterrestrial (1982) and LOLing at that turd-shaped toilet plunger alien, or even stopping by the Museum HR Giger Bar in Château St. Germain, Gruyères, Switzerland (fashioned in part to honor of the late Giger’s Alien concept art) to slug down a few Romulan Ales while trying to score with “female” lifeforms.

I’m headed for Area 51 and taking a few UFOs out for a test spin. It’s important to test drive a few before laying down the big bucks. FYI: Keep the extras like GPS but lose the LoJack™ — the government’s gonna steal it anyway, so why bleed the weasel?

Don’t forget to “phone home” if you party a little too much with your space brothers. Here are  few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to help you forget tomorrow exactly what happened on your Uranus. (Don’t worry; it’ll all come back to vividly haunt you on Facebook™)…

THE JURASSIC GAMES (June 12, 2018/VOD | July 3, 2018/DVD)
“The film imagines a world set in the near future wherein ten Death Row convicts are chosen to compete in The Jurassic Games, the ultimate virtual reality game show that pits its players against dinosaurs and each other. However, there is a catch; if you die in the virtual game, you also die in reality. As the devious Host continues adding improbable challenges, the characters will find the odds stacked against them as only one victor can emerge as winner and reclaim their freedom.”

The TRUE Hunger Games — heh. So criminals versus dinosaurs. My money’s on the dinosaurs. 

VENOM (October 5 (2018)
“One of Marvel’s most enigmatic, complex and badass characters comes to the big screen, starring Academy Award nominated actor Tom Hardy as the lethal protector, Venom.”

Glad they re-serviced the key art. The first one looked like Mothman horked up a Rorschach test.

EMBRYO (2018)
“Kevin and his girlfriend Evelyn, while camping out in the woods in the Chile countryside, are abducted and Evelyn is impregnated by otherworldly beings. As the entity inside her begins to grow at a rapid rate, Evelyn discovers that the cravings she’s experiencing can only be satiated by the taste of human flesh and blood. When she attacks a doctor, Kevin decides not to hand her over to the authorities, but to go on the run and try to get to big city where they can find help to remove the thing that’s slowly taking over Evelyn’s body.”

Creature feature unsafe sex knocker-uppers aren’t new. A few off the top of the ‘ol untouched condom display rack: The Mole People (1956), Day the World Ended (1956), The Alligator People (1959), Alien (1979), Humanoids From The Deep (1980), The Beast Within (1982), Inseminoid (1981), The Fly (1986), The Terror Within (1989)… I could go on for another nine months. Then there’s the reverse impregnation sci-fi romance tale that is Species (1995). Unfortunately, for you, there is no such thing as a “movie after” pill.

HOLLOW BODY (2018)
“A struggling rock band led by Jimmy Kleen makes a deal with Rick Roland, a shady record executive. Things take a dark turn when the band’s lead singer Rachel Swann and her controlling stage mother, are struck by lightning and killed. Rachel comes back to life, now possessed by the spirit of her dead mother and with strange electrical powers she can’t control. Both personalities struggle for dominance of her body while the band begins to take off. Rachel’s bandmate discovers the dark secret behind the band’s success: Rachel is using her electrical powers to kill men and drain them of their electricity, transmuting it into electrifying performances. He and Jimmy must decide if they will stop her or if the high cost of success is a price they are willing to pay.”

Sounds like Shocker (1989) with guitars. For another struck-by-lighting-and-becomes-electricity “accidents”, look no further than Supergirl’s not-BFF, Livewire on the hit CW hit TV series. Say what you will about her being bonkers and able to throw electricity around like parade candy, she could re-charge your cell phone in, like, one second. That’s pretty neat.