Burger King™, MacDonald’s™ golden arch nemesis, is upping the fast food game with the premier of the Spider-Verse™ Whopper, complete with a red bun and whatever they can stuff in-between ’em. And it’s upgradeable with a Spider-Verse™ Sundae, which is ice cream topped with black and red chocolate candies. That’s cool, I suppose, but they missed the marketing hoop by not offering web-like cotton candy.
The Spider-Verse™ Whopper is available for digestion purposes from May 15 to June 21, 2023, which is ahead of the premiere of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse. But there’s more from BK’s™ press release: “Spider-Verse will also taking over select restaurants in New York City, France, United Arab Emirates, Brazil and other locations. The locations will have interactive designs that place guests and fans inside the action-packed Spider-Verse.” They had me at other locations.
So while we scope out a BK™ eatery to park our peter (heh), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be topped with black and red chocolate candies to make up for bland plot flavors…
SAINT DROGO / Out now (VOD)
A gay couple, whose relationship has grown a bit strained, take an impromptu trip to Provincetown, Cape Cod in the off-season. Caleb, one half of the couple, has been plagued by nightmares of his ex, who had been working in Provincetown for the summer. When they arrive to town, it appears Caleb’s ex has gone missing. As disturbing hallucinations continue to haunt Caleb, he becomes more determined in finding him. But the closer he gets, the sooner he nears the sinister secret the town is hiding.”
The sinister secret the town is hiding is that the Wellfleet oysters at Mac’s Fish House Provincetown are served without silverware. This means if you get raw oyster juice on your fingers and then rub your eye, your eye will swell up to the size of a hard boiled egg. Just pray it doesn’t explode and get pupil particles over your Old Navy™ Classic Fit Linen-Blend Polo shirt.
DEATH RIDER IN THE HOUSE OF VAMPIRES / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)
“The mysterious Death Rider – clad all in black – travels through the desert on horseback. His destination — Vampire Sanctuary. The entrance fee — one female virgin. Once inside he encounters Count Holliday, Vampire Lord of Sanctuary, who warns him against any transgressions. Blood and guns action follow as Death Rider tangles with some of the vampires of Sanctuary like the smoldering Carmilla Joe with her sidekick Mina Belle and vampire gunslingers Drac Cassidy, Bad Bathory, Kid Vlad and Duke VonWayne.”
This one, by Danzig/Samhain/Misfits horror frontman, Glenn Danzig, was release to select theaters (i.e., the neighbor’s living room) in 2021. Now it’s showing its teeth at the Cannes Film Festival. Speaking of teeth, no word on whether or not the 68-year-old rock “star”/senior citizen will be wearing dentures to the premier.
MAYA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“A teenage girl can’t remember her childhood. With the help of her adopted sister, Kalika, Maya seeks to recover her lost memories, unaware of the horrors that this journey will bring. Both leads do an admirable job of portraying the fear around losing — or watching someone — lose their grip on reality.”
This one’s being described as A Tale of Two Sisters and The Changeling. Guess which one of those I watched?
THUMPER’S REVENGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“Screams echo in the meadow and blood will spill when hunters take aim at Bambi from the hill. They can run and they can plead, but Thumper is about to make them bleed.”
That bottom of the barrel I keep talking about? Apparently there isn’t one.
Drinkin' & Drive-in 