Archive for CW

Super Girlfriends, Family Werewolf, Murder Cabins

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 23, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Superman and Lois Lane

After nearly four years of battling aliens and her chaotic love life, Supergirl (on CW) has not only added Superman (Tyler Hoechlin — Season 3/nice teeth), but now, after countless references to his relentless relationship with Lois Lane, we’ll finally get to see her actual face and relentless reporter skills during Elseworlds, the three-night crossover (relentlessly mentioned in this blog by someone who looks a lot like me) coming December, 2018 on Supergirl, The Flash and Arrow. (Geez, that was a run-on sentence.) This got me thinking (had to wirelessly beer-charge the ‘ol Cracker Jack box™ that is my brain) to do a Lois Lane inventory.Elizabeth Tulloch

While the prize-winning investigative journalist has been recast relentless times in comic books (I conservatively think there were 1.2 million versions), Lois Lane has been portrayed at least 10 times, if you count Joan Alexander, the voice of Lois on radio (TV screen without a screen) from 1940 to 1951. (And you thought kryptonite was Superman’s only weakness.) His rotating girlfriends include Noell Neill, Phyllis Coates, Margot Kidder, Teri Hatcher, Erica Durance, Kate Bosworth, Uma Thurman (playing the fake Lois Lane on the “Superhero Speed Dating” segment in Movie 43/2013), Amy Adams, and now in Supergirl, Elizabeth Tulloch. That’s a lot of Valentine’s Day candy Superman had/has to buy.

Lois Lane comics

To illustrate just how super Superman’s girlfriend is, she was in 137 issues of DC’s Superman’s Girlfriend, Lois Lane from, 1958 to 1974. (Dang, that was a redundant sentence.) Then she had a front and center role in Lois Lane, her own comic book title, from 1962 to 1965 and was DC Comics’ third best-selling funny book during those funny years.

Lois Lane

So while we wait to welcome the newest Lois Lane to Superman’s little black book, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of Superman’s Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder…

End of the World

END OF THE WORLD (available now)
“As mass of solar storms causes tsunamis, volcanoes, and flooding, a city-dwelling family attempts to flee to the relative safety of a group of high-elevation caves several miles away.”

The cover of the DVD depicts Seattle’s iconic Space Needle being kicked in the struts and falling down upon the city where I live and drink. This sucks as they just completed the Space Needle’s remodel of installing a transparent floor 605 feet up. Unless the pervs down below have binoculars, all you ladies wearing skirts while visiting the Needle won’t have to worry.

Alpha Wolf

ALPHA WOLF (available now)
“A couple moves into a secluded cabin in an attempt to salvage their relationship and finds their world torn apart when the husband transforms into a murderous werewolf. Things grow more bizarre when the family dog leaps in to save the wife and suffers his own transformation.”

I guess the cabin trip was to hopefully reconcile that time the wife threw Nair™ on her husband’s face during an argument on whether or not to use silver bullets in the family repeating shotgun. Those things tend to get worse if not talked through before a full moon.

Mother Krampus 2

MOTHER KRAMPUS 2 (available now)
On Christmas Eve four young women wrap up their community service with one last visit to the older and less fortunate. As darkness falls and the cold settles in, they realize there is far more to their seemingly innocent host than meets the eye.”

I bet the seemingly innocent host is Mother Krampus. Just a hunch.

The Cabin

THE CABIN (December 4, 2018)
Young American couple, Rose and Harry are on their way to visit Harry’s family cabin, both as a nostalgic vacation and as a way to rekindle their relationship. But they’re not the only one that decided to visit the cabin this weekend. The vacation is quickly turned into a living nightmare for Rose and Harry as they meet a vicious sociopath, who invites them into a involuntary cat and mouse game.”

Why is it remote cabins are where married couples go to fix relationships? Everybody knows that’s where murderous werewolves and/or vicious sociopaths go to shoot fish in a barrel.

Tattooed Superhero, Pentagon Aliens, Eating Planets

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Batgirl

Going batty over the first released pic of Ruby Rose as the new Batgirl. Before she launches her own series, CW is gonna have her do pop-ups in The Flash, Supergirl and Arrow. (It’ll be called Elseworlds. Batman is gonna be so jealous.)

Ruby Rose

Ruby Rose, if you didn’t hear, is being touted as the first gay female superhero in the lead role. While CW already has several high-profile gay/lesbian characters in their superhero shows, this is further great news. And the stunningly attractive and badass Ruby — former Australian model, actress, and television presenter who is literally painted in tattoos — is an awesome casting choice. (You saw her in The Meg, yes? The shark wisely chose to swim in the opposite direction of her.)

Ruby Rose

While we wait impatiently for Ruby to turn criminals into prison fertilizer, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not be as cool as the new Batgirl

Aliens At The Pentagon

ALIENS AT THE PENTAGON (available now)
“For years the US government denied investigating UFOs. But when an ultra-secret Pentagon program to study the Alien threat was exposed in late 2017, the world was stunned by this revelation. Nick Pope, aka ‘The Real Fox Mulder’, investigated UFOs and other unexplained phenomena for the British government. Now Nick exposes the secretive workings of the Pentagon’s real-life X-Files unit, using his knowledge and past experience to tell the incredible story as only a true government insider can.”

If you’re a fan of UFO documentaries like, um, me, then you’ll no doubt want to rent this one. But don’t buy it if you’re planning on being abducted by aliens in the near future. I’m still waiting.

Haunted

HAUNTED (October 19, 2018/Netflix™)
Netflix’s™ Haunted gives a chilling glimpse into the first-person accounts from people who have witnessed horrifying, peculiar, extraordinary supernatural events and other unexplained phenomena that continue to haunt them.”

The only horrifying event I’ve ever witnessed is the bar I’m in closing at 2AM. I’m getting the shakes just thinking about it. Then again, maybe it’s all that beer that’s giving me the trembles.

Godzilla: The Planet Eater

GODZILLA: THE PLANET EATER (November 9, 2018/Japan | Netflix™ 2019)
“Last year, Toho and Polygon kicked off an animated trilogy with Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters, which continued this year with Godzilla: City on the Edge of Battle (now on Netflix™). The trilogy ends with Godzilla: The Planet Eater.”

Awesome title. And it suits Godzilla Earth perfectly as he can be seen in the previous two animated features biting into mountains as if they were Hostess Cupcakes™. So if he eats a planet for dinner, what might be a good side dish — a jungle salad, perhaps?

Pet Sematary

PET SEMATARY (April 5, 2019)
“Based on the seminal horror novel by Stephen King, Pet Sematary follows Dr. Louis Creed, who, after relocating with his wife Rachel and their two young children from Boston to rural Maine, discovers a mysterious burial ground hidden deep in the woods near the family’s new home. When tragedy strikes, Louis turns to his unusual neighbor, Jud Crandall, setting off a perilous chain reaction that unleashes an unfathomable evil with horrific consequences.”

If you saw the original adaptation (1989), it was pretty dang excellent, even if it was a spin on the Monkey’s Paw back-from-the-dead gut-punch. I don’t care as the trailer for the new one looks to continue the thrills, chills and doctor bills.

Demonic Beekeeper, Horror TV, Holiday Shark

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 17, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

AHS: Apocalypse

Getting giddy for the upcoming premier of American Horror Story: Apocalypse. The teasers are eerie and stylishly cool, an AHS trademark. Kinda like expensive perfume TV commercials.

AHS: Apocalypse

Some background info in case you’ve been living under a rock: “American Horror Story: Apocalypse is the eighth season of the FX horror anthology television series American Horror Story. It will premiere on September 12, 2018. Series co-creator Ryan Murphy (Glee, Feud) has confirmed that the new season will be a crossover between Season 1 (AHS: Murder House) and Season 3 (AHS: Coven).

While we count down the days until TV becomes good again, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stink like expensive perfume…

Santa Jaws

SANTA JAWS (available now/SyFy™ Channel)
“Trying to survive the family Christmas, Cody makes a wish to be alone, which ends up backfiring when a shark manifests and kills his entire family.”

Not surprised — the title alone has inspired countless memes, so it makes sense that someone would capitalize on it. Personally, I would’ve gone with Mama Shark, in tribute of Mother’s Day. If Mama Shark tells you to go clean your room and you don’t do it, the living room rug will likely need to be forensically vacuumed to get what’s left of your torso/face/leg meat out of the absorbent fibers.

What Keeps You Alive

WHAT KEEPS YOU ALIVE (August 24, 2018)
Jackie and Jules are a couple celebrating their first anniversary at a secluded cabin in the woods belonging to Jackie’s family. From the moment they arrive, something changes in Jules’ normally loving wife, as Jackie begins to reveal a previously unknown dark side — all building up to a shocking revelation that will pit Jules against the woman she loves in a terrifying fight to survive.”

Sounds more like a regular relationship than a horror movie. But then again, aren’t all relationships kind of a horror movie when you think about it?

Hell House LLC II: The Abaddon Hotel

HELL HOUSE LLC II: THE ABADDON HOTEL (September 14, 2018/Limited)
“The sequel picks up eight years since the opening night tragedy of Hell House LLC; still many unanswered questions remain. Thanks to an anonymous tip, an investigative journalist is convinced that key evidence is hidden inside the abandoned Abaddon Hotel. This evidence that will shed light on: the hotel’s mysteries, many unsolved deaths and disappearances.”

Didn’t see the first one, so I have little insight here. Hey, I was BUSY. Supergirl on The CW™ isn’t gonna watch itself. Did a bit ‘o research — Abaddon is defined as this: “In the New Testament Book of Revelation, an angel called Abaddon is described as the king of an army of locusts.” Sounds like a beekeeper.

The Dawnseeker

THE DAWNSEKER (September 4, 2018)
“2245, the Earth’s sun has dwindled and no longer provides the energy needed to sustain human life. Five hired mercenaries travel to an uncharted planet to collect a rare mineral known as stardust to replenish the dying star. After their spaceship crashes on the alien planet, they are stalked and hunted by a creature far more advanced than anything they have ever encountered before.”

Stardust is the hippie/druggie code name for cocaine. Sprinkle a pile of that on the dying sun and that thing will fire up and want to party. It’ll be a short party, though. Other than that, this one sounds suspiciously like The Predator.

Happy Alien Day, Dinosaurs vs. Criminals, Rock Mom

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 26, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Day

Today (Thursday, April 26, 2018) is Alien Day. And yes, it’s a globally recognized religious holiday. Traditional gifts include blurry photographs, night trips to Uranus, watches that stop for hours at a time and unearthly implants.

HR Giger Museum Bar

I’m sure you have a lot of themed activities planned, like going to the YMCA and getting probed in the locker room, inviting fellow abductees over to watch E.T. the Extraterrestrial (1982) and LOLing at that turd-shaped toilet plunger alien, or even stopping by the Museum HR Giger Bar in Château St. Germain, Gruyères, Switzerland (fashioned in part to honor of the late Giger’s Alien concept art) to slug down a few Romulan Ales while trying to score with “female” lifeforms.

Area 51

I’m headed for Area 51 and taking a few UFOs out for a test spin. It’s important to test drive a few before laying down the big bucks. FYI: Keep the extras like GPS but lose the LoJack™ — the government’s gonna steal it anyway, so why bleed the weasel?

E.T. the Extraterrestrial

Don’t forget to “phone home” if you party a little too much with your space brothers. Here are  few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to help you forget tomorrow exactly what happened on your Uranus. (Don’t worry; it’ll all come back to vividly haunt you on Facebook™)…

The Jurassic Games

THE JURASSIC GAMES (June 12, 2018/VOD | July 3, 2018/DVD)
“The film imagines a world set in the near future wherein ten Death Row convicts are chosen to compete in The Jurassic Games, the ultimate virtual reality game show that pits its players against dinosaurs and each other. However, there is a catch; if you die in the virtual game, you also die in reality. As the devious Host continues adding improbable challenges, the characters will find the odds stacked against them as only one victor can emerge as winner and reclaim their freedom.”

The TRUE Hunger Games — heh. So criminals versus dinosaurs. My money’s on the dinosaurs. 

Venom

VENOM (October 5 (2018)
“One of Marvel’s most enigmatic, complex and badass characters comes to the big screen, starring Academy Award nominated actor Tom Hardy as the lethal protector, Venom.”

Venom

Glad they re-serviced the key art. The first one looked like Mothman horked up a Rorschach test.

Embryo

EMBRYO (2018)
Kevin and his girlfriend Evelyn, while camping out in the woods in the Chile countryside, are abducted and Evelyn is impregnated by otherworldly beings. As the entity inside her begins to grow at a rapid rate, Evelyn discovers that the cravings she’s experiencing can only be satiated by the taste of human flesh and blood. When she attacks a doctor, Kevin decides not to hand her over to the authorities, but to go on the run and try to get to big city where they can find help to remove the thing that’s slowly taking over Evelyn’s body.”

Creature feature unsafe sex knocker-uppers aren’t new. A few off the top of the ‘ol untouched condom display rack: The Mole People (1956), Day the World Ended (1956), The Alligator People (1959), Alien (1979), Humanoids From The Deep (1980), The Beast Within (1982), Inseminoid (1981), The Fly (1986), The Terror Within (1989)… I could go on for another nine months. Then there’s the reverse impregnation sci-fi romance tale that is Species (1995). Unfortunately, for you, there is no such thing as a “movie after” pill.

Hollow Body

HOLLOW BODY (2018)
“A struggling rock band led by Jimmy Kleen makes a deal with Rick Roland, a shady record executive. Things take a dark turn when the band’s lead singer Rachel Swann and her controlling stage mother, are struck by lightning and killed. Rachel comes back to life, now possessed by the spirit of her dead mother and with strange electrical powers she can’t control. Both personalities struggle for dominance of her body while the band begins to take off. Rachel’s bandmate discovers the dark secret behind the band’s success: Rachel is using her electrical powers to kill men and drain them of their electricity, transmuting it into electrifying performances. He and Jimmy must decide if they will stop her or if the high cost of success is a price they are willing to pay.”

Sounds like Shocker (1989) with guitars. For another struck-by-lighting-and-becomes-electricity “accidents”, look no further than Supergirl’s not-BFF, Livewire on the hit CW hit TV series. Say what you will about her being bonkers and able to throw electricity around like parade candy, she could re-charge your cell phone in, like, one second. That’s pretty neat.

Godzilla’s Butt, Storm In A Box, Stuffed Terror

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shin Godzilla

If you did/didn’t see Shin Godzilla (2016), you’ll still have a gnawing urge to buy the insanely detailed  “frozen” Godzilla action model, complete with that awesome mutated tail. (Note: If you didn’t see Shin Godzilla, please unread the previous sentence as it will spoil your TV dinner.)

Shin Godzilla

Bandai™ is selling said model/action figure/occasional table guardian in July, 2018 (I don’t know when that is) and the SH MonsterArts design will set you back $132.00 U.S. bit coins, though there is no North America release date scheduled. This means you’ll have to fly to Japan, get a hotel, take a taxi to the nearest toy store, buy the model, go back to the hotel and drink up all the mini-bar beverages, and fly all the way back home and build a nightstand shrine for it. Or you can order it online. Whatev.

Shin Godzilla

While you pack your suitcase (leave room for some duty-free saki purchasable at the Narita Airport), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that probably don’t rent for $132.00…

Doomsday Device

DOOMSDAY DEVICE (available now)
“Two FBI agents trying to arrest several crooks who find an ancient Japanese artifact of enormous power. Now, they must stop the crooks from delivering the stone to the criminal mastermind, who is a rich businessman.”

They don’t tell you what the “enormously powerful” stone does, but looking at the key art, it appears to control the weather. Wish I could do that. If so, I’d make it rain on everybody’s parade except mine. Now that I think of it, maybe I’ll make it purple rain. And it’ll stain like nobody’s business.

Atlantic Rim Resurrection

ATLANTIC RIM RESURRECTION (available now)
Mech-bots, with even bigger and badder weapons than their predecessors, attempt to stop bio-mechanical monsters from descending on LA. But the monsters are stronger, leaving the pilots of the mech-bots scrambling to defeat the creatures.”

Could’ve predicted this one without the help of those 1-800 psychics. Once AGAIN The Asylum is cashing in on someone else’s intellectual property to make a cheap knock-off and a quick buck. Atlantic Rim Resurrection, of course, is the sequel to Atlantic Rim (2013), which “borrowed” from Pacific Rim, and now Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), the upcoming sequel, as well. Be careful walking by Asylum’s offices; if they look out the window and see what you’re wearing, by the time you get to the end of the block, the staff will all be dressed exactly like you.

Alpha Gateway

ALPHA GATEWAY (available now)
“A particle physicist grieving over the loss of her husband in a car crash travels to a parallel world to find him again, with dire consequences for her family.”

Um, is this not a main part of the story arc of CW’s hit TV series, The Flash? Every time Barry Allen, oops, I mean the Flash (dang — I just gave away his secret identity) travels either forward or backward in time, he messes up everyone’s chi. Also, this plot takes liberty from The Butterfly Effect (2004). But if you’ve been traveling back and forth in time, you already knew that.

Teddy Bears Are For Lovers

TEDDY BEARS ARE FOR LOVERS (2018/2019)
“During a college-wide Valentine’s Day party, a 20-something Casanova is targeted by a group of blood thirsty, adorable Teddy Bears seeking revenge for the hearts he has broken, and must confront his ex-girlfriends to break the curse.”

Bloodthirsty Teddy Bears. So this is what the bottom of the idea barrel looks like.

Steel Monsters, Dying As Art, Hell Boys & Girls

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hank Boyd Is Dead

I’ve come to the unassailable conclusion that laying on the couch (in any direction) should be recognized as a form of exercise. And like working out, are you not tired after seven hours of laying there watching monster movies? Same as exercise. I rest my case.

Speaking of things that are lazy, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies (or “films”) that may or may not had  some sort of effort put into with the title or the plot…

HANK BOYD IS DEAD (June 27, 2017)
“Struggling actress/caterer Sarah Walsh is left alone to tend to the post-funeral gathering for Hank Boyd, a quiet loner who stood accused of a horrific crime. She knew Hank in high school and finds it hard to believe that he could do anything terrible. However, her opinion begins to change after she meets Hank’s brother David as the family’s secrets are exposed and the bodies pile up. If she hopes to survive and all because…Hank Boyd is dead.”

Sounds more like a CW™ mini series than a movie. Boring title, which indicates “meh” across the board. And before you start e-yelling at me for prejudging, I have watched “horror” movies almost exactly like this for years and decided to move on to more entertaining ventures, like street corner begging and dumpster diving.

The Wolf Man

UNIVERSAL CLASSIC MONSTERS (September 12, 2017/Best Buy)
“Seven classic Universalmonster movies are getting the steelbook treatment, each featuring stunning black & white art by Alex Ross. The following films will be part of the collection: The Wolf Man (1941), The Invisible Man (1933), Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954), The Mummy (1932), Dracula (1931), Bride of Frankenstein (1935) and Frankenstein (1931).

Gotta hand it to Universal for finding new ways to re-package the same seven monster movies they built their empire on nearly 90 years ago. This time they’re putting the classic horror movies in steel boxes, not unlike what you would put a peanut butter sandwich in to nosh on during recess.

This is not a new concept; World Market™, purveyors of over-priced wicker couches, has been selling Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein metal hors devours trays every Halloween for years. I have the whole set. Still don’t know what “hors devours” are (sounds like a cannibal hooker). But licensed and over-priced trays are handy to put snacks on. Not crackers, though; those dang things slide right off onto your shag carpet, where crumbs are nearly impossible to get out.

Flesh of the Void

FLESH OF THE VOID ( 2017/2018)
Flesh of the Void is an extreme experimental horror feature, visualizing what it could feel like if the act of dying was a truly horrible experience. Shot extensively on Super 8 and 16mm, it is intended as a disjointed, surreal trip through the deepest and most violent fears of the human condition, depicting its subject in a radical, grotesque and raw manner, refusing to shy away from societal taboos.”

Pfffft — I go through the act of dying every time the bartender yells, “Last call!” Do like the premise, though, as I pretty much assumed kicking the bucket was a black (or white) affair. Black is where you go if you have unresolved anti-Bible skeletons in your closet. Or some ratty farm with Black Phillip landlording the place. I have no reference to the white end game. Maybe a Seattle beach during one of the three days it actually sunshines up here and everybody comes out of their caves with nearly translucent and sickly skin.

Hellboy: Rose of the Blood Queen

HELLBOY: RISE OF THE BLOOD QUEEN (in production/2018)
“This franchise reboot is reportedly aiming for an R-rating and a horror movie style. In the Hellboy comics, the ‘Queen of Blood’ is a powerful British witch, also known as The Lady of the Lake.”

Lady of the Lake. Wasn’t that the name of a tepid M. Night Shyamalan movie back in 2006? And wasn’t in a condo swimming pool as opposed to a lake? I would’ve changed the movie’s title, too; Lady in the Swimming Pool just doesn’t have enough zing. But I digress — happy to see Hellboy being re-booted. Now if they could just do the same thing with Plastic Man