Archive for curse

Die Kill Bleed Jubilee

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Krampus: Unleashed

Four more new ones as of today to throw on the “I’ll watch ’em when I get to ’em” backlogged fire.

Speaking of, maybe I should fire up a crowd-funding campaign to buy more TVs so I can watch five horror movies at the same time. (Some might call that “multi-tasking.”) I’ll also need extra cash for snacks and adult beverages as well. Help me reach my goal, won’t you?

KRAMPUS: UNLEASHED (November 1, 2016 / VOD – December 13, 2016 / DVD)
“In pursuit of a lost treasure a group of fortune hunters mistakenly unearth an ancient demonic summoning stone that holds a terrible curse and awakens a timeless evil — the Krampus.”

Gotta say, even with all these Krampus movies of late, I’m still diggin’ evil K’s groove. Here’s a guy who punishes you during the holidays, not like that annoyingly gleeful other guy who rewards your unsatisfactory behavior with dry cookies and hand-knitted sweaters. I bet Santa takes uppers.

The Dark Stranger

THE DARK STRANGER (available now)
While recovering from a recent traumatic event and afraid to leave her own home. As part of her therapy she begins drawing a graphic novel in which an ominous Dark Stranger pursues a lonely girl doll, across a foreboding fairy tale landscape. As the novel progresses Leah begins to see the Dark Stranger in real life. At first she isn’t sure if she is completely losing her mind, or if the Stranger is a deadly supernatural force trying to destroy her.”

Let me get this straight — you draw an evil entity and it comes to life? Time to sharpen my crayons and get to sketchin’ a self-portrait – I have pressing need for another evil me.

The Purging Hour

THE PURGING HOUR (available now)
“With the hopes of a new life for his family, Bruce Diaz left the harsh city for the serene mountains of California. Upon arrival to their new home the Diaz family fell victim to one of the most horrific crimes in history. With no serviceable evidence being retrieved, the case was eventually dismissed. Several years later, the family’s personal home movie footage was released by an anonymous source.”

Sounds like YET ANOTHER found footage flick featuring unendurable characters with hand-held video cameras with batteries that have a longer life span than the people holding ’em. Massacre on Aisle 12

MASSACRE ON AISLE 12 (November 4, 2016)
“As a hardware store begins to close, a duffel bag of cash is found, but so is a body. Now, the employees must decide what to do with both items. Should they turn the cash in, or go on a Christmas shopping spree? Events take an even bloodier turn when the employees turn on each other.

They should donate the money to my crowd-funding page to help me buy five TVs in order to watch more horror movies more often. (I have one TV, but could use back-up in case the power goes out.)

Hell Is Full Of Green Gunk

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Drag Me To Hell

In order to advance her stimulating career as a bank loan officer, Christine Brown denies an old gypsy woman an extension on a mortgage, thereby invoking a curse, that when applied properly, will drag your soul to Hell. In other words, account closed.

Drag Me To Hell

The gypsy, who dies and comes back to enable said curse by way of a button (don’t ask), looks like one of the moms of The Evil Dead (1981). The rules are clear, though – give the cursed coat button to someone else, then their soul will burn in Hell for, like, a million years. The plan is to give the button back to the dead gypsy woman. I know what you’re thinking, but according to gypsy law, the soul never dies, hence…

Drag Me To Hell

If you can’t predict the ending at this point, go to Hell. The gypsy woman, who spends a lot of time throwing up stuff (maggots, green gunk, undigested breath mints) in Christine’s mouth, is nicely yucky. But the story and effects are as lackluster as my skills with curses.

Drag Me To Hell

Try and see if you can get through Drag Me To Hell’s (2009) seance scene without laughing or throwing up green gunk. Can’t be done.

Thong vs. Wrong

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Witch's Curse

In The Witch’s Curse (1963), an Italian fantasy horror sword ’n sorcery thong fest, a freshly-married couple arrives in a Scottish village (where no one has an accent) and everyone believes the woman of them to be the reincarnation of a 500 year-old witch. So burn they must.

The Witch's Curse

But wait, isn’t that Hercul…uh, no, guess not. It’s Maciste, a man of strong man in a thong. He’ll tell us what to do. He half-ass rescues the couple and in order to get to the bottom of this witch B.S., he goes to a cursed tree, pushes it over, revealing a well-lit hole that leads to…HELL. What the heck – another adventure.

The Witch's Curse

Descending into the Earth’s alimentary canal, Maciste (what a metro name) battles a Sasquatch Wild Boar Man, who gets in a few slobber-knockers. Then he runs into another Hercul…uh, a strong man in a thong, whose chained up with a vulture eating/pecking his guts. That doesn’t stop him from carrying on a conversation with Maciste, though. Maciste also takes on a lion, a giant ogre, a cyclops and a herd of charging Texas Longhorns (!) before forcing the witch to lift her curse.

The Witch's Curse

Meanwhile, the married couple on the Earth’ surface are being burned at the stake. Can Maciste get there before this campfire banquet reaches its charcoal-y conclusion? Is there a way to possibly make it rain on the fire but not everyone else? Will Maciste ride off into the sunset on a horse that’s clearly not his? If you can’t figure out the answers to these burning questions, I hereby curse you for 500 years.

Psycho Santas and Evil Monkeys

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 22, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Good Tidings

Good Tidings, a psycho slasher Christmas movie, is scheduled for release in December of 2016. Confused as to why they’re advertising it now in October of 2015 when Christmas is just mere weeks away. (Have you picked out what you’re getting me yet? I take anything in a size 40 oz.)

Good Tidings

What waiting will yield: “A homeless war veteran with a chequered past must rely on a side of himself once thought buried when he and his companions are targeted by three vicious psychopaths wearing Santa suits on Christmas Day.”

Psychopaths wearing Santa suits – has the world gone mad? That’s just not cool, man. Yeah, it’s been done dozens of holidays before. But that doesn’t make it any less wrong.

The Amityville Legacy

Also being advertised now and scheduled for a late 2016 release is YET ANOTHER Amityville Horror spin-off, this one titled The Amityville Legacy. If you think that’s a groaner, check out the seriously weak plot which attempts to milk a cow that dried up years ago…

“A cursed antique toy monkey from the original DeFeo home wrecks havoc and possesses a father after being gifted during an annual family reunion…”

On second thought, maybe psycho Santas aren’t so bad after all.

The Unending Horror of Amityville

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 7, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Amityville: The Awakening

It isn’t schedule for release until 2016, but already red flags are going up around the impending Amityville – The Awakening, another coattail rider in the beleaguered Amityville Horror franchise, which started in 1979. (Amityville: The Awakening is the 14th offering in a once-kinda cool but now painfully laughable series.)

And they haven’t decided what to call it. Wikipedia has it listed as Amityville: The Reawakening, but the ad posters simply have it titled as Amityville: The Awakening. The irony here is that the sequel will probably put you to sleep (if the trailer is any indication). Here’s some more knuckleheadedness – Wikipedia™ states that the movie was released on January 2, 2015, yet IMDB.com says it comes out in April of 2016. Somebody needs to re-awake, pick a lane, and drive in it.

Amityville: The Awakening

So here’s how they go to the cursed well one more time: “Belle, her little sister Juliet, and her comatose twin brother James move into a new house with their single mother Joan in order to save money to help pay for her brother’s expensive healthcare.”

“But when strange phenomena begin to occur in the house including the miraculous recovery of her brother and Belle’s increasingly horrifying nightmares, Belle begins to suspect her mother isn’t telling her everything and soon realizes they just moved into the infamous Amityville house.”

Amityville: The Awakening

Weak. Clearly, after 14 movies, they ran out of ways to cash in other than to cram “Amityville” in the title and make leap of believability to place everyone back in the most infamous haunted house in the world. They should call it Amityville: The Re-Sleepening.

Ghost Dimension

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Paranormal Activity: Ghost Dimension

Just about gave up on the Paranormal Activity franchise after Paranormal Activity 4 (2012) aimed straight at ‘tweeners, and the ill-advised/painfully clumsy spin-off, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014). But all the lingering questions from the series that bubbled to the surface of my clearly damaged thought process look to be answered with the release of Paranormal Activity: Ghost Dimension, releasing October 23, 2015 on – get this – Imax3D, as well as all the other 115 formats only tech nerds care about.

Paranormal Activity: Ghost Dimension

In PA:GD (the final installment), a new family gets brought into the otherworldly mix, who move into a house and discover a video camera and a box of tapes in the garage. (Nope, not suburbia porno, unfortunately.) When said tapes are viewed, they begin to see the paranormal activity happening around them — including the re-emergence of young Kristi and Katie, the two little girls from Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) prequel, who hooked up with the invisible demon Toby (he’s mean) and started the whole supernatural familial curse thing hinted at in the first two flicks.

Paranormal Activity: Ghost Dimension

Toby better show himself in the new one. And I gotta know if anyone cleaned up the baby powder they sprinkled on the floor to see invisible demon footprints. While I’m on the subject, did anyone wash those sheets after some unseen thing yanked them off the bed and probably blew its nose in ’em like some paranormal hanky? And would it kill someone to properly dispose of all those bent in half bodies laying around? Talk about germ magnets.

There’s no reason a haunted house can’t be a clean haunted house.

Jinn and Tonic

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jinn

Jinn are mythological and supernatural engendered creatures who have free will. What they don’t have is pants. At least none we mortals can see. Jinn can be good, bad or last call drunk ass crazy, which makes me believe I have Jinn in my bloodline. (More likely GIN in my bloodstream. Ha!)

Anyway, the movie Jinn arrives March 10, 2015 on VOD and DVD on April 14, 2015. If you’re tired of rubbing the lamp, you can pre-order through Amazon.com. (Is that thing still around?)

Jinn

Here’s what you need to know about Jinn: “Shawn, an automotive designer, enjoys an idyllic life with his new wife Jasmine until it is interrupted a cryptic message, which warns of imminent danger and a curse that has afflicted his family for generations.”

“Having lost his parents as a child, Shawn doesn’t believe this unsettling revelation of his past….until strange things start to happen. Unable to explain the threats and fearing for his life, Shawn turns to Gabriel and Father Westhoff, a mysterious duo claiming to have answers.”

“With their help, and the aid of Ali, a shackled mental patient, Shawn discovers there is far more to this world than he ever imagined. These revelations set him on a collision course with the unknown, and he alone must find the strength protect his family and confront the ancient evil that is hunting them.”

Curse? Shackled mental patient? Ancient evil? Sounds like The Poggie Tavern, of which I am an open-to-close customer. OK, maybe not open-to-close. But enough to qualify as an employee.