Archive for crucifixion

X-Files Anniversary, Demonic Kids Games, Zombie Baby-Making

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, UFOs, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The X-Files

Talk about finding the Holy Grail of sci-fi TV series — 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment™ is issuing all 11 seasons/218 episodes of The X-Files on DVD/Blu-ray box set on October 15, 2018 to commemorate the pop culture phenomenon’s 25th anniversary. Now you can binge watch (take the week off from work) all those elusive flying saucers, aliens, monsters, demonic stuff, and subsequent government conspiracies. That’s the good news. The bad news is its only available (for now) in England. Blimey!

The X-Files

Yeah, there’s been X-Files box sets before, the last one released a few years ago and only went to Season 10. At $148.00 for the Blu-ray collection and $119.00 for the DVD set, it was still a bargain at twice the price. The only drag is that the new box set contains 59 discs; Trying to find a particular episode in a sea of shows seems unduly laborious (sorry — word of the day calendar).

The X-Files

So while you click on over to Amazon.co.uk to buy it ($117.00 in U.S. converted dollars), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a Fox Muldar/Dana Scully investigation…

Light As A Feather

LIGHT AS A FEATHER (October 12, 2018/Hulu)
“An innocent game of ‘Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board’ goes wrong when the five teen girls who played start dying off in the exact way that was predicted, forcing the survivors to figure out why they’re being targeted — and whether the evil force hunting them down is one of their own.”

Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Sounds more like a wishful health condition than a game. If it’s pure evil they’re looking for, those girls should start playing Twister™, the Exorcist edition.

Welcome To Mercy

WELCOME TO MERCY (November 2, 2018)
“A young woman struggles against the unholy forces that possess her in this terrifying occult thriller. After being stricken with stigmata, single mother Madaline is sent to a remote convent where nothing is what it seems and her friend August is seemingly the only person she can trust. Together, they must confront the demons inside Madaline before she becomes the Antichrist.”

Wikipedia™ defines stigmata as a term used in Christian Mysticism to describe the manifestations of bodily wounds, scars and pain in locations corresponding to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus Christ, such as the hands, wrists, and feet. My bartender defines it as falling into sharp sticker bushes while wobbling home unholy drunk.

Mail Order Monster

MAIL ORDER MONSTER (November 6, 2018)
“12-year-old Sam Pepper lost her mother in a car accident and her reclusive, quirky nature makes her an easy target for bullying. Realizing she’d had enough, Sam orders the parts to build a ‘Monster’ from a comic book ad, and is finally able to get back at the bully. Life becomes gets more complicated when Sam discovers her father Roy proposes to his girlfriend Sydney, Pepper relies on her monster to keep her from getting a new mom.”

Comic book back page ads in my day only sold stuff like X-Ray glasses (didn’t work), live Seamonkeys (didn’t float), Kryptonite “rocks” (regular rocks painted green) and Space Shoes for $1.98 (still wearing ‘em).

Zoo

ZOO (2018/2019)
“Karen and John have lost the spark of married life the day they were notified that they were unable to conceive. Now they almost live like the walking dead, imprisoned by everyday life and on the verge of divorce. When the world is hit by a pandemic that really turns people into zombies, the couple have to lock themselves in their apartment, waiting for rescue. While the world outside is falling apart, they are forced to find their way back to each other and reclaim their lost love.”

Stuck indoors while zombies are taking over outside and nothing to do but practice making babies? This doesn’t sound like a dark horror comedy but rather…THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!

Showdown With A Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Curse of the Undead

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a western set in the 1880s? Butchered Cassidy and the Sun-blanched Kid? The Good, The Bad, And The Toothy? The Man Who Impaled Liberty Valance? Kinda. What you really get is Curse of the Undead (1959), an unusual but cowboy dialogue-rich western with a vampire as the man in black bloodslinger. (Heh.)

Curse of the UndeadAs odd as this one is, it’s oddly mesmerizing, not because the vampire is a hired gun and can walk in the sunlight (though it hurts his eyeballs); It’s the amazing dialogue that bites good and hard. But I’ll get to that.

Curse of the Undead

A disease is killing of young girls in a paint-by-numbers old west town. This is further escalated when Doc Carter, thinking he’s got a boot in front of the virus, loses yet another patient. To complicate matters, Buffer, a neighboring bully rancher, has been cattle blocking the Carter farm, denying them water for their milk makers. The no-pushover sheriff intervenes in a bar where Buffer and his boot buddies are gettin’ their whiskey on. What follows is a pure cowboy word beatin’…

Curse of the Undead

“You blow real hard when you got those laughing hyenas around you…” “I got two choices – either arrest ya or shoot ya. Either one would suit me fine. So draw your gun or shut your mouth…” “You want Doc Carter’s spread like your mouth has been doin’…” 

Curse of the Undead

There’s even better stuff when Doc Carter gets vamped, his teen kid, thinking that Buff did it and got all fired up like a cow brand, fixes to shoot Buff Stuff dead in the mouth. But not before six or seven shots of whiskey…

“Nothin’ you can do bothers me ’cause I know you’re talkin’ out of a bottle…” “This gun don’t care who it shoots…” “Why don’t you two stop this manure spreadin’?

Man, that last one’s my new catch-phrase. And it works for any occasion!

Curse of the Undead

So where’s the vampire while all this manure spreadin’ is going on? Watching from the sidelines. Introducing himself as Drake Robey, he answers the $100 reward poster offered by the last surviving Carter sibling after big mouth Timmy is shot by Buffer, right smack in the saloon. (Legal note: Buffer was not indicted; Tim Tim drew first, but Buffer drew firster.)

There’s a diary narrated back story about how Drake came to be a vampire, something about killing his brother in the back for making lips with his wife, then killing himself with possibly the same knife. Cursed, he now roams the land as dressed in black mercenary.

Curse of the Undead

Delores Carter, left to carry on the family name, hires Drake to put Buffer out of everyone’s misery. But the local preacher, with a holy cross button “made from the thorns of the crucifixion” (he got it on eBay™) discovers Drakes secret and challenges him to a showdown in the streets. Let’s just say the preacher got Drake to “button” his lips.

Curse of the Undead

Great fun for classic western action, but a dud with the vampire stuff, which was depicted as three people with the two bite holes in their necks and Drake, without so much as a crooked tooth, acting less a cursed member of the undead and more like a paranormal pistol packer.

For another odd vampire western, try Billy The Kid vs. Dracula (1966). The plot is pure spread manure.