Archive for Craigslist

Spooky Books, Female Werewolves, Scary Bathrooms

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Residue

Spent the weekend in Portland, Oregon and stayed at my favorite hotel (The Benson) downtown. It’s 187 steps away from Mary’s Club, Portland’s oldest nakedteria. And it’s in the men’s bathroom I found real horror — it hasn’t been cleaned since the club went topless in 1955 (it was a piano bar in the ’30s). If/when you go there, where a wet-suit and scuba tanks. If that’s too stylish, you can get a hazmat suit on Amazon.com™ pretty cheap.

Speaking of cheap, here’s some new low-budget horror movies headed 187 steps in your direction.

RESIDUE (July 18, 2017/VOD)
“Private investigator Luke Harding reads a book of sinister origins owned by seedy crime lord Mr. Fairweather. Unbeknown to Luke, the book is a much sought-after supernatural artifact and Fairweather’s greatest rival, the enigmatic Mr. Lamon, pursues Luke with his henchmen. While the criminal underworld is desperate to retrieve the book and harness its power for their own dark agendas, it’s evil begins to take root in Luke’s apartment; putting himself, his daughter and his secret love in a fight for their lives…and their eternal souls.”

Why doesn’t Luke just sell the supernatural book on Craigslist™? (eBay™ sucks.) That way I could buy it and put my own dark agendas to work, which includes but is not limited to an endless bar tab, waffle dinners at least five nights a week and even louder heavy metal.

Lycan

LYCAN (August 4, 2017/limited)
“When six college kids in a sleepy Southern town are assigned a group project to rediscover a moment in history, one of them sets in motion a horrific fate when he proposes they head into the Georgia backwoods to tackle the legend of Emily Burt, the Talbot County werewolf.”

A female werewolf. Not a new concept, going all the way back to 1913 with The Werewolf. The chick wolf in that one was Phyllis Gordon. Man, even her name sounds like it has hair on it.

Darkness Rising

DARKNESS RISING (2017)
“When Madison Shaw finds out that her childhood home is about to be torn down, she knows that she has to see it one last time. But this isn’t a nostalgic trip through childhood memories. When she was a little girl, her mother killed her baby sister, and Madison narrowly escaped with her life. Now she has one last chance to confront the demons that have haunted her ever since.”

Stock title, stock plot. I tend to ignore movies with the words “dark” or “darkness” in its title as that’s usually a sign of a paint-by-numbers thriller. But hey, I’ll have nothing better to do whilst my hair dries, so I’ll probably watch it.

The Bride

THE BRIDE (January 19, 2017/Russia – 2017/2018 U.S.)
“Nastya is a young woman who travels with her soon-to-be husband to his family home. Upon their arrival, she can’t help but think that the visit may have been a horrible mistake. She is surrounded by strange people and starts witnessing strange, terrible visions as his family prepares her for a mysterious traditional Slavic wedding ceremony. More than the wedding preparations, can she survive the next few days?”

As long as she can make it through the honeymoon, then we’re all good here. Hope this Russian horror movie has sub-titles; I don’t care much for “reading” movies, but there’s usually some really funny phrases in translations. (“Get away from me demon — you are horrifying me…”)

Ghosts, Gore and Gods

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Abattoir

A mixed bag of horror, sci-fi and adventure fantasy up-n-comers as of right now this dang minute. You may proceeed…

ABATTOIR (out now / UK – December 9, 2016 / US (VOD)
“A real estate reporter unearths an urban legend about a house being built from rooms where horrific tragedies have occurred. The investigation ultimately leads to the enigmatic Jebediah Crone and the answer to the terrifying question, “How do you build a haunted house?”

To build a haunted house with intent you’ll need plenty of polter-plywood and supernatural sheetrock for starters. When you’re done, you’ll need to put it up on CraigsList™ as deferred rent for ghosts to make it more haunt-y. (Spirits won’t pay because banks don’t allow the dead to have active checking accounts. Stupid neighborhood lending institutions.)

Lavender

LAVENDER (2017)
“Jane, a photographer, is forced to come to terms with her mysterious and tragic past after a horrendous car accident robs her of her memory. Along with her husband and daughter, Jane returns to her childhood home to regain control of her life. It’s there she must confront a mysterious lurking force and grapple with a past that continues to haunt her.”

Not buying it for a mysterious and haunted second. First, if Jane lost her memory, how does she know that’s her husband and daughter? Could be actors for all she knows. Secondly, if Jane lost her memory, how does she know where her childhood home is and why it haunts her? The filmmakers need to rethink this entire thing. (Note to whomsoever made this movie: I have a new script ready to go. Like you, it only took me 12 minutes to write.)

The Dark Tapes

THE DARK TAPES (2017)
“A radical horror anthology. Five smart, original stories, each one more terrifying than the other.”

So does “radical” mean “favoring, supporting, or representing extreme forms of religious fundamentalism,” or “bitchin’”? For my sake I hope it’s the latter. This is played-out found footage fare, so probably neither.

Thor: Ragnarok

THOR: RAGNARÖK (2017)
Thor returns to Asgard when his home realm is threatened by the Ragnarök, which is the Norse apocalypse.”

A slight stretch to call this horror or sci-fi. (Asgard, Thor’s gated community, combined magic with science eons ago. I believe they now call it “scagic.”) But hey, however much adventure horror/sci-fi it is (or isn’t), the movie is said to feature monster-esque non-Earthers and the Mjölnir, that awesome hammer Thor thor-ows around (heh). Can you imagine, though, if Thor was accessorized with a magic screwdriver instead? How embarrassing to the other Nine Realms would that be?

Ragnarok

P.S. Attempt to not confuse this one with Ragnarok, a 2013 Norwegian horror movie in which an archaeologist digs up mysterious runes describing Ragnarök, the Viking legend of the end of the world, and accidentally awakens a giant monster. Oops to that.

Paranormal Boredom

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

It’s always a downer filled with bummer when a popular horror movie franchise milks itself dry with too many and/or unnecessary sequels. While I could cite dozens of examples (I’m looking in your direction Friday the 13th), I’m pointing my annoyance gun at Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones, the latest in the otherwise profitable Paranormal Activity series, due to underwhelm us on January 3, 2014.

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones is a spin-off that has no story line relation to its parent movie and cinematic siblings. This garners a big SO WHAT. Yeah, I haven’t seen it, but I took a look at the trailer, which indicates the movie is a made-on-the-cheap handheld camera dizzyfest that trots out the same kind of low-grade ghost effects we’ve seen in all the other PA movies.

The plot: “The film takes place in a Hispanic community in Southern California, where a group of teenagers must deal with a demonic spirit that is becoming increasingly violent. After being ‘marked,’ Jesse is pursued by mysterious forces while his family and friends try to save him.”

Same movie, different ethnic backdrop. Yawn.

paranormal_marked_2

To further reaffirm The Marked Ones’ cut ’n paste business model, they even went so far as to rip off the symbol from the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pts. 1 & 2. (2010/2011). The circle within a triangle with a vertical line through it represents the Elder Wand, the Resurrection Stone and the Cloak of Invisibility, all of which can be found on Craigslist™. The Marked Ones shamelessly parades the same symbol around like a Blair Witch stick figure talisman, which was stolen from Pearl Jam.

Blair Witch / Pearl Jam

I’ll pass on Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones and surf Craigslist™ to find a Cloak of Invisibility that covers my bikini zone.