UFO Engineering, Mothman Sightings, Demon Trackers

Just in time to distract us from a seemingly endless string of horrifying, political news cycles the creepy yet cool, Mothman returns to flitter around the spotlight.

According to a recent article on AbsoluteHistory.com, Mothman was not only seen but photographed. Here’s what the article, written by 1636wpczar, had to report…

“It had been a Friday night like any other in Chicago for John Amitrano. As he took a step outside the bar where he was working, however, he apparently noticed something strange in the sky above him. And according to Amitrano, the figure looked just like an ominous creature that people have been claiming to see in the U.S. for the past 50 years.”

Mothman was in Chicago and was spotted by a guy leaving a bar? Doesn’t sound suspicious to me at all.

While we all share a few gallons of Chicago’s Old Style™ (canned beer that tastes like a cryptid p*ssed in it — oddly, not a bad thing) and stagger out and look for the ominous creatures, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci documentaries/movies that may or may not look better when viewed under the influence of a few gallons of Old Style™…

BOB LAZAR: AREA 51 & FLYING SAUCERS (available now)
Former Government physicist Bob Lazar made headlines world-wide in 1989 when he came forward with his account of reverse-engineering an alien spacecraft for the U.S. Military. His testimony remains the most controversial and important UFO story of all time. The documentary explores Lazar’s groundbreaking claims and the devastating impact it has had on his life over the course of the last thirty years, including rare and never before revealed footage guaranteed to alter the landscape of the debate. He blew the whistle, shocked the world, then went silent — until now.

I’ve heard Bob Lazar’s story for some time now and I believe he not only worked on reverse-engineering captured UFOs, but actually got inside one and poked around. I only have one question: what was in the flying saucer’s glove compartment? The truth is out there and I want to believe.

BRUTAL BIGFOOT (available now)
“Join the Searching for Bigfoot field team – led by ‘The Godfather of Bigfoot‘ Tom Biscardi, as they get more than they bargained for when investigating the disappearance of a hiker and the mutilation of a couple deep in the remote Arkansas countryside. During their search, Tom and his team are led to a top secret nuclear testing facility and mutated creatures that reportedly inhabit the woods surrounding the compound. Along the way they gain the unwanted attention of unknown government agents who watch their every move as they search for the truth behind brutal deaths and strange disappearances that are rumored to involve a very large creature.

This one came out a short whilst ago, but it slipped past my radar, mostly due to the fact Tom Biscardi is involved. The self-proclaimed “Godfather of Bigfoot” has been involved in several high-profile, epic FAIL Bigfoot hoaxes in the past and is pretty much a loudmouth out there once again trying to cash in on Bigfoot’s good name. Did it work? Scorecard: Bigfoot: 3 / Tom Biscardi: 0.

DEMON’S PATH (December 22, 2018)
“The series follows a forensic pathologist who has the ability to see the last 10-seconds of life of the dead. Working together with a friendly exorcist and a policeman, they solve homicide cases. But as their investigations proceed, they become the target of a murderer.”

Never saw any of this popular series as it’s done in Hong Kong and my TV can’t reach that far. I think I need a bigger antennae (hold your jokes, please). The premise, though, seems to borrow from iZombie, wherein a zombie pathologist eats the brains of corpses brought into the coroner’s office and she adopts the personality traits of the dead personage and gets flashbacks as to how that personage died and who died ‘em.

THE DEMONOLOGIST (January 1, 2019)
A detective is haunted by nightmares of his past and visions he cannot understand. When he investigates a string of brutal murders, he discovers a Cult that worships the four King Demons of Hell, who plan on bringing them forth to destroy the Earth. He must stop the Cult from starting the Apocalypse and finally come to grips with his birthright and destiny as The Demonologist.

Sounds like a rearranging of The Last Witch Hunter (2015) starring Vin Diesel. Man, that movie stunk as bad as a brutal Bigfoot.

Horror Trivia, Dead Dump, Ghost Boat

As first reported by Reddit and not the fake news, USAopoly™ has released Trivial Pursuit: Horror Movie Edition™, just in time for the upcoming alt-Christian holiday All Hallow’s Eve, which is like Christmas for Planet Halloween™.

The details are as cool as the $19.99 price: 600 questions that cover 100 years of the horror genre, with topics like epic monster movies, the paranormal, slasher and goriest movies. I just soiled myself.

You can get this delivered right to your face mailbox through Amazon™ or GameStop™. Before you get to clickin’, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not fall into one or more of Trivial Pursuit’s Horror Movie™ categories…

I’LL TAKE YOUR DEAD (2018/2019)
“William has a simple job: he makes dead bodies disappear. Through circumstances out of his control, his little farm house in the country has become a dumping ground for the casualties of the gang related murders in the nearby city. His daughter Gloria has become used to the rough looking men dropping off corpses and is even convinced that some of them haunt their house. After a woman’s body is dumped at the house, William begins his meticulous process when he realizes that she’s not actually dead. As the gang activity increases, William patches up the woman and holds her against her will until he can figure out what to do with her. As they begin to develop an unusual respect for each other, the woman’s murderers get word that she’s still alive and make a plan to finish what they started.”

Dumping bodies on a farm? That’s why they’re called criminals; bodies can be recycled instead of becoming rodent/bug-attracting illegal landfill. If they can figure it out in Soylent Green (1973), so can we do it today.

ALIVE (2018)
“A male patient, badly injured from an unknown event, is trying to piece together his checkered past.”

This is normally referred to as a Defcon 1 hangover. It’s a moment when you come out of your alcoholic coma to find your body looking like raw hamburger. As painful as it is, you know there’s a really great — and highly likely — funny story behind it all.

THE BOAT (2018)
“A lone fisherman on his daily run finds himself lost in a thick fog, which proves impossible to navigate. The worst is yet to come when his encounter with a seemingly abandoned sailboat becomes a fight for survival against an enemy unknown.”

Cool — ghost boat! Guess the life preservers didn’t work after all. Wonder if this event happened on a…May day. Heh.

BROTHERS’ NEST (2018)
“Two brothers are intent on murdering their stepfather before their dying mother changes her will in his favor.”

That’s one way to do it. Another way would be to dress up as the mom, go to the bank, and make a hefty withdrawal. I’ve heard that works 17% of the time. I’ll take those odds.

Bavarian Vampire

In the based-on-a-true-story Bloodlust: The Vampire of Nuremberg (1977), a family-beaten, deaf and dumb guy who witnessed his sister being molested by Father Knows Best (or “Pastor Bedtime”), grows up to discover he has a penchant for watching women have sex with each other and sucking the embalmed gunk out of the throats of dead chicks (not in this order). Fortunately, for him, the local mortuary is overstocked with corpses of attractive young gals.

Calling himself “Mosquito” (cute), he cuts open their boobs, slices off their heads with a pocketknife (!), pops out their eyes, and does near text-book tom-ghoulery in his quest for bloody goodness. He eventually goes after the living and takes out a horny couple trying to bust a move (how rude).

The pacing is slow, the nudity plentiful, the gore explicit. In an homage to Bloodsucking Freaks (1976), try and stomach (if you can) the graphic scenes of a two-pronged straw being used to sip delicious Neck Slurpees™. You’ll never drink blood again.

Crappy UFOs, Haunted Mansions, Pre-made Zombies

Recently watched a “documentary” called Curse of the Man Who Sees UFOS (2016). In the first five minutes the cursed and excitable Christo Roppolo, looking to be in his late 50s, reenacts going to the park at night, looking up and seeing a UFO. The said unidentified flying object sets ‘ol Christo’s innards a’ rumblin’ and he quickly runs over to a tree, drops trou, and lets loose a huge, public steamer. Laughing, he recounts leaving the park with an identifiable wet stain on the back of his britches. That’s icky and funny at the same time!

The eccentric Christo, however, has video proof of multiple UFO sightings around Monterey, CA, documenting quite a few close encounters. And he does this with bowel-emptying glee. (Note to self: bring Handi-Wipes™ on next UFO hunting excursion.)

That publicly stated, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave you feeling like you need to ruin public parks with your steaming wrongness…

I MAKE CORPSES (available now)
“A serial killer whose work has suddenly become exponentially easier thanks to a recent zombie outbreak and thus, is able to create corpses and make it look like they were simply killed by the undead to avoid any suspicion on his part. During a zombie outbreak the dead reanimate and Ben becomes a little complacent in ensuring the corpses are disposed of correctly, and soon his handiwork rears its ugly head.”

This is a film short, which is too bad as the premise is pretty clever cool and would make for a double pretty clever cool full-length feature type thingamajig.

PLANET REHAB (available now/VOD)
“It’s a race to save mankind and hybrids from the aliens that would get them hooked on crack. One man, Dakota Schill, armed with his crack factory, fights the good fight against the alien intruders. A little crazy, a lot sexy, and definitely off the wall!”

Drug dealing aliens. Would’ve thought they’d try and get us drunk on Romulan Ale; we’d be a lot easier to abduct as alcoholics than as crackheads, who are way monkey crazy and unpredictable. Drunks just wanna sit in their own makings and not do anything else except keep drinking. Or so I’ve heard. Ahem.

DELIRIUM (January 19, 2018)
“The Hell Gang, an exclusive club made up of a group of school friends, promise their classmate Eddie that he can join the gang if he can just make it to the porch of a legendary local mansion with a dark, sinister past. Others have tried but none have made it within sight of the mansion before fleeing back in terror. And Eddie, who is rigged with a camera to prove he did it, does not return at all! Five members of the gang must now go in to find him. They set off, confident that Eddie is trying to prank them, but what they find in the old mansion is even more terrifying than the campfire stories and legends of murdered children that once lived there.”

Kinda sounds like a spin on Salem’s Lot (1979/2004) and the spooky ass Marsten House, which has been rented to vampires. (They probably had to put down a larger damage deposit to cover carpet cleaning.)

THE RUSSIAN BRIDE (2018)
“A Russian woman travels to America with her daughter to marry a reclusive billionaire, who turns out to be a madman and sends their lives spiraling into a living hell.”

Marriage is the best worse horror story ever, and nothing like the rom-coms they churn out like horror movies. If you’re married and are happy, disregard the above sentence.

Hospital Zombie

Corpses are like rotten apples – you never know what you’re gonna find when you slice open one. And like spoiled fruit, cadavers are filled with worms, stink fumes and black stuff. But what happens when you open the chest cavity of a body that was possessed by, say, evil? And what if the evil part isn’t too happy about its fleshy apartment being remodeled? You should know this without using your undissected brain pan.

Some squeaky clean med students are given bodies that have yet to be claimed by Dracula or the nearest closest relative. They need to practice their cutlery skills before given a license to overcharge for it. A young woman’s corpse is brought in for boobular dissection. A chick doc-in-training – who looks like Britney Spears (but doesn’t lip-sync her dialogue) – senses something is terribly wrong with this sorta dead person. Her intuition is right on the noodle – evil emanates out of every nook and cranny and kills anyone that comes in contact with its personal space.

Through the long and tedious plot (during which, the chick doc doesn’t take off her clothes), she uncovers the truth. Too late. Bodies and body parts start stacking up like McDonald’s Quarter Pounders™. Where it really gets fun is when two doctors go swimming in a big fish tank filled with formaldehyde containing bodies awaiting the gentle touch of the med student.

Unrest (2006) isn’t scary, but it is icky, the way a spoiled mango is icky if left uneaten for, I don’t know, 103 days.