Kaiju Clothes, AI Vampires, Death To Earth

Got a spare $8,350.00 laying around and are need of some new church clothes? The MCS: Animatronic Attraction Maker in China has you covered. Makers of kaiju-sized animated dinosaurs (presumably to scare the fèihuà out of neighboring enemies), they now set their sights on creating a Godzilla suit that comes complete with G-sounds, spraying smoke and (my fav), nuclear pulse effect. To throw more bonus on the fire, MCS is shipping this 61lb. costume — for free.

Spiked head to clawed toe, the costume measures out at 7.87 feet tall, big enough to cram three frat boys into. The suit is made of silicone rubber, with a stainless steel frame, and colorized with high density foam-oil paint. From their product description: “We wanted to get a real nuclear pulse in the Godzilla suit-making process, so we added the LED light flashing effect to show Godzilla’s various emotions. The mouth can spray smoke and emit a light beam. For Godzilla fans, this is a real giant radioactive monster. It is time for you to wear this king of all costumed Kaiju at Godzilla cosplay events.”

So while we all go to the bank and fill out a loan application and put our car/house up for collateral and buy this suit immediately (only three left as of this e-barfing — click this), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you spray smoke…

IMMORTAL OBSESSION: A HISTORY OF VAMPIRES / Out now (Amazon Prime Video™)

“Written, illustrated, and performed entirely by AI, Immortal Obsession: A History of Vampires explores the classic monster’s captivating history, from their origins in ancient folklore to their enduring role in modern pop culture. Innovative filmmaker Brian Cunningham utilized ChatGPT to write a compelling script, a video generator to create a lifelike host, an art generator to provide striking illustrations, and a music engine to compose a dynamic score. Cunningham’s human touch was used to refine the script and edit together all of the AI-produced assets.”

AI-generated or not, vampires are not immortal. I have a Bible™ brand crucifix, a rib-eye stake and a six-pack of holy water (Budweiser™) to challenge any vampire’s deathlessness.

SECRET SPACE UFOS FASTWALKERS / Out now (VOD)

“An exhilarating adventure into the mysterious world of NASA-related UFO encounters in space. Starting in the late 1970s and continuing until now, expert researchers will reveal a history of anomalies recorded by military and space research missions. Beginning with Skylab 3’s UFO incident, expanding into the STS/ISS Mission Era, director Darcy Weir and the rest of the team uncover a deep recent history of UFO sightings in space. In the present day they uncover all of the developments in Congress regarding UAP research and disclosure to the public during 2023. A new interview conducted with a long lost space anomalies researcher Martyn Stubbs is included in this documentary.”

NASA is sitting on tons of UFO footage, but all the good stuff remains unseen by the “I want to believe” public. I bet all of it is stored in recyclable plastic grocery bags in the Pentagon’s hall closet.

SCAVENGER / Out now (VOD)

“Set in the wastelands of a future dystopia, Scavenger charts the transgressive journey of a female organ dealer as she seeks revenge on the remorseless crime cartel that murdered her family.”

I’d like to be an organ donor. If I ever get around to kicking the bucket, I hereby bequeath my Wurlitzer to anyone who can lift that f’n thing.

DOOMSDAY METEOR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A meteor bigger than the moon, and unseen by Earth until now, has less than a week until planetary impact. Scientists try to stop the giant mass with rockets armed with high-powered lasers. When that fails they land on the asteroid, mounting it with rockets in an attempt to push its orbit away from Earth. But as the team continues to run into problems they never imagined, the future of mankind becomes more and more bleak.”

For a similar but more hi-brow apocalyptic “rogue planet smashes into Earth” movie, watch Meloncholia (2011). You will actually cheer on the destruction of this stinkhole planet.

Guitar Monster, Tunnel Monster, Space Monster

If you’re a fan or horror movies and guitars, then you’ll totally want Deathgrips™, a monster/creature hand that’s actually a guitar wall hanger. And if you don’t have a guitar, you can hang other things on ‘em, like rubber bands, a clean bathing suit or leftover spaghetti. But mostly guitars.

The downright cool guitar hangars are designed by Gabe Escamilla and available on his Etsy™ store, the world’s largest garage sale: “Deathgrips™ are wall-mounted monster hand hangers designed to hang guitars and a variety of other items…wherever you need a hand.” 

“Original creature designs are sculpted with intricate detail and scaled to life-size. Each one is individually resin-cast in custom molds that leave no parting lines. Special-effects painting techniques are applied to hand-painted versions: shadows, blood, custom fur application… They can hold most acoustic, electric and heavy bass guitars. Also violins and ukes! Guitar hanging area is coated with a thin layer of clear rubber to add a protective cushion.”

Prices for the cleverly-titled, fully-painted hangars are a bit lofty (most expensive: 148.87£ = $184.09 US), but you can get unfinished versions for $72.59 and colorize to your liking. But c’mon — you know your life won’t be complete without at least five of ‘em.

While go to the store and buy YET ANOTHER guitar to hang on the wall, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not complete your life…

CIRCLE LINE / January 5, 2023 (Theaters/Singapore)

“Trapped in the underground train tunnel system, a single mother’s resolve to protect her son is tested to the extreme as both of them are the few remaining survivors of an attack by a monster. Meanwhile in the control room, duty engineers fight desperately to rescue the trapped survivors.”

Of course mutant lizard/rat hybrid monster is underground. Where else his it gonna live — besides in my neighborhood?

ALIVE / January 31, 2023 (VOD)

“Helen navigates a ravaged world with her boyfriend Kevin and her little brother Barney. Desperate to find help after Barney’s infection slowly turns him into a zombie, they come upon a house where lives Dan, a man harboring a heavy secret.”

I know Dan’s secret — he’s got a really bad cold…and doesn’t care who he passes it onto, thereby infecting everybody within sneezing range. Dan is a dick.

SPACE MONSTER MANGWAGWI / January 2023 (Blu-ray)

“Aliens from another world seeking the conquest of Earth invade with flying saucers. They unleash a gigantic monster called Wangmagwi, that destroys everything in its path. The Air Force, led by ace pilot Oh Jeong-hwan, is dispatched, but can do little in such still heavily-populated areas. Wangmagwi deploys a powerful death ray, melting entire buildings, forcing Oh Jeong-hwan to finally take action. But will he be able to stop the titanic behemoth once and for all?”

South Korea’s Space Monster Wangmagwi came out in 1967 and was thought to be lost after the fact. Now its finally un-lost and being made available on physical media for the first time in the history of television, which I’m pretty sure wasn’t even invented until 1970. Regardless, technology to the rescue once again.

THE UFO MOVIE THEY DON’T WANT YOU TO SEE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A documentary showing the real science behind today’s UFO phenomenon. Why are they talking about UFOs in Congress? What’s behind all these videos? And most important of all: Are we being visited?”

Not surprisingly, I can easily answer all these questions. 1. Why are people in Congress talking about UFOs? To distract from all their non-accomplishments, political scandals and f’d in the b-hole party extremism. 2. What’s behind all these videos? Someone with a camera. 3. Are we being visited? Yes. And they come bearing cookies.

Diva Sharks, Amateur Killers, Possessed Cab Passengers

In advance of the upcoming giant shark movie, The Meg (August 10, 2018), comes a mouthful off Jaws 2 (1978) behind-the-scenes pics that gives shark fans a glimpse behind the bubbles.

In this scene we see “Bruce Two” (the shark, named after director Stephen Spielberg’s lawyer) heavily emoting during the money shot of burning to death after chomping on an underwater electric cable…

In this photo, we see Bruce Two finding his marks and getting ready for his close-ups….

And in this shot, we see Bruce Two getting his makeup touched up in-between human-eating scenes…

While we all wish we looked as good in shark attack selfies, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi dramas/comedies to take your mind off the fact that you’ll never be as photogenic as a shark…

THE HAPPYTIME MURDERS (2018)
“Set in the underbelly of Los Angeles, puppets and humans coexist. Two clashing detectives, one human and one puppet, are forced to work together to try and solve who is brutally murdering the former cast of The Happytime Gang, a beloved classic puppet show.”

A spin on Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988), wherein humans and cartoon characters coexist. Sounds like present day Congress.

HEAVY TRIP (aka, Hevi Reissu/October 12, 2018/VOD)
“Turo is stuck in a small village in the Finnish countryside where his greatest passion is being the lead vocalist for the amateur metal band Impaled Rektum. The only problem is that he and his fellow headbangers have practiced for 12 years without playing a single gig. But that’s all about to change when the guys meet the promoter of a huge heavy metal music festival in Norway and decide it’s now or never. Hitting the road in a stolen van with a corpse, a coffin, and a new drummer from a local mental hospital in tow, Impaled Rektum travels across Scandinavia to make their dreams a reality.”

I’ve come up with hundreds of heavy metal band names, but Impaled Rektum takes the crown. I bet my proctologist is the lead finger in this band.

KILLER KATE ( October 26, 2018)
“Estranged sisters Kate and Angie haven’t spoken since Angie went to college and left Kate to care for their ailing father. In a show of reconciliation, several years after moving out, Angie invites Kate to her bachelorette party held at a remote house booked on a home-sharing app. The women are unaware that by booking this house, they’re walking into a trap set in motion by a disturbed family of amateur killers.”

Hey disturbed family of AMATEUR killers — practice makes perfect. P.S. Don’t really go out and kill anyone to gain life experience.

LUZ (2018)
“Fleeing from the grasp of a possessed woman, a distressed cabdriver begins a confession in a rundown police station that endangers everyone who crosses her path.”

Um, aren’t most people who ride in cabs possessed in some way or another? I know I am. In fact, whenever I take a Lyft™ after stopping by favorite bar for seven hours, my head spins around, I spew a green vomit substance and I curse as though a somewhat clean crucifix was stuck in my fuzzy wuzzy. (Note to Lyft™ — If I promise to quit doing all of the above in your otherwise clean vehicles, can you lyft the ban?)

TV Exorcisms, Human Shake ’n Bake, Family Ghosts

Diggin’ the latest teaser key art for The Exorcist, Chapter 2, which premiers September 29, 2017 on Fox™. The first season was suprisingly cool as sick, so I look forward to being possessed by the second season. My only hope is that they’ll show more evil throw up scenes as I’m tired of seeing it performed live in dive bars.

Speaking of public displays of affection, here are a few now recently released horror movies (trying to get through the backload) that may or may not give you a case of the technicolor yawns…

THE EVIL WITHIN (available now)
“A lonely, mentally handicapped boy who befriends his reflection in an antique mirror. This demonic creature orders him to go on a murderous rampage to kill the people he loves most.”

I don’t like the guy in my mirror. While the reflection doesn’t at first appear to be too demonic, he always seems so smug and constantly fussing with his hair as if some sort of diva doppelgänger. And when he brushes his teeth, he looks like a rabid dog and gets Colgate™ foam all over the mirror and his shirt — and just leaves it there! What a tool.

REVELATOR (available now)
“John Dunning, a disgraced psychic who sees the dead, is thrust in the midst of the embattled Bellvue family empire, and must investigate the suspicious death of the last heir, while cynical journalist Valerie Kreuger documents his every move; but when the death is ruled a murder and John the sole suspect, he must venture into the depths of madness to uncover the truth about the family and their power, before he loses his mind — or worse.”

Isn’t the term “disgraced psychic” an oxymoron? As for venturing into the depths of madness, isn’t that called “Congress”? If I were to hire a pyschic, I’d ask him/her if there’s a beer in my future and… Wait, I must be a psychic as I’m foretelling the answer as being a resounding yes! I bet I’m an heir to at least a keg’s worth. Sweet!

200 DEGREES (available now)
“A stock broker awakens inside a sealed industrial kiln. A mysterious voice informs him that if he does not hand over $1 million, the temperature inside will steadily increase until he is burned alive.”

Kiln ’em all — heh. A million smackos doesn’t seem like too much to ask. Maybe the killer could charge different amounts for rare, medium, and well done. Restaurants do it all the time.

THE ATONING (available now)
“Haunted by ghostly apparitions, two parents try to protect their son from a terrible secret from their past that could destroy their family.”

All families have terrible secrets. You don’t need ghosts to point that out. My terrible family secret is that we’re all normal. I feel so ashamed. Don’t look at me.

Zombies, Monster Book, Slasher Slumber Party

The Walking Dead, ratings juggernaut and everybody’s favorite zombie TV show that has less to do with the walking dead than humans, returns for season eight on AMC/October 22, 2017. Okay, I get that there are people who violently express they aren’t fans. Sorry you like songs all in the same key, too. (Eight years of zombies eating people? Cool, but at some point you need more than a Lazy Susan snack platter.)

Season seven ended with a gnarly nasty war brewing between main guy Rick Grimes and his people and self-proclaimed King of the New World, Negan and his hardcore followers. Kinda sounds like Congress. Sure, there were less zombies in that season than were put on the KP duty during previous years. But man, Negan is such a magnetizing character, brutally nasty and gleefully kill-y. He previously made Rick his b*tch, and now the series’ hero is about to reclaim his throne by taking off the gloves and taking on Negan, with the intent to get all kill-y on him. And I, as a die-hard (no pun intended) fan, can’t wait.

Until that booze worthy celebratory day comes, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not kill you to watch…

THE PUNISHER (Netflix/2017)
“The series revolves around Frank Castle, who uses lethal methods to fight crime as the vigilante, The Punisher.”

Right the double heck on. Frank Castle was first introduced to us on the Daredevil TV series (slated for a third season on Netflix™ later in 2017, the year of our power lords), and was a standout highlight in an increasingly “where are we going with this?” show. (Frank’s a way better adversary than any of Daredevil’s foes. I’m looking sideways in your direction, Kingpin.) And Frank, of course, is brilliantly played by Jon Bernthal, formerly the exploding firecracker, Shane Walsh of The Walking Dead series. (Spoiler — he was killed off….TWICE!)

BOOK OF MONSTERS (pending crowd-funding)
“Sophie’s 18th birthday party becomes a bloodbath when six terrifying monsters descend upon her house, intent on devouring the party guests and killing anyone who tries to leave.

As her school friends are torn apart and eaten, Sophie must rally a band of misfits and take up arms to send their party crashers back to hell. In order to survive the night, Sophie will face her destiny; monsters are real — and she’s the only one who can stop them.”

Cool title, but the premise smells a bit stinkified of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1997—2003) TV series, which was just a re-imagineering of Scooby Doo. They seem very specific about the amount of monsters to do the dirty work. I’m quite okay with this as it means fewer teenagers are left to take selfies and body shame me on Twitter™.

RUIN ME (2017/2018)
“Alexandra reluctantly tags along for Slasher Sleepout, an extreme event that is part camping trip, part haunted house, and part escape room. But when the fun turns deadly, Alex has to play the game if she wants to make it out alive.”

Teen horror. If you’re a teen, you may like this. If you’re not a teen, you may not like this as it borrows —deeply — from numerous, worn out horror movie plots. I only have one question — does one wear pajamas or not while attending the Slasher Sleepout? I don’t know whether to go with just floral print 100% cotton bottoms and a comfy Motörhead T-shirt, or my Spider-Man adult onesie? I should probably ask a teen.

BURNING SHADOW (2017/2018)
“After discovering a homeless man who is his exact look-alike, a former soldier is drawn into the dangerous LA underworld.”

Dude, you were looking in a mirror! Am I the only one who figured this out?

Zombie Dinosaur

Zombie dinosaur. Why the hell not? Do dinosaurs thing they’re too big (metaphorically speaking) to get used as a punchline to a low-budget indie sci-fi film? If so, I got a weather shark I wanna introduce you to.

Z-Rex: The Jurassic Dead (releasing 2016, I think) stomps around like this: “A cracked scientist aligns with the Axis of Evil to bring down the US of A with EMP blasts, toxic zombification gas and an unleashing of the ultimate undead killing monstrosity — the Z-Rex. When a hot-wired militia squad and a crew of college hipsters are thrown together to do something about it, chaotic Predator-Thunder action runs amok.”

Makes sense in this current political climate that the ad poster would feature a bunch of stereotyped loud-mouthed Republican gun-thugs over the actual dinosaur itself. On second thought, that sounds exactly like Congress.

Space Termites

After 40 years in hyper sleep during an exploratory space journey, Ivan Hood (played by the immortal Bruce Campbell) can’t wait to see the future.

He envisioned a utopian society and making lots of money pimpin’ out his skills as a chiropractor. But what he and his space mates of two chicks and another guy discover is that the Earth has been appropriated by seven-foot tall termites that have enslaved the human race to work in sawmills, harvesting lumber to ship back to the bug planet as take-out food.

Ivan escapes the insect overlords and encounters longhairs living in the woods outside of the reach of termite tyranny. These pacifists won’t help him overthrow the aliens because they like their lifestyle of hanging out in the forest and drinking potato liquor and listening to some crunchy grooves. Just as I suspected – future hippies.

Through their slacker conversations Ivan finds out the President lives in the Cascade Mountains and will one day lead the revolt against the buggers. So Ivan and a few hippies (including one really hot chick in a leather thong) go to find him. And find him they do, living with the rest of Congress and being nothing more than talking gas bags as they can’t seem to pass a bill banning illegal aliens.

But it’s all too flat as the entire plot of Alien Apocalypse (2005) runs out of space originality after the first ten minutes. If you’re not gonna spend time on head-eating violence, then we need to get back to the other important plot message: the chick in the leather thong.

P.S. Looks like District 9 (2009) borrowed more than a cup of sugar from Alien Apocalypse for their alien’s termite look…